Something has me stumped - need clarity

I don't usually ask for insight or other objectives but this time I am. My mother recently told me that it upset her that I did not tell her when I left my hometown and moved very far away. I never told anyone where I was going nor that I was leaving. It appears to have hurt her.

For me, I'm having great difficulty understand why it would even hurt her at all. I'm definitely not a cold hearted person, I am an abuse victim.

I explained why I left. I'm just having a lot of difficulty understanding why she would be hurt or even care. I mean she had three years to write to me and say something. Why wait three years to say something.

I just don't want to be hurt or lied to anymore. I also find it really difficult to understand because in thousands of ways I was always told and shown through actions that it was such a bother just to have me around. Now I'm.gone and she is saying it hurt. I'm.really really confused and vulnerable.

Can anyone give me some insight. I need to get some clarity around this. Please be gentle, I'm.in a lot of emotional.psin.

Thank you.

I think it is very understandable that you are in emotional pain and I am so sorry you are suffering.

My experience is that people act out of all kinds of motives, many they are not even aware of and many that contradict each other. I think this is especially true when people are emotionally conflicted. In such a state one can witness people doing things which seem very contrary and contradictory.

I have done things that logically do not make sense although inside of me these contradictions seem quite content to coexist. Do you think that maybe your mother is acting out of a situation like this?

Since I am not a doctor or mental health professional, of course, I have no clue. Just throwing ideas out there. Hopefully other members here will prove more helpful to you. Sorry that I don't know how to be helpful to you in your distress!

Thank you for sharing your experiences. I cannot explain nor know why she is behaving in this way. My mother growing up was very emotionally unstable. I grew up in a very unstable, unsafe and abusive life. Home was never a fun or safe place. My mother and father were abusing me and they were very emotionally unavailable. It all did a lot of damage to me. Besides the abuse, I had a lot of challenges and difficulties but I was never supported in them. I was left to fend for myself. I had no idea how to deal with a lot of things. I was only a child. I developed depression at a very young age but no one ever asked any questions. I was left alone in that as well. I'd get home from school, dump my bag in my room and literally go to sleep until dinner. No one ever asked. I was just left there. I never got to really develop in the way I should have. In a nutshell I grew up unloved, abuses and abandoned a lot. I used to make excuses for it all but I no longer do make excuses for any of it. It's not my job to understand why my mother may be behaving in a certain way. That keeps me stuck in the abuse cycle I was in all my life. Also knowing the complexities of it all is not helpful to me because it just reinforces so much of the abuse. It doesn't help me. I'm no professional either but I cannot fix, rescue or save her. It's not my job. I'm trying to understand my feelings and thoughts and my focus isn't on her.

I'm really sorry for the severe pain.

Could she have gotten something out of having you around? Something that she has not gotten for three years now?

Could there be some reason in the present that she is mad at you, such that she wants to hurt you by bringing up something that happened three years ago?

Again, I can only assume here. If that is the case, she knew three years ago how much pain I was in because I told her. I got absolutely no response at all. I gave it time but there was just nothing. I chose to leave my hometown. It was the right thing to do for me. I was 40 years old and I didn't need permission to go. I cut contact completely. She completely failed to look at the reasons why I may have decided that and was just very angry it appears. Her words were, how do you think I felt when you left without a word? I told her I wasn't thinking about how she would feel or be feeling. I was thinking about myself and my pain. For me it was very confusing because all I have been showed and told was that I wasn't loved and that I was a bother to have around in so many ways. It's like she couldn't grasp the impact her choices, her behaviour,her abuse cost me. I had reached a point in my life where I was done with it all and had enough. It wasn't just in my mind, I felt it with every single part of me. I couldn't take anymore.

I am the O.P. I am going to step out of these forums for a while. I have said enough I feel and I have determined that speaking about it all as much as I have in this thread and one other has been enough. I need a huge break from talking about it all as I can feel myself just getting more and more stressed and unwell. I was hoping that by talking about it, it would help but it hasn't. I also have no energy to offer support to those going through their own tough times. I truly just need to give myself a break and move on in life.

All the best to everyone