Heartbroken fresh separation

Hi, Brand new here & ill try and explain as best i can.

My husband and I have been together 5 years, married 18 months. We both have children from past relationships. The last 12 months has been rocky to say the least, he tried to end our marriage last June & October and we nearly broke up in March this year but seem to have come around however I think our relationship has been dying slowly. He never plans anything, no dates, dinners out, flowers nothing like he used to and does not even try to initiate sexual intimacy, I plan and book all things and this last couple of weeks i have been feeling like he barely wants to kiss me let alone look at me. When I bring up my feelings and concerns he just responds with "well you can do these things" He has been telling me things like "Maybe its you" when it turns into an argument.

Yesterday I had a talk to him about where we are at and we spoke for a bit but manly he is just shut down so i went for a walk and let it be, on my walk i realised I think he actually doesnt want the relationship so when i got back I expressed how i felt and ended it, I need more, i need my husband to want me. He has since shut more down and his reaction is "youve made it clear what you want"

Im now starting to go through the grief/shame all things, it hurts that he wont fight for it, he says i broke his heart and i guess his way to deal with that is shut down but i read it as he is content with me calling it and him not having to.

Thoughts?

Sorry, but why he exactly says you broke his heart.
It doesn’t make sense at all when you are open to communication and fix things up. Why he blames you. Isn’t it a very selfish attitude?

Is he taking any accountability in this relationship? He isn't a partner in any sense of the term, from what you write. When you try to engage him, he responds by saying "you can do these things" and "Maybe its you".

When you finally rip off the band aid and end it, after his consistent non-response and non-engagement he says you broke his heart?! He is acting like a child, putting everything onto you.

Grief is understandable as is warranted from the loss of a relationship in which you invested a lot. Shame? The shame is misplaced. There is no shame in fighting for, and knowing what you deserve, which is to receive as much as you give. You kept trying and he gave up on this relationship. By ending this one-sided relationship, you are actually modelling what a healthy relationship ought to be like for all the children involved.

I could have written the exact same words . I'm being treated exactly the same way. My wife gave up on our relationship long ago. No intimacy , no love , period. Places all the blame on me.
Gaslighting me excessively. Everything you wrote. Like you , I'm ready to give up on the marriage of over 30 years. I don't know how old you are , hopefully your young and can start a new life.
I'm older and feel the window is closing on me. I just don't want to go unloved . I gave so much. But all she does is take.
I'll let it go for now. Good luck to you.

Threatening to end the marriage multiple times just after tying the knot together is not a healthy relationship. He didn't give you what you needed and wanted and he wasn't willing to even try. He wasn't willing to meet you halfway. Marriages and romance take effort. - 50/50 on both partner's side. He has no clue how to be a good husband or partner. Then he tells you that you can do all the planning, and that maybe the issue is you? That's deflection and he's taking no accountability for his lack of effort. Then he blames YOU for breaking his heart? He's turning it all around on you.

There is no shame in ending the marriage. You tried, and you expressed to him how you felt. You will experience grief, and grief takes time to work through. You're doing the right thing by ending it, in my opinion. Why salvage a marriage with someone who can't even try to give you what you ask for? As one person said it here, it's a one-way relationship.

I'm so sorry this is happening. But, you and your children will be far better off in the end without this unhealthy relationship. He's got a lot of work to do before he's even ready to be in a committed relationship.

Its not uncommon for people who want out of a relationship to try and do things to get the other to leave first so they do not look like the villain. Maybe he's doing this because of how it would look in front of the kids? Not sure.. But one thing is true. He has not been upfront with you and has been acting out in order to get this result. I would not remotely feel guilt or remorse. If this guy was getting cold feet a year into the marriage, then clearly he hadn't given the decision enough thought. So now he needs someone to do it for him. Sounds like getting him out of there is a great decision for you and your children. Your kids need a real role model, not a coward like this fella. I'm very sorry for your circumstances, but never reject truth when it reveals itself to you.