People Pleasers, why do you have trouble being direct or have trouble saying no?

Discombobulated · Aug 03, 2023 at 01:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jesyka

I think that I have but I can’t remember what they said. I do remember that one former people pleasing friend told me that it’s’rude’ to be direct & that it’s rude to say no as it hurts other people’s feelings.

She was so extreme that she said I was rude & that I ruined a game & offended her friends by not wanting to play a hard boring strategy game that she nguiltvtripped & manipulated me into playing.

She told me that I needed to play these games to ‘fir in’ her game group ugh! Rude!

I don’t understand how I could ruin a stupid game that way. I think she was trying to control me.

It was beyond ridiculous. She was obsessed with her games.

I’ll probably get some lame wishy washy answer like ‘I’ve bern busy, I’m going through a lot, etc. I’ll do that in person next time.

One thought. Some people genuinely have trouble organising their thoughts, they struggle with indecision. In which case it’s very much about them not you.

Embracingtruth · Aug 04, 2023 at 07:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jesyka

Thanks for explaining things. She doesn’t always use these lame excuses. She does say yes to me directly fir some things.

It’s still irritating that she can’t say no to the things that she’s not interested in doing directly .

Why do some people have such a hard time saying no to anything directly? I never got upset at her for saying no ever.

Some people just feel that saying "no" is a form of confrontation because its delivering what in their minds is bad news. And rather than saying it, which might make them uncomfortable, they feel it necessary to deliver it in what they deem a more forgiving manner.

I have a friend I've known over 50 years and he almost never says no when he has to turn things down. He will say, " Lets see how it looks when it gets closer and I'll let you know." Which is an entirely different answer from when he wants to do something. So while I never get "no" directly , I've come to understand what his version of "no" is and don't give it any more consideration when I hear those deliveries.

Its a kind of an unspoken understanding and perhaps that's what you should do with this person.

Tart Cherry Jam · Aug 04, 2023 at 08:46 PM

Next time you ask her, if you still want to ask her to go places with you, give her a deadline for when you need her decision. "I need to buy tickets by Sunday night, so do get back to me soon". And if she does not, take it as a no. If this happens a couple more times, stop asking her to go to concerts or movies

jesyka · Aug 07, 2023 at 11:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Embracingtruth

Some people just feel that saying "no" is a form of confrontation because its delivering what in their minds is bad news. And rather than saying it, which might make them uncomfortable, they feel it necessary to deliver it in what they deem a more forgiving manner.

I have a friend I've known over 50 years and he almost never says no when he has to turn things down. He will say, " Lets see how it looks when it gets closer and I'll let you know." Which is an entirely different answer from when he wants to do something. So while I never get "no" directly , I've come to understand what his version of "no" is and don't give it any more consideration when I hear those deliveries.

Its a kind of an unspoken understanding and perhaps that's what you should do with this person.

I see. I don’t think it’s rude to say no. My friend sounds like your friend. I guess we’re expected to read in between the lines, ugh.

jesyka · Aug 07, 2023 at 11:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tart Cherry Jam

Next time you ask her, if you still want to ask her to go places with you, give her a deadline for when you need her decision. "I need to buy tickets by Sunday night, so do get back to me soon". And if she does not, take it as a no. If this happens a couple more times, stop asking her to go to concerts or movies

That’s a great idea, to establish a deadline so that she won’t have time to be wishy washy. Thanks.

nottheworstcook · Oct 31, 2023 at 06:31 PM

I think its root cause is simple. We were raised in environments (esp inside the home) where we were harshly punished and/or rejected for being direct and saying no. Imagine growing up in a world where you always have to disguise your true feelings out of fear of the consequences. Imagine still carrying that core belief as an adult. It makes for poor interpersonal skills.

But that’s no excuse for that behavior, which is why I’m working on it. It’s hard, but necessary. People pleasing is a much more subtle form of manipulation, and I want to be a healthy adult in healthy relationships. I hope that explains it.

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Tart Cherry Jam Magnate Member Since Mar 2021 Location: California Posts: 2,806 (SuperPoster!) 3 1,257 hugs given	Aug 04, 2023 at 08:46 PM #23 Next time you ask her, if you still want to ask her to go places with you, give her a deadline for when you need her decision. "I need to buy tickets by Sunday night, so do get back to me soon". And if she does not, take it as a no. If this happens a couple more times, stop asking her to go to concerts or movies
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