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Poohbah
Member Since Jun 2020
Location: U.S
Posts: 1,429
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#1
I know it’s a control thing. He often threatens to leave me or take my name off the joint account almost everytime he gets upset with me.
It’s extremely upsetting. He told me that I’d get nothing at all, not even my used car if he leaves me or if I leave him. Why would he do that to me after being married to me for almost 30 years? That’s just evil! I have nowhere to go literally. I can’t stay with my parents as I’ve been banned from the house by my psyho sister who lives there. I doubt that any friend of mine will care enough about me to let me stay at their place for long too. Only one did for a few days years ago, but then her dad told her to not get involved as my husband could come after her. So she probably won’t help me anymore. I live in a 50/50 state, Ca. btw. I wouldn’t be able to afford a lawyer without his help, so I’d be screwed. He is sick & vile! I hate him but I’m stuck because of finances. |
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ArmorPlate108, Discombobulated, FloatThruThis
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2014
Location: US
Posts: 22,799
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#2
He’s just saying it to scare you. It doesn’t work that way. Judge will decide. You don’t work. He’d have to pay spousal support and if you own the house together you get a half. Your husband will be ordered to pay for your lawyer.
I recommend you apply for disability if you cannot work. |
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ArmorPlate108, Blueowl, Discombobulated, unaluna
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2014
Location: US
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#3
I have to add that I don’t believe it’s evil to leave marriage that isn’t a good one. Saying stupid mean things is evil but leaving isn’t. Ideally we’d all be married for life but in reality life is too short to be miserable.
What’s he upset with you about? If there’s a possibility of divorce I’d start planning accordingly. Stashing some money. Not worrying about movies or concerts or restaurants. I don’t really understand how you could do all that if there’s a possibility of homelessness. Stash that money. Even if he is ordered to pay alimony, it would be tough to survive. You need to either work or be on disability. Start putting money aside. |
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ArmorPlate108, FloatThruThis, rechu, unaluna
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Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
Posts: 9,225
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#4
He;'s saying it to control you. He's abusive, so it's all about power and control for him over you.
__________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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ArmorPlate108, Magnificent
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Oct 2004
Location: Kentucky, USA
Posts: 24,920
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#5
I threatened to leave for years until I finally could afford to. Had nothing to do with control but everythingbto do with his financial irresponsibility & his immature behavior I tolerated for 33 years.
Yea, when I was still with him I hired a divorce lawyer hoping it would be simple just to split everything (in Calif also) but he wanted everything & it was going to be a battle because he was & is a jerk. I was dealing with a trauma already & couldn't add the battle to it so I had the money to leave & move 2100 miles away & start life over with good therapy. I finally left & the threatening was over. Still had to deal with some major stupid financial things he had done & finally got my divorce in the state I moved to. He didn't believe I would really leave & he believed I would come back to him after I was away a couple of years. I have been gone 16 years & never looked back or regretted leaving. Yea, saying mean things isn't good or right but I understand. I was so fed up after 33 years with him that only mean things came out of my mouth. Don't minimize the possibility that he will leave. I told my now ex exactly what needed to change for me to stay but by the end there isn't any change he could have made that would have convinced me to stay. He said he believed that because I tolerated him for 33 years that I would tolerate him for the rest of our lives. It is not wise to assume that your husbands threats to leave are idle threats just about control. I remember you posting about things that made your husband mad. Sometimes the mad doesn't go away it just stays & simmers until it hits a boiling point & the threat to leave is no longer a threat but a reality. __________________ Leo's favorite place was in the passenger seat of my truck. We went everywhere together like this. Leo my soulmate will live in my heart FOREVER Nov 1, 2002 - Dec 16, 2018 |
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ArmorPlate108, FloatThruThis
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ArmorPlate108, divine1966, FloatThruThis
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Magnate
Member Since Mar 2021
Location: California
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#6
There are Section 2030 fees in California which are statutory fees awarded to the low income divorcing party when that party can prove that their former partner can afford paying for both attorneys, their own and that of the low income party. It depends on the ability to pay. It is not guaranteed that you will get them but you can try for them. It does not seem that there is anything left in your marriage worth preserving so you are of course well advised to consult with an attorney now. You can start by going to legal aid.
What is your state of access to information about your joint accounts? |
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Discombobulated
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Poohbah
Member Since Jun 2020
Location: U.S
Posts: 1,429
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#7
Quote:
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AzulOscuro
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Poohbah
Member Since Jun 2020
Location: U.S
Posts: 1,429
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#8
Quote:
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Poohbah
Member Since Jun 2020
Location: U.S
Posts: 1,429
4 283 hugs
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#9
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Have Hope
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2014
Location: US
Posts: 22,799
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#10
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Discombobulated
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Poohbah
Member Since Jun 2020
Location: U.S
Posts: 1,429
4 283 hugs
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#11
Quote:
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eskielover
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Poohbah
Member Since Jun 2020
Location: U.S
Posts: 1,429
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#12
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Nov 2014
Location: Spain ( the land of flowers and gladness, lol!)
Posts: 3,825
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#13
Go ahead, Jesyka, a bad marriage isn’t worthy.
Trace a plan as Divine said. Apply for disability and save money. You can do it. Don’t be afraid. __________________ Social Anxiety and Depression. Cluster C traits. Trying to improve my English. My apologies for errors and mistakes in advance. Mankind is complex: Make deserts blossom and lakes die. ( GIL SCOTT-HERSON) |
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Oct 2004
Location: Kentucky, USA
Posts: 24,920
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#14
He may be resentful but that is NOT my problem. He actually ended up with the house which he lost to foreclosure because he is financially irresponsible & who knows what else he has done with everything I left when I moved away. His resentment is unfounded since he was responsible for himself. Easy to blame others for bad choices he made.
__________________ Leo's favorite place was in the passenger seat of my truck. We went everywhere together like this. Leo my soulmate will live in my heart FOREVER Nov 1, 2002 - Dec 16, 2018 |
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Magnate
Member Since Mar 2021
Location: California
Posts: 2,700
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#15
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Poohbah
Member Since Jun 2020
Location: U.S
Posts: 1,429
4 283 hugs
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#16
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Tart Cherry Jam
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Magnate
Member Since Mar 2021
Location: California
Posts: 2,700
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#17
Quote:
I know there is SSI which is not run like this, but it pays very little money and I do not know what the housing situation is for OP since you need to have almost no resources (assets). But of course it is worth looking into Who can get SSI | SSA Just explaining @AzulOscuro that it is a very difficult situation without straightforward solutions that easily come to mind. |
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Discombobulated, rechu
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Nov 2014
Location: Spain ( the land of flowers and gladness, lol!)
Posts: 3,825
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#18
Pretty much similar than in Spain.
There wasn’t a single second in which I thought it would be easy. Trace a plan involves all kinds of considerations, information, applications, try not to slam a door just in case. Nothing is easy and I never intended to mean it. Thank you for the information. I’m sure it will be very helpful for the OP. __________________ Social Anxiety and Depression. Cluster C traits. Trying to improve my English. My apologies for errors and mistakes in advance. Mankind is complex: Make deserts blossom and lakes die. ( GIL SCOTT-HERSON) |
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Discombobulated
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Tart Cherry Jam
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2014
Location: US
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#19
To qualify for disability you need to show that you absolutely unable to work. You need to be under consistent treatment, you need to regularly see a therapist if your disability is for mental health. Also even if qualify, your payment will be peanuts if you are married to employed man, have a house, car, go on international vacations etc You need to be destitute to get any SSI.
I’d certainly talk to a medical professional if they think there’s even a chance. Even if the person has s disability, it doesn’t mean they’d qualify for disability if they are able to work. Ton of people with disabilities work. Do your doctors think you cannot work? So Jesyka if you want to go that route, you need to talk to your doctor. You need to divorce your husband and have no income to qualify for SSI or you need to see if you work long enough to qualify for SSDI |
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jesyka, Tart Cherry Jam
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Magnate
Member Since Mar 2021
Location: California
Posts: 2,700
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#20
How long have the two of you been married @jesyka?
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