Why does my husband constantly threaten to leave me & take my name off the account?

jesyka · Aug 02, 2023 at 11:55 AM

I know it’s a control thing. He often threatens to leave me or take my name off the joint account almost everytime he gets upset with me.

It’s extremely upsetting. He told me that I’d get nothing at all, not even my used car if he leaves me or if I leave him.

Why would he do that to me after being married to me for almost 30 years? That’s just evil!

I have nowhere to go literally. I can’t stay with my parents as I’ve been banned from the house by my psyho sister who lives there. I doubt that any friend of mine will care enough about me to let me stay at their place for long too.

Only one did for a few days years ago, but then her dad told her to not get involved as my husband could come after her. So she probably won’t help me anymore.

I live in a 50/50 state, Ca. btw. I wouldn’t be able to afford a lawyer without his help, so I’d be screwed. He is sick & vile! I hate him but I’m stuck because of finances.

divine1966 · Aug 02, 2023 at 12:46 PM

He’s just saying it to scare you. It doesn’t work that way. Judge will decide. You don’t work. He’d have to pay spousal support and if you own the house together you get a half. Your husband will be ordered to pay for your lawyer.

I recommend you apply for disability if you cannot work.

divine1966 · Aug 02, 2023 at 04:51 PM

I have to add that I don’t believe it’s evil to leave marriage that isn’t a good one. Saying stupid mean things is evil but leaving isn’t. Ideally we’d all be married for life but in reality life is too short to be miserable.

What’s he upset with you about?

If there’s a possibility of divorce I’d start planning accordingly. Stashing some money. Not worrying about movies or concerts or restaurants. I don’t really understand how you could do all that if there’s a possibility of homelessness. Stash that money. Even if he is ordered to pay alimony, it would be tough to survive. You need to either work or be on disability. Start putting money aside.

Have Hope · Aug 02, 2023 at 06:06 PM

He;'s saying it to control you. He's abusive, so it's all about power and control for him over you.

eskielover · Aug 02, 2023 at 10:58 PM

I threatened to leave for years until I finally could afford to. Had nothing to do with control but everythingbto do with his financial irresponsibility & his immature behavior I tolerated for 33 years.

Yea, when I was still with him I hired a divorce lawyer hoping it would be simple just to split everything (in Calif also) but he wanted everything & it was going to be a battle because he was & is a jerk. I was dealing with a trauma already & couldn't add the battle to it so I had the money to leave & move 2100 miles away & start life over with good therapy. I finally left & the threatening was over. Still had to deal with some major stupid financial things he had done & finally got my divorce in the state I moved to. He didn't believe I would really leave & he believed I would come back to him after I was away a couple of years. I have been gone 16 years & never looked back or regretted leaving.

Yea, saying mean things isn't good or right but I understand. I was so fed up after 33 years with him that only mean things came out of my mouth.

Don't minimize the possibility that he will leave. I told my now ex exactly what needed to change for me to stay but by the end there isn't any change he could have made that would have convinced me to stay. He said he believed that because I tolerated him for 33 years that I would tolerate him for the rest of our lives.

It is not wise to assume that your husbands threats to leave are idle threats just about control. I remember you posting about things that made your husband mad. Sometimes the mad doesn't go away it just stays & simmers until it hits a boiling point & the threat to leave is no longer a threat but a reality.

Tart Cherry Jam · Aug 03, 2023 at 11:03 PM

There are Section 2030 fees in California which are statutory fees awarded to the low income divorcing party when that party can prove that their former partner can afford paying for both attorneys, their own and that of the low income party. It depends on the ability to pay. It is not guaranteed that you will get them but you can try for them. It does not seem that there is anything left in your marriage worth preserving so you are of course well advised to consult with an attorney now. You can start by going to legal aid.

What is your state of access to information about your joint accounts?

jesyka · Aug 07, 2023 at 11:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

He’s just saying it to scare you. It doesn’t work that way. Judge will decide. You don’t work. He’d have to pay spousal support and if you own the house together you get a half. Your husband will be ordered to pay for your lawyer.

I recommend you apply for disability if you cannot work.

That’s what I thought, thanks. I’ll apply for disability.

jesyka · Aug 07, 2023 at 11:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

I have to add that I don’t believe it’s evil to leave marriage that isn’t a good one. Saying stupid mean things is evil but leaving isn’t. Ideally we’d all be married for life but in reality life is too short to be miserable.

What’s he upset with you about?

If there’s a possibility of divorce I’d start planning accordingly. Stashing some money. Not worrying about movies or concerts or restaurants. I don’t really understand how you could do all that if there’s a possibility of homelessness. Stash that money. Even if he is ordered to pay alimony, it would be tough to survive. You need to either work or be on disability. Start putting money aside.

OK. I should’ve done that years ago.

jesyka · Aug 07, 2023 at 11:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope

He;'s saying it to control you. He's abusive, so it's all about power and control for him over you.

True. He could’ve divorced me a long time ago. He is a control freak, ugh.

divine1966 · Aug 07, 2023 at 11:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jesyka

OK. I should’ve done that years ago.

You can start now

jesyka · Aug 07, 2023 at 11:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by eskielover

I threatened to leave for years until I finally could afford to. Had nothing to do with control but everythingbto do with his financial irresponsibility & his immature behavior I tolerated for 33 years.

Yea, when I was still with him I hired a divorce lawyer hoping it would be simple just to split everything (in Calif also) but he wanted everything & it was going to be a battle because he was & is a jerk. I was dealing with a trauma already & couldn't add the battle to it so I had the money to leave & move 2100 miles away & start life over with good therapy. I finally left & the threatening was over. Still had to deal with some major stupid financial things he had done & finally got my divorce in the state I moved to. He didn't believe I would really leave & he believed I would come back to him after I was away a couple of years. I have been gone 16 years & never looked back or regretted leaving.

Yea, saying mean things isn't good or right but I understand. I was so fed up after 33 years with him that only mean things came out of my mouth.

Don't minimize the possibility that he will leave. I told my now ex exactly what needed to change for me to stay but by the end there isn't any change he could have made that would have convinced me to stay. He said he believed that because I tolerated him for 33 years that I would tolerate him for the rest of our lives.

It is not wise to assume that your husbands threats to leave are idle threats just about control. I remember you posting about things that made your husband mad. Sometimes the mad doesn't go away it just stays & simmers until it hits a boiling point & the threat to leave is no longer a threat but a reality.

Sorry to hear about your divorce. I’m glad to hear that you’re better off now. He is probably still resentful about a lot of things.

jesyka · Aug 07, 2023 at 11:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tart Cherry Jam

There are Section 2030 fees in California which are statutory fees awarded to the low income divorcing party when that party can prove that their former partner can afford paying for both attorneys, their own and that of the low income party. It depends on the ability to pay. It is not guaranteed that you will get them but you can try for them. It does not seem that there is anything left in your marriage worth preserving so you are of course well advised to consult with an attorney now. You can start by going to legal aid.

What is your state of access to information about your joint accounts?

Thanks. I didn’t know that.

AzulOscuro · Aug 07, 2023 at 03:37 PM

Go ahead, Jesyka, a bad marriage isn’t worthy.
Trace a plan as Divine said. Apply for disability and save money.
You can do it. Don’t be afraid.

eskielover · Aug 07, 2023 at 05:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jesyka

Sorry to hear about your divorce. I’m glad to hear that you’re better off now. He is probably still resentful about a lot of things.

He may be resentful but that is NOT my problem. He actually ended up with the house which he lost to foreclosure because he is financially irresponsible & who knows what else he has done with everything I left when I moved away. His resentment is unfounded since he was responsible for himself. Easy to blame others for bad choices he made.

Tart Cherry Jam · Aug 07, 2023 at 06:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jesyka

Thanks. I didn’t know that.

Given how often his threats occur and how unhappy you are in general in this marriage, it behooves you to learn more by talking to an attorney or at least checking out a NOLO book on divorced from the library.

jesyka · Aug 09, 2023 at 02:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tart Cherry Jam

Given how often his threats occur and how unhappy you are in general in this marriage, it behooves you to learn more by talking to an attorney or at least checking out a NOLO book on divorced from the library.

Thanks, I will.

Tart Cherry Jam · Aug 11, 2023 at 11:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AzulOscuro

Go ahead, Jesyka, a bad marriage isn’t worthy.
Trace a plan as Divine said. Apply for disability and save money.
You can do it. Don’t be afraid.

In the US, disability (SSDI) is government-run insurance program. You have to pay into it while you work to qualify for it later. You work, you pay taxes, you become eligible for disability. You need to have worked for an equivalent of 10 years (not necessarily in a straight line) to become eligible. I do not think that Jesyka has worked enough to qualify.

I know there is SSI which is not run like this, but it pays very little money and I do not know what the housing situation is for OP since you need to have almost no resources (assets). But of course it is worth looking into Who can get SSI | SSA

Just explaining @AzulOscuro that it is a very difficult situation without straightforward solutions that easily come to mind.

AzulOscuro · Aug 12, 2023 at 07:17 AM

Pretty much similar than in Spain.
There wasn’t a single second in which I thought it would be easy. Trace a plan involves all kinds of considerations, information, applications, try not to slam a door just in case.
Nothing is easy and I never intended to mean it.

Thank you for the information. I’m sure it will be very helpful for the OP.

divine1966 · Aug 12, 2023 at 07:32 AM

To qualify for disability you need to show that you absolutely unable to work. You need to be under consistent treatment, you need to regularly see a therapist if your disability is for mental health. Also even if qualify, your payment will be peanuts if you are married to employed man, have a house, car, go on international vacations etc You need to be destitute to get any SSI.

I’d certainly talk to a medical professional if they think there’s even a chance. Even if the person has s disability, it doesn’t mean they’d qualify for disability if they are able to work. Ton of people with disabilities work. Do your doctors think you cannot work?

So Jesyka if you want to go that route, you need to talk to your doctor. You need to divorce your husband and have no income to qualify for SSI or you need to see if you work long enough to qualify for SSDI

Tart Cherry Jam · Aug 15, 2023 at 11:08 PM

How long have the two of you been married @jesyka?

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divine1966 Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Dec 2014 Location: US Posts: 22,385 (SuperPoster!) 9 1,277 hugs given	Aug 02, 2023 at 12:46 PM #2 He’s just saying it to scare you. It doesn’t work that way. Judge will decide. You don’t work. He’d have to pay spousal support and if you own the house together you get a half. Your husband will be ordered to pay for your lawyer. I recommend you apply for disability if you cannot work.
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Have Hope Wise Elder Member Since Dec 2017 Location: Eastern, USA Posts: 9,094 (SuperPoster!) 6 3,628 hugs given	Aug 02, 2023 at 06:06 PM #4 He;'s saying it to control you. He's abusive, so it's all about power and control for him over you. __________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes
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Tart Cherry Jam Magnate Member Since Mar 2021 Location: California Posts: 2,589 (SuperPoster!) 3 1,171 hugs given	Aug 15, 2023 at 11:08 PM #20 How long have the two of you been married @jesyka?
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