Letting Go

I have been having some pretty profound realizations. One, is that at least in recent years, I have been identifying foremost with men's inner pain and suffering that I pick up on. NOT with their interests, passions, hobbies, or really who they are as a person. I pick up on suffering, I identify with that level, and I run with it thinking there's a connection, when really it's just me being overly compassionate and misguided.

Another epiphany I've had is that I didn't TRULY enjoy my ex husband's company - not really. On weekends, he would drag me around in his car, running all his errands. It was not fun for me. Nor, was conversing with him in these long 4-5 hour long ordeals. We did not have fun, lively or interesting conversations from my perspective. He would talk incessantly about cars on the road because that's the subject he knows best. Then, inevitably, he would revert to talking about past music festivals, over and over and over again. He lived in the glory days of his past, and this subject came up repeatedly, as though those few festivals were all he had in his life that were awesome & fulfilling experiences.

I also couldn't relate to his stories about his upbringing, and to how his parents spoiled him rotten, catered to him, and coddled him. They bought him multiple fancy sports cars in high school. They financially supported him in going to all these concerts across the country. They supported him financially until he was 32 years old! I've been working since I was 16 years old! My parents NEVER bought me a car, a brand new car. I had to earn the money to buy them on my own. I've always supported myself financially as an adult. And, my life experiences go far beyond just music festivals.

He was boring and repetitive, in other words. He did not have much to offer me.

He would also concern himself with politics and subject matter that was beyond our control, such as the Ukraine war and aliens perhaps attacking our planet one day. He believed that the war in Ukraine would lead to world war 3 and that it meant it was the end of our life. He is preoccupied by aliens and by our gov't supposedly hiding pertinent alien information from the public.

These topics hold little interest for me. I do not concern myself with these things, with politics, or matters beyond my control. We would watch Ancient Aliens together, and while sometimes I found it kind of interesting, after years of this I grew bored.

We didn't really have a ton in common beyond our passion for the same music and seeing live music. He grew up very spoiled and very wealthy. I grew up privileged and comfortable, but not spoiled or wealthy. We both have private school education as kids growing up, but he never finished college and did not have a typical four-year college experience.

So, I need to stop identifying with people's pain and look at the whole person. That's a pretty major epiphany for me.

Visions of my ex husband with tears running down his face and snot dripping from his nose as he packed his belongings to move out are haunting me.

I vividly recall standing in the kitchen watching him as he packed and cried to me.. then as he took his stuff to his car outside while still bawling and I stood there watching, frozen and unable to speak. I did not feel much compassion for him at the time, and only wanted him out of the house.

But these visions and memories haunt me from time to time. Not incessantly, just once in a while these memories arise and I feel a tug on my heart strings.

I was SO cold at the time when this happened. SO COLD. It felt heartless on my behalf, but it was his own doing, and I do recall saying that much to him as he packed and cried.

I guess I am a bit stunned by my cold-hearted response. It is so unlike me to be that way. Normally, I would have comforted him in some way, but I didn't. I just stood there watching as the tears ran down his face and as his hands shook wildly when trying to hold an object.

But this was necessary self care on my part, to kick him out for good. And at the time, I didn't feel any compassion towards him. I had had enough of his abuse.

This is all just a very strange feeling.

It’s normal to feel guilty. I am familiar with the feeling especially if the person is reacting in this manner like crying etc Remaining unaffected was a reaction you needed in order to get through. It’s normal too. If you start bawling too who knows how it would end up. Maybe you’d not have guts to go ahead with divorce

I think maybe to help with that think that you weren’t leaving/asking to leave an innocent child, elderly family member, incapacitated person. You weren’t throwing them out with no means to provide for themselves in the middle of sub zero temperatures in the blizzard.

You were ending it with a grown man and I am sure he was leaving having place to go to. He has family and friends and he wasn’t going to sleep on the streets. Him crying well people often cry at break ups.

And shortly after he went on telling bad things about you to his friends. So much for snots running out of his nose Purge it out of your mind.

Thanks, divine. This helps me to hear. After writing that post, I realized just what you had pointed out: that IF I HAD sympathized, I may not have gone through with the divorce. I did what I had to do in order to be able to carry it through.

When is he going to be gone from my head and thoughts?

I am not obsessing over him constantly, but thoughts of my ex do return probably a couple of times per day. I don't dwell on the thoughts either, I let them come and go and they leave rather quickly, but it's annoying af that I can't seem to get him off my mind.

Is it because I am single and alone now and he was the last person I was serious with? I mean, it's not like I haven't met or been with any other guys since him. I dated one casually for 2 months, and I've slept with a few men since. And right now, I am playing the field a little bit so to speak. But thoughts of him won't leave me alone.

It’s normal. I doubt it has anything to do with you being single or not. Just give it time

Have you solved the phone problem? You do know that there is always the factory reset option, right? You would have to reinstall all your apps, but everything will be wiped out. I think if he tampered with the phone via installing tracking apps, a factory reset would help.

What a pain but thank you. No I have not factory reset my phone and I haven’t resolved it.

Hi Hope,

I read your original post in this string, and a couple of responses. I haven't read them all.

You know my story.

I took a big step forward recently. Two things happened: I took some time off from work on sick leave, and I let myself sink into a terribly low state of mind for a few weeks.

You saw my posts on here, longing and mourning.

I think, for me, I actually needed to let everything wash over me, and sink into true despair for a while. I think my franticness to just keep moving actually kept me from progressing.

I'm doing better now than I was a few weeks ago. I found a few people that I trust, and this board, and I really vented and TALKED about all the pain.

Trying to chase the pain away when you haven't processed it enough yet, I think, slows you down from progressing.

Just my recent experience.

RDMercer

Thank you....

I am not necessarily trying to chase my pain away and I have been processing and grieving the relationship since 2020 when I first separated from my husband.

I am now just dealing with leftovers and remnants of him that float around. I do not dwell on him nor I am obsessing. Thoughts of him float through maybe once a day... I think I'm still grieving a bit, but through my grief, I am making sure that I am meeting new people, forming new friendships, and am having fun.

Life is good in other words. I am doing well! Thanks for your thoughts.

You're further along in this journey than me.

In my case, my wife was my one long term person.

I really did have to take time to mourn.

RDM

I’ve mourned. Now I’m at a point where I want a second chance at love and marriage since I screwed up so badly the first time.

I ran into one of my ex husband's best friends this weekend at a concert. It was a buzz kill. He wished me the best and talked to me for a minute, but I felt awkward. I had unfriended he and his wife and all of my ex's friends when we separated a year ago. We had been friendly with each other at one point in time and had somewhat become friends. I had gone to the beach with his wife once, just the two of us. But things got weird after my ex and I separated. I sent a few texts to this friend's wife. screenshots of texts between my ex and I. I was trying to prove to this friend's wife that my ex had been abusive. She never replied to those texts and didn't block me. And I only did this twice. Once, and then a couple months later, once again.

I was with a date when I ran into this friend of my ex's. The friend looked my date up and down. My date's hair resembles my ex's. Dark hair with silver streaks and a beard. My ex has a gotee though, not a beard. And my date is a lot thinner than my ex. But still, the hair is very similar so it appears like I am attracted to the same type as my ex husband.

I am not going to stop going to these events, as certain members have suggested I do. It's not so bad that I don't want to go to these events. But it was awkward for me, and it preyed on my mind a little bit during the show. I was wondering where the friend was sitting and if he could see me dancing up front with my date. My date and I stood in the very front row in front of the stage and were highly visible.

I still had a good time at the show, nonetheless. My date was affectionate and fun to dance with. We had a good time together.

And... I am still healing.

I've realized. I've mourned, but I am still mourning the loss of ME through my marriage. I am rebuilding my life and myself. I am building myself back up after having been abused for nearly five years. I lost myself in my marriage, and I sacrificed MY NEEDS and everything i like to do and everything about who I am.

I am rediscovering that person now and I am having a lot of fun doing it. It's exciting...

I am getting out in the world, meeting new people, forging new friendships, being independent and free. It's liberating and empowering .and I feel myself coming back to life. It's like all the happy cells in my body are lit up again, one by one by one. I feel full emotionally and spiritually. I feel far more fulfilled in my life now, and without a committed relationship and partner.

I am dating again and am meeting single men again. It's fun meeting new men and trying them on for size. I am enjoying myself and my life, but I still cry here and there over the loss of myself for that many years.

It pains me that I abandoned myself, and I've promised to myself that I will never do that again. I will never sacrifice who I am for anyone...

and next time, I am NOT moving in right away with a man. I am going to take my time to get to know someone before fully committing myself.

I kick myself at times. Had I not moved in so fast with my ex husband who abused me, I never would have married him. Moving in was a fast track towards marriage for us. We became engaged quickly and married quickly.

I knew on our wedding day that I was in trouble. I knew it was likely a huge mistake I had made. My husband fought with me the morning of our wedding and then coerced me into doing cocaine that night, against my desires. I don't like cocaine, I don't like being around it or around people doing it. It ruins lives. I've seen it bring out nastiness in people. It's an evil drug and I want nothing to do with it. But he coerced me and I gave in, against my better judgement and wishes. And I've always resented that.

So, I cry for the woman inside who gave up herself for a relationship and man. Never again. I am done. I am going to be far pickier this time and will take my time this go around.

My new guy is still very new....

I like him so far, but there's so much more to learn about each other. It takes time to truly get to know someone's real character. And now I really know this and see it.....

I want to be very deliberate and cautious. I am not going to commit myself too soon. Yeah, we've had sex, and I wanted to do that so I did. That's OK. It does not equate to commitment or a relationship, in my mind.

I made the same mistake moving in very fast (against my wishes and better judgment) and then marrying very fast. Still not completely done recovering from that nearly fatal mistake.

It's such a mistake, isn't it? I regret my decisions, but I cannot undo them. I can only learn to not do the same thing again.

That is the only thing we can do.

It really is. It's taken me a long time to come to this point. I repeated the same mistakes for years. It's probably why abusive men kept showing up in my life. I failed to learn the lesson, so the lesson repeated itself in different men.

Not this time. This time it's going to be far better and very different. I am on the lookout for red flags. I want to go slowly and take my time. I want to get to know someone's character before I commit to being someone's "girlfriend". And sleeping with someone for me does not equate to meaning we are suddenly boyfriend and girlfriend.

I am casually seeing someone now and I want to get to know him better. So far so good, but I am still wary and cautious.

My ex husband showed up uninvited and unannounced in my driveway last night as I was pulling out in my car to leave. OMG! I haven't communicated with him at all since July and I haven't physically seen him in person in 6 months. So, he decides to just drop in, after I had made it perfectly clear months ago that he should not come by my house uninvited?????

He talked at me for five mins. I tried to tell him I don't want to talk to him about us or really about anything at all. So then he tells me he is getting a cancer screening next month and that he's having some issues. He tells me in his typical melodramatic way that if he dies, he will watch over me. Oh Lordy. He ALWAYS thinks he's going to die! He's SO melodramatic.

I was in shock that he showed up out of the blue like that. He must have been watching me and approached when he saw me leave my house to get in my car. CREEPY! I didn't know what to say except to tell him to get lost. I was angry. I recorded a portion of what he was telling me. Same ole story. He misses me, he's devastated, he knows I'm happy without him and he hopes I live the best life. Then why tell me all this if it's all already been stated? He has said this in his emails several times. Repetitive stuff.

Ugh, I am going to be sick... this week has been brutal for me. I had to say goodbye to my cousin who is in hospice, then I broke up with the guy I've been seeing, and now this?!?? I cannot handle this week right now. and I have to gather all my strength to get myself to work and to actually work the whole day. OMG.

I contacted the police to see what can be done - I wanted to file a report on my ex husband for trespassing. Nothing could be done. I would have to go to court to get a restraining order. And I know what that involves because I've had to get one before. It involves several court dates and several hours away from work. I cannot do that right now since I do not get paid for any time out of the office, and I need all of my earnings right now. A restraining order is not possible, unless they hire me on full time.

So instead, I wrote him an email and spelled it out on no uncertain terms that 1) I do not wish to see or speak with him 2) do NOT show up at my apartment uninvited.

And... he responded. I did not anticipate a reply from him after that.

He said he has seen psychics about me/us. One told him that I still have feelings for him deep down and that we are "twin flames", which is the highest form of soulmates that can exist. Someone told him that there was a hex on our relationship (hahahahahahaha - I had to laugh at that one!) and that there was third party influence over my decision to divorce.

He tells me he is having prostrate issues and was out of work for weeks with pneumonia. The health issues with him continue. He's always had pretty bad health issues. He says he is alone, scared, and brokenhearted.

I cannot deal with this. I am in NO mood to deal with this.

I am not responding.

If he shows up again, tell him you have seen psychics who told you to stay away from him

LOL! Too freaking funny!!!!

My ex had written that he is fighting for his life. Oh please. He is SO melodramatic. He had pneumonia for several weeks and is getting tested for prostate cancer. He is NOT fighting for his life! He has experienced s symptoms, but he does not have a doctor's prognosis or even test results yet. What a crock. I know he is trying to reel me in, to get me to feel sympathy for him, and to communicate with him again. SO manipulative.

I am not going to feed into this. IF I express ANY concern or sympathy, it will only encourage him to communicate with me again. NO. I cannot extend any sympathy.

I was trying on dresses for my upcoming work event/work dinner which is a dress-up occasion. I found a dress that I haven't worn since the beginning of my relationship with my ex husband. I was thin at the time, when I had worn this dress to his brother's barmitzfah. So, in trying the dress on again for the first time in years, and after having lost 20 pounds recently, the dress fits me again. And a bad memory popped up while doing so. When I had worn this dress to the barmitzfah years ago I met my ex's mother for the first time. After that occasion, I started to add on weight. The next time I saw his mother, several months later, she commented to me "I liked you better thinner".

What a horrible thing for her to have said. Little does she know that I've struggled with body image issues and an eating disorder. No, she did not know this, yet still, it was the most insulting and hurtful comment to me.

Horrible people, my ex's entire family. His mother made rude comments to me like this frequently. His father was sexist and a misogynist, not to mention, abusive. His one living brother is also explosive and angry, just like my ex. Horrible people. What a horrible family.

I hope I never have to see my ex again.

I hope so too. It's great you won't have those toxic people in your life.