Letting Go

Yes, I am between San Fransisco and San Jose. I love visiting Oakland! Does not happen often, though.

OMG, I LOVE that area!!!! I love love love northern Cali. I lived in Salinas for 3 months in 2013, and in Oakland for 8 months in 2013-2014. It was amazing!!!!! The ocean, Big Sur, the vineyards, the redwoods... the landscape is so dramatic out there and gorgeous!!!! Not to mention San Francisco city itself, which is my favorite city in the whole country!!!!

I lived in Salinas, too! From 2000 to 2003. Really liked the city.

OMG! That's awesome!!

I'm feeling very sad this morning. I am feeling the sadness of not having a partner who truly loves me, appreciates me, honors me, and respects me.

I have not had a healthy, stable, long-term fulfilling relationship in my entire life. Not ever. I've had lots of short-term relationships. I've had some healthy ones, but it's been a long time. The most recent relationships have been incredibly toxic.

I am not going to settle - not ever again. But I want to fall in love. I want the real thing. The real deal and long-term. I want a lifelong partner. I am fine and happy being single right now, but ultimately at some point, I'd like to find 'the one".

I am 53 years old. I look like I'm 45, I am told. So that weighs in my favor slightly. I refuse to do online dating. I hate online dating. Every time I've tried it, I've met dysfunctional men. NO THANK YOU. I think in today's world, it's incredibly hard to find a stable, emotionally healthy man, let alone someone around my age.

I know I need to branch out from my social scene. I know I need to join some groups, perhaps an outdoor activities group, so that I can meet different types of men.

But I want a guy who loves the same music as I do. This is very important to me. Music is central to my life and is one of my greatest passions. I want a guy who will go to live shows with me, all the ones I love. We need to have this in common. I know of couples who don't share that, and I always think, I don't want that. I want to share this passion with my partner.

My ex husband and I did share music as a passion. UGH. I met my ex through the local music scene.

But every man I've become involved with from my music scene is dysfunctional in some way. The first guy was a gypsy and very non-commmital. The second guy had too much toxic drama surrounding him and was involved in a heavy drug scene. All his friends seemed like burnouts. No thank you. The third guy I believe is a narcissist and exhibits negative behaviors reminding me of my ex. 3 guys I've dated and I am done.

I've been waiting until I had a stable steady job to join social groups. Now I do have a stable job. But I am wary. What if men in those groups are no better? I am a bit jaded from my experiences with men lately.

I think I will wait before joining groups - maybe in the new year. New year, turn a new leaf? Try new and different activities? The new year is a perfect time to make some necessary changes.

UGH. In the meantime, I am saddened and disheartened.

Try to find joy in good things: you look like you are 45 and you finally have a stable job. Hopefully other good things are about to come.

Thank you. I am definitely happy about those things.

You deserve to find a loving, supportive partner but I've realized this is a HUGE task especially when people are over 30 or 40. I'm not sure I would ever look for another partner if anything happened to my husband. I'm just too jaded from hearing stories of charming yet selfish individuals who expect to take more than they give in a relationship. I wonder if there are non-Internet dating agencies that do background checks to verify someone's career, education, and criminal record check and so on. Too many liars, gold diggers and cheaters out there.


Personally I would try not to exclude a man just because he's not part of your music scene - some men may be open to new experiences. I always thought I would NEVER date a man who wasn't a big fiction reader because that is so important to me, but then I met my husband who literally can't read much due to his disability but likes other forms of fiction like TV series. Now he has gotten into audio books. Shared values may be more important than shared interests.


I remember when I started dating my husband I did a "pop psychology" test where I asked him his favourite animal and 3 things he liked about them. He said dogs because they are so loyal. People tend to project the traits they value in themselves. I soon realize he himself is very loyal and would never cheat on me. After the former guy I dated, this was so refreshing.

Thanks.

That's a great test question you posed to your husband. How clever.

I want to feel hopeful and like it's possible to find someone at my age, but I refuse to do online dating. I know I probably should not exclude it, but I've not had good experiences in recent years.

It's really hard for me to imagine dating someone who doesn't like the same music. Music is SO much a part of my life.

I probably will join an outdoor group in January. I also have to quit smoking. If I want a healthy partner, I have to get healthy myself. And I want a healthy partner.

I don't know. I am discouraged.

It's also the holiday season now. And I wish I had a partner to snuggle with and to keep me warm in the winter months.

My ex husband used to frequently fight with me on holidays.

One year, he instigated a fight then refused to join me and my family for Thanksgiving dinner, so I had to go alone! Then I had to bring him home a plate of food, on top of it! I was SO hurt that he didn't come. It ruined Thanksgiving that year.

Then another time on Christmas day, he fought with me and almost ruined Christmas for me! Unbelievable. Same thing with New Years Eve - he instigated yet another fight.

At least I don't have to deal with THAT crap anymore. I am thankful for that.

This is a big deal that you no longer have that millstone around your neck. I think there are lots of nice treats that one can give oneself around the holidays, like
- putting up lights and decorations

- taking hot bubble bath and putting on a plushy robe afterwards
- fleece throws and blankets

- buying a portable heater - so soothing - I have one blowing at me right now and both my cats have joined me on the sofa to enjoy the warmth. - Making hot chocolate with mint or cinnamon, and a splash of Bailey's if desired. Even coffee or tea with Bailey's is so good. I always pick up a big bottle to flavour hot drinks.

- doing some seasonal baking for oneself. I put most of the dough into small freezer bags of 1-2 cookie amounts to stop myself overeating it. Just thaw one bag at a time and bake 1-2 cookies to enjoy after dinner.
- other seasonal foods like stollen, pumpkin pie, turkey dinners, mince tarts

- cooking comfort foods like savoury soups, mac and cheese with curry and cauliflower, and tuna casserole.
- seasonal scented incense. I like cinnamon and bayberry
- advent calendars with daily treats. Can be edible, makeup, socks, and so on.

Thank you for these suggestions.

Normally I think I would do at least some of these things for myself, but right now, I am not feeling festive.

I am struggling at work and it's effecting me in my down time. I am really down on myself because of issues happening at work. I feel like burying myself under a blanket, hiding and never going back to work again.

Maybe come Dec I will feel a little more festive, but not now. I do like and appreciate the suggestions though. I cannot take a hot bath though. Not in my tub. That's one thing I cannot do.

But you're right - at least I don't have that noose around my neck anymore, and at least, I don't have to deal with fighting during the holidays. I can find my own peace.. so that's good at least.

It is hard when things are not going well at work. I certainly understand why you do not feel festive.

Thank you!! Yeah it’s not easy when work is challenging!

I have another thread on here regarding me getting a DUI last week, on Thanksgiving morning. Just awesome.

I am stressed out about this enough as it is, trying to figure out how to get to and from work without letting my boss know that I lost the right to drive my car for the next 5-6 weeks.

And, I realize that IF I were still with my husband, I not only would have to tend to MY stress over it, but I would also have to appease HIM and tend. to HIS stress. And then it would turn around to be all about HIM, and how stressed HE is about me possibly losing my job!

UGH. Thank goodness I am not dealing with him. My stress over this alone is too much for me to carry.

On the flip side, because I haven't had to deal with him that much since last June/July, sometimes I feel the abuse amnesia & trauma bond creeping back in, and I think, oh, it's too bad that could not work out because I enjoyed certain aspects of our relationship.

All I have to do is go on my abuse forums on Facebook and read the stories there about narc abuse to snap out of it. And it works! It's an amazing formula for resolving abuse amnesia and the trauma bond.

Immediately, I remember ALL the abusive & toxic behaviors and I come back to terms with the fact that all those nicer aspects were just sheer manipulations to keep me hooked, which is how they operate.

I bought a book on Amazon yesterday and cannot wait for it to arrive! It's called Thriving after Narcissistic Abuse. This is where I presently am right now - seeking to thrive, not just survive, but thrive. Yeah, I lost my driver's license for the next 5 weeks, but I am OK and am actually in good spirits and health! I feel grounded.

This DUI is grounding me and is helping me to turn a new leaf in my life. I am thinking about my personal goals...

what do I want to achieve and do in the next year for myself and for my growth? I want to sing and join a singing group. I want to join an outdoor activity group. I want to do yoga. I want to take a vacation to Mexico next summer with one of my best girlfriends. I want to quit smoking. I want to climb mountains and go camping. I want to go white water river rafting. There are SO many things I want to do!!!

I am excited for this new journey! And I view this DUI as a growth and learning opportunity. It's a chance to make some important and healthy changes in my life. I am viewing it as positively as possible. This is going to change my entire life and all for the better.

I am going to start reading again in my down time. I am happy. I feel good.