Letting Go

I have an issue whereby I hold onto relationships emotionally long after they end. The last time this happened was with my ex fiance before I married my husband. I didn't let it go for two years after our breakup. It ended very badly, and I was torn apart by his cruel words to me in the end, which stuck with me for the next two years! I couldn't get past the hurt and the pain of those most cutting comments.

And now that I am 3 months divorced, I am holding on emotionally still to my ex husband who abused me pretty badly. It makes NO LOGICAL sense whatsoever.

This morning, I realized that I have go to let go of him, in every way. I've moved on in some ways, meaning I dated a guy rather casually for two months during my divorce, and I've met many new men, but I am emotionally still very attached to my marriage/relationship.

I envisioned putting him and everything about our relationship into an imaginary box, tying a bow around it and setting it free to float down the river, letting the water carry it far far away from me. Or maybe I would set it free into space and into orbit somewhere in a far away galaxy. LOL. This imaginary vision helps me to envision fully letting go, but it's still hard for me.

I thought about taking all the jewelry he gave me that I now refuse to wear for multiple reasons to the ocean and dumping it all there in a box or something. For one, it's diamond and gemstone jewelry that I no longer wish to wear simply because it doesn't suit my style. I am more low key than that, even though I do enjoy gemstone jewelry. And two, all these pieces are from him, and are only a reminder of all the abuse and toxicity. The negative.

So, maybe I will take his jewels to the ocean and set them free.

My question to members here: how do you let go of a relationship that hurt you deeply? What is your strategy? How do you move on in life without allowing the emotional baggage to carry on with you? Please don't mention dating or sleeping with other men. That strategy has not worked for me. But what else helps? I know the obvious answers.. focus on your own hobbies, passions, friendships and interests and fill the void. I am doing this, but still I am holding on.

And what I am holding onto???? The hope that he will change and come back to me a new and changed man? That's not happening. I gave him a hundred chances to make things right with me. We even went to counseling and he even went to individual therapy. He still did not change.

Or, am I holding onto all the hurt and pain inflicted upon me for years? How does one truly get past all the pain???? Abuse is horrid... it's an absolute nightmare... the fighting, the gaslighting, the projections, all the control, the blaming, the mean jokes, the insults, the cheating, lies and betrayals.. the list goes on.

How do you really get past abuse?

How do you really get past abuse?

Time, my friend.

Life is too short to put up with abuse so removing yourself from that situation is a step in the right direction. I wish you well.

Time helps. But also reflecting on what happened and using experience as a lesson for the future knowing how to avoid it. It helps to not feel a victim.

Also I think it helps to remember that other people’s behaviors is a reflection on them, not you. Somebody said nasty things to you. If you internalize it, then it’s harder to get over. But if you remember that they are either nasty people or are too unwell to know better, then you don’t take it as personal. It’s not a reflection on who you are.

I’ve also read somewhere (I think on psychology site) that it’s perfectly normal to be completely devastated after break up. If you still feel that way a month or 6 months or a year later, it’s understandable. If you cannot let it go and are either devastated or depressed or miss them so much you can’t function longer than a year, then it’s alarming. At that point you might need some help to get over. Therapy or other ways.

I think it also helps to live more in reality and less in a fantasy. I think sometimes we feel devastation because we built up a fantasy of how great this person is and how great our relationship is going to be. Then it comes crushing. And it’s so hard to come out of it because it doesn’t match your fantasy. So less fantasy and more reality helps. Fantasy might be more exciting but it’s not real so it always ends in a big crush. It’s hard to come out of it.

Don’t throw away your jewelry! If you truly don’t want it, donate it.

This. Fantasy vs reality. I think that's what's eating at me the most. He built himself (and me) up to be this amazing person, then he turned out to be the complete opposite. It's the soul crushing disappointment and reality of his abuse.

It's been a few months since the divorce. I don't have faith in therapists too much anymore. I would have to find someone who is of super high quality. I am tired of mediocre therapists at best. Therapy has not been very effective for me over the years. It's always talk therapy, without any concrete direction, purpose, or resolution.

It was a thought. I'm definitely not wearing it.

I think few months isn’t long enough. I also think marriage even a short one like yours is different grief than just a relationship. You grieving what you thought the future was supposed to be like staying for life. But then it didn’t work out, So you aren’t only grieving what happened but also grieving your future that you planned on spending with person. So it’s perfectly normal to feel yucky right now. Few months is nothing.

There are support groups for recently divorced people. Maybe look for those. I’ve run into a couple ones on meetup. I was looking for a widow support group for a friend and saw one of those. There might be some by you.

True - a few months is not long, and I am grieving both issues you presented.

I would prefer not to join a support group for recently divorced. I don't want to hear anyone's sob story. I am trying to focus on positives in my life, vs loss and all the negatives.... it helps me to do this. It helps to keep me functioning at work and in my daily life and routines.

Got you. What I heard of those groups is completely opposite of sob stories. At least widows groups are this way. Divorced might be the same. People are rebuilding their lives by having fun and giving each other encouragement and positive ideas of moving on. It could be also an option of making friends with other newly single women outside of bar scene. I thought it was better option than those venues where you keep running into one awful person after another. But it’s just a suggestion of course. You’ll find your own ways.

Sell the jewelry, use the money to buy food for a local food pantry. Turn the awful reminders into something good for others. Giving to other people and the gratitude that comes from a selfless act is healing.

Divorce support groups are not people sitting around crying over the past. It isn't people kicking themselves and regretting their choices. It's people with a variety of backgrounds and circumstances taking healthy steps to move away from all that. It's people who accept that everyone struggles sometimes and needs the support of others with similar experiences to get through it.

There are women only divorce support groups. There are lots of women who join just to find activity partners who understand that divorce is painful and they need other women who understand that. Support meetings typically have a focus theme such as celebrating the holidays differently, how to vacation as a single person, managing finances and taxes, and a ton of other stuff divorced people need to learn to do on their own.

Try something new and different every day. It makes the passage of time that is needed to move forward more fun and more rewarding. New and different could be as simple as trying a new food, walking in a different park or trying a new yoga pose. The only thing you have to lose is old habits and reminders that need to change.

To answer your question, these are things that worked for me and many of the women in my divorce support group. Healing is a thousand tiny things that add up to big steps toward healthy.

“And what I am holding onto???? The hope that he will change and come back to me a new and changed man?”
“ This. Fantasy vs reality”

If you want to do the deep dive, there are videos that delve in to this concept. I find it helpful to understand the science behind the dysfunction.

Dr. Ramani has a course on healing from narcissistic abuse that is very good and inexpensive.

I’m in a similar place as you. I am trying to focus on seeing things realistically, myself too. There is a deep aching within for things to have been what we wanted them to be. How many of those idealized wishes were actual reality? When you look at the reality, you may feel better moving forward.

Thank you for the suggestions.

I don't know what I will do with the jewelry yet.

If I were to join a divorce support group, I would want it to be a narc abuse support group. This kind of relationship and loss is different than a normal relationship. I would want specialized support.

I have incorporated some new things into my routine. I don't know about trying something new every day. How does one come up with such ideas?

I like Dr. Ramani... I may look into that course.

Seeing reality vs fantasy is where it is at. I think that's the key to understanding and to possibly letting go.

It doesn’t have to be every day. But it could be a simple change. Like style your hair differently or eat different kind of breakfast you don’t normally eat or drive home from work on a different route. Nothing elaborate

Each day, ask yourself what will be new today in my life. It doesnt have to be something you keep in your life forever. It's about expanding your comfort zone. I can't really give you a list of things because I don't know you personally. Try a new salad dressing. Go out and skip wine with dinner, take the stairs if you would normally take an elevator, use a coupon if you normally don't.
I tried sushi and absolutely hated it! Never again. But I'm glad I tried it. I now have a funny story to share when someone suggests going out for sushi. I used a free sample of laundry detergent and liked it.

I'm VERY aware that narcissistic abuse is uniquely different. But, you specifically mentioned the no drama sob story need... Try a regular divorce support group. In my experience a general support group has very limited sob story and drama. Dealing with abuse comes with alot of difficult stories and a lot of
emotions. Every abuse/divorce hybrid group I've participated in has involved LOTS of story sharing. It's triggering and emotional for most people in some way.

Try different groups. It isn't a waste of time to try and decide it's not right. Waiting to deal with things or not trying are wastes of time. No one is going to force you to keep going to a support group you don't like. If you don't try them on, you won't know if they are a good fit. What do you have to lose by trying?

That's a great point about abuse support groups. I don't want to constantly feel triggered.

I can at least look into a divorce support group. I guess right now, I feel most or all of my energy is being put towards my new job, It's challenging and there's so much for me to learn. This makes it stressful. I come home, and all I want to do is lie down in my beanbag and relax.

I do like your idea of trying new things... that makes life more interesting and adventurous.

Thank you again for your suggestions and support.

If you have a safety deposit box, put all the jewelry into it and create a TODO task or a reminder for a year from now to revisit what you want to do with it. It is not an issue you need to deal with urgently.

Thank you. That's a good idea!

So, last night was the last big concert I had lined up for myself. I had bought tickets months ago. An old college friend joined me. And guess what happened? Of course, we ran into my ex husband - yet again! We were walking through a parking lot to go to the nearby brewery before the show. My ex was standing in the parking lot smoking a cigarette. We were about 30-50 feet away from him and walked within his line of vision, but this time, we did not catch eyes and we did not directly "see" each other.

So, that's the third concert where I've run into him... all within the last 2 months. It was tough, once again, to see him. UGH. But that's the last concert I have lined up for now. Hopefully, there will be fewer run ins over the next few months.

I felt pangs after seeing my ex. It’s hard to get over this.