My people pleaser friend lashed out at me for being honest with her today

The point is that the woman who perceived your texts as telling her that she was a horrible person also thinks, of you, that you are unaware of your behavior and how it affects her.

So she doesn’t make time for you, which you conclude means she doesn’t care for you. Why do you continue pursuing her and asking for more time and even confronting her if you believe she doesn’t care about you? Why do you want company of someone who doesn’t care for you? I’d move on and only hang out if she initiates (and of her own volition not because you told her so).

Not sure about priorities. For most adults friends aren’t top priority. Even if it’s the only friend. It’s unusual to have friends on the top of priority list. For youngsters yes. Not adults

What do you mean by that?

She used to make more time for me. Idk for sure if she is being less available interested or not now. All I know is that after we talked on the phone, everything was fine again & we’re goimg to lunch this Friday. She suggested going to lunch more often as she works where I live.

It’s funny how she didn’t suggest this before. And we’re going to that concert. I’ll let her contact me first from now on mist of the time & see what happens. Maybe she really is busier than normal.

People do prioritize the friends & people they really care about. Maybe some don’t. Maybe even trying to make new friends as an adult is pointless if this is how adults view friendships, as something that’s not that important to them.

It seems that if a friend doesn't behave as you expect them to, you assume that they are disrespecting you.

What if it is not actually disrespect?

It’s not all or nothing. The fact that many adults don’t priorice friends doesn’t mean they don’t care about friends or that they aren’t important.
It depends on which person we are talking about.
I priorice my closed family and some time for myself. But, friends are also important.

What else could it be then? I do expect them to do everything I want btw. I just expect to be treated with respect & like I matter to them.

Friendships are very important for many people. Friendships are very important for me, I have some very good girlfriends. But friendship is more than going out to concerts or restaurants, you can just have activity partners for that. You could be a good friend supporting your friends and being understanding of their needs and of them being busy or having issues and hardships. It’s more than just going out. It’s being there for people. It’s not being a good friend thinking of them as flaky or liars or selfish or people pleasers or disrespectful. If you feel this way about them, it doesn’t make you a good friend. It’s better to stop friendships like that

What I am trying to say that no matter how important friends are, most adults have jobs, household obligations, spouses, children, elderly parents, siblings etc etc they can’t possibly have outings with friends as a main priority. Just not a realistic expectation.

I am going to movies with two of my girlfriends this upcoming Sunday but after that I won’t be able to see them for quite a bit for ton of reasons-mostly work and family. Then it will slow down and I’ll see friends more. It doesn’t make me fake or a liar or not caring if I won’t see them for awhile

Two of my girlfriends aren’t married and have no kids and one has no family at all. But it doesn’t mean they have all this free time either. One is taking care of her elderly mom and her dog has been ill. The other one has ton of house projects and she helps her neighbor etc It’s good to have friends but your expectations of them are a little unusual. People have other things

No it’s not pointless to make friends. It’s just how you understand friendship and what it means to you and staying realistic of what others can do. If you have a lot of free time and just want someone to do things with, try social groups type of things.

I understand all of that. What irritates me yo desth as I said many times is that I’m often expected to listen to everyone, but most people don’t listen even bother to ask me how I’m doing.

That’s selfish. Most people I know just talk about themselves & their problems & I’m sick of being used as a free therapist.

Things tend to be one sided.,A few former friends literally didn’t want to hear me talk about my problems, but they expected me to listen to them talk about whatever they wanted. And they often repeated the same stories again & again!

It wasn’t fair to me at all. And I’m often expected to accommodate everyone else’s schedule usually.

In my friend group, everyone usually wants to get together no later than 1p.m. They rarely compromise on the time. They expect me to accommodate them sinve they’re all day people.

One lady refused to come to my birthday dinner because it was to ‘late’ for her to come at 5! And she refused to go to two of the first restaurants I picked! I didn’t complain about that though. I had to delay things to please her, ugh! So annoying!!!

Who does that? And then I had to sit outside or she couldn’t go to lunch!!! Ridiculous! See what I put up with?

I need more flexible accomdating friends who don’t try to make everything about them usually.

I made several statements. I do not know which of the statements your question refers to.

I’m reading this as a couple of different issues, you feel like people don’t make time for you being one and you feel like others don’t listen to you being another?

The time issue could just be a mismatched expectation around each of your needs, you wanting more time and them giving less. That’s something that either you can adjust expectations and accept less time is allocated to you or you can choose to seek different friends who have the same time expectations.

Not being listened to however is different, that’s pretty much a fundamental part of reciprocal friendships, I’m not sure why you find yourself in this situation over and over but I’m wondering if subconsciously you’re drawn to people who do this. What do you think?

You want to be treated with respect & like you matter to them. Everybody wants that.

This person isn’t treating you like that. For some reason, this is how they act. You are frustrating yourself “expecting” something from someone who does not give that to you.

It is causing you a lot of anxiety when you set yourself up for the waiting for a response from this friend. You don’t have to do that to yourself. That is having a boundary.

Since you know this friend gives you the stalling tactic you can; not ask her to do anything anymore, or ask other friends while she is thinking about it. Then when/if she finally responds to you, you can say someone else is going with you and she can join you both or not.

You can’t make her stop doing what she does. It is easier to acknowledge who she is and adjust yourself.

It’s hard to make friends especially as we get older. It’s hard for everyone. It’s not hard nowadays to find social groups to do things with but not to build friendships.

Most friendships take time especially as we age. Also most friendships develop authentically so to speak. Like common interests or something in common brings you together naturally-life style or personality etc

In your situations these mostly seem to be very random people who you have nothing in common with, whom you don’t even like much and who you want friendship and devotion after only few meetings with them. It just doesn’t work like that. Yes you could meet friends online but it takes time. Even if you met online or through social group you cannot expect immediate friendships. Friendships don’t develop that way.

In cases of accommodating others though-if you belong to a group of people who enjoy early day time activities, you either have to accommodate them or quit them all together. You are upset that you have to accommodate them but if you are the only one liking evening outings it’s only understandable.

As about them not listening. I am not sure what it is. It just seems like there’s nothing in common and no true connection with these people. Maybe it would develop over time but you got to give it time

I see your point. I’m not drawn to selfish people. They’re the ones who are drawn to me. I have bad luck with people usually. I don’t know why that is

OK, you have a point. Why would she use the stalling tactic all the time? It’s rude. Why not just say no instead? I won’t wait for her next time. Someone suggested I set a time limit & say I need an answer by this date. That’s a great idea.

You’re right about what you said. Maybe I trt to rush things & except to much right away whenever I think theres a chance at a decent friendship m. Loneliness messes with your head. It makes you irrational & crazy, lol.

I’ll try to be more reasonable from now on. I have a hard time finding good people who I can connect with. A lot of people out there truly are self absorbed. It’s all about what you can do for them it seems like.

My morning friends obviously don’t really want to make compromises. It’s worse when they feel like they can band together & pressure me to conform to whR they want & need.

Do you enjoy activities with your husband? It sounds like you are trying to fill a void with these friendships. Being in a bad marriage is very lonely. Hugs to you.

Lots of reasons were listed here earlier. Either it is an issue with her and has nothing to do with you, or she is putting you off because she has some issue with you. You could have an honest talk with her about it and ask her, but those conversations never go well IME.

I agree with you on many accounts Jesyka. It’s hard to find good people to hang out with. I don’t necessarily think that people are self absorbed though but rather that people have their lives. I agree with Tisha that being in a bad marriage and not liking company of one’s spouse is lonely. I don’t believe one needs to be attached to their spouse. It’s healthy to have your own life but it’s good to have that balance. Sadly not when you are in a bad marriage. It’s actually less lonely to be single. I hope this situation with your husband could improve

She did have that conversation and her friend got very upset. She was trying to explain that she’s busy but Jesyka believes it’s just an excuse. I think on paper it sounds like such conversations should happen but in reality it sounds like it’s a disaster every time.

I see this conversation with a romantic partner trying to figure out if he’s into you and why isn’t he more interested and maybe we should break up. I don’t envision such conversation with a friend.