My people pleaser friend lashed out at me for being honest with her today

jesyka · Aug 11, 2023 at 01:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Discombobulated

I’m going to weigh in here if it’s okay, I know that I personally can come across not quite in the way I intended sometimes. It’s not too uncommon, so if this is something that applies to you jesyka then you’re certainly not alone. There’s strategies to help and no shame or blame at all in it.

Thanks. How do you think you come across?

jesyka · Aug 11, 2023 at 01:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AzulOscuro

How do you know she has an avoidant personality?

I think it’s safe to assume that based on my observations & her reactions to things ar times.

Discombobulated · Aug 11, 2023 at 01:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jesyka

Thanks. How do you think you come across?

It’s quite complex to describe but I can be a little awkward, sometimes a little abrupt without meaning to. I can be quite focused on something in my mind (what I’m thinking about or doing in that moment) and miss a few of the niceties if that makes sense. Does that resonate at all?

Discombobulated · Aug 11, 2023 at 01:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jesyka

It’s better to be alone. I’m on the verge of giving up on everyone completely 100% for the rest of my life. I can’t keep getting disappointed all the time.

I’ve had moments like that, I understand.

I wrote this to you before, it’s okay to take a break, focus on self care. But you can improve your social interactions, don’t give up on that. This can be your chance to self nurture and grow.

TishaBuv · Aug 11, 2023 at 04:11 PM

Same for me about not coming across how I would like. The confrontations where I have to make a conscious effort to use “I” statements can easily degrade into door slamming. You are not alone.

AzulOscuro · Aug 12, 2023 at 07:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jesyka

I think it’s safe to assume that based on my observations & her reactions to things ar times.

People express themselves as their best but I, I , repeat, would elude to refer to people with terms that might seem medical such as avoidant personality, narcissistic, passive-aggressive personality for three reasons: We are not professionals, there are people here who have been professionally diagnosed with the accurate medical term and finally, we may lead to confusion.

AzulOscuro · Aug 12, 2023 at 08:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

Same for me about not coming across how I would like. The confrontations where I have to make a conscious effort to use “I” statements can easily degrade into door slamming. You are not alone.

Of course. each one of us, try our best and have our background in what social stuff regards. It’s not easy.
Try our best but mistakes are inevitable.
Then, models of communication viewed as we were kids are also there.
And cognitive distortions play also a big role.

I have been learning how to relate to people for my last 30 years and I needed psychologists to realise and process each social interaction and I learnt the hard work have to be done by yourself.

I have a book. I’m gonna give it a review, btw, about social skills. It was highly helpful for me. As a great discovering.

TishaBuv · Aug 12, 2023 at 09:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AzulOscuro

Of course. each one of us, try our best and have our background in what social stuff regards. It’s not easy.
Try our best but mistakes are inevitable.
Then, models of communication viewed as we were kids are also there.
And cognitive distortions play also a big role.

I have been learning how to relate to people for my last 30 years and I needed psychologists to realise and process each social interaction and I learnt the hard work have to be done by yourself.

I have a book. I’m gonna give it a review, btw, about social skills. It was highly helpful for me. As a great discovering.

Many of us learned bad ways of communicating growing up. I am trying to relearn so much in order to have better relationships.

These kind of confrontations where someone is being hurtful and we want better are a huge trigger to take us subconscious back to a child state that can easily lead to a meltdown/lashing out etc…

Fuzzybear · Aug 12, 2023 at 10:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

Many of us learned bad ways of communicating growing up. I am trying to relearn so much in order to have better relationships.

These kind of confrontations where someone is being hurtful and we want better are a huge trigger to take us subconscious back to a child state that can easily lead to a meltdown/lashing out etc…

Good post. I experienced (and still experience) the same.

A few people enjoy triggering others.

jesyka · Aug 13, 2023 at 01:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Discombobulated

It’s quite complex to describe but I can be a little awkward, sometimes a little abrupt without meaning to. I can be quite focused on something in my mind (what I’m thinking about or doing in that moment) and miss a few of the niceties if that makes sense. Does that resonate at all?

Sort of.

jesyka · Aug 13, 2023 at 01:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Discombobulated

I’ve had moments like that, I understand.

I wrote this to you before, it’s okay to take a break, focus on self care. But you can improve your social interactions, don’t give up on that. This can be your chance to self nurture and grow.

Idk, I honestly can’t handle anymore rejection. I’m obviously doing something wrong and/or I have the worst luck with most people

jesyka · Aug 13, 2023 at 01:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AzulOscuro

Of course. each one of us, try our best and have our background in what social stuff regards. It’s not easy.
Try our best but mistakes are inevitable.
Then, models of communication viewed as we were kids are also there.
And cognitive distortions play also a big role.

I have been learning how to relate to people for my last 30 years and I needed psychologists to realise and process each social interaction and I learnt the hard work have to be done by yourself.

I have a book. I’m gonna give it a review, btw, about social skills. It was highly helpful for me. As a great discovering.

Good for you. Therapy never did me any good at all. I wasted thousands of dollars for nothing.

I’m probably a lost cause. I’m certain that I’m going to give up on even trying to talk to people anymore 100%. Maybe even online too.

I’m a failure & most people obviously dislike me & think that I’m weird, crazy & stupid.

The only people who are interested in associating with me are usually selfish user types who only seem to want someone to use as a free therapist, ugh!

I’m not likeable & most people just don’t like me period no matter what I do or don’t do. Even on here people think I’m stupid & weird.

I give up, this is way to hard I’m sick of ‘working’ not getting paid for anything.

jesyka · Aug 13, 2023 at 02:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

Good post. I experienced (and still experience) the same.

A few people enjoy triggering others.

True. People like that suck.

TishaBuv · Aug 13, 2023 at 04:47 PM

FWIW, I don’t find you weird, crazy & stupid.. I think most of us here are all trying to improve relationships and healthier ways. I thought this was a good discussion with lots of ideas and different ways to look at communication. Hang in there. I think you are brave to talk about these struggles.

AzulOscuro · Aug 13, 2023 at 05:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jesyka

Good for you. Therapy never did me any good at all. I wasted thousands of dollars for nothing.

I’m probably a lost cause. I’m certain that I’m going to give up on even trying to talk to people anymore 100%. Maybe even online too.

I’m a failure & most people obviously dislike me & think that I’m weird, crazy & stupid.

The only people who are interested in associating with me are usually selfish user types who only seem to want someone to use as a free therapist, ugh!

I’m not likeable & most people just don’t like me period no matter what I do or don’t do. Even on here people think I’m stupid & weird.

I give up, this is way to hard I’m sick of ‘working’ not getting paid for anything.

Now, you are avoiding.
I could refute each one of the points you brought up in this last post you wrote. You’re not gonna believe me but this is how I see it.
For example; Some people using you as a free psychologist.
I see it the other way around. Some people see you empathic, a person who thinks and is familiar with these issues, especially psychological ones so they tend to find this warmth and comprehension to open them up to you.
Of course, this is a double edged sword, because you need your own space and rest from all this stuff and have fun.

AzulOscuro · Aug 13, 2023 at 05:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jesyka

True. People like that suck.

But we can get the best of these people. Everyone triggers others and this may be used as an advantage. An opportunity to know ourselves better.
Why I feel triggered by that or such person? that or such act? What does it have to do with me? Did (s)he touch a sensible point, a pending issue in myself?
I’m not saying we must put up with anything or take in whatever. No, I’m not. Sometimes responsibility is equal in both parties. I mean…I may feel triggered because of something within myself but sometimes the other person behaves in a way that also say a lot about themselves.
Again, relationship aren’t easy but only we can change is ourselves.

I’m talking in general about an opportunity to learn and be better ourselves and be comfortable with how we are.

Sorry for my mistakes in English, girls, Fuzzy and Jesyka.

divine1966 · Aug 13, 2023 at 05:57 PM

Stupid, crazy and weird people wouldn’t be posting questions about various situations, ansking for suggestions and discussing different ways to handle life. Most certainly you, Jesyka, are none of those things

Discombobulated · Aug 14, 2023 at 07:08 AM

I certainly don’t see you in that way. But I wonder who called you those things growing up because it’s often an echo of our past when we feel those things about ourselves. I speak from experience here.

I agree with Azul. If people thought you were weird or stupid why would they confide in you? Most people have to feel a bond or a rapport with someone to open up to them.

I also agree if people don’t respect our boundaries (or we don’t make them clear) it can be exhausting.

AzulOscuro · Aug 14, 2023 at 09:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Discombobulated

I certainly don’t see you in that way. But I wonder who called you those things growing up because it’s often an echo of our past when we feel those things about ourselves. I speak from experience here.

I agree with Azul. If people thought you were weird or stupid why would they confide in you? Most people have to feel a bond or a rapport with someone to open up to them.

I also agree if people don’t respect our boundaries (or we don’t make them clear) it can be exhausting.

I have told myself these same things so many times.

Fuzzybear · Aug 14, 2023 at 10:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Discombobulated

I certainly don’t see you in that way. But I wonder who called you those things growing up because it’s often an echo of our past when we feel those things about ourselves. I speak from experience here.

I agree with Azul. If people thought you were weird or stupid why would they confide in you? Most people have to feel a bond or a rapport with someone to open up to them.

I also agree if people don’t respect our boundaries (or we don’t make them clear) it can be exhausting.

Good post, I agree

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TishaBuv Legendary Member Since Dec 2014 Location: USA Posts: 10,258 (SuperPoster!) 9 1,879 hugs given	Aug 11, 2023 at 04:11 PM #85 Same for me about not coming across how I would like. The confrontations where I have to make a conscious effort to use “I” statements can easily degrade into door slamming. You are not alone. __________________ "And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!" . About Me--T
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divine1966 Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Dec 2014 Location: US Posts: 22,503 (SuperPoster!) 9 1,279 hugs given	Aug 13, 2023 at 05:57 PM #97 Stupid, crazy and weird people wouldn’t be posting questions about various situations, ansking for suggestions and discussing different ways to handle life. Most certainly you, Jesyka, are none of those things
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