Feeling stuck after being dumped

Apologies in advance for what is going to just be me aimlessly rambling. I'm new to the forum and reading some of the threads here makes me feel more pathetic because it's clear that some people here have had far greater issues like SA and toxic partners. I just got dumped. It's my first relationship so it might just seem like puppy love.

My life is really messy, it's full of lies that I've told everyone around me, never being fully open about my circumstances to anyone out of shame. I keep getting in this cycle of trying to do something with my life but then inevitably giving up because it's just easier. Recently I've been trying to get out of this rut I'm in. I have so much fear and anxiety because I really don't know what's going to happen in the long term but I've been trying to tell myself that it's ok, let's take it one step at a time. I'm worth something and I'm not a piece of ****. Things will eventually be ok, as long as I try to work and move forward today.

But this break up just hit me hard. I don't know what to do or how to move forward. I can't talk to anyone because no one knows my whole situation. I'm currently back with family and they don't even know I was dating. They would not have approved because of cultural reasons.

I'm scared, hurt, and lost.

Hi.

Don't know if this will help, but I think it is easy to lose perspective about oneself, especially after a break-up. This has happened to me before.

We all have little imperfections, flaws and weaknesses and things we perhaps regret or mourn and things we dread happening in the future.
I think it can be helpful sometimes to take a step back and take long view of things.

Taking the long view, I know that there have been some people in the last 100 years who have had huge imperfections, weaknesses and flaws and done terrible things. Just one example would be Adolf Hitler who caused the destruction of tens of millions of men, women and children through a campaign of genocide. Other people come to mind as well: Stalin, Mao, Pol Pot and others.

Now I know some of things you mention as negative about yourself. But I also know that you have not destroyed the lives of 10,000,000 people, or 1,000,000, or 100,000, or 10,000, or 1,000 or a 100; so taking the long view and trying to keep things in perspective, I think you are far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far away from being someone like Hitler. So please do not be too hard on yourself.

I mention this because we all have a tendency to feel guilty about things and even mentally beat ourselves up over things. But most human weaknesses, more human flaws, most human mistakes do not result in the destruction of millions of people. Therefore I think it helps to step back and not be so hard on ourselves. Exercise moderation, so to speak.

A girl I knew who suffered a romantic rejection and some poor grades in school told me that she was a terrible person, so I tried to give her some perspective on what "terrible" really is.

Concerning the future, I, of course, have no way of knowing your future. But I very serious doubt whether you are going to become someone like Hitler or Stalin. So perhaps it might be helpful to you in some way to set some boundaries on your anxiety if you are able.

Taking things one step at a time, like you mentioned, is a great idea..

Sometimes the greatest things a human can do are not related to economics and relationships. We are not infinite, all-powerful, all-knowing, all-perfect beings. We have little three- pound brains and they do the best they can for us. And they work for us even when we are sleeping. So I don't know if it is good idea to beat one's brain up over things, metaphorically speaking.

Its not like our brain wakes up some morning and says to itself: Today I plan on making a horrible mistake. Generally our brains are always doing their best for us given everything influencing them.

One thing, I think, one can do regardless of one's circumstances is to do a little good in the world. It doesn't have to be some newsworthy feat of heroism. One can give some breadcrumbs to some hungry ants or feed some birds. I know a homeless lady who gives some of the money she begs to charity. Sometimes a little act of goodness is greater than all the worldly success in the world.

You may not have thought about it, but you posting your story will help all the people that follow these Forums. Many will be made to feel not so alone with their own personal distress. And that is a great thing. Lighting a little candle in the darkness sometimes even saves a person's life. But even helping one person to get through another day by sharing your true story is a kind of noble heroism in itself. So I am glad you shared your story.

I did not have a happy relationship with someone until I was in my mid 40s, so life has good surprises and not just bad ones.

These little boxes psychologists places people in, I am not so sure how helpful that always is. A concept should be a window not a box. I know a lot of concepts formerly used by moralists have now been taken over by the social sciences and given technical names. I think it remains to be seen how productive that will turn out to be in the long run.

A label is always a simplification of a deep, rich and complex reality. A label is like a map of a forest. It has its uses but it is not the forest itself. The forest is almost infinitely greater than any map: whether it is a trail map, geological map, topographical map, tourist map, botony map and so on.

In your first post you mentioned that you are this and that according to the jargon of psychology. No disrespect to psychology but I would take all that with a grain of salt. You are so much more than anything a label could put in a box. You would burst the box apart and some labels are actually an impoverishment of reality, simple to the point of misrepresentation.

A lot of us were taught from childhood that we could only really love ourselves if someone else did. When someone loves us, it gives us permission to love ourselves. Being rejected for whatever reason can make us feel a strange kind of alone, a guilty kind of alone, a scary kind of alone. Hopefully you will be able bounce back from your loss. It can take time.

Maybe I am wrong about everything I have written here. I am often wrong about things.

I wish I knew what to say to help you as you move forward, but sadly I am at a loss. Hopefully others here will have better words for you today than my poor words.

I am rooting for you!

Thank you for your kind words. I found myself resonating with all of what you said. I know that I am not truly a terrible person and that I am worth something to this world; however, there is always a difference between knowing and feeling. At this time, I am trying my best to feel what I know to be true, I haven't been successful yet.

I agree with what you said about psychology, I use that to try and make sense of who I am to myself and others. However, the resulting conversations and solutions always feel reductive, never truly considering who I am.


I am grateful you took the time to write this for me and are rooting for me.

Did you love the person who dumped you? Do you now? Or was it just your first attempt at dating that went awry and you are now experiencing shame and disappointment? Or is it a question you cannot answer because you have not yet figured out what love is?

Being dumped by the first romantic partner must be a scary experience that can send you in a cycle of despair and self-loathing. It is important for you to realize that on the spectrum of "unsuccesses", this is towards the more severe range, that it will continue to hurt for a long time and that how you work through it now may determine your fate in dating for years if not decades to come. So, it is all very important. I am glad you came here and trust that you will receive adequate support and advice. Do not compare your misfortune to that of others by way of saying that yours is minor because you were not abused as a child and did not have to put up with a toxic partner.

If you actually loved/love your former romantic partner, there is a lot to be said for finding solace in poetry now as unrequited love is such a big topic that has been portrayed well and you very well may find poems that will resonate with you and soothe your hurt soul.

To be honest, I'm not sure if I have a clear answer to your questions about my feelings for her. I believe I loved her and still do. With that said, do I know exactly what love feels like? I don't know. I know that my appetite has significantly decreased, I am also feeling something akin to anxiety attacks every now and again. I have been feeling physical pain since I've known that things were going wrong.

I genuinely wish the best for her and, during the time we were together, I had promised myself that I would end things if my internal demons and personal issues were to ever affect her. Because, I believed her happiness meant more than our relationship. Similarly, I wanted to prioritize my life goals over the relationship as well, so if I ever felt that being with her was holding me back, I had told myself I would end things. I don't know if I put that into practice because while she didn't hold me back from working on myself (I did the holding back on my own), I did often use my time with her as one of my distractions from my responsibilities without informing her. With that said, I have never really believed she was my "one true love" because I had always envisioned this relationship ending at some point. Partly because of my dishonesty, partly because of how I knew that at some point I would not be able to make time for her. Much of the pain comes from how I didn't think or feel that we reached that point yet.

Right now, I am a student in a program. I am really not doing well academically. I am not sure if I can continue and even if I do, I do not have a full understanding of the financial implications that continuing has for me other than I will be placed into a large amount of debt. She does not know much of this, I have hinted at my financial difficulties but she doesn't know anything else. The fear of what to do with my future has me being indecisive and stagnant but I took some solace in the fact that I had a relationship. Almost as if a way to tell myself that, I am not a complete screw up and that, even I deserved love. I know that it was not right to place my self worth on someone else, especially someone I was being dishonest to. It was not fair to her and it was unhealthy of me. But now losing her, just seems like the icing on top of the cake. While I am trying to build myself up, it's almost like a message saying "you're not worth it".

I am trying to find a way to respect myself again. A way to get strength to face the future, no matter how scary it is. And I wish her nothing but happiness. One of the things I am trying is just talking about what I'm feeling in this community and hoping I'll find what I'm looking for.

I am not too familiar with poetry, I am not someone who considers themselves a lover of literature. Do you have any work, author, or book that you would recommend?

Not for your situation, no. Honestly, I think it is good that the relationship ended and you just need to overcome the feeling that you are not a worthy person because of it.