Should I tell my picky friends that I’m upset with them or not?

Are you going to enjoy the birthday lunch with them?

I don’t think they are being unfair to you by not giving you what you want, when they do not want it. They don’t owe you that.

If you have a few friends to celebrate with, appreciate that for what it is. Without them, what would you otherwise do to celebrate your birthday?

This. You've called these people picky and lazy. Why should they want to celebrate the birthday of someone who judges and disrespects them? What do you bring to the friendship?

@jesyka,

I have a different viewpoint than others. I totally understand how you feel and your points and upset at these women are valid. It IS YOUR birthday after all, and I personally feel that friends in that case should accommodate the person celebrating their birthday, vs the other way around! I would be very annoyed too with this situation. Why should you be bending over backwards to meet every one of their needs. I agree - what you want matters too, and should matter.

Your husband certainly is sexist. And you are not overreacting. I would have said something to these women, but that's how I am. I confront issues and am very forthcoming when I am upset. I don't let things slide.

Happy birthday, btw. I hope you can work this out so that you can enjoy it!

Your birthday was July 4th. Almost two months ago. At this point I’d probably not be interested in massive celebrations. For the next year if you want to have a birthday party at the restaurant, tell them they are invited at this day and time and need to rsvp by whatever date. Who will be able to attend that’s who you’ll celebrate with. No need to keep changing venues.

But you also have to think what’s your priority, if you like these people then is it more important to go out late at night and far or is it more important to have good time with your friends.

I do wonder why going out earlier or seeing movies earlier is unacceptable for you. What do you do during the day that makes you unavailable until later?

And I agree with others in the light of being unable to pay mortgage and possibly losing a house restaurants and movies isn’t a priority. Also with the price of gas I’d prefer closer venue (if I had no money for mortgage). And I’d be very upset with my husband if I couldn’t pay mortgage, he wasn’t working but wanted to drive places for birthday and other dinner outings. You have to put things into perspective

I reread your post explaining ladies reasonings

You pick expensive restaurant. This lady is frugal. She has rights to be frugal and unless you are paying for their meals don’t invite them to expensive restaurants. Wanting cheaper venues makes total sense.

Restaurant is noisy and they don’t like it but you say they go to concerts. You go to concerts to listen to loud music. You don’t go to converse. Restaurants are for conversing while eat.

Being afraid to drive in the dark is valid. Late 50s is when you start developing cataracts and it’s blurry. Yes it’s light at 5, but might be dark when you go home.

If they have health issues and families and possibly still work, wanting to take it easy on the weekends is reasonable.

Now should they sometimes do things your way? Probably. But some things just don’t need to be compromised. Like driving in the dark or wasting money if people aren’t well off. You can’t ask for that compromise.

I would go with their choices regarding everything except for sitting outside. it is impossibly hot now. You should sit inside. It would be reasonable to me to insist on one thing going your way but yielding to them concerning all the rest.

Agree. If you live in a hot area or have other health conditions, sitting outside is a bad idea. But then again I have immunocompromised friend. Until recently she wouldn’t eat inside out of fear of covid. I had no problem to accommodate and sit outside until winter hits. I think again it depends what matters most. She is important to me. What and where to eat is not.

Accessibility matters are important.

Of course. But it all depends on the situation. And good friend wouldn’t ask anyone to eat in 100 degrees heat. It just seems that emphasis is on mundane things like restaurants or movies. But it’s just not that important. You can be good friends and never eat out or see movies

I’ll try. My point is that I shouldn’t have had to go through so much trouble to choose a restaurant to begin with.

And to not even want to drive half an hour away to the restaurant of my choice isn’t good either. As I said, every single thing HAS to be on THEIR terms which isn’t fair. Especially for MY birthday. They are all able to drive. They’re not disabled.

I’d personally suck it up for their birthday. I would not complain & insist that we go to dinner if they wanted to meet for brunch for example. I wouldn’t be like, no, I
don’t like .getting up early, do I can only meet you for dinner as that is more convenient for ME.

Does that makes sense now? It’s not fair to how they make everything about them & their needs.

And I wouldn’t complain about the restaurant & insisting that we need to go somewhere else because Ithe food didn’t look appealing to me. I’m not talking about dietary restrictions or not being able to eat anything there period.

That one lady who didn’t want to go to a Japanese place thought that only raw food would be available there. I told her thats not the case. She still insisted on going elsewhere.

They should compromise a little bit. I don’t think they’d like it if I gave them a hard time about things.

I think I’m the case of the Japanese restaurant it’s a shame the lady didn’t give it a try, she might have liked it, and I say that as a person who is stuck in their ways myself.

That said, I wonder if this is really at its core about you realising you’re incompatible with these women?

How do you really feel about them other than this issue about venue and time? Do you feel happy in their company and have positive feelings about them?

Thanks. I appreciate you understanding my POV. Yes, my husband is sexist. I don’t understand why most people think that I’m the problem.

IF I did this to them & insisted on going to dinner instead of brunch for example because it’s more convenient for me, I don’t think they’d appreciate that, lol.

I think I’ll be a pain in the butt for their birthday next time to all if them & be picky about the restaurant they choose to see how they like it. I’m not a passive aggressive person usually, but they need to see what it feels like.

Since I can’t be direct without offending thrm it seems like, what choice do I have? My attempts to communicate with them openly was seen as ‘scolding’ by one poster on here. Apparently a lot of people have a problem with honesty, ugh!

It’s like everyone expects me to be a doormat, that everything I say & do is wrong almost & that I should be grateful that anyone would even talk to me at all, ugh!

Yeah, she shouldn’t have been so rigid. Unfortunately she is set in her ways. She doesn’t like change. She’d be content with going to the same places all the time. She likes her routines.

They’re OK aside from being rigid & unwilling to yry nee places & things.

They also always want to do everything in a grouo & not one on one. One thing that really bugs me too is that they are extremely pushy & disrespectful of my boundaries when it comes to literally begging me to be in group pics. I have said no to them a million times put they push & push.

I regret letting them get sway with harassing me into takimg grouo pics. I HATE having my oic tsken. I always look horrible in pics. I’m fat & I don’t know how to pose,

I don’t understand why they want me to ne in their stupid pics all the time. It’s excessive. They’d take pics of us everytime we meet if I didn’t say no. They usually try to harass me for pics each time. It’s not as nad as it used to ne. They’re like annoying teenagers that way, ugh.

I sm kind of incompatible with themx We do like some of the same things, but I’m to different from all of them to ever be good friends with any of them.

They’re all to rigid & unadventurous for me. And theyreway to obsessed with calories & fitness. I amways glfeel judged for being the only person in the group who orders a hearty dish or finishing everything on my plate m. They pick at their food & take home half of what they eat.

I’m sick of hearing them talk about calories m, fat, how they ate ‘to much’, how they shouldn’t eat dessert m, even on their birthday. Ugh! To much! Major buzzkill vibes!

Sadly, it’s extremely difficult for me to make friends, so I’m stuck. I tend to attract flakes & people who ate bery self absorbed.

I did meet dome nee people yesterday when a long time friend introduced me to some of her friends. I met her ex who is cool, a couple friend & an older lady at a picnic. We thrn went to sn art & eine festivsl then out to dinner. I’m seeing a movie eith her & her ex later. It’s movie discount day here for $4.

I asked her to make the introduction to her friends. She’s the nicest most normsl friend I’ve had in years. We’re not close though. So maybe that’s why she never introduced me to more than teo people before.

She did tell me that most of her friends are particular.

The time isn’t the issue, it’s the pickiness & the selfishness that is bothering me. As I stated earlier, if it was their birthday & they wanted to go to brunch at a diner, I wouldn’t say, oh, I hate diners & I don’t like getting up early, so let’s go to dinner instead. That would be rude of me to do that.

And driving half an hour sway to a place ONCE a year shouldn’t be a big deal to these women. They’re not didabled & they all can drive.

I’d suck it up. And I did once. This place one lady chose sucked. I didn’t complain & I went thete early anyways. It was HER birthday after all. See what I’m getting at here? They should make compromises for MY birthday too. Especially since I did it for them.

As for expenses, I see your point. I’m not going to stsy home & not spend anything though ad that’d make me to depressed.

I don’t go to crazy. I’m not going to 5 star restaurants every weekend, lol. I go to matinees to where the price of a ticket is $7.50 once a month. Saving that much a month isn’t going to get us out of debt btw.

I think of it as ‘cheap therapy’, lol

The restaurant that I chose wasn’t that expensive. And it wasn’t that far away. And it’s not noisy.

I compromised with the time. I didn’t appreciate having to choose 3 or 4 restaurants before they agreed to go to one.

I almost gave up on celebrating my birthday because I was annoyed at how picky everyone was being. Everything HAD to be done to THEIR liking. Right down to sitting outside when they lnow I hate sitting outside when it’s hot. This is why I’m upset. They did NOT take MY needs into consideration at all.

The problem is that I have to say yes or I’ll look bad due to a health issue with one lady. Honestly, I think she’s exaggerating things to get her way though. I can’t prove anything.

I’ll definitely insist on sitting on the shade today & if they ***** about things, I’ll remind them that I already did enough for them maybe. I definitely will not sit in the hot sun today, lol 😆 I will not let them dictate everything, lol 😆

I’d feel hurt, too, if my friends didn’t want to do anything I wanted on my birthday. I agree with you that they should compromise some things because you are good friends. IME, though, I don’t think anyone ever was willing to do much of that. I don’t have much luck with changing anyone’s mind once they say they don’t want to do something. The confrontation just causes bad feelings and a worse relationship or no more relationship.

I’m sorry you feel you are stuck with these friends who you don’t like much. I hope the new ones are better. Maybe you will see them on your birthday instead.

I do agree with some things you said but eating in certain restaurants or going out late or drive farther or explore new meals or even celebrate birthdays are NOT needs. These are WANTS.

How did it go, Jesyka? were you able to find shade?

You are correct in thinking that if you were this picky for their birthday's, they would not appreciate it.

On the flip side, yes it's thoughtful to change the restaurant once because the chosen one is too above someone's budget. And that's where you can accommodate.

But to have to accommodate and bend to every wish of each person in the group? It is too much, and I agree with you, @jesyka.

Then I think you said one or two women cancelled because they did not like the choice, is that correct? And then once you changed the restaurant,. they said they could join again? Is that right?

I would be super annoyed with this group if it were me.

Do you enjoy their friendship otherwise?