[ZenZeta]

I've been at my new position for about a month, and I'm still struggling with finding a balance. I honestly don't think my recent ASD-1 Diagnosis has anything to do with it in the long run.

Incidentally, deal with it or quit isn't really helpful. I like the work and I need to pay my bills, so quitting isn't an option. I'm asking for tips here.

I've learned that my manager is REALLY extrAverted and is pretty focused on getting the entire team to bend to her will.

For instance, I'm getting feedback such as:

"ZenZeta" I didn't see you on the virtual brewery tour today (an optional call)

"ZenZeta", I see you didn't respond to the pictures coworker x sent of her vacation. " (this was sent to my personal phone on a weekend. I didn't open the text)

"ZenZeta", you should really try to bond with your team mates more. I'm going to put you on a 1:1 call to get to know each other...

I'm really trying, but this is SO exhausting. I have two people that I can say are true "friends", and I don't really talk to them that much. I value organic, authentic relationships and being forced to like someone I barely know is tough.

I think our definition of "team player" is different. If someone on the team needs help meeting a deadline or cranking out some work, I'm 100% there. I don't see value in being besties with my work colleagues. My bestie has four legs and a tail because she DOES. NOT. TALK.....

I'm taking what I can on the chin, but should I try to approach my manager and explain a bit more about how hard her forced dynamic is for me or just let it go.

BTW... I'm still getting up super early and working super late and on weekends so I can get work done when it's QUIET!!!!

Help!!!

[AzulOscuro]

ZenZeta,
Could you tell me what does ASD stand for?

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by AzulOscuro

ZenZeta,
Could you tell me what does ASD stand for?

Autism Spectrum Disorder, she was recently diagnosed

[AzulOscuro]

ZenZeta,
I understand you questioning about saying the diagnosis to your boss. I would also doubt it. In an ideal world, talking straight to your boss would be the best and you could be much more comfortable if (s)he understands but I’m not sure whether people in general is ready.
From what you describe, your participation is more than enough.

On my second year of working as a teacher I found a very understanding principal and I dared to tell him. It ended it up being so helpful and liberating. So much that I ended it up being friend with him and my other coworkers.

How do you see her or him in this sense?

[AzulOscuro]

Hi, again!
Or maybe, tell the team coordinator instead if you see him/her more empathic.

I can’t be of much help because working in a group has been always very difficult for me. It’s not that I don’t put my effort. It’s more about my own insecurities. Simply I couldn’t picture myself as one more among them. 🥲

Hope someone can give you some insight.

Congratulation for the work you are doing, even in your group. I give you much credit for this.

***I also prefer four-legged beings company. ;-)

[divine1966]

Zeta honestly I don’t think it’s extraverted/introvert issues but something is about this company and this particular boss.

I am not an introvert but unless I am an actual friend with a coworker I have zero reasons to comment on vacation pics or do weird zoom brewery. “Team player” definition doesn’t include all these things. “Team player” term is related to work tasks not social activities.

You could either just ignore it or tell your boss that you are a private person and find these type of activities difficult to handle. There’s no particular need to disclose your diagnosis (unless you want actual accommodations). I don’t have any diagnosis but I am not interested in any of the things you described.

You do not need to do any of these things as they have nothing to do with work obligations

[WovenGalaxy]

Your boss's comments sound frustrating and to be honest, intrusive. If you weren't informed of any kind of policy at the interview or any other time about being besties at work (and outside of work, lol, her comment to you about you not commenting on a coworker's pictures in ridiculous), then it's not required and she needs to lay off. It seems like she is pressuring you to be a certain type of person. This is uncool. She honestly has probably no idea she's being rude and inappropriate, but it's still not ok with you, and that's what matters. That being said, you're right you need tools to deal with this. I personally don't think you need to say anything about diagnosis, but you are absolutely in your right, and it could also help, to set a boundary with her in a civil way and / or explain to her that being social in this way outside of work is not something that you are made for. I wouldn't say to her "it doesn't interest me," even though it doesn't. Because it will make you sound rude yourself. JMO. You could say something like "I'm not comfortable interacting in the way you are telling me you want me to interact." You could also come from a place of curiosity. "I noticed that you've mentioned these things to me about interacting more with my coworkers. Why?" Just be prepared for what you think she might say. If she says "I'm just trying to help," you could say "thanks, but I don't need / or want help in that way."


Looking at her comments, she does sound like an extrovert, and one who is well meaning and it's coming across as patronizing. I'm annoyed for you.


You asked for coping tools. Is there something you have in mind? Do you mean communication tools? or other emotional coping tools?

[Tart Cherry Jam]

I do not think disclosing the dx is called for. Calling yourself a really private person as has been advised above, or an introvert, or just a quiet person should do the trick.

[ZenZeta]

Thanks for all the responses everyone.

I did attempt to have a 1:1 meeting with my manager (which is hard because she dominates the meeting with small talk) and explain that I am a private person that believes in authentic, genuine relationships, and that I am challenged by feeling "forced" to connect with coworkers I don't really know.

I reminded her that I have only been with the team for a month and that I am willing to PROFESSIONALLY get to know my co-workers but may never "bond" with them on a personal level. I don't "bond" outside of work either.

I'm not sure if I was heard or not, but I am already starting to look for something else (sadly). The whole "cultural" fit is coming into play and she stated that

"At the end of the day, being liked is better than being efficient".

I may have to go back to free lancing (and figure out the health insurance piece). I just can't deal with this type of pressure. Sigh....

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by ZenZeta

Thanks for all the responses everyone.

I did attempt to have a 1:1 meeting with my manager (which is hard because she dominates the meeting with small talk) and explain that I am a private person that believes in authentic, genuine relationships, and that I am challenged by feeling "forced" to connect with coworkers I don't really know.

I reminded her that I have only been with the team for a month and that I am willing to PROFESSIONALLY get to know my co-workers but may never "bond" with them on a personal level. I don't "bond" outside of work either.

I'm not sure if I was heard or not, but I am already starting to look for something else (sadly). The whole "cultural" fit is coming into play and she stated that

"At the end of the day, being liked is better than being efficient".

I may have to go back to free lancing (and figure out the health insurance piece). I just can't deal with this type of pressure. Sigh....

It’s such a shame that people are expected to socialize with coworkers like it’s in a job description

[Molinit]

Originally Posted by ZenZeta

Thanks for all the responses everyone.

I did attempt to have a 1:1 meeting with my manager (which is hard because she dominates the meeting with small talk) and explain that I am a private person that believes in authentic, genuine relationships, and that I am challenged by feeling "forced" to connect with coworkers I don't really know.

I reminded her that I have only been with the team for a month and that I am willing to PROFESSIONALLY get to know my co-workers but may never "bond" with them on a personal level. I don't "bond" outside of work either.

I'm not sure if I was heard or not, but I am already starting to look for something else (sadly). The whole "cultural" fit is coming into play and she stated that

"At the end of the day, being liked is better than being efficient".

I may have to go back to free lancing (and figure out the health insurance piece). I just can't deal with this type of pressure. Sigh....

What a disappointing response to valid points. Unfortunately, because what these people are asking you to be is well beyond what a normal job entails and they are essentially saying they value you putting on a "fake" persona rather than having a professional work-focused employee, this is probably going to end up with you finding a position elsewhere or adopting the fake social butterfly role in order to fit in/have any success moving around within the company.

I've been in this position before - it's hard. Once my boss actually "required" me to go on a department canoe trip for a day (a Saturday, not a day we worked). and I left the job shortly after that because it was clear that wouldn't be the last non-work activity they would demand of me.

[AzulOscuro]

I’m sorry you didn’t get an active response.
I don’t understand the manager, to be honest, you were direct, polite and didn’t ask for anything out of this world.

[WovenGalaxy]

Maybe this is the wrong fitting job for you but not all jobs are like this. Im sorry that it seems to be what this manager has turned out to expect.
Fwiw, you could ask about the work culture in your next interviews and get specific. It could help weed out the wrong fits. I understand it's discouraging. There is hope though for something better.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Molinit

What a disappointing response to valid points. Unfortunately, because what these people are asking you to be is well beyond what a normal job entails and they are essentially saying they value you putting on a "fake" persona rather than having a professional work-focused employee, this is probably going to end up with you finding a position elsewhere or adopting the fake social butterfly role in order to fit in/have any success moving around within the company.

I've been in this position before - it's hard. Once my boss actually "required" me to go on a department canoe trip for a day (a Saturday, not a day we worked). and I left the job shortly after that because it was clear that wouldn't be the last non-work activity they would demand of me.

Canoe trip??? That would push me over the edge. I don’t do canoes. I can’t believe this!

Honestly in my experience, people who are that engaged in social life at work are the worst employees

[Molinit]

Yes, for a whole day I was in a 2-person canoe going down the Suwannee River. And my boss had the nerve to ask “wasn’t that fun” at the end. I didn’t even answer, got into my car and left.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Molinit

Yes, for a whole day I was in a 2-person canoe going down the Suwannee River. And my boss had the nerve to ask “wasn’t that fun” at the end. I didn’t even answer, got into my car and left.

You are better person than me. No way. Maybe if they paid me a hefty sum lol

[eskielover]

Originally Posted by Molinit

Yes, for a whole day I was in a 2-person canoe going down the Suwannee River. And my boss had the nerve to ask “wasn’t that fun” at the end. I didn’t even answer, got into my car and left.

Oh wow, I would have enjoyed a day like that

[Revenge Tour]

Ugh. I feel your pain.

A few years ago I worked for another group and they were big on these "team building" events. You know, forced participation and forced enjoyment. I never did like those. I'm an introvert by nature and I keep my circle small. When these bigger groups get together, it seems like it turns into a popularity contest and who can one-up who.

I go to a job to work, get paid and get home to my family. If I make some dear friends along the way (and I have), bonus. I'm just too old for the political shenanigans and being treated like a teenager.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by eskielover

Oh wow, I would have enjoyed a day like that

The point wasn’t necessarily that it was not enjoyable but that it was pretty much mandated by employer on a day off. I am sure many people enjoy canoeing but it doesn’t mean it must be done on a day off with coworkers and when it isn’t really a choice. It’s highly inappropriate.

[Tart Cherry Jam]

The manager is crazy when she says that being efficient is less important. Her ideas about what constitutes a healthy work culture are bizarre.