So called friends ignored me after I set boundaries. I finally cut them out

Absolutely good friends wouldn’t have wanted you to feel uncomfortable at all regarding the photographs, it sounds like you spent time with these women but didn’t have a true connection.

I think when we have a true connection people listen and take note first time you say something- that’s how I experience it anyway. True connections are more difficult to find but they are possible with perseverance, it’s good not to give up and to seek new friendships on your wavelength.

You’re right about everything. I rarely got asked aboit mysrlf or how I was doing. They were just activivity friends. I recently started hanging around two other new ladies who I connect with more one on one.

I don’t think these people were real and actual friends. Sounds more like activity group (or perhaps they are friends with each other but not with you). Real friends don’t act that way. You didn’t like them and they didn’t particularly like you. In general if you join social group that does things certain way, it’s not realistic to expect them to change. You tried to fit in. It didn’t work. It happens. I think it’s important to distinguish between activity partners and real friends.

Hi, Jesyka!

QUOTE:

“Actually, I prefer to confront people directly. I’m nit confontstional. I’m just direct & not afraid of being honest with people. I enjoy putting people in their place when they misbehave actually, lol 😆 “

Do you think adults enjoy a friendship or spending time with someone who enjoying “putting people at their place”?
What you mean by putting people at their place is questionable because when there could be something you see as the norm and acceptable, others may see it as different.
Do you like people putting you at your place?

That only creates bad vibes.
I’m not telling you to be a doormat but defend your rights and your boundaries with intelligence. Without closing doors for you.

First at all, I would begin by being respectful of others’ time. And don’t rush communicating your upsettings with people. If you feel bothered by someone, try to keep calm, study the situation from the distance. Normally, things people do that may bother us, are behaviours we also exhibit with other people or even the same ones.
You need to step away and gain a distance to be able to see clearly.
People like you or me who have social anxiety overthink so much and monitor each detail in a social interaction and tend to stress on the few clues that are gonna lean in our own sense of inadequacy.

Reading your threads I came across you have some passive-aggressive responses. Do you remember you labelled a friend of you as a people pleaser and said she displayed passive-aggressive behaviours.
I see these kind of behaviours in you. So, I would better look at myself and see my own patterns before trying to analyse others.
For example; you don’t like a pic of you taken. Ok. It’s understandable. I don’t like at all, either.
You first kept saying to them no. But after they pushed you, you finally accepted so your angry with them is growing inside (passive) until you burst and send them a message telling them off (aggressive).

It’s very important that you first look at yourself before questioning what others do.
And even when you question others, no way you’re gonna change them unless they want. So it’s pointless to ask for explanations, or confronting them. You will only get them to go off and you don’t give any opportunity for them to choice if it matters the effort and respect your boundaries.

In the way you analyse yourself, you’re gonna be so satisfied from what you have learnt that setting boundaries is gonna be spontaneous and people will see this respect you feel for yourself reflected.

I tried to encourage you to look for biography about assertiveness, social skills…you might find it very helpful what you learnt and it’s gonna be very good for you as it was for me.
I was passive-aggressive as help. Due to my insecurities. I was always on defence mode.
Give it try.

Thousands of apologises for the long text.

To sump it up

- Focus on yourself. Your patters. (Writing on a journal would be a good idea and re read it from time to time)
- Don’t act at the heat of the moment (reflexion)
- The only person you can change is yourself
- Work on assertiveness (help to identify passive-aggressive behaviours and give a more accurate response in social situations, taking into account not only your rights but other people’s ones that are also at the same level of importance)

I think passive aggressive component is agreeing to something you don’t want to do and then being angry about it.

It’s the same people pleasing you hate in others. When people agreed to do things with you you even though they didn’t want to, you called them people pleasers and said you can’t stand people pleasers.

But you are being one yourself: changing your plans, agreeing to take pics, changing restaurants etc It’s ok to accommodate others but not if you resent it and later confront people about things that you agreed to.

Either accommodate people out of goodness of your heart or don’t accommodate them. I don’t think it’s wise to accommodate everyone but then be angry and confrontational about it.

Great news jesyka!

Thanks. One lady I’ve met 4 times so far is an artist who also had depression, anxiety, and she has also had issues with being bullied too.

She has also has had bad experiences with men too. We also like a lot of the same music & we like clothes, makeup, good food, art & cats. She said nice & easy to talk to.

I told her about these women & she said they’re not my friends & that they’re jealous of me. She’s very smart too. She’s worked with big cats before & autistic kids. She’s going to start teaching neurotypical young kids soon.

I see your point. However, I’m definitely not a people pleaser. I tried to be accommodating.

That’s all. It became to much though. They took advantage of my kindness obviously. They took me for granted. I then became resentful because they thought they could get away with being picky & controlling.

A fee people told me they were playing games with me to make me squirm to see how much they could get away with for fun even. How sick is that? They might’ve been doing that for laughs.