Dealing with a new partner's sexual experience

[QUOTE=divine1966;7361867]Why are these people talking about past sexual experiences so much? What’s their end game?

^ This is a great question! For one, modern society has encouraged us to talk about sex, past partners and all. I see how it’s not a good thing to talk about past partners with new partner, causing jealousy, insecurity, judgments.

I assume the ‘end game’ is to have satisfying relationships in the best intentioned circumstances. There could be someone intentioned to make their partner feel insecure.

We agreed we got carreid away and were to soon. For now, due to medical reasons nothing is allowed until two weeks after a surgical procedure. We will have "permission" on September 26.
The physical contact we have - both when dancing and when we sleep in the same bed - feels great. I do believe her when she says so, even when she is confused about the intensity of the physical response. We share this feeling. After what happened with my ex wife, I thought I would have forever lost the ability to feel intimately connected to somebody but now, I feel even more connected that I have ever experienced before.

It is probably worth to mention that we both came from long-term relationships with parthers that were labeld as having narcissitic traits.

[QUOTE=TishaBuv;7362572]I have been wondering. I had a traumatizing experience in the past, with my ex-wife forcing her stories of her on night stands upon me and inflicting physical pain. Was it wrong to be open about that so that my new partner knows where my insecurity came from?
I was nervous about sex because I was afraid it would trigger something and apparently, I came over as hesitant which made her worry and I saw no other option than to tell her.
Not that I can take this back of course ....

I read some replies that suggest that my current connection will be key. It is there; we did not do much, it was her wish to wait. We cuddle, we kiss mostly and we both feel everything is extremely intense, so much so that as long as we even touch, we will eventuall turn to each other and start all over again. We are communicating throughout the entire day (even if we both have our day time occupations) so I think we do have a great connection.
Is it just unlucky that my current girlfriend had these same experiences that were traumatizing for me (exploring pain) with somebody and really enjoyed them? She opened up about this because she once did a boudoir photography session with hints to this period, which strengthens my idea this was so valuable to her, she has nowhere to look but down after that.

In my thinking , people's preferences are shaped by their past experiences. When I follow that line, I will never be able to offer that experience. She called it a phase, and in my thinking she realizes that after that nobody will ever have anything of value to offer her.. Just because she has these cherished memories.
And even if I would some day feel the desire to experience these things, she might not be willing to do so because it will blemish what I thinks of as the favourite part of her sexual development.

And sometimes I think that, if it is really all about connection, we will cater to each other's needs. We might even be doing so already, by the way we kiss and the way we carress.

And in the end, even if I always think I don't, I do have experience and probably the same anything-goes attitude. I don't normally tend to think back of what I once did in the sack but I have been doing so lately as if I am trying to find proof of my experience and worthiness. It is astonishing how little vivid memories I have and how few concrete situations or actions I remember. A general atmosphere of a period within a relationship, yes, but hardly ay special moments (and I only remember them now because I have been digging for them).
Oddly enough, I was familiar with some of the things that became traumatizing later and that now terrify me as an experience my current girlfriend has. These memories only came back because I was digging for them.

I really hope I can get this working because relationships do strand on problems on a sexual level.

Is anybody familiar with this approach?
Wat is Psychosexual Somatics(R) Therapy? – Ware Intimiteit

Doesn't a lack of sexual experience - after all, I was 23 at my first time and 25 when I started a first relationship and I have been single for more than half of my adult life - mean that I lack in experience and skill and will never be able to satisfy a woman within the expectations women have by the time they are in their forties?

Does this not mean that I will never be able to maintain a stable relationship?

It doesn’t mean anything whatsoever. Nothing to do with satisfying anyone with some kind of special skills and certainly doesn’t mean you can’t have a relationship.

Your approach to sex is like you’d approach looking for a professional like if you are looking for a carpenter for sure you want someone with special skills and experience. If that’s how people looked for intimate partners, they’d hire sex workers.

Focus on other aspects of a relationship, get to know the person and hopefully develop feelings and things will fall into place. Women don’t go around with a sheer goal of finding skilled men to satisfy them.

But won't this feeling of inadequacy keep popping up?

We had a hard time together because she feels inhibited. It is her inhibition that set me off in a thougth spiral of her having tried everything I would ever be able to imagne and me not being interesting enough. Since, she has hinted on previous relationships not being that good (she was married to a narcissitic husband for 19 years and hinted on a previous partner cheating on her for over a year and another person who behaved the same way as her husband).
But still ... I was really old when I had my first experience and in the beginning she spoke of certain things that were fun for her but traumatizing when I was married (to a woman who was constantly bragging about extreme stuff she had done in one night stands and wanted to repeat some of those with me, to which I did not have to courage not say no as I felt a need to prove myself).
To me it feels that my current gf will always have a been-there-done-that feeling when she is with me although her response to even the littlest things does suggest otherwise.

After all, relationships do crumble over unsatisfying sex. Shouldn't I just accept that I will have to spend the rest of my days alone? Sometimes this appears more appealing than the uncertainty and agony I am now going through.

We met during tango classes and we do have a great connection when dancing and can talk about (almost) anything. It is just very hard for her to see me when I suffer from this anxiety. She also struggles with the thoughts - of her having tried everything - I have when I suffer the most.

Also, we had a short break in our relationship. Last week - after we rekindled our relationship - we were talking. She suggested I'd see a specialized therapist - she didn't even name which kind of therapy - for these issues as she suspects things will be triggered again in the future. I had just fixed an appointment with a sexuologist and was planning to tell her anyway (it was a coincidence that I got the phone call just half an hour before we talked) and she was surprised but happy.
In the end her fear of triggering things left me with the idea that I will indeed be amazed by her skill and knowledge and that this would trigger me again. A more reasonable interpretation would be that she is just worried, but I can't let go of this idea.
Anyway, she does not want to make love before my issues are more or less settled.

Last weekend, I told her I did not want to run away from my desires. She asked what had actually triggered me and it was her prudence in the first place that made me think that, if she was holding back, she would probably be thinking about non-standard things to do and that set off the thinking about her being extremely experience and skillful. I told her and she was more spontaneous after (but still hesitant to take things further). We had a great conversation about my issues up to the point where she said that she evisioned me as being soft and sweet and passionate at the same time. I told her that I believe things will be like when we kiss: soft, playful and sometimes wild and passionate. And that things would be anything except for boring. She confirmed: "never boring", this too has been quite the trigger.

Yes some people aren’t sexually compatible but it’s nothing to do with skills. It sounds as you are attracted to women who are into extremes like pain and one night stands. Most people aren’t into that. And having these experiences doesn’t make one skillful. It just means people like certain things.

My ex-wife was highly manipulatieve. I am as of now not sure how much of these ONS or weird things actually took place (in retrospect, most of this relationship was built on lies). Also, most of her story telling and all of the bizarre stuff happened in the first year. After that she never expressed a desire to repeat or further explore this. She had exploited my insecurity to the maximum and had me under control.

With my current GF, she stresses the importance of a strong emotional connection, which we have. She says that carressing her breasts, with only her pleasure in mind is worth more than the most exciting position (and that was another trigger, because in my mind, she knows of this most exciting position and I don't).
Her episode with pain came up when I told her about the origin of my insecurity ("it can also be fun in the proper context", and honestly, I knew this too from a previous relationship but I had more or less forgotten). Over time she hinted at a very strict upbringing on one side and relationships in which she experienced little love and respect on the other. Her phase as she called it, learnt her that she is not just an object and has a right to express and live her desires. It probably happened during the honeymoon phase of a relationship. On a rational level, I can understand why she had this need (and here too, I did once go that road just because it was exciting) and given my own experience it should not scare me. Moreover, she does not give the impression she still longs for this, and even if she would, mutual trust might still drag me over the line
Moreover, with her focus on connection, on a rational level and given what I start to remember about my own attitudes, I should believe we will do great together but still, her having had this phase makes me believe there is nothing of value left to experience with me as my anxiety tells me it was not just this but everything else as well that she's done.

Looking back consciously over the last few weeks, I am well aware of what I bring into a relationship on a sexual level. In my previous two relationships (which includes my toxic marriage), I got the compliment that many women would kill to receive that kind of attention but still I cannot believe this will ever be enough.

I really need a way out of this without having to quit from this relationship. If I don't it will without a doubt pop up in a next relationship too. That is, if there can ever be any because I am currently terrified by my anxiety too. It stifles me.

You seem to rationalize a lot and it seems like this lady does too. Why not just go with what you two feel? If you two aren’t having sex, it doesn’t matter how much and to what depth you two are analyzing it. You either do or you don’t. It almost feels that you two aren’t interested in each other in that way, otherwise you’d be “doing” rather than “talking about doing”

There is no “secret knowledge” of most exciting positions as it’s all subjective. Whatever is the most exciting for a person.

For me, what happened is that the experience I had fifteen years ago was triggered with the same anxieth about being inadequate. This happened at a time my therapist was in vacation.
I half dealt with this by rationalizing what she said about previous relationships (and that it was not all wine and roses) to question my own idea that she has seen it all (and enjoyed it more than she will ever be able to enjoy me).
Next to that, I started digging in my own past to find proof that I am not unexperienced and unknowing and have something to offer too. I saw no other way, although my therapist might have guided me into another direction.


For her, she is overly caring. That started when I felt tense, she asked (and kept asking) why. I opened up about the negative experiences I had in the past and how they had affected me. A slip of the tongue revealed she had done exactly those things that had traumatized me (not the ONS, she only had long relationships). Later she wanted to explain, and started with "I am a bit experimantally minded" ... which for me made things worse. It could be - but I did not dare to ask at the time - that she only was pointing to this one phase.

For her, the idea of intimacy between us is disturbed by the idea of an extremely experienced woman that was created by my anxiety (I knew what was happening and that things were not correct). She remains careful as she does not want to trigger things again. She wants to wait until I had a few sessions with the sexuologist.

We both have a strong desire (she says and intimate connection is very important to her and that sex is an important part of that, although I believe that when relationships turned sour, she was probably just going through the motions when she had to). I am ready to move on as I have experienced before that positive experiences and feedback can help me through such a crisis. She is reluctant out of carefulness. She likes the small things she allows me to do for her (very much so) but she really misses doing something in return, while at the same time she does not dare.

We discussed this last weekend and I told her that her carefulness was in part what triggered things. For the first time since the start of my crisis, she carressed my back and shoulders. The touch gave me an intensity I have never known before, I am sure she noticed and hope that she realizes I do experience this intimacy in a similar way as she does.

If you spend all your time discussing lack of experience, you’d never gain any experience. You two need to stop talking about past lovers. It’s unhealthy. This relationship sounds depressing. You don’t even need to have sex if it’s not happening. Go have fun. Hang out. Go places.

I think you need professional intervention. Nothing that has been suggested to you on this thread, including the idea that had people looked for pure skill and experience, they'd be hiring seasoned commercial sex workers, has made any dent. You perseverate and there is no progress. I think you need a sexologist and a psychotherapist for your anxiety, both.

I am seeing a therapist.Will be starting with a sexologist on November 17 but is is a long wait. I am trying to keep my head above water but it is hard.

In the meanwhile, we try to focus on fun - non-sexual - things but I always get triggered somehow, even when the item is not brought up.