Are these people friends? or am I ruminating ? social anxiety.

Are these people friends?
I've had a hard time making friends due to past experience being bullied badly at school to the point I had to change schools to University. What I thought were friends turn out to be bullies.

So now I'm like very ninja you could say what people say and if someone says something that upsets me I will ruminate about it for days or even weeks. It's like a song stuck in my head.
I am seeing a therapist but she away for 3 weeks on holiday. I only have had 3 sessions with her so ...just early stages.
I'm just struggling to cope until I see her.

So I thought to come here and see if anyone else experience rumination with interactions with friendships what they say.

Also I'm interested in your view if these people are friends. I've ran into trouble last year for example of a friend that used me as a emtoional validation machine and then ghost me. So now I'm like super suss of people.
I tend to end up with people who seem to have lack of empathy that's what my therapist said anyways.

I have written two experience as of rescently with two friends. I've made up their names for their sake of privacy.
Friendship Rory.

Been friend since mid last year from art class I attend to.

I sent him a message about my sister and her weird discoloured pattern on her leg. I also explained why my sister was born with heart disease and why I was concerned. Since we are unsure if it could be her blood circulation. My message was long. I will admit to explaining everything. what I noticed was the lack of response but also the message I received from him was like a 5 year old message you. What I meant by 5 year I meant the lack of emotional intelligence and response to it. I ended up feeling hurt , dismissed and that I don't matter as a friend.

Here is the message First message -
Me - " gosh talking about stress on different levels. You work for my sister's health. She has what is called Congenital heart disease. Basically she had open heart surgery when she was born and again at 2. Last year they looked inside to see what was going on cause her oxygen level would drop when walking to 80%. And they found holes on her artificial valve. They tried to cover up the holes but it didn't work. They thought it would be best to leave it because if they fiddle with it more it would make the holes bigger. Anyways, nothing much improved from there. Like when she goes for long walks her legs will ache because the body struggles to pump the blood up. Just recently, maybe the past 2 years she has had issues.

Anyways to get the point of what I'm saying lol. She has having this weird pattern on her ankle sense June. It looked like this first"Show photos of her leg. "so we sat at the emergency doctors for 40! mins!!! and the doctor doesn't know what it is. He said it looks like when you stand too close to heat and your skin does that. He says it's not blood circulation because her feet and legs are puffy. He looked at her blood test results from recently no immune disease or blood disease.

Rory message - Off to pub quiz atm, so I won't be able to answer for a while! Sorry

Rory replied back and said this "Oof we came second" Ohno your poor sister has congenital heart disease D:That looks concerning.

Me- replied back " oh damn that is awesome!! Yeah she was born with it. It is concerning, they still don't know what it is. It feels like a episode of House from that doctor tv series ( I replied back to previous conversation) yeah! lol it's like no. You probably just like the culture that is fine. I recalled there was a man who had surgery to look Korean and identify himself as Korean. I don't think it does. I think this is the part where the rabbit hole goes down on.

Rory replied back saying "Yeah I thought that was... kinda faked lolLike I wonder how many people are doing it because they're obsessed with kpop haha I think that guy who had the surgery said he had lived in Korea before, so it's fine, but even then I'm like eeeeehhhhhh (Rory never replied back to my message about my sister)

I sent another paragraph message. But I deleted because he didn't reply back to it , I believe a day. Which is unusual for him because he usually replies.I thought I was being annoying to him so I deleted it because I was afraid I would lose him as a friend. Based on past experiences where I've sent long messages and people stop talking to me, without saying anything. They just "ghost" you.

So I thought what I did was the right thing.

Rory replied not long after I deleted the message and he said "Aye sorry I didn't get around to reading the rest of your leg story xDsometimes when I see it's an essay, I'm like 'Haven't got time to tackle this yet, will come bakc to it' sorry about that .

Me - replied "oh I wasn't too sure if you wanted to know the leg story. I thought I was annoying you it's not you. Just my past stuff. No need to say sorry.I thought you might find the leg story interesting. The doctor reckons it's this (sent a photo what the doctor thought it was)

He didn't reply back for a while. I became concerned he was upset
so I messaged this " oh I gotcha. I do find it hard to dense down a message. I heard it's part of dyslexia, my therapist told me. You over explain things cause you are worried the person won't understand you. I will try my best to keep it short. Thank you for letting me know though. It is helpful .

Rory reacted to the photo with the emoji shocked face. and replied hours later saying this.
"Haha nah just if it's an essay, it means I'll get back to you a bit later cuz I've been at work xD"

I felt upset because he didn't say anything about how my sister was. So I felt he didn't care as a friend. I replied the next day saying "oh okay good all good." He didn't reply after 2 days. Which is unusual for him, so I felt nervous and worried I would be rejected as a friend so I sent him a video which he replied back to about.

After Ten days later. We catch up with other friends. We were at a restaurant and Kate another friend part of the group asked me how my sister was. I explain to them about it and how she doesn't look after herself and I get caught into the drama. Then Rory asked what we were talking about and so I mentioned we were talking about my sister and her leg and he said in an annoying voice mainly towards Sarah the other friend not directly at me.
"Oh I remember, she sent me this long essay about her sister's leg" and I felt attacked. And he went on to say "yeah and she deleted it" I said to Sarah because I felt attacked "I thought he was annoyed at me" and then Rory said " I was busy that week writing my report".

Other examples of Rory's behaviour. I messaged him about how this angry old man told me to pick up my dog's poop when I was walking my dog, even though I didn't have any poop bags with me. And how the old man told me to go back and get the poop, to the point I had to change directions because the old man was standing in my way. Rory's response was did I pick up the poop. I said no, that meant I had to drive back. And he said how he keeps walking on poop. I joked and said do you watch where you are going? and he told me his story of how he stepped on poop at school and expected validation from me. But it didn't validate me at all about the old man who got angry at me.

Another time was when Kate mentioned how an old work friend emailed her and said how he got fired from work and said to her I won't bite your dog's head off. Kate was upset and I could understand this same with Sarah. Though Rory I'm not sure because he said "That doesn't make logical sense she doesn't have a dog". And both myself and Sarah knew this was a figure of speech but I don't know if Rory noticed this.


Kate
Went to the Barbie film and after the movie finished. Kate started to discuss the Barbie movie politically. I thought to tell her my different experience being around empowered women growing up. I said to her my mum was a single mother and she had to bring up my sister and I and work and clean the house. I said that was empowering and Kate said no that is not empowering and turned her head away from me. I felt angry but didn't react but I also felt very deeply hurt and didn't know what else to say.

After the film Kate went on to talk to me and Rory about her online boyfriend and how she isn't attracted to him and how he might be coming overseas to see her. She said how she felt "bad" if he came over and she was not attracted to him. She also mentioned something personal and asked us if it was weird that her old boyfriend she used to go out with, wanted to have sex with her with her mother in the same room sleeping. Both Rory and I said that was weird. She then lectured me about feminist and how men can't express their emotions due to society. I knew this but I felt like I had to "pretend" to not know this. I do not know why I didn't feel like I could speak up and say "yes I know this".

Another occasion we were in the restaurant with Rory,Sarah,Kate and I. Kate was talking about how it would be nice if the world was nice and people cared. I said " Yeah ceos are psychopathic" I don't think I explained myself clearly. What I was trying to say is that people who are in HUGE power are psychopathic and well..there's evil in the world and you can't escape it. Kate randomly jumped in and said "Not everything is psychology" I felt attacked. I felt judged. I thought maybe she thought this because I told her I go to therapy and one time she randomly messaged me asking how often I go to therapy. I felt it was a personal question and felt a bit sussed with the question. I told her once or every 2 weeks it depends. I asked why and she said she was thinking about going back to therapy.

Same day
Later on I mentioned how I saw this post on a paranormal facebook group. I explained to Kate it was a photo of a portrait against glass window at a shop and it said "Bought twice, Return Twice are you brave enough" she didn't seem to get the joke and asked why it was return and I said probably because the people thought it was cursed and she said "I don't believe in curses"

Anyways during the time I spent with Kate,Sarah and Rory on that day at the restaurant. went on about some prison test she didn't explain and how it shows it became corrupt with people having power. And how it's in our nature to become toxic if anyone has a lot of power. I try to relate back and tell her about Lizzo coming into fame and now there is HUGE toxic stuff coming out about how she treats her dancers. I said to her it goes back to what you said but she seems to disagree. I felt confused. When we left the restaurant, Sarah left and Kate and I waited for Rory. I realised that Kate parked where I parked last time. I felt a bit creeped out by that just because last time she picked the same drink as me when we went out for dinner and then Rory did.

Anyways, Rory mentioned reptilians. I joked and said oh yeah reptilians they thought the Queen was one and now she is dead. I was making a point that she was not a reptilian because she died and people on the internet thought she was reptilian because she lived so long. I did mention how they think the eyes change and my friend believes in it. Suddenly out of the blue Kate said "maybe that's her perspective" I felt confused about what she meant by the word perspective it didn't make sense to me. I felt attacked and said casually "Oh she is a family friend" and Kate said "ohhh....well people can change beliefs" and I still felt a bit attacked but I agreed with her. Then she mentioned how people believe we are in a stimulation and how Elon musk believes it and there has been evidence of it. I felt uncomfortable and weirded out and thought to just agree in case Kate attacks me again.

Thank you for reading my long message I do appreciate it.

Any insights or thoughts would be helpful.

I read your post through the texts with Rory about your sister and stopped there. I thought IÂ’d comment based on that part, and didnÂ’t read further because your post was very long, and I felt I had enough of a feel in order to respond.

Rory does sound like a good friend to me from what you said there. I suggest you talk to your friends about lengthy things in person, actually talking, rather than text. I only text short things that need saying, more informational. If I have a lot to say, I talk to the person.

Rory did comment about your sister at first, saying he was sorry. He politely pointed out to you that he has a hard time reading your long texts. I feel he was very politely asking you to not text him such long texts.

I agree with the above post and also would add that I would be hesitant to discuss/describe my sister's medical problems unless I was specifically asked about them and ONLY if I were asked in person. Over text, the answer would be "she is okay."

I also couldn't read the entire post, it was way too detailed and it feels like you are adding every single thing to it to ensure a particular response from us ("Rory isn't a good friend"). When a post is that detailed, I assume that you are trying to steer me in a particular direction, which I don't care for.

Yes they are your friends and you make a wonderful little gang of misfits talking at each other and misunderstanding but sticking together regardless. You're not perfect and neither are they and that's fine, tolerating one another is enough to pass the time and avoid sitting at home in an existential crisis.

Don't overthink it.

Hi. Thank you for reading my post as far as you could. Its much appreciate it.

You did miss this part which wasn't about txt message this happened ten days later. It's related to my sister as well and this was in person. Which made me thought other wise of my friend Rory.

After Ten days later. We catch up with other friends. We were at a restaurant and Kate another friend part of the group asked me how my sister was. I explain to them about it and how she doesn't look after herself and I get caught into the drama. Then Rory asked what we were talking about and so I mentioned we were talking about my sister and her leg and he said in an annoying voice mainly towards Sarah the other friend not directly at me.
"Oh I remember, she sent me this long essay about her sister's leg" and I felt attacked. And he went on to say "yeah and she deleted it" I said to Sarah because I felt attacked "I thought he was annoyed at me" and then Rory said " I was busy that week writing my report".

Oh no it's not that at all about ensure a particular response. I feel a bit misunderstood .It's actually my dsylexia.My therapist who experience dyslexia themselves says it's part of dyslexia where you see everything in detail and have to explain everything because you are worried no one will understand you. Because if years growing up no one understand what you are saying.
Hopefully that makes sense.

A good show to watch about friendship is Big Bang theory. All of them have annoying quirks and at times bad judgement but they get over it and transform themselves and each other by being accepting of each other. Accept your friend Rory isn’t perfect and he didn’t have time for your long post at that time. It sounds as if he meant to go back and read it but you deleted it so he was explaining why he didn’t read it, you had deleted it before he had time to read it.

I know quite a bit of people with dyslexia or reading/writing/language disabilities. Writing extremely long messages is not a typical thing for them at all.

There’s nothing wrong with you sharing that your sister is unwell. But unless your friend is your sister’s doctor I think sending detailed descriptions of her legs and pictures of them is a bit extreme. I think he was polite about it but didn’t know what he was supposed to say. It’s a bit awkward.

As about poop you do need to pick it up regardless if you have bags or not so he can’t really validate you on that because you are in the wrong.

Message about sisters legs was too long but he did plan on reading it. It’s a nice thing on his part

Making fun of you about “essays” isn’t very nice but I guess depends on the context.

I read more of your long post, it seems you take offense very easily. You said several time you felt attacked Do bring that up in therapy and work on your thoughts behind that. DBT can be very good for that.

Yeah, I have done DBT. The whole course I think 6 years ago. I've been in therapy since but change of therapist due to my therapist having her baby. So I have a new therapist, sense her 4 times so far but she been on holiday so I'm only seeing her next week. So I'm really struggling the past 3 weeks. My pervious therapist let me email her when I was worried about stuff and told me to do the DBT skills or anxiety related stuff. However after she left I notice I became co-dependent and never learnt to think for myself for skills.
So I feel like I'm in a mess.

The long messages my current therapist told me it's my dsylexia cause she has it too. And something to do with the path ways in the brain that is strongly connected. Meaning there are people with dsylexia who brain is very connected to detail but not the bigger picture which is why I over detail things. I don't even know how to stop myself doing that.

I haven't bought up feeling attacked to my therapist. I will when I see her next week. But she said to me in a logical sense how people have filters over their eyes how they see the world. And so from my past experience being bullied by friends I'm super sensitive or aware of such small things.

She didn't gave me any skills though to work through it.

The problem is that questioning about others’ reactions (even tiny details) and your own ones is a symptom of social anxiety.
I think she is as it was mention in the title, not sure.

Limeapple, hello!
I read all your post. I sometimes found trouble to understand humor sense in the jokes you described, but it’s not your fault. 😀

Keep calm, what Mammu says has lot of sense. Have you seen the Big Bang theory series? It’s awesome how they all have a place in the group and how over over differences, there’s always their friendship.
Rory was a bit rude but honest. I’m sure it wasn’t an attack. He was only expressing why he can’t reply. A long text from a friend needs time to be read and he probably didn’t want to reply whatever without reading with time. Nonetheless, you already know he likes short texts.

It’s normal you question any detail. I used to do it all the time and still I do it although not so often.

While you are able to see your psych again and a though like that, a doubt pops up, try in private to see the whole Rory or the whole Kate. I don’t remember the other friend’s name. And question yourself what that person have done in other occasions that
could contradict the one you felt rejected or bothered by.
Another strategy is what it has been said acceptance of differences.
Take time to (not ruminate) but to have a time where you accept something made by others hurt you, without dwelling on. I usually do this with meditation. It helps to pass the page. Not sure if I explained this point very well.
Have you worked mindfulness with your psych?

Oh yeah I also meant to address the dog poop. You should ALWAYS pick it up. I don’t care if you need to take the dog home and get bags, you go back and pick it up. People do not take kindly to messy pet owners and it’s your responsibility.

oh dear! I read you're whole message, because I've been there. I've been told by a group of folks that I type up long messages. (although, this was an online only communication, so it's hard to get out lots of thoughts in a concise message) So it took me a while to get over the fallout of the relationship with that group (ultimately ended)

I still have a tendency to type a lot when I'm trying to explain something and struggling to find the proper words, but I've definitely learned many lessons and that I certainly am not perfect and that I need to understand that not everyone is going to be so tolerant. I AM lucky to have a couple of friends over the years who have been patient though, through all of my "excessiveness". You need to take a step back and be grateful for that support when it comes. And you also need to take a step back and reassess relationships that are not as healthy for you.

To me, like others have said, it seems you may be slightly quick to judge your friends. Ok, maybe they did or said something you don't like, but do they not show appreciation or love for you in other ways? For instance, Rory, maybe the "essay" comment could have been a bit rude, but he DID say sorry about your sister's leg (as someone else pointed out). The other friend who parked in your spot and ate your same dinner, that's only two things. Could easily be coincidence. If it happens more, maybe it's a little creepy, but at the same time, is it hurting anyone? I mean, maybe she just finds that you chose a good parking spot and a good meal. I think you're overthinking. Overthinking can be our enemy and create problems and misunderstandings that aren't even actually there.

On the other hand, it is also important to listen to your gut. If you do have a bad feeling, try changing something about YOUR behavior. If you're worried you're talking too much, take a break from talking to them. Let them come to you. I think you did this once. That was good. Just, don't get immediately impatient again. Some people just don't respond right away.
If you feel creeped out by your friend after some time of copying you, try asking why she's doing it. maybe she has a reasonable explanation that you just never thought of.

I can't remember more of the message, but I hope what I've said was helpful. And just know that I want you to feel better about yourself and your relationships and for things to work out. As I said, I've been there, so I know it's hard, but it can be done. YOU can change the way you have relationships with people. Oh, last thing! The gut thing. If it truly does feel like they are just not turning out to be the type of friends you need, then don't be afraid to cut them loose and look for others. Or even, look for other friends in the meanwhile. But when you do find those good friends, hold on to them!

Good luck! <3

Thank you so kindly for reading my very long message. I really appreciate it thank you.
It's nice to know someone out there as you express have experience the same thing sending long messages. I always felt it was just me and no one else so thank you for sharing that.
Yeah I agree I was over thinking about about the drink and the car park.
The only thing that bothers me is that friend keeps kinda I don't know the word for it. Debating me if I have a different opinion say for example the reptilian when I was joking and how some CEOs can be on the borderline psychopathic. Also another time when she said to me my mother isn't empowered after I said how my mum had to bring myself and sister up, work and clean the house. And became librarian manager. That really hurt me. I told my therapist about this and she thought it was odd of my friend to say this. And said it was empowering of my mother because as a single mother you have to balance everything.
So now I feel say if I go and hang with them if I say anything that's different view than my female friend. She just gonna debate at me and make me question myself. Which I feel walking on eggs shells really, because I worry anything I say might set her off.
That's what been really bothering me. I'm not sure what to make of it or make sense of emotions. I know I'm hurt and angry at her but I haven't expressed it to her.
I sometimes question myself and think am I over thinking this?

Oh by the way it's a bit random but thank you for being kind and non judgmental to me. I read some of the message Shere and I found I was abit judge and people seem to be caught up with the story than what is going on inbetween the lines. So thank you for your kindness.

AppleLime,
Only for your knowledge in case you don’t know. There is a sub forum to post about social anxiety. The general title something like Fears, anxiety and phobias. There’s inside it another sub forum specifically dedicated to social anxiety and selective mutism.

I didn’t like some replies in your thread either.

Oh true!
I didn't know that. Thank you for letting me know this.

I’m sorry I didn’t read your whole OP. I’m probably like most people who just don’t have the attention span. I also thought I’d just start with a comment about that one incident. Your friend said they were out at a bar/pub when you texted, so it would be understood they weren’t going to closely read your long text and put much thought into it at that time.

I do have a friend who texts long, complicated messages. I’m sorry to admit, I sometimes scan over them and respond briefly like your friend did. I care about this friend very much, but just don’t have the patience for the long text. I’d prefer she call, but she may have social anxiety and that explains why she does this.

I can relate to what you said in a later post here, to having someone be invalidating, intentionally oppositional, seemingly to everything you say. Are they a good friend? If you want to explore that more, you can give more information about it and look at what’s happening there.

We’re just peers in this forum focused on mental health and relationship issues, but open to listening and trying to be helpful.

That, what Tisha said about having someone often invalidating you like that friend. This is something I’m thinking about. Not sure up to what point it’s intentional. What do you think? Did she does the same with others?

Sounds difficult to have someone debate you all the time. Actually, I know a bit about this, but it's family, so it's a little harder to get away from them. Also, it's not their whole personality, so it's something I can live with...well, live in separate homes, anyway. lol

Uh, but yeah, I mean, if these are your friends, they shouldn't be making you feel like this. (does not seem like you're overthinking). You have two choices; confront them (or her, in this case) about how it's not good for you that she keeps debating you
or you can agree to disagree. Let her express her opinions, but don't let her make you feel obligated to change yours. You have yours for a reason. It's ok. If she makes a point that you hadn't considered before and you change yours then, then it's ok. Otherwise, be strong in your beliefs.
Worst case is that she either won't change and you'll have to rethink whether the relationship is good or not for you, or you'll get bored of her always disagreeing with you (even if you're strong) and you'll want to get a better friend. Either way is ok. Frankly, it sounds like you might want a better friend, but maybe there's more you're not telling us as to why you want to hold onto the relationship so much. Like Tisha said, feel free to share more details. And what Ascuro asked about whether your friend does this to everyone or just you.
Best wishes!