Do you think it’s still possible to find a group of friends

First of all, I have to add an starting point. All my life was framed on my problem with social anxiety and feelings of inadequacy.

I always craved to have a group of people where I was one more between them. Not only to share activities, for me is more important to find a connection based of mutual respect and commitment.
I never experienced it, neither with my own family.
I never have it because I distance myself because of my insecurity and because I see them more mature, more fun, better than me. I felt as an outcast and I acted in consequence.

My attitude from the get go is not the best, to be honest because I’m convinced that I will fail.

It would be such a step forward for me. I’m 51
them it’s the fact that whenever I have a relation with someone, even with a female (I’m hetero) my partner gets jealousy for a possible romantic relation with the person I establish a relation. It’s something in his head and I get shocked each time he makes a commentary in this sense.

What can I do? I’m afraid of not fitting in but this fear shouldn’t stuck me to try it.
What can I do to do the first step to do this?

Any questions I’m open to reply.

I’m scared with this possibility but I’d like it.

I'm 50 and my life has also been ruled by social phobia since my earliest memories. From a young age I used alcohol to socialise which worked on a superficial level, I'm guessing you don't plan on becoming an alcoholic in your fifties though. Most people make friends through work, hobbies, church, volunteering, sport? Maybe joining a walking group, that always seems like a relatively easy option. Painting or some other craft so you can choose to chat or not.

I definitely think it's possible if you want it but you'd have to really find the courage within to start and importantly to maintain your efforts. You certainly come across as a very warm, kind and positive person so it's hard to imagine that you are having to deal with this. I think you should make a plan to perform one, two of three actions a day that would bring you closer to your goal.

I think it’s very possible.

Activity groups are great especially for many people who get anxiety because the focus is on the activity not themselves, this could be one way of meeting people and possibly friendships could develop.

I would talk with your partner about his jealousy issues, the root is likely not you but within him. I empathise, my husband can be jealous too (although not of women friends) but he has in time become less fearful. We did talk it over a lot though and investigated his fears. I do think it’s important to tackle this issue because it might subconsciously be holding you back from socialising because you fear triggering his jealous reaction.

I didn’t know you had the same problem as me. I give you a hug because it’s not easy to live with this. I found very hard to go through school and university, and of course at my profession.

Yes, the truth is that I’m very scared. I had the opportunity to join a group of friends at university and as fast as we get closer, I began to distance myself because I simply felt that I didn’t deserve it. Isn’t it cruel? At work, it happened to me the same.

All the options you gave to me are fantastic ways to meet people.
Now that I progress in one to one communication I would like to try it with a group. A small one.

Did you get it?

I don’t know what happen to him. He knows that I’m heterosexual and that I’m not thinking on men, only him. I don’t understand him.

You’re right in the kind of activities to choose and join a group to learn something. Only that I will have to beat two obstacles instead of one: Being able to relate to a group and being able to perform in a perfect way an activity. My performers, no matter what they may be, put more pressure onto myself when I have to do it in front of people.
There are only two things I naturally can do without feeling so much pressure: Teaching and handling with doggies. These two things makes me even forget that I have social anxiety.

My 18-y-o niece is gonna attend to a concert ALONE in another city to the one she lives in. I like how brave she is and her great personality. It’s just the opposite to me. I’m so happy for her.

I never had a group of friends though I was very active in school growing up. I was kinda the person on outside of groups that was involved in many but not really a part of them & was accepted by all. Got married & my now ex-H was clueless about friends or relationships. I did my own thing social wise with guys at work like my racquetball group & my ballroom dance group & my classocal music performing friends. I was too independent for connecting to a group because my interests are too diverse.

I moved to my farm & got involved with the local horse group & we formed a sub group of women off that. I connected with a church group & we do much social along with church activities but again, my interests are so diverse & work around my farm is demanding so one group of friends just still isn't me because I have so many interests & activities I enjoy when I have time. I do enjoy having the church group to go out to eat with, to go to movies with & to socialize with outside church & Bible study. Groups for me are all around my intetests & activities & I am 70

I do not have social anxiety and just have occasional bouts with strong anxiety related to bipolar but most of the time I am OK. Still, it was enough for me to learn about therapy for anxiety and I thus know about exposure therapy. I think it might be just what the doctor ordered for YOU to attend a concert alone in another city, but given that your husband is jealous, is this even a realistic proposal?

I have social anxiety too. And I’m introverted as well. I have never ever fit into any group & I’m 51 years old. I hate groups too. I always get ignored in them for some reason.

Have you tried joining meetup.com? You seem like a nice person. Maybe try meeting people one on one first to make things easier then socialize with them in a group. I think it’d be better to get to know people outside of a group first.

People tend to act differently in groups. And most people tend to pay the most attention to the extroverted people in the group.

Try socializing with a group with a trusted friend to make things less awkward. Have someone introduce you to other people.

Trying to introduce yourself to strangers in a group by yourself is like trying to kearn how to swim by jumping in the deep end of the pool when you don’t know hiw to really swim, lol.

So take baby steps & always have someone thete with you or like I said, get to know people well in the group first.

It’d help to come to certain events like a party early before everyone starts to separate into grouos too.

If I were you, I’d focus on trying to form deeper one on one friendships. If you’re looking for activity friends, tgen try meetup.com. It.s free to join. Maybe try joining an activity focused group like hiking or a gaming group so the focus is on thst more than trying to make small talk.

As for your s.o, why would he be jealous of you making friends with other women? Let him know that you’d still make time gor him too. Spend more quality time with him to show him that he has nothing to worry about.

I hooe that this helped you out a little bit.

I talked to him yesterday about this issue. His response was evasive. I think that he didn’t want to admit that there’s not reason for his behaviour.
I know that I won’t find any problem on his part as long as I share time with people he can trust.

Now that you mention the few people I have meet up has been through social progressive exposure therapy and each day I progress in this sense. Indeed, it helped me a lot, at work, at my daily day (shops, going to places by my own with my doggies, etc)

Not only you’ve helped with your suggestions, but you’ve helped me a lot.
And you made a very valid point in relation to my partner.
Thank you.

It’s hard to believe but even when I never belong to a group and I miss that possibility, I’m at the same time pretty much an independent person. I guess it’s because I’m used to it. Very different to your case.
Up this point in my life it’s more like a challenge. To see myself if I can fit in now that I’m more confident than before.
Past experiences didn’t work and I think it was more because of my psychological issues. I was always worried because of my anxiety and insecurities. I wasn’t even able to eat in public. This is how bad it was.
And when I had the chance to participate in a group (at work, one friend’s group or something like that) even when I saw they admitted myself, the more we interact, the more I tried to avoid and began to ask myself questions about being able to be once more.
People normally appreciate me and I don’t have anything bad to tell about them. The problem is or I want to think, was. The closer, the more I pushed away.

Quote:

Originally Posted by AzulOscuro It’s hard to believe but even when I never belong to a group and I miss that possibility, I’m at the same time pretty much an independent person. I guess it’s because I’m used to it. Very different to your case. Up this point in my life it’s more like a challenge. To see myself if I can fit in now that I’m more confident than before. Past experiences didn’t work and I think it was more because of my psychological issues. I was always worried because of my anxiety and insecurities. I wasn’t even able to eat in public. This is how bad it was. And when I had the chance to participate in a group (at work, one friend’s group or something like that) even when I saw they admitted myself, the more we interact, the more I tried to avoid and began to ask myself questions about being able to be once more. People normally appreciate me and I don’t have anything bad to tell about them. The problem is or I want to think, was. The closer, the more I pushed away.

I remember in junior high there was this sorority like group that wanted to initiate me into the group. I did a little of the initiation but I realized that I didn't want to be a part of girls like that. I am & always have been an independent thinker & personally I don't like groups because they tend to drag others into their thinking & doing & I just don't like that. The group I socialize with now, sometimes I go out with them & other times I don't & that is the kind of flexible group I enjoy being a part of.

I pick & choose the things I will go to with the groups I was once more involved with. I hate bar environments because it tends to bring out the STUPID in people & I don't really enjoy going to the horse races either. Lol....most groups I wouldn't want to be a part of.

I find that the more I am with people I find out who they really are & what they are like & if I don't like it then I withdraw not out if anxiety or insecurity but because I really choose not to have them as close group friends. I am very secure in who I allow in my inner circle of friends & not everyone qualifies. I will be friendly & socialize on my own terms & I am just fine with staying in control of my own life. So many people define themselves by the group they belong to & for me that just doesn't work

I’m glad to hear that I was able to help you out. Maybe he’s had some bad experiences in the past. Ask him why he feels the way he does. Tell him that you’d never abandon him & then show him that you care by cooking him his favorite meal or bake him
some cookies & watching a movie with him & cuddling up on the couch or the bed together.

It’s all on the road. I’m taking active steps through my goal, folks.
Kind of a free spirit as @eskielover but I’m gonna give it a try to share time with more than one person. It’s a step forward for me and I know it’s the time for me to do it as a point more in my social progressive exposure therapy and who knows, maybe I will be able to put into practice all the skills I learnt with my therapist.

I’m ready. I will keep you updated, sure I will need your advise or simply share a little with you, folks, about if I made progress.
Thank you all in heart. 💖💖💖

P.S.: No problem with my partner. I already talked with him about it and he even will join us in some occasion.

Quote:

Originally Posted by AzulOscuro It’s all on the road. I’m taking active steps through my goal, folks. Kind of a free spirit as @eskielover but I’m gonna give it a try to share time with more than one person. It’s a step forward for me and I know it’s the time for me to do it as a point more in my social progressive exposure therapy and who knows, maybe I will be able to put into practice all the skills I learnt with my therapist. I’m ready. I will keep you updated, sure I will need your advise or simply share a little with you, folks about if I made progress. Thank you all in heart. 💖💖💖 P.S.: No problem with my partner. I already talked with him about it and he even will join us in some occasion.

Just remember you don't have to "pound a square peg into a round hole" to fit into a group you really don't fit into just because you want to be part of a group so badly. Find a group that works for you & you will fit in & be a lot happier working on it. If you find it not working find another group to try instead of trying to force yourself to fit in (the "square peg in a round hole" thing). You may also find belonging to a group on your own terms works best for you also. Don't limit thinking to pre-conceined thinking

Have you considered volunteering at an animal shelter?

Such a good idea. 😀

I have all. I have people who invite me to do different stuff and I also have the possibility to do volunteer work with a pet shelter.
Now, it’s up to me to cope with the anxiety that may cause this time shared.
I’m waiting for being a little better after my dear dog Miky passing and work in the right direction.
Why not? I’m not different from anybody.