is this getting old or have I lived alone for too long?

I am a 52 year old twice divorced woman, will be 53 in a couple of months. I currently live alone. I have lived literally alone for over 2 years. Prior to that, for 5 years, I lived with an absolutely wonderful roommate and we became good friends. We are still friends although we do not see each other frequently due to how busy he is. But to explain how good of a friend he is, I trusted him with witnessing my will. Prior to moving in with him, I had lived alone for 7 years. Prior to that, I had been married for the second time. Prior to that, I had lived alone with my son from the first marriage which was extremely brief, and prior to that, I had lived with my FOO.

For a number of years, until recently, I had been a manager and my work days had been spent in constant interaction with other people. A large percentage of those interactions had been on ZOOM. Then, I developed extreme hypersomnia due to bipolar illness and was on disability for several months, trying to find better medications and being very pessimistic about work and future. But I was able to return to work and find better medications. I need more sleep than most people, but not those inordinate amounts of sleep (12 hours, 14 hours!) as when I was disabled. My manager changed my role at work and I am now a senior individual contributor. Sometimes for a whole day I work solo, without meetings. I briefly grieved losing the managerial role but I now much enjoy the solo work. And I still have some meetings, just not non-stop meetings unlike before.

I am a social person and have friends, including long term friends from adolescence and even childhood. They live far away and I regularly keep in touch with them (WhatsApp, Skype etc). I do not have a large social circle locally, but I keep in touch with those few people who are in that social circle (coffee, walks, classical music concerts, inviting them over for meals).

In terms of more superficial and random connections, I am fairly active on Facebook and have "friends" whom I have Facebook-known for years and whom I have not met in real life but who probably are connected to me IRL indirectly through mutual friends. I post my photographs on FB and have quite a few people respond. One of my newest local acquaintances with whom we have gone on walks and to a open air classical music concert wanted to meet me in person after knowing me in local Facebook groups for a number of years. So sometimes it bleeds from FB onto RL. She and I already plan to go to a classical music concert together in May of next year. But more often than not, I go to classical music and other concerts, ballets, operas alone and I am completely fine with it.

I probably should add here and I never feel lonely or bored. I am just not currently familiar with how these two feelings are subjectively experienced. Maybe in the past, but over the past few years, not at all.

Facebook, Skype, WhatsApp add a social element to my alone time. For instance, I may go to the ocean and then send/post pictures and that would feel social to me. But physically I am alone.

I could easily meet people IRL by connecting in local FB groups with people whom I have "FB known" for a long time or based on mutual interests or just to go for a walk, but I do not feel a need to. Maybe I should, because I am getting concerned about something, which is basically the subject of my post and I apologize for writing such a long backstory.

Recently, my adult son and his GF visited me. They stayed overnight at an Airbnb nearby (I do not have a guest room) but spent all the day time in my apartment. We took trips together (San Francisco, the beach, going to restaurants) and took turns cooking for each other at home. We had a wonderful time. He plans to propose and I cannot be happier for him, as I very much like the GF and it is clearly visible that she loves him and wants to make a good impression on me. This visit was my second time seeing her. I first met her last November.

The thing is, during the visit I had the feeling of being "on" and at some point suggested to them to spend a day in San Francisco by themselves (this was her first time visiting the city, or California for that matter, and it had been her dream since adolescence to come to SF), without me. I stayed home, swept the floors, mopped the floors (while listening to an audiobook), wiped the surfaces, and cooked dinner which they much enjoyed when they returned in the evening.

It was so relaxing to be alone.

Part of the reason I sent them to spend yet another day in the city by themselves was because I wanted to give them privacy and independence. My late mother, unfortunately, was not like that (overbearing, controlling, everything was about her), but I do want to give the young people space. But another part of the reason was that I wanted to relax alone. It was amazing how good mopping the floors felt, and I in general am not a clean freak (learning to clean is my recent accomplishment and some of the credit for that goes to my former roommate, now friend).

They left yesterday. She said that she did not want to leave: she liked being her a lot. I was overjoyed that she said that. But today I spent the day primarily alone, except for a visit to my psychiatrist who is also my therapist. We talked about all of that and he did not see a reason for me to be worried, but I still am.

Am I becoming old? Is this part of growing old? I do not feel old at all but this aspect of growing to enjoy solitude makes me wonder if I am becoming old and set in my ways. I used to be very flexible, too flexible, but now I need my routines. My doctor believes that it is healthy to have routines and credits me with all the work of building them much later in life after a chaotic and unstructured childhood. I also worked very hard on implementing the Social Rhythms therapy for bipolar on my own (it is an evidence-based therapy for bipolar disorder). Am I now too dependent on routines, habits, regular schedules etc.? For instance, during the two weeks that my son and his GF were here, I skipped my weekly sessions with my doctor and I missed them and looked forward to resuming them, even though I was very happy that the young people were visiting.

I am sitting here now in complete solitude and the only sound in my environment is that of my typing on the computer keyboard, and I am keenly aware of how much this is enjoyable for me. I was not like that in the past. I did not have this need to be alone.

What is going on and should I be worried about this? Is this a byproduct of living by myself for a long time?

Sounds like you enjoy being alone. There is nothing wrong with that it can feel safe and peaceful.

I think it's a part of evolving rather than getting old. There's much wisdom and clarity to be found in silence and solitude. Think of every birthday as leveling up rather than getting older :-D

It does feel exactly that.

I like this approach! Leveling up.

I think everyone's happy. Your guests were happy to spend time with you, you experienced some peaceful alone time, and both parties are looking forward to the next time. Everybody wins!

Ive been waiting ten years for this post.

I dont understand the need for another consciousness in my presence for constant distraction and direction. It is amusing for a time, then it becomes a hindrance. Which is how my mother viewed children. Me, anyway - not my older brother.

I went from living with my parents for 21 years (getting my degree the last few years) to being in a bad marriage for 33 years. When I left that & bought my little farm in the country, the peace & quiet was a blessing. I can be with others when I want to be but alone is wonderful. Not sure I could consider it totally alone with all the animals I have but after all those years without a peaceful life, I treasure my alone living & the country kind of quiet after living in Los Angeles for 54 years. Seriously I only go into town a couple of times a month & totally avoid the city unless I am forced to go there for some reason. Life is finally really good & my farm continually keeps me busy

If you never feel lonely or bored then you have grown to feel comfortable with yourself. There is nothing wrong with that.

"I wish there were another person here complaining and stinking up the house," said no one ever. "And not using the subjunctive."

When I reached that place of being comfortable with myself, by myself, I realized I had finally grown into myself. I don’t isolate, but I’m perfectly content to be quietly with myself.

I'm 54 and have lived alone much longer that that and mostly housebound. I have lost contact with real life friends over the pandemic as I was unable to have anyone here and couldn't go to meet anyone in public. My mental health has destroyed relationships. I have autism (dx) and suspect a Dissociative Disorder though that could be from the fact I'm in peri-menopause too and experienced severe paranoia, and fatigue was barely functioning enough to get through a day.


The mood swings meant I changed personality frequently several times a day which is really disorienting. Things have calmed down now but episodes have scared people off so I see no-one except my younger brother. (our parents died many years ago) The problem with social media these days is gossips and everyone knows someone. Years ago I would have been ok to tell neighbours something different and rejoin local society with them knowing nothing of what happened with another friend who didn't live in our area but now it feels like everyone knows.


If I go out in the garden with my dog, neighbours go in! I go miles with my dog into different area's so we might see one person who maybe doesn't know or doesn't realise who I am and smiles and says hello so I feel like I still exist and aren't invisible.


I do have FB under my dogs name I explained we found I had a stroke which had affected my memory maybe hoping for a bit of compassion and forgiveness if they thought I had no memory of what had happened and passed that information back to 'the friend' but no-one replied. ..one did... didn't say sorry to hear you been ill just mentioned their friend had had a stroke in the past. When I see how much support other people get mentioning things like that it makes me feel isolated and unloved. I know its because I don't have the social skills I should have for my age.


The autism affects my ability to instigate things and ask when I need help so consequently I get none and have to find a way to get through things alone. Due to my autism and issues with physical contact and certain noises I've never had a partner or had kids (I'd be unable to cope with screaming babies/kids and unable to control my reaction if they didn't stop). so other than tradespeople and delivery people I rarely see anyone.


personally I feel if I died no-one would care but my poor dog who has never known anything or anyone else and would find kennels or most other people's lives overwhelming..he's a senior dog though probably wouldn't get adopted so I try and keep going for him.


I think it is harder to make new friends as we get older and seen several articles saying that even for people who don't have Autism or other conditions that affect social and communication skills.

I can relate to what you are saying.

Have lived alone since later 20s (now 60+). Couple of relationships but didn't live together.

Yes, sometimes it would be nice to have someone there to cook for, talk to or just snuggle up together!

Unfortunately, if we're looking for friendship on social media, we can be lucky but most of the time it's full of people who are not nice. As a friend described it "...can be a cesspit at times". I'm lucky that I've chosen contacts very carefully, especially as I've been spied on by 2 sets of neighbours. Now I'm thoroughly vetting (as much as I can) anyone who wants to follow me and culled my existing followers list. Also, my contacts have same interests.

Yes, we do change as we get older and not just how we look in the mirror. Our life experiences are different as we mature. What was acceptable when younger, may not be now. Of course, health issues often play their part in how much we can do in later life....

You sound like you’ve got to a place of contentment and you are at ease with yourself? That’s fantastic!

I think solitude can be a very good state, loneliness is different. To me, loneliness can happen even when you are with others but don’t feel connected or understood- that’s an unpleasant feeling, like being in a bad marriage/relationship. Whereas solitude can be a happy and centred state, as you describe.

Yes, to mean even the words in English sound so different, evoking such different associations. To me, the word solitude is e beautiful, mellifluous word.