Not getting along with my mother

I don’t get along with somebody. Surprise!!!!
I’m being hilarious. I know I’m not easy going neither I find easy to get along with many people.
I don’t reach the point of misanthropy but I’m not very far.
Well, the thing is I’m shocked as hell. My older doggie passed away last Saturday and I had cut off contact with my mum for months but she wanted to give her condolences and she wanted to get closer to me. So, she came home and we have a long conversation.
When we touched the topic about our bad relation and why I repudiated her as my mother. One of her complaints was that when my siblings and nieces took her to a restaurant to celebrate her birthday, there was something she didn’t like. I asked her: What? And she replies we didn’t even bought her a cake.
Well, we chose this restaurant because the meal was good, people use to choose it for celebrations. I bought her a present we all bought, a gold stuff for her bracelet. I chose that that symbolises the family tree.
We put the candles on the dessert she chose and sing her happy birthday. All people around clapped also.
But, it seems it wan’t enough.
How in the Earth a person can be so superficial, childish and stupid at her age?
My f@cking good!
What did she do for us? We have to defend her to my father’s mistreat. I don’t f@cking stand superficial people like that, not even my mother.

And this is only a small detail. I don’t want to tell all the story. At least not now. Other people have worst problems than me. No need to waste your time.

Don't know how old your mom is but from many personal observations & experience, mom's that have less self confidence seem to act more childish as they get into those older years. Maybe they subconsciously think it will make people cater to them rather than dislike them. Saw it in my own family situation (Mom & grandma).

I’m sorry Azul, it sounds like you all did a really nice thing for her taking her for a meal and candles in desert.

Has your mother always been like this? Or is it worse recently?

She’s 78 but she didn’t represent that age whatsoever.
I can’t tell if she has low self-esteem. She never showed it. On the contrary.

I think she’s trying to look for excuses to counteract our complains about how she’s behaving with her son, and two daughters (me included) since my dad passed away.
With me even sooner.

She was always pretty superficial and selfish but I didn’t notice it until 20 years ago. She knows very well how to give another face but as long as someone of us is not present, she criticises us. Most of the times her criticises show very low capacity to understand the other person.
All she does is the right and the others are wrong.
There are some occasions when she couldn’t control her real self and I caught it up.
I talked with her about all these issues directly and several times. Her response is always that she didn’t realised.

Actually, after months of no communication with her, I was the one who phoned her to tell her about the loss of our doggie Miky. The reason why I phoned her is because she saw on Instagram a video of my deae Miky that my partner made about him. So, my partner told me that she was going to visit me. And I phoned her with the hope that she didn’t come home. But, she insisted to come later. So I failed in my try.

Very sorry to hear about your loss.

Also, very sorry to hear about the poor relationship with your mother. You could be writing about my situation. Everything revolves around her. She's suffered from low self-esteem for most of her life, apparently brought on by how her mother treated her. Has she done anything to improve this? No!

Coupled with declining health (now 88), some through self-neglect, it's now worse. All she wants to do is talk about how badly everyone's treated her. Last weekend I visited and walked out. Another personal verbal attack on me. Main problem is she will not talk to people who have upset her. Instead, I'm seen as the punchbag. The trigger this time, something her neighbour said to a stranger and my aunt (her sister) telling her what to do (an ongoing theme). Then new cleaner not dusting a table.

What she doesn't know is my brother and I have talked. He's experienced same problem. We're fed up of being told to laugh it off. It's happening too often to be a joke....

How unappreciative of her to not see all thr effort you and your siblings put into celebrating her birthday.

It’s kind of childish to say the least. It has happened in other occasions with other facts. It’s as if she doesn’t give relevance to the important in relationship. If things don’t go as she expects or cover her needs, she gives less value to the other person.

She has a group of friends. Some of them, she has being knowing them for many years. She usually meet them out to have breakfast. Morning meetings.
As they can’t go on trips or go out in the evening because they have their husbands, their grandsons and granddaughters, she discredit them by naming them junk. I of course, told her about that this is unfair.

And as I told before, she criticises us on our backs. She talks to one of us about the other siblings and their partners.

I had lots of conversations about it with her and she always diminished the relevance or say she didn’t notice her fault.

She does sound unhappy. I think the important thing is to remember you are not responsible for her unhappiness or happiness because sometimes this sort of behaviour can make us feel like we ought to ‘fix’. It can be very deep with our parents and go back many years.

Unhappy, Disco?
She is very extrovert. She has a partner to travel with, she has friends, she has everything she may wish and can afford it. She has us. Especially, my sister whose temper is very similar. She’s independent.
She has everything. She travels a lot with her partner and the people she met through her partner.

Ah, I see. Dissatisfied might be a better description?

I would say yes. It’s a better description. You put the nail in the head. I also have this impression now you mention. It must be very sad to have this feelings. The fact that need so much.
For me simply, contemplate a doggie in the street is already a good experience. To put an example. Or a little bird flying. Or a greeting from someone. The smile of my nieces and nephew…

Some people live for their expectations & when those are not met they do become unhappy & dissatisfied because whatever did not go just like they expected. Inflexible people are this way no matter what type they are.

My mom had no self-confidence & was very introvert but she would "try" to make everyone feel guilty & miserable if an expectation she had was not fulfilled. I used the word "try" because it never worked with me. My attitude was always "deal with it since it was your expectation". I was a little kid when I first noticed her doing this & she basically did it till the day she died. There were so many times during my life I didn't get along with my mom....I just chalked it up to that is how she is. Go on with my life & let her deal with it herself.

Yes. It has nothing to do with being introvert or extrovert. Or having more things or less.

You noticed it very soon. You were smart from the very beginning.
I had another picture of her and her situation. I didn’t notice it. Although, she put a great effort into showing a happy-lucky face.

Lately, I have the impression she lacks of inner life. Empty.
If I pay her the attention (I must say I’m the one who lives closer to her)…if I call the attention about something. For example, the fact that she engaged so much with his partner that she forgot about her granddaughters, she takes note and try to worry more about them.
Maybe she sees herself old and wants to eat her life by bites. I meant she is in a hurry to live life at its full.
(I don’t know if I’m expressing myself fine now)
I don’t blame her but this is not contradictory with forgetting about their close family or to talk bad about us and having always a but.
She can’t complain about us. Especially about my sister or my brother. I have my temper and I’m the older so I speak to her very straight.

However a good point is that as soon as she knew my doggie Miky passed away, she thought about me and come to visit me and we talk now every day.

Maybe, I’m being too hard with her. All I can say is that we all three, my sister, brother and myself noted the same about her.