when you become friends with a service provider who then takes it too far

In late 2021, on a website that places personal trainers in individual relationships with clients so that personal trainers come to their homes, I met this woman, Leticia, and we instantly hit it off. I thought that she was everything I possibly wanted in that role and soon thereafter we agreed that she would be my trainer directly, without the website on which I found her, and this way I got a $10 discount from the price of a training session and she probably got more than she had been getting from the network when they had been paying her after taking their cut.

We had sessions 2-3 a week and she was very flexible with me and I was very flexible with her. I admit to sometimes being late and she would wait for me. She would sometimes be VERY late or eventually not show up at all and it was OK with me.

Sometimes she would suddenly say that she needed a trip as a self-care step and be gone for a little while. When she went on one of the longer trips, she asked me to prepay for 10 sessions and I did. When she came back, she thanked me very much for that as it turned out that the money went to some action towards promoting her start-up.

While having sessions with her, I was also on Ozempic, a weight loss drug. The primary and immediate reason for my morbid obesity was Zyprexa but prior to Zyprexa I had, over the years, taken other weight gaining drugs such as Seroquel and Depakote. I would say that Depakote and Zyprexa are, in my experience, the worst offenders.

Eventually my psychiatrist found another antipsychotic for me, Latuda. Latuda gives me EPS and kills the libido (something I currently am OK with) but is not weight gaining and it works supremely for mood stability. I also take a small dose of Seroquel purely for sleep; it is not a weight gaining dose.

Somehow the combination of these factors: weight training, Ozempic, and going off of Zyprexa resulted, over the course of about a year, in my losing over 50 lbs. My blood work also became better than it had been when many years ago I had been much lighter on my feet but had not done any weight training.

When it was one year since I started my relationship with Leticia, I took her out to a restaurant to celebrate. Earlier, just to show my appreciation, I took her out to a ballet with the San Jose Dance theater and she liked it a lot. It was her first time seeing a ballet.

She was patient with some of my limitations, such as my inability to quickly remember the sequence of movements. I would often have her stand in front of me with her back to me so that I would copy her movements because I have extremely poor spatial intelligence and do not, unlike other people, easily "get" how to move my body a certain prescribed way.

She praised my progress but still pushed me. I thanked her profusely and genuinely for all she had been doing for me and she kept saying that it had been my work.

Every session, she would greet me with a hug. It was at first a little unusual but I quickly came to like it.

When I had a small crisis related to a protracted litigation with my ex husband, I confided in her. I also told her about my illness and medications because it was relevant to the work we were doing together.

When her mother died (with whom she had not had a good relationship), she shared a lot of feelings with me. I welcomed that and felt comfortable with that.

I shared with her regarding my dating life.

She shared with me the news when she bought a fixer-upper (note that I cannot afford owning a home).

She would call me "my friend'. And here is where I think it was taken too far.

In April 2023, she suddenly said that she needed a trip, again for self-care. I did not think twice and I assumed it would be for several weeks, as had been known to happen. I prepaid for 10 sessions, just in case, thinking that she would then have these sessions with me upon her return, as, again, had already happened once. It is just that this time around, she did not ask me to prepay.

A couple of weeks after she left, I posted a glowing review of her on LinkedIn.

I had some good selfies taken after 5K walks and I emailed them to her and she sent me back a bunch of heart emojis.

Eventually she updated me that she was staying in SoCal (I am in NoCal) to sell her late grandma's house.

In July, I received an email from San Jose Dance Theater announcing the Dracula ballet on Oct 13. Remembering how much she liked that ballet I took her to in 2022, I wanted the two of us to go again to celebrate our 2 years together and I emailed her saying that I still hoped that one day she would be back and offered to go to the ballet together (my treat). She eagerly agreed. I had a promotional discount which I used on two tickets, calendared that event and continued waiting for her.

She at some point offered me personal training over Zoom but I did not want that, I wanted the real thing.

In the meantime, likely from stopping to train, I started to regain a bit of weight. I told her. I asked for a referral to train with someone in the meantime. She said sure and also suggested that I use the rowing machine in my complex' little gym, if only for 10 mins. The thing is, I was using the rowing machine and for longer than that but cardio does not do it for me; I need strength training and it is well known that for weight loss, strength training is more important (while cardio is great for mental health, of course, and a host of other benefits).

Worried about what was happening to me, I asked her to connect me with a colleague in the meantime. She did not respond. Then, she responded mentioning a friend by the first name but not making the connection.

I gave it some time. I then repeated my request, this time asking to introduce me to that friend/colleague of hers. She went incommunicado and I have not heard from her since.

Note that at some point, more than a month ago, in response to my sounding a little impatient over email, she sent me a huge screenshot of her messages with somebody regarding the sale of the house and told me that she had actually just returned (not telling me) but needed to go back to finalize the sale. Again, I have not heard from her and she has never connected me with her friend.

I kicked myself for letting it go for that long and started searching for a new trainer. I insisted on not signing a long term contract because I still thought that she was the best trainer for me but that she was more than a little odd and quirky and that I needed to wait it out. I finally signed a three month contract with a service to send a trainer to me 3X a week. The price is almost as good as what she had been charging me since early 2022 (and we have obviously had unprecedented inflation) but to get this good price I needed to commit to 3 months and 3X a week.

The trainer is this young Turkish guy, a body builder who has built himself up from a very modest state, if the old pictures he showed me are actually true pictures of him when he was young (I am a little distrustful). He participates in competitions and it all checks out: I googled him and he has an unusual first name last name combo so yes it is he. He is a veteran of Turkey's army.

He tried selling supplements to me but I told him in a firm but friendly way that I was not interested. He then proceeded to giving me free advice such as a recipe for a drink with a cinnamon stick, lemon juice and apple cider vinegar which is actually tasty. Somehow he was able to get me to start drinking 1 gallon of liquids per day, something that I had not been doing until then. He also texts me so that I would do cardio on days off (when we do not have sessions), something Leticia was not doing. Finally, he is also funny and adorable, like Leticia but in a different way. After just two sessions my muscles have already started feeling toned and I trust that I would get back in shape despite this unfortunate lapse in not doing anything from April through early Sept.

Leticia, in the meantime, has gone incommunicado.

• Issue one
  
  It is exactly one month before our ballet date with Leticia. I would like to start searching for another person to go to that ballet with. If I wait till the last moment, I may not find anyone. This requires advance planning. I do not want to waste money on the second ticket. Should I send her one last email telling her that if she is not positively certain that she will be able to make the ballet date, I will need to look for someone else who will be able to go and pay for the 2nd ticket?
  
• Issue two
  
  Do I tell her that I have another trainer and that I have signed a contract for 3 months or do I break the news to her if and only if she writes to me first? Do I owe it to her to be gentle with her? I do get that people have quirks, that she can be unprofessional, that the relationship between her and her many siblings in light of this impending sale of the house of their grandmother may be strained, but she has taken it too far.
  
• Issue three
  
  If I end up liking working with the Turkish guy, I expect to be able to ask him to train me directly, without the company via which he came to me (similar to how I did it with Leticia). I already know that he can do that because when I asked about whether he would be able to train my friends who live farther from San Jose, he said that it is a little far but if they were going to pay him directly, he would make it work. So after three months, if I like him, I could get the same deal with him as I had with Leticia. And ultimately it will come down not only to my subjective liking but also to achieved results, although of course these two things are related. So suppose after three months I actually choose to stay with him even if Leticia is back by then. What do I do about the money I prepaid shortly after she left? If I train with the Turkish guy 3 times a week, do I work with her on the 4th day (I can do that and it probably will be beneficial for me) to let her pay me back, so to speak, via services provided, or do I ask her to give me a refund? I am concerned, knowing her, that she has long spent that money and I would not want to put a strain on her by requesting a refund. At the same time I am a little annoyed that she has allowed herself to behave so unprofessionally towards me and I suspect that our becoming friends was to blame.
  
• Issue four, related to issue three
  
  Say she comes back and say that I simply miss her and the sessions with her but ALSO like working with the Turkish guy and do not want to give him up, either (and have better results with him, maybe). Say he gives me, directly, the same rate as hers so money-wise I would be indifferent between the two. Is it even OK to have two trainers, say him twice a week and her once or twice a week or vice versa or is imperative that one and the same professional oversee the training program?
  
• Last issue, related to issue two.
  
  Do I tell her anything at all regarding the extreme oddity of her behavior? Would she benefit from hearing from me, if she does not realize it by herself, that this is not how one treats long-term customers? Would I be a better friend to her if I tell her, so that she has constructive feedback and may change her ways, or would it come across as cruel if I tell her?

Hi Cherry, answering your questions is a good exercise for me, but it ultimately boils down into doing what is more consistent to the kind of person YOU are. Water or stone? Your previous personal trainer seems to be water, either by nature or by circumstances, maybe even encouraged by the fact that you and her were kind of getting "close"... friendship and professionalism doesn't go hand in hand sometimes for some people... By the way you ponder your options, I guess you still feel some friendship towards her and you would like to bring it to a nice closure in any case...

Me, on the other hand, would be more practical and elaborate much less: look for some other person to go with you to the ballet and just contact her about your previous prepaid investment with her, as politely as possible... In my opinion, it's not you that must explain and elaborate much, this task falls on her since it's her that totally went incommunicado, as you say. Stick to the Turkish guy if you regret somehow coming too close to a female personal trainer and you want to keep it more professional (and accountable from now on) or just try another female trainer if you think that will motivate you much more, that's a very personal choice...

This is what I came up with, hope you liked it, just trying to help . Stay well, Cherry, kind regards and congrats for investing methodically in your physical health (I should probably do the same :P).

At this point the only thing I would do is look for a ballet companion as it doesn’t look as she plan on going. And the other thing is ask for a refund. Not sure why you feel bad asking for money back. You prepaid and she is now gone and isn’t communicating. No point to tell her anything except that since she stopped communicating you need money back. In the future I’d not prepay unless it’s property documented. And there is zero need to explain anything to her about other trainers or uour plans or her actions. Waste of your energy

Yeah I think the other posters are on the right track, I would probably let this continue to go quiet with Leticia, it wasn’t your doing that it went quiet and I don’t think you owe her anything. She of course does owe you the prepaid sessions, but if you’re so minded that she may be under financial pressure and you’re willing to write it off, at least for now, then maybe that’s the best thing.

The balllet, I’d probably get another companion, as you haven’t heard from her.

As for keeping two trainers, if you want to do this I don’t see why not, although it’s possible they might disagree with each other and prefer you to stick to one.

Good luck with your training!

Her being under financial pressure isn’t really your concern. If I prepaid for something, I expect services or money back. Ultimately if she just keeps the money, she is a scammer. If you gave money as a gift, then it’s fine but that’s not what you did

She is not a scammer. And if she truly sells the house, she will have funds. I will ask for a refund.

Find someone else to go to the ballet, she will not be going.

Whatever has occurred with her, I would leave what the relationship was in the past and not contact her again. If she contacts you, then you can possibly explore what happened.

You can ask for a refund of course, but I would also expect that since she did not ask you for prepayment this last time and you offered it to her, you may not end up getting any sort of refund.

Discussing with her the behavior/how to treat customers, etc. - I really wouldn't bother. If she contacts you maybe.

She acknowledged the prepayment and was grateful for it.

So I am curious.....sounds like you paid her in advance even though she didn't ask you to because you did it in the PAST. You also bought a ballet ticket for her even though she never specifically said she could go because you did it in the PAST?

It is more WISE to live in the present, make decisions based on the present than to make assumptions based on the past. Saves a lot of time & trouble. I read a lot of assimptions on your part in all these situations like "oh she will have the money to pay me back when she sells the house". Yes, in theory but maybe not in your reality. Assumptions have ALWAYS gotten me in trouble. I never make assumptions any more. Took one guy to small claims to get my money back for fencing he never did. He never paid the judgment but the judge told me to take it to our DA & he would handle the case because he took the money & gave me nothing in return & that was a felony. I did finally get my money back years later. We need to be wise on a daily basis, not easy but the less assumptions we make the better it is

I asked her whether she wanted to go to the ballet again to celebrate our two years together and she enthusiastically agreed. This was in July. The ballet performance is in October. I asked her three months in advance. At that time I could not have imagined that she still would not return to the Bay Area.

I am very surprised to hear that that would be a felony. Glad to hear that you had your money returned to you. In what state is it a felony?

I think you are extremely nice person to worry that repaying you would put a burden on her. But isn’t it a burden on you to part with probably a significant sum of money? I think if she spent that money, then it’s up to her how to pay it back. And with tickets I also find interesting that you still want to go somewhere with her after she stopped communicating.

I am not saying she is a scammer. She would be one if she didn’t pay you back. At this point she took the money and went underground not giving you heads up how she plans on pay you back or resume sessions. That’s a bit unusual

I don’t think you becoming friends is to blame. Her behavior isn’t very “friend” like.

Now again I don’t know if she is a scammer. But she owes you some type of communication at this point. And no you don’t owe her anything.

It’s a felony if it’s a large amount. It’s not if it’s 50 bucks. Don’t know what state but I know the amount is what determines it, you can’t take large sum of money from someone and then just disappear without providing service. I also think it’s an issue that he was court ordered to pay and he still didn’t. That’s a major issue right there

Quote:

I asked her whether she wanted to go to the ballet again to celebrate our two years together and she enthusiastically agreed. This was in July. The ballet performance is in October. I asked her three months in advance. At that time I could not have imagined that she still would not return to the Bay Area.

Did you give her a specific date to commit to?

"I could not have imagined" is an assumption

Quote:

In what state is it a felony?

It is Ky but the judge said because a check was written & cashed & no goods or service was provided for the money it was a felony. Yes, small claims is good for the first step & showed my intention not to escalate it initially but it could have been considered a felony anyway. Stolen money when money given & no goods or services in return. Lol....he didn't pay that felony judgment & I had to go to back to the court & let them know & a warrent was made for his arrest....then I got my money. Getting money back from people isn't as easy as you wish it was

Yes, I gave her the specific date of Oct 13. It was in mid-July. She committed to Oct 13.

I have already written to one long time friend of mine asking if she'd be willing to go to the ballet.. I have not heard back yet.

You are right. It is a burden on me to part with a significant sum of money. And she has not been behaving the way a friend should. She owes me some type of communication and I owe her absolutely nothing. I am glad that I now have clarity on this point.

I wish I lived near by. Id go with you. I love ballet!!!! Or any theater actually

I wish so too! I love any theater, but ballet is my favorite. Since childhood: I was first taken to the Swan Lake by my grandma and young aunt when I was 5. It was my first time in any type of theater. Later in life, my other grandma who LOOOVED theater and who, as I see now many years after she passed away, had an unrealized dream from her youth of becoming an actress, took me to many performances. I now have a dream that when my son has children, I will also take my grandchildren to theatre performances. I hope you get to do that with your granddaughter.

Absolutely. We try to get them involved. We have a grandson and a granddaughter (we are a blended family). My daughter took my grandson to baby music classes taught by a professional musician when he was a year old lol Not sure what he understood but he seemed to like it. He’s doing some goofy dance moves now and he’s 16 months. Hahah

My first performance was a nutcracker. Also at 5. I was mesmerized. I drew their costumes when we got home. Very vivid memory for me

Mesmerized is exactly the word. I can picture a 5 year old child drawing Nutcracker costumes. I got it about your blended family and that the grandson is on your side and the granddaughter on your husband's side.