Anger problem

My husband has a pretty bad anger problem, when he's frustrated he starts screaming at me and calling me names. This morning the thermostat wasn't working so, even though I was trying to help him, he started with his verbal abuse. It really hurts me when this happens (too often) because I feel powerless and I can't easily shake it off. I'm already depressed and have anxiety and my self esteem is just getting lower every year of this relationship.

I don't really have any money or anywhere to go so I just stay and try and forget about it in between attacks. I'm not really looking for advice because there's not much that can be done, I just need to tell someone. Advice on how to insulate myself from it could be useful though. He has promised to stop doing it but it's not that simple is it?

@SpaghettiLegs I am sorry that you are experiencing verbal and emotional abuse in your relationship. No one should have to go through that.

The problem with verbal and emotional abuse is it is possible for it to escalate into physical abuse. It is difficult to say when enough is enough. That is a highly personal decision you must make. To me physical abuse it is time to get out of there. Not sure which of these might be appropriate, but there are options:
There are a few support sites at the end of this post which is very informative Violence Against Women in the Netherlands: Where to Find Help! | DutchReview

I think that site has better info that I can give for dealing with the outside.

Dealing with the inside, I try not to react. It takes two to Tango so if I do not feed their anger it dies out.

When I can I get away from the angry person "Have to go to the loo. Hold that thought."

Agree with the person no matter what insults they hurl but counter with something you do well.

Remain silent. Focus on something else so you do not have them in your field of vision or look at them peripherally.

Feel your body and try to not stiffen up and feel your feet connected to the ground. This is a much stronger posture.

Not knowing the situation, I only gave things that work for me. Hope you find a way through this situation.

If there is a therapy option in your area or a women's shelter, maybe that would help to have someone to talk to especially if you are scared or feeling worn down by their abusive behavior.

Spend as little time as possible with them and do things that strengthen you during those times like all these are free on youtube: exercise, dance, Adrienne yoga on youtube, 5 Minute Tai Chi on youtube

Keep reaching out here. We care about you. @CANDC

Thank you @CANDC this is all good advice, I appreciate it.

I'm not really looking for advice because there's not much that can be done

Sorry but I disagree. If he verbally abuses you ("too often" as you say), then I would get out of Dodge. I know a lot of people would recommend therapy and counseling and whatever else but I have witnessed couples go through that with little to no effect. And since he sounds like a repeat offender, I'm not sure how much good that would do.

Life is too short to spend with a hostile partner where you feel the need to "insulate" yourself from the problem rather than address it head-on. I wish you nothing but the best and I hope you find peace.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Revenge Tour I'm not really looking for advice because there's not much that can be done Sorry but I disagree. If he verbally abuses you ("too often" as you say), then I would get out of Dodge. I know a lot of people would recommend therapy and counseling and whatever else but I have witnessed couples go through that with little to no effect. And since he sounds like a repeat offender, I'm not sure how much good that would do. Life is too short to spend with a hostile partner where you feel the need to "insulate" yourself from the problem rather than address it head-on. I wish you nothing but the best and I hope you find peace.

I hesitate to give advice like leaving the situation because I do not know the consequences of them leaving. They may end up homeless and be more vulnerable than being in a home just getting yelled at.
I don't know what is best for them. Hope they find a way through this.

Quote:

Originally Posted by SpaghettiLegs Thank you @CANDC this is all good advice, I appreciate it.

I am not sure what you should do but maybe something I shared will help you cope with a very difficult situation.

I'm sorry that you are in this situation, it is a terrible place to be. No one should have to deal with bring treated like that, but unfortunately it's a reality for a lot of people.

The fact that he acknowledges what he does is good in some ways. It means it's not entirely swept under the rug. One thing that might be of some use to you is to learn more about boundaries. This is something I've had to learn about later than a lot of people. Boundaries are not so much about how other people need to treat us as they are about how we'll allow ourselves to be treated. Sometimes a boundary is as simple as removing yourself to a different physical space when the other person behaves inappropriately. It's not always easy, especially when all you really want is to be treated decently by someone who is suppose to be close to you. If that's not a reality though, you don't have to reward them with your acceptance or presence in those moments. There's a lot on YouTube about boundaries, and obviously you have to tailor your approach to what works for you and your situation.

Here's a for you.

@ArmorPlate108 "One thing that might be of some use to you is to learn more about boundaries."

Thanks for your reply. This is a good reminder because I had done a lot of work on boundaries in the last year or so but let it slide recently. I definitely need to make my boundaries clear again because recently I hit a place where I decided to just surrender & accept everything. It was supposed to be something of a holy endeavour to let go and let God but it hasn't worked out too well for my mental health.

My plan now then is to:

Re-establish boundaries

Be assertive (even if my voice is shaking)

Start my exercises again because that makes me feel stronger

Reignite my self-esteem with mindfulness and positive self-feedback

Could you start working on your independence? Maybe have a job or learn some skills maybe you have some family you can reconnect with and live with if need to? If you can’t leave now, I get it but maybe you can start quietly planning

I understand. These are considerations one has to make when facing such challenging circumstances. Yes, the situation could get worse (homelessness and vulnerability to God-knows-what) or it could get better, depending on her support system. I have witnessed abusive relationships and know how toxic things can get.

After reading through this thread, it appears she has a strategy to move forward. I wish her nothing but the best.

Sounds like you have a plan. It's good to accept what you can't change, but it's also okay to make the effort on your own behalf where you do have some power.

Life's not always ideal, but work with what you've got and pray (and look) for those better days on the horizon.

Am I the only one that read that first post and thought...

"Eff that treatment. That's BS."

Seriously. Let's offer some blunt validation. Eff that guy, Eff that type of talk to you, that's BS.

Armorplate gave you a hug. Here's another one.

When my wife would start berating me, something I used to do was affirm, out loud, my positive contributions to our home.

Language and berating begins...

"You know what, I work hard, for all of us. I don't believe in men's work and women's work, and I've always readily looked after household chores and responsibilities with the kids since they were babies. I'm a good father. I'm a good provider. I'm here, and present everyday to contribute to our home."

Do you notice something? There was NOTHING about my spouse in that statement. She would become so enraged and fume when I talked like that. If that happens, recognize it. It says something about your situation if you can't even say something positive about yourself in front of your partner.

Eff that guy. Eff that treatment. That's BS.

As a trades guy who did tons of work on his own house, thanks for trying to help. I'd have been happy to have someone try to help, or offer to hold the light.

RDMercer

I know what you mean @RDMercer and when I was younger I would leave relationships when they were no longer healthy enough to stay but now I'm fifty and have multiple sclerosis. My husband is also sick and I've been taking care of him for the last twelve years, it's very hard to abandon a dependant person even if they treat you badly. (We may be codependent?)

I'm too tired to start over and too tired to fight (so I don't want to enrage him even more). I think my inner fire went out or something, I want to just give up and give in to whatever happens (because I read that suffering is resistance to what is) but I'm still reacting and resisting because I don't want to lose myself or become a broken version of myself and yet in a way that's exactly what I want. The drip, drip, drip of suffering is getting me to a point of just wishing for an all consuming *something* to wipe me out once and for all, but like I say, I still resist and harbour survival tactics.

I understand. I'm not advocating for you to leave. That is a decision you have to make.

I'm actually going to give that statement some deep thought..... Suffering is resistance to what is.

Thank you for that line.

RDM

Good for you. I encourage you to go through these points. You deserve this peace of mind.

I read your last post, too and I didn’t know you had health problems. You are already being very strong.
Also, your husband has health problems. It’s a pity you both are living this situation. It’s possible your husband cope with his health problems worse than you and that’s why he reacts this way you are so far to deserve.
I’m a really pain in the @ss when I’m sick.
I also wish you the best.
Lots of hugs there. 💖💖💖

Hey SpaghettiLegs, I'm kind of in a "stuck" position too, so understand that not all options are always on the table.

If you think you might be codependent, 'Codependent No More' is a good read. Codependency isn't just for alcoholics (which it sounds like you know). In the beginning of the book, she talks about people who heal and thrive, despite living with a disordered person. That was a lot of hope for me, since I needed to heal where I was. Detaching and boundary setting, and other skills taught in codependency have given me back some sense of myself, and improved things a great deal. That's not to say that every day is going to be good, but you can learn to take care of and nurture yourself, and maybe even enjoy yourself, despite living with someone like him. There is hope.

I feel for you.

I'm sending hugs. I feel for you re his anger problem. I've had relatives with that issue Hoping things improve for you

Hi SpaghettiLegs

Just checking in.

I was thinking about that line you shared with me. Suffering is resistance to what is.

Couldn’t hope be resistance to what is?

I haven’t searched for more recent posts. I hope you’re well.

RDMercer

Sorry to hear that. What CANDC said is true. Being homeless would be worse. Especially with kids.

Op, try to get him to see a therapist & definitely get him on medication to reduce hus anger. He needs anger management classes.

Try to not be around him. Get a job when he’s at home. Retail jobs will hire most people. Especially if you have open availability.

I didn’t work for years. I had a few temporary hobs here & there. I finally found a job as a caregiver & it’s easy & low stress.

My husband yells at me less now. We always fought about money. He’s financially controlling too.

Look into something like that maybe. No experience is necessary. It’ll get you out of the house & you’ll have extra money for your kids & yourself.

Have your parents or relatives watch your kids.