My wife is seeing a single male friends (suspicions of emotional cheating)

Dear Users,

I am new to the forum but I hope I do not break any rules when posting this.

I am in a heart and mind breaking situation. I am 34 and my wife is 29 and we are married for three years. We live together.

Straight to the point. My wife is currently being diagnosed for a spectrum of autism. It happened recently (the possible diagnosis). She is seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist.

She has a "friend" who she met on Tinder before we were seeing each other. From what I know the did not want to be together however there was something there. About a year ago he renewed contact and they have been talking ever since. My wife talks with him often.

I have become suspicious since I knew they were talking but she barely mentioned it. Every once in a while I have seen messages popping on her other phone and I saw it was him. Whenever I asked her what she is doing she never mentioned she was speaking with him - it was always somebody else. She was talking with other people at that time but she never mentioned him alongside. I was getting really uncomfortable with it and I did something which I am not proud of but I took her phone and read the messages. I also had acces to her Messenger from my pc. Things were getting dire in our relationship and at one point we kind of agreed to divorce and I moved out. However I must add that I made this decision because she told me to move out. She has autism and sometimes he falls into something called "meltdown" and she told me many times before to move out but it was always in a fight. But this time she was cold as ice and after a walk with the dog she came home and told me to move out. (she blames me that it was my fault and it was my decision to move out because I did it). After moving out we did not speak for about 1,5 months. However after that we were chatting again. I had access to Messenger the whole time and she was talking to that friend very often. However every time when I saw her online at late hours I asked why she's not sleeping. She always told me that it was the dog or because I wrote her but I knew she was talking to the other guy (Which is basically lying).

We got back together after 4 months. I was visiting her before I moved in however I was always the one who did it. She always found an excuse not to come and see my place. (Which hurt me a bit since I was feeling like she didn't care).

After getting together things were going the right way but I was always wary of the other guy. It became so that his girlfriend left him (and terminated their childs pregnancy) and he was single.

Ever since my wife started messaging him it always had some intimate ring to it. They were freely talking about many things including our marriage. My wife presented me always as the bad guy and many times he said some very nasty things about me and told her to leave me. "Screw the guy, leave him", "why are you with that guy anyway", "f*** him, you should be happy". I know my wife showed me as the troublemaker all the time and since he doesn't know me, he knows only what she tells him.

Since my wife probably has autism I kind of take into account the possibility that she does not know that what she says or how she acts may give him an impression that she is flirting with him. From his side it is an obvious flirt (as I see it). Every time they send photos to each other I am not in them even if we are on vacation together. She almost never speaks about something good connected with me and if that happens it's always with a grain of salt. "he kind of tries to be better right now", "we are kind of going for vacation". At least once he told her that "now is better but it will get worse, you will see".

Every time we were out on dinner or going someplace she always text him without mentioning I am there. Only once she sent him our photo when we were on a friend's wedding but it was after "the thing" (I will mention it soon). To that photo he replied that "Do want to scare me with your husband"?.

From my point of view his intentions towards my wife are that he "feels something". He never said it upfront but there are things like "we both know what we want", "you are beautiful". To which my wife never responds (kind of ignores it but then again she does not say anything against it). They met 2 times 5 weeks ago and after that I told her that I have read the messages (the thing). I confronted her about the lies (she was talking with him but told me she didn't) and apart from becoming defensive and outraged she said that it was not a lie but she just didn't say mention him. Meaning she was talking with him and a female friend but she only mentioned her. She also told me I was getting paranoid and he is just a friend and they never had a thing going and they know each other for 5 years (it came to light that they were speaking for a long time which I did not know about - she told me once that there is a friend who is currently in the south pole and showed me a Facebook roll). It was like 3 years ago and apart from that I knew nothing (she justified that by saying that she told me about that friend by showing the roll).

Once the news broke out about me knowing about the messages (which I did by first informing her parents and sister). I made a mistake because I wanted to talk about it at parents place - I know that now, however in my defense I can say that I was so shaken and my hands were trembling that I did not know where to look for help. I showed the messages to her sister right before going to her parents and she said that first "the guy is an idiot" and in her opinion their conversation is not appropriate. Also she said that she is outraged when she saw one of the photos he send. It was a picture of his legs from the waist down when he was laying on the bed. He had no trousers on only pants but his pen** was clearly visible underneath. My wife then send him a photo of her legs but under a duvet.

After my wife came to her parents there was an Armageddon. Even before she came into the apartment her mother told her that I wanted to speak with her to which she instantly responded with "I am not cheating on him!!!". She shouted, slammed the door and left.

After that we did not speak for couple of days. All in all it came back to being routine but I felt that she was really isolated (which I understood). After a few talks she told me that "this is just the way he writes", "that's his style". Only recently she told me that she takes the blame because she showed me as a bad guy "and he only wants me to be happy". It would seem like a good thing however she never does that. She must be always right and all of her family knows that. She never takes the blame for anything.

She told me many times that he is just a friend and she misses her other friend (they had the same kind of relationship and 2 years after we got married he cut contact and is not responding to messages - from my point of view I feel like he was thought of it as more than a friendship - my wife also told me that once they agreed that they will have a platonic relationship) so he is a kind of a replacement because she always had male friends.

I told my wife that I am not comfortable with it. I feel like he is flirting with her and possibly feeling something more. She told me this is ******** and EVEN IF that is true then (we have a saying in polish which goes like) "if the female dog won't let it the male won't get it". I also told her that in my opinion he tries to destroy our marriage. My wife does not see it that way. But then again she kind of acknowledges it when she tells him things like "this relationship we have is weird". I also told her not to write about us and about intimate stuff (we will see how it goes).

So they met twice while I was away - I knew they will be meeting and she said she does it because she does not want to use the time when we are together. But they met at his place, which is hmm ... not appropriate from my point of view. His kid was there (he has one). When I told her I was anxious when I heard about the place of the meeting she told me that "his son was there".

From the messages I read I got the impression that she was hyped when going to see him. And they kept talking about the next time they will see each other.

The next argument was right around the corner due to obvious reasons. I even tried to get her best female friend involved to tell her that it is inappropriate but I feel that my wife only has friends that completely have her side and agree with her on everything so it didn't do any good.

My wife also told that female friend that she could cut the relationship with him only if I did the same in regard to my best friend who is like a brother to me (I know him almost 30 years) and his dad is like a father to me. My wife does not like him because he said some things with which she does not agree (and also talked with one of her female friends "behind her back" and they were talking about us not always in a best way - meaning they were talking that they feel sorry for me). To clarify - she saw her text messages by pure chance when we were on vacation and that friend gave her the phone to show pictures and at that moment my friend texted saying "I could very well join you but she [my wife] is not normal and she keeps me on a leash".

I do not agree with that - some things changed for the better in our relationship - at the beginning my wife was angry when I was going out with male friends for trips - like 2 times a year). She felt like I was abandoning her because my friends are more important than she is.

To the shore. My wife told me that she will not cut this relationship. They have seen each other again recently and they are meeting again as I write this. I always feel like she is hyped when going to see him and again they are meeting at his place. I told her after a recent argument that "alright I will have nothing against it" since I love her a lot and I try to not think about it (which I fail at). The thing that bothers me also is we rarely have sex (she doesn't feel the need, she "could live without sex" but also blames the pills that she takes - anti pregnancy ones). However last time the day before she went to see him she suddenly had the urge to have sex. I see it in two ways. One - it is a sign of an emotional cheating and it suddenly makes her aroused. Two - she wanted to "calm me down" so I will not have anything against her seeing him this time.

She is at his place as I mentioned. She took a car. She very rarely drinks. She texted me if I am ok with her having wine and she will go back for the car in the morning. Just so you know - she never done this before. I could only answer yes because I know if I said no there would be a huge argument with her telling me I am restraining her.

I know that I shouldn't read the messages (which I still do even after they switched to WhatsApp) I also know that I should confront her alone and not at her parents. I know that I talk to much (which you figured by now ) and I am not the best listener because I always have something to tell which annoys her. She told me quite recently that "he understands her and I do not". I told her that marriage is not a piece of cake, there are ups and downs, there is compromise etc. so it easy to say things like that when obviously meeting with a friend is usually nice, you do not argue, you don't have to make dinner, laundry and other normal things (just so you know I also do housework). She said that she can be herself when speaking with him and with me she always has to choose words carefully. FYI she talks many bad and sad things about a lot of people almost never confronting them. I guess it is also due to autism that she has no ... moral brakes. She can say anything about anyone (even lying to me that she cheated on me) which is quite frightening. When she is angry she has no respect for anyone including her family. But then again you are not angry when meeting a friend.

Autism is a big factor here and unfortunately can also be a very good excuse "I do not see it that way", "he did not mean anything by saying that", "I did not acknowledge this".

Everything here is from my point of view obviously that is why I try to stick to facts conversations/actions.

Please tell me how you feel about it? Am I too suspicious? Do I project things that aren't there? Am I just jealous and can't live with that? Do I see it all through "emotional cheating" lenses and it affects my judgement too much?

Please help.

Hi @Isirus - welcome to MSF. I am sorry things are uncertain and rocky with your wife.

Have you considered getting a therapist for yourself to try to help you get an objective view on what is happening and how to deal with your wife and be true to yourself?

Hope you get the support you are looking for. @CANDC

I am not clear about the picture he sent her, with his penis (erect?) showing through underwear. Is that part of what she refers to when she says "this is just the way he writes", "that's his style""??

It’s been only three years and it’s already that difficult. It gas no where to go but downhill. Not sure why stay married

Let's forget whether it's emotional cheating or not.

You have told her multiple times that a friendship she has makes you uncomfortable and she minimizes it, hides it and will not stop the relationship.

That's enough. What you want/need is not respected. Get a divorce, this will not get better. The entire time you've been together is endless drama, push/pull. Go no contact.

You both seem to have some major communication issues.

Do you believe she is cheating on you? From what you write, it does not seem to be the case, which she keeps telling you. Yet, you violate her privacy by checking her private messages(!), you talk about her to her sister and family(?!). These are not trustworthy behaviours. In this sense, you are as bad as she is: she speaks badly of you to him but you (and your friend) do the same - you speak badly of her to her friends/family AND you do not have a diagnosis of autism to justify this behaviour (because you use autism as the justification for how *she* functions)

You do seem to have *a lot* of mistrust and question everything, even her low libido, which you take personally.

I agree that this guy might be interested in her sexually (that photo he sent was inappropriate) but it also seems that she is not interested in him sexually and is not flirting with him. It seems she needs someone she can talk to because - in your own words, you are *not* a good listener and she feels that she cannot talk to you.

Couples counselling might help you both hear one another and understand one another (especially with regards to her autism and what that means) because there does not seem to be much trust nor healthy communication in this relationship.

When you reside in a space that is this dysfunctional where both parties are talking in another space not shared by the other, its time to ask yourself why you remain. We can all jump in from your assessment and pick a perspective on who is being more irresponsible here, but at the end of the day, that's not the remedy to your problem. Neither of you recognize the relationship as honest or respectful to the other. And why should it since both of you only see each other just to read the temperature in the room and then go back to your respective corners to talk about it to others. Neither one of you have a relationship here. There's a kind of co-dependency going on that wants to tolerate this broken bond that should have ended a long time ago. I think you need to be honest with yourself and quit looking for any more signs besides the ones on fire all around you. Just having another person in a space is not a relationship. Its just a place card for not wanting to be alone, so you tolerate the ramifications of not looking at life honestly. I think you need to re-evaluate the importance of your own life and understand you can stand alone and be much happier.