Something scary something new again

Hi
I have been married for 18 1/2 years and blessed with some miraculous children in the last 11 years. I have given everything of myself, fully devoted, to my wife and children.
There have been hardships. My wife suffered from bad depression and horrible anxiety. Majority of the time it would even cause her paralyzing physical pain and force her into bed before I even got home from work most days.
Over the last 11 years I have found myself working all day only to come home and continue to work. Cooking dinner, clean up, bath time, and putting all the kids to bed. This became a daily routing that just got added onto even more as our children continued to grow and start school. Prepping lunches, school drop off, helping with homework and school projects you name it and I did it daily. Still do. My wife did do some but only things she cares to and felt benefits from. Like taking the kids shopping all the time. If she wasn’t doing what she wanted or enjoyed then she was straight in bed. I can’t even recall one time in the past where she has helped one of them with their homework.
I even brought her diners to her in bed while the kids and I ate at the table. Now this wasn’t a constant 100% of the time but I would say 90% of the time. I love my wife like no other man could imagine. I have never screamed at her, never called her a bad or even negative word, never even laid an hand on her in anger. I have endured and sacrificed so much for her. Supporting her and encouraging her through all her battles of depression and anxiety. (And I don’t mean supporting her financially. I mean mentally, physically, and assurance.
Over the years things got rocky. She lost her sex drive, all my work started to become an expectation. I started to feel undesired, unappreciated, and a not good enough failure. Eventually I became resentful.
I did my best to bury my resentment and keep it hidden but it ended up turning me into a negative person in my heart. I hid it very well but it would bleed through sometimes by my lack of excitement.
Stress off it all also stated to get to me and I chose the unhealthy easy ways to cope with it. Like a little extra wine and vaping. The drinking was never concerning since I still kept it limited and don’t care to drink to the point of being drunk. Just enough to relax my nerves. I’ve honestly actually been drunk less than 5 times our entire marriage.
The vaping I was very shameful about and kept hidden. I did this for almost 2 years while telling myself I would stop it and quit. I was not able to do so until she found out. And everything changed. She was so hurt that I kept it hidden and then lost all trust in me.
I also had a mental breakdown from everything I was taking on. I was working 2 jobs one full time the other part and still trying to take on everything at home when I got there to give her a break. Eventually I just broke and starting begging for my life to end. I never would have harmed myself but I was more than ready to just let the Lord take it.
Fast forward two more years and just as her trust is coming back I made another BIG mistake. Remember when I said she had lost her sex drive. Well, after years of begging for intimacy and constantly being rejected and deprived and feeling even more and more undesired. I had given in and downloaded a porn app. I did look at it for less than a minute and felt guilty so I closed it and told myself maybe later. I should have just deleted it but it didn’t.
A few days went buy and I almost forgot that I had it on my phone. Well she picked up my phone and found it. The trust was broken again but even worse. She tells like she can never trust me again and has convinced herself that I have even cheated on her now. Honest truth is that the porn has been the worst of it.
I understand she feels betrayed by the porn and I am not excusing it. I was weak, it was wrong, and I did make a mistake.
With all her anxiety over the years and the fact that she has no coping skills; she was never able to get past even the slightest imperfections and innocent mistakes that take place in everyday life. She eventually has allowed any little memory in turn resurface and festered on it. Her parents shielded her so much from the slightest thoughts of pain, fears, traumas, that she was never given the chance or opportunity to develop and learn how to cope and move through even the slightest stressful situation.
So now with all that built up she has now filed for divorce. She is trying to kick me out of our home and gain full custody of the kids and trying to add a verbal understanding of “letting” me see them 50/50. She comes from a family of money and has always been spoiled by first her parents and then me. Expect I don’t come from money. I make an ok living but nothing great. Her parents gave her the money she wanted to hire an attorney and file. I have no money for an attorney and am fearful of loosing my kids. I am trying everything to make a way possible that truly holds their best interest in place and allows both of us to be present for them 100% of the time that they are used to outside of our jobs.
She is being very vindictive and unwilling to compromise. She is attacking it all as her way or the highway. In reality sense she is still a child herself with little parental skills and definitely doesn’t have any understanding of how to handle any serious important issues with the children when it comes to their development.
Her answer to anything and everything stressful or traumatic is shopping. Making her also very financially immature. Even her way of how to break this horrible news to our children that will impact their lives and future is to say something short and sweet and say that this will be better for them because we would “both” be giving them 100% focus and the take them out for a fun weekend full of ice cream, fun and games. That literally is with no exaggeration.
Of course we have not told them yet because I was unwilling to agree with that. She doesn’t understand that this is a big change that needs to allow the the opportunity to absorb and ask questions and be allowed to express their emotions of it all. Not that I feel it should be dragged out but allow the ability of it while providing comfort. I also don’t get her thought of both of us giving the 100% focus. I have always been 100% focused on them. That isn’t changing from me.
Anyway as of now I am crying everyday for my children, heartbroken over losing my best friend and feeling completely lost, alone, and up against a loosing battle since I can’t afford an attorney. I need to file a response with the courts by this week or I literally lose it all. I have done my best to do it all properly but I’m afraid. Only other option is to come up with $5k to get an attorney on retainer to give me a fighting chance. All of my income goes towards the mortgage, bills and household expenses leaving me with nothing extra.
She works from home and her income can be good sometimes but it is extremely inconsistent and not full time.
Even through all this and her extremely mean behavior towards me during all this I still miss and love her so much.
Now I pretty much cry myself to sleep, on the pullout couch, every night if I sleep at all. I may get an average of 3 hours of sleep lately.
I am here cause I truly feel and am alone. With all my devotion to work and my family I never really made time to make friends or even have a life outside of that.
I’m hoping I can find others that can relate and provide useful advice and comfort and maybe even friendship.
Sorry this got so long.

I am so very, very sorry that you are in that unhappy situation. How heartbreaking.

To be facing so many tragedies and potential tragedies is terrible. I wish I knew what to say to help. Sadly, I can't even imagine what I would do if I was in your shoes. The complexity of the situation is bewildering, and I have trouble finding solutions to even simple problems.

Hopefully other members here with more similar experiences will see your post and share their insights with you. I feel bad that I am lacking in insight here.

This Forum has helped me a lot with my distress and I hope you will lean on us here so you are not all alone with your distress. I lived before there were computers and when one was alone and in distress there were limited options especially if money was tight. Sorry again that you are suffering so!

First you sound like a saint, keep your head up my bother. No man is perfect not any of us never any man was but also no person is perfect no woman so when you're criticized by your wife don't let it get you down, you sound like someone I'd be happy to be friends with. And I know what you're feeling I've been there, 20 years ago now. If I can give you advice, grab ahold of yourself every day and remind yourself or drill Sargent yourself if needed that you are A WONDERFUL AMAZING MAN! And remember the bravest thing a man can do is use his power to be kind.

Your wife's behavior is so strikingly similar to my ex wife's have you contacted a skilled psychologist who is familiar with personality disorders? I am not suggesting she has a personality disorder but that her behavior is remarkably consistent with what my ex's disorder is.

Have you asked her for a 30 minute meeting in the presence of a professional mediator to discuss the possibility of your staying together? Have you met with a marriage counselor?

Finally in my experience my #1 course of action was to keep strong, that was not at all an easy task, the idea was: to be a good father to my kids I needed to be strong within my self and devoid of animosity towards their mother (which was a HUGE herculean task for me) a psychologist told me "reason is your most important asset").

Just posting your words was a brave step! Hang tight and remember you're not alone many of us other guys are right there with you. God Bless.

Well. There it is the truth. We told the kids tonight cause she kept pressuring that they needed to know cause they could sense something was off. They weren’t sensing anything.
The truth of wanting to tell the kids so badly for her was only to announce to the world that she is available.
In the middle of the kids crying she couldn’t wait to pick up her phone to change her “relationship status” and announce it with a post making it about the kids. She seriously picked up her phone while holding our youngest to focus on changing her relationship status.
They are seriously crying and trying to hold us and she was more intent on announcing it. She new she couldn’t announce it sooner and risk it leaking to the kids from any other random comment to the kids from someone else. Her telling the kids was all about her.
😭 the 11 year old and 8 year old begged us to try and work it out and not do it. Begged non stop for over an hour.
They kept asking why we won’t try? Why we won’t even try for them? I didn’t want to throw her under the bus and say I’m willing to but mommy doesn’t want to. So I just bit my tongue and stayed silent 🥲💔😔 my heart is so broken for may babies

My heart breaks for you badly. But you’re at a serious crossroads in your life and now is the time for you to hear some straight perspective on how you got here. “Love” is a powerful label we blanket ourselves in to do things that are not always the rational thing to do. But we make those choices all in the name of this label because we think that sacrifice is our calling that illustrates our dedication. Here’s the problem…You forgot to love yourself in that standard. Instead you desperately sought to keep this idea of family alive by constantly shouldering more responsibility instead of turning to your spouse and making sure she shared her portion.

I know people that profile allot like the description of your wife. They’re geared towards seeking attention, because unfortunately they were poorly raised and are conditioned to get what they want when they throw a fit. And of course as they get older, that manipulation manifests itself into all sorts of creative “issues” that are always present to elude responsibility and make them feel immune to accountability. They do this by stating YOU’RE supposed to be “understanding” and feel sorry for them. Anything less and you’re an instant villain to be shamed for your “insensitivity” and selfish position to not think about them first (regardless of everything else you already do).

So NOW is the time to fight for yourself and those kids. Got a house? Okay. Go get yourself a reputable attorney, use the house as collateral or take out a loan against it and put the same kind of dedication you’ve shown in the past to fight this cancer who has used and abused you. Something tells me you won’t have much of a fight on your hands about her sharing the kids. The last thing she wants is to actually perform all the work. Of course knowing her kind, she would shame her parents into taking over your role. Stand your ground. Fight for yourself and those kids. There’s your standard. Quit worrying about her and her veiled threats; because that’s what she always counted on to get her way.