Drama in my social scene

So, I am learning my way around socially while being alone and single these days.

My ex husband isolated me from a social life for five years, and now that we are divorced, I am branching out all on my own, learning my way around a larger social scene, making new friends, but also running into some drama.

A new-ish friend is the one I wish to write about here. She is transgender (she used to be male). She and I became friendly through my divorce process over the last year. We had lunch 1:1 on two separate occasions. But that to me did not mean that we are close friends. Otherwise, we would bump into each other at music events and would have some conversation. I still did not consider us "best friends" or even close friends. More like acquaintances getting to know each other better. However, I've heard from other people that she considered us to be "great friends" and "best friends".

This person is stirring up a lot of conflict with many different people, including myself.

Not too long ago, she approached me when she saw me hanging out with a new guy. She told me she hates him and why. She claims that he had date raped a girlfriend of hers, and that several women in fact have complaints about him.

Well, I had heard very differently about this date rape situation, so I decided to proceed with him, but with extreme caution.

The alleged date rape victim wants to still hang out with her alleged perpetrator and continues to contact him repeatedly. She even asked if she could crash on his couch one night, and she wanted to hang out with us one weekend, all of us together. He had said no.

So, my new-ish acquaintance got angry with me as soon as she saw a photo of me and this guy together on Facebook at a music festival. She confronted me, then decided to write about me TWICE publicly on Facebook, when I had explicitly said for her to address any issues with me privately.

After this guy and I broke up this week, I contacted her to let her know this, but also to address her public posts about me.

And, she was completely unapologetic!

She had the nerve to tell me that she is NOT sorry for posting about the situation because SHE needed and wanted support over it, and that that took precedence over my need and expressed desire to handle things privately!

So I told her that she violated my boundary and disrespected me. I said that it was very selfish of her to place her need for support over my desire for privacy. She did not care. I also said it was a very immature thing for her to do. She is over 55 years old. She needs support on Facebook? Why not call a good friend and talk on the phone instead??????

Well, she is losing friends left and right and has been alienating herself from our whole community. She even got herself kicked out of a campground at a festival this past summer because she was creating conflict with so many different people.

And, now this includes myself as well.

I do NOT like conflict and I hate confrontation.

But in this situation, I confronted her and I stood up for myself.

I told her that it was unacceptable to post about me and this situation with this guy on Facebook, against my wishes and desires for privacy. I said it was selfish, self serving, and immature. Then I blocked her.

I bet she's now probably posting publicly about THIS incident!

I will have to see her around my social scene, and I do not wish to see her at all or even speak with her ever again.

This same person punched a wall outside at one music venue because her ex had shown up. And, every show I've been to with this woman, she is always angry and seething about someone or something having offended her. She is ALWAYS angry!!!!

She's taking hormones, which could be messing with her head, I do not know. But given all the drama I've heard that she's stirring up, something is going on with her.

The last thing I want is to alienate myself from my own social scene or from anyone in my scene. However, I'm guessing she's going to go blab about this to everyone she knows, creating negativity and spreading her poison.

What can I do, if anything? Just go about my business, not speak about it to anyone and let it go?? What if she IS posting about me on facebook again? She's blocked me, so I cannot tell.

Argh., I truly truly truly hate drama.

There are many people in my social scene who have good intentions, who are kind and loving people who only spread positive energy within the community. Then there are a few haters as well, who spread their negativity and poison and who have dark, negative energy around them. My transgender friend is the latter.

I learned yesterday that she did the same exact thing to another woman who is the sweetest person in the world. She posted publicly about a conflict they had had, once again, spreading negative energy and negative vibes, saying she was right and this sweet woman is totally wrong. She even named names this time.

She is out of control. She is alienating everyone in our community and social circle and it's getting really out of hand.

I still cannot believe that she told me HER need for community support around me was far more important than my request for handling issues privately. She is sick, I do believe.

Now, I've been sexually accosted this week at a music venue by a so-called friend of mine. I was alone outside smoking, and he came out and aggressively kept trying to kiss me, despite me saying "no" repeatedly. I kept ducking away from his advances, but he was being forceful and wouldn't stop. I finally was able to get away and went back inside. I reported the incident to the bouncer who told me there are cameras outside and that he would speak with the owner about it. They can ban him, if they can see the incident on camera. I was shaken up, to say the least.

I go to these venues alone most times, meeting up with acquaintances and friends I have in my social circle. I left right after this incident occurred.

I had to take half a day off of work yesterday as a direct result. I am waiting to hear back from the manager on this incident.

UGH. WTF.

Wow. That is so gross and disgusting that he would do that. Have you ever taken women's self defence training? I have. Glad that you managed to break away and get away from him. I hope he gets banned.

It is gross and disgusting. He's married with a five year old child! No, I have not taken self defense classes. Management replied to me last night. asking when can we talk. I said this afternoon. So, hopefully they caught it on camera and can ban him.

I hope they ban him.

It was actually really fun taking women's self defence and I do recommend it. There are some ways to stop an attack that don't require you to hit someone or hurt them, as long as it hasn't gone too far. Most women's self defence classes incude verbal and non-verbal types of defence. A good one will teach you how to avoid getting into a situation where you need to get physical, but will also give you the skills to use violence if you need to.

Thanks @Samicat.

I have a call today at 3 PM with the club owner and manager to discuss what happened. Hopefully they will ban him.

And....

Sat night I ran into a semi-friend of mine. I would call her a more distant friend/acquaintance. We've spoken on the phone a few times during my abusive marriage. She provided support to me regarding the abuse, even while on my honeymoon. But we have not hung out 1:1 ever, and I only see her at music events, where we do have conversations from time to time.

However, over the years that I've known her, this woman I find to be very hot and cold towards me and sometimes harsh with her words. We are on different pages and are of a different class of people. She has an edge about her and has no filter.

So the other night, I ran into her and we were talking. She said something that I took offense to. She compared my work to another woman's work, and she told me "you're inspiring, yet this woman is REALLY INSPIRING". I tool offense, and felt like it was a put down... why compare my work to another woman's work? Why couldn't she have said, "you're inspiring, and so is this person, have you met her?"

So, I got upset. I tried to approach her husband about it, but he got mad at me for approaching him about this, he became visibly agitated and very excitable, so I walked away from him, telling him I am walking away. He said that is best.

She then approached me to talk after I had tried to talk to her husband. She said, first of all, do NOT go to my husband to discuss anything about her... to approach her about it directly. Ok, fair enough. So I told her, look, I took offense to what you said, and then confronted her about sometimes being harsh and very hot and cold. Her reply was that I was being confrontational, and then she accused me of always wanting to "talk" when drinking. Admittedly, I was tipsy while trying to discuss this with her, but I was being calm and also very direct. She admitted that several people have told her this, so it's not the first time someone has observed and reflected this behavior back to her.

The next morning, I sent her husband an apology message as well as to her for upsetting her. Her husband gave my message a heart, while she did not bother to reply, even though I saw that she had read my message early in the morning.

I was trying to smooth things over by being the bigger person and by extending an olive branch to both of them, separately.

So, once again, I am insulted by her behavior. The decent thing to have done is to give me the courtesy of a reply, AND an apology in return for insulting me and hurting my feelings. I had said in my note that I hope she and I are OK, after talking last night.

I am chalking this up to the fact that she and I are on very different wavelengths, and that she is not the calibre of person I wish to truly be friends with and associate with. She lacks class, in my opinion.

So, I am just simply going to avoid her in social scenes and will not converse with her anymore. That's my decision. She is an acquaintance that I do not care for... I do not appreciate hot and cold behavior nor do I appreciate insults and comparisons. Comparison is the thief of joy. I take a lot of pride in my work, I work hard, and I have a substantial following of people who appreciate my work. So, she can just go suck it, along with anyone else who feels the need to cut me down.

People are really ignorant about how much bravery and creative effort it takes to put yourself out there by publishing your words online. I was really impressed by your happiness presentation. People who don't take those kinds of creative risks really have no place to judge, especially considering these things are highly subjective. What resonates with one person may not resonate as fully with another. But people love to rate things - movies, books, etc. It's just that - one person's opinion. Someone might give a movie a 9/10 rating and someone else gives it a 6/10. But these numbers mean nothing without a consideration of several factors - the difficulty of the subject, the author's own background, the challenges presented to the reader's/viewer's prejudices, and so on. For instance nobody who is a racist is going to give a good review to a movie about racism.


My grandfather (who I never met) apparently used to say "Comparisons are odious." I agree. He was trained as a visual artist although sadly gave up painting after being a soldier in WW1, apparently due to the horrors he witnessed.

Don't let the turkeys get you down. Even the most praised people in our society get that kind of crap. I've stopped giving most people (including family) the links to my published short stories because unless they normally read short fiction they really don't understand or appreciate it. But should someone's uninformed opinion bother me, once my story has been bought by a professional editor who got 1,000 other submissions that month?


Not at all. And that's how much credence you should give her. None at all.

@Samicat, thanks so much and you're absolutely right! Her opinion really doesn't matter, and that's the viewpoint I need to adopt.

She also has a limited view into my work and hasn't seen the whole scope. She also conveyed that a reason why this other woman's work is SO much more inspiring is because that woman has been through hell in life and bounced back, stronger and more positive than ever.

So, I became very defensive when I was speaking to her about this. I told her, you know, I've also been through a shi*tload of crap in my life too, but I don't make it public knowledge because i'm a very private person. No one knows the hell I've gone through over many years because I don't discuss it. She told me she wasn't aware of that.

I wish I hadn't become so defensive, but I felt like I had to defend myself.

She also has no idea that I put all my heart and soul into my work... the blog I developed, the 55 articles I've personally written for my blog, my facebook fan page, and the workshop I created and led. That's why I was so insulted. I care a lot about the work I am doing, and I give it all of my efforts, heart, and caring.

And thanks so much re: my workshop. I spent hours preparing it & put a lot of thought into it. This particular woman did not attend, so she had no insight into the material or even how it went over with the audience.

I admit I am bitter over her comment. I will try to not let it get to me for too long, but it did get to me. It was a deep cut I felt, and I have no idea why she felt the need to cut me down.

I do know that her negative behavior says everything about her, and nothing about my work or me. I know this. And that's how I have to view it. I am trying...

It's hard not to let things like that get under your skin for sure. I was watching a stoic writer, Ryan Holiday, on YouTube - he is incredibly successful and has written several bestselling books about stoicism. There are ALWAYS a few people in his comments saying nasty things and honestly it amazes me. Someone even called him a "braggart" which mystified me because he's pretty clear that he promotes a philosophy from ancient times, not one he just made up.

I think a lot of it is jealousy. So yeah - if someone like him still gets crap from some people, it really is just that people can be petty and there is no need to give them a second of our mental space.

WOW - amazing. Yes, people can be very petty, and yes, often it stems from jealousy.

I had told this woman that I lost 20 pounds. Maybe she's envious of that. I have no clue.

She still has not replied to my apology message. She did not apologize yet in return, which would have been the right thing to do. She hasn't. Very petty. Very small. Not my style.

You know people can present themselves in allot of different ways. And sometimes you run into individuals who think labels make them immune to accountability. In short, they're full time crybabies who judge the world while they think they should get a fulltime pass to act the fool. I would not cater to this person or make efforts to understand that person's issues when they've gone to great lengths to disrespect you. Do with this person like you would anyone who is disrespectful and walk away. There's never a good reason to reward and/or understand ignorant behavior.

Thank you!!!

I have walked away from this person, and from another person who also recently disrespected me. I am holding them accountable for their treatment of me, I am setting limits and boundaries, and I have let them know that I am walking away - both people. I will not tolerate disrespect. I am learning to show myself far greater self-love and self-care. Self care can involve walking away.

This woman posted yet again about me yesterday on Facebook!!! My girlfriend had posted a pic of the two of us together at a show. So this woman commented on our photo, saying that this is the reason why she is steering clear of the music scene, meaning, I am the reason why she is steering clear.

So, I've had it. I made a public post in response, calling her out on her behavior and on her bullying. I took a stand and stood for myself. I will not tolerate her toxicity any longer!

A nice thing happened - I received a lot of support after I made my public post about this person bullying me. Friends and acquaintances reached out individually by pm to check in on me, and many others commented on the post, providing their support. It feels good to feel so supported within my social scene. I hope my post makes a difference and that this woman catches wind of it through someone. She blocked me, so she cannot see my post herself.

UGH - I ran into the woman who recently insulted my work last night. For some very odd reason, I gave her a kind look as we passed each other, and she very grumpily said hello without a smile and kept walking.

What can I do? She insulted me, I got my feelings hurt, I spoke up and told her husband that it's not OK and that I will keep my distance from her.

You cannot get along with everyone, that's for sure, and not everyone is going to click with your personality or even like you. And I have to be OK with this fact within my larger social scene and social circle. Everyone in this group all gives each other hugs when they see each other, and I do too, but there's now a few select people (all women mind you!) that I must avoid due to conflicts and personality clashes. So be it. I cannot be liked by everyone nor do I have to like and hug everyone in this group. It's not realistic. There's bound to be some sour grapes in every crowd, and unfortunately, I'm bumped up against several sour grapes. And that's how I view these people who have been giving me trouble. They are sour people, and I am not.

I broke up with a hurtful gf today. She continuously blows me off, she doesn’t reply to messages, she’s completely unreliable to make plans with and I keep getting hurt and disappointed. I told her outright that I’m done with being hurt and disappointed. So I ended our friendship and wished her well.