ended relationship with someone due to religion, need some people to talk to

Hello everyone. I'm here for a bit of perspective and also to vent.

I just lost my relationship with someone all due to the rules of her church. My partner is a member of a specific church, it isn't a church that believes in the traditional christian teachings.

This church has various rules such as requiring their members to attend service 2x a week, etc.. one of their rules is that their members are forbidden to have relationships with non-members otherwise they can face ex-communication.

Anyway, the relationship I had with her was a very healthy one. We were happy, in love, all that stuff but the religious differences became a growing issue. I tried discussing my concerns and sharing resources about her church's teachings, but it led to a debate with her minister. It turns out this church discourages members from questioning their teachings, they are raised to believe in what their ministers say. They have full faith in them.

To cut the story short. She decided to remain loyal to her church and since I refused to convert she decided to cut communication with me.

During the no-communication phase, I was pressured to convert, as if her only condition for resuming communication was my conversion. In an attempt to be fair, I visited her church, attended their services, and engaged in their initiation process. This process required a 25-day lesson, followed by an oath and contract signing before baptism. However, I could only last six days and couldn't convert.

We eventually regained communication, but it didn't last long, as the topic resurfaced. I lost my temper and started to argue. Now, I'm feeling deeply depressed and frustrated. Part of me wants to send a letter to express my feelings - get things off my chest. I don't want her to believe that this relationship ended simply due to incompatibility, which she says it is, but the reality is it's all because of her churches teachings. For me, it's crucial that she doesn't view her actions as honorable, considering that the primary reason for our situation was the threat of excommunication from her church. I'm struggling to decide whether to maintain silence or exercise my right to express my feelings, even though it wouldn't be the first time I've done so.

Anyway, i guess this is what drives me to post here about this.

I’m very sorry you experienced this challenge. Unfortunately both religion and political beliefs can cause problems in relationships.

IMHO no one should be forced to change their beliefs for a relationship be it friend or romantic partner. Not healthy for any relationship.

It’s understandable you are experiencing deep disappointment.

Hi @randomposterdude I am sorry that your relationship met challenges that were not resolved. That must be difficult for you.

I find that it helps to be in a relationship where both people have similar beliefs but even those can change over time. Another option is where both people are open to the other person having a spiritual path that is unique and possibly different.

It sounds like these options were not available with that church and so it seems like the situation is very difficult to deal with.

I have had many angry incidents but there is hope as I learn to detect the warning signs and avert those thoughts from taking over. It is a work in progress for many years, but everyone can progress at different rates.

I hope you get the support you are looking for. @CANDC

I am sorry you are struggling.

For many people religious beliefs are a big foundation for a relationship and marriage, especially if they want to raise children. It’s not uncommon for people to date and marry within their faith. In addition being excommunicated from one’s religious institution means a lot to some people. It’s not something they take lightly.

Of course you have rights to express your feelings on the matter but she also has rights to not date outside of her faith.

I am not sure why it’s crucial for you that she knows she’s not an honorable person? How do you define what’s honorable? You don’t think people have rights to have preferences in a dating partner? Everyone has them. For her it’s having the same faith. For others it’s something else. It’s hard but that’s how it goes. Not every relationship is going to work out

That’s a difficult situation.

As hard though it is ultimately it sounds like she’s made this choice to stick with this church. So really this is about respecting that decision although it’s not one you’re happy with or agree with (understandably).

She’s honoring her own values, which are incompatible with yours.

So the relationship ending due to incompatibility is quite accurate.

If you send any communication trying to correct or explain your side, it wouldn’t be surprising if she trashcans it. Relationship is over, no need for her to read it.

When you say her decision isnt honorable, what you are really trying to say is that she is wrong and you are right, and that you do not respect her decision.

Honestly, i dont agree much with organized religions. I do not care to hand over my decision making process to a bunch of people i consider inferior to my intellect and my honesty. So basically, i agree with you more than i agree with her.

So - why would you want to commit your life to hers? She is not worthy of you. Her religion thinks you are not worthy of them. Maybe you dodged a bullet. Find somebody who accepts you. Life is hard enough without this stuff.

I visited her church, attended their services, and engaged in their initiation process. This process required a 25-day lesson, followed by an oath and contract signing before baptism.

If that isn't a red flag, I don't know what is. I would have gotten out of Dodge ASAFP.

It does sound like a cult but trying to get the last word in and say that she’s not honorable is an elitism view. Just walk away and find someone else who is more compatible.

I understand how you feel but there is no point in any continuous communication to her. Just think to yourself every morning when you wake up "I have dodged a bullet."

How do you feel now about the fact that you spent six days in her church's pre-conversion program?

Don't worry about convincing her that she's dishonorable. You don't need to do that. Your lady-friend is part of a faith-group that practices cult-like mind control. They don't want her with you. She has decided to accept the control of this group. If you are not interested in having this group and its minister all up in your business, then you may have to just accept that this relationship cannot be maintained at this time.

You certainly have the legal right to vent in a letter to her. It's not always good to do something, even though you have a right to. She has a right to be loyal to this group. She has a right to decide that the religious difference between you is too great for her. Do the standup thing, and exit gracefully.

Of course this is frustrating. You tried to meet her half-way, but it does not sound like you would be happy in this church group. I know I wouldn't be. If she was raised by parents who were part of this religion, then she may be there to stay. If this is a group she joined as an adult, then she may eventually become disillusioned with it and drop out. Maybe, step back, and see what happens. You and her don't need to become defensive toward each other. You both have the right to your preferences. Try to part without rancor. You'll be glad of that down the line.

You definitely dodged a bullet.

In my experience, religious compatibility is vital to a relationship. Spiritual beliefs are, for many people including myself, an essential part of who we are. It should never be changed just to please somebody else. Which means that she shouldn't be expecting you to convert, but then neither should you be expecting her to renounce. The problem is, indeed, incompatibility. Both of you have a relationship (with yourselves and your own convictions) that matters more than the relationship you might have had with each other.

That sign-a-contract-before-baptism thing sounds scary, by the way.