Break up with possible attachment disorder difficulties

Hi all, First time poster here… Feels good to have found this place.

As my title says, I’ve recently had a break up with a lady (61) (me M 62), closing in on one month ago. For some reason, I’m still feeling the need to write, and this will likely be a long story. Sorry… :-)

We met at the end of April, and it fell into place quickly. Both of us connected profoundly, and pretty much almost right from the get go, we declared that we had never met anybody that seemed as similar. We are both very shy, introverts, and both considered ourselves oddballs… We seemed to bond over that almost instantly.

Things seemed almost idyllic for about the first two months, until problems started to arise. She started to become a little bit cranky and cantankerous. Not terribly, but I noticed the change.

She ended up revealing to me that she had been on Prozac for many years, and had been feeling really good, so she was trying to taper off, so she believed it may have been messing with her mood, which made complete sense.

The next month started to show plenty of inconsistencies and red flags… She didn’t like a whole bunch of things about who I am, and after about the third month, she even broke down as we were lying in bed late one night, and began crying and sobbing, that she was the happiest she has ever been with me, but she could not reconcile that I am different than what she was raised to believe would be who she would end up with. She said she was very confused and didn’t know what to do about it.

For example, the first conversation we had was about me, not being religious. She had concerns, but seem to get over them. A few weeks later, this big conversation came up about me having long hair for a man, and how her high status profession has certain standards, and she’s worried that her colleagues might ask her questions or judge her for my appearance. Next, it was that I am virtually broke and barely making ends meet from month to month, whereas she is at the highest level of her career, and a high earner. She also was worried that I was not going to be able to take the vacations that she wants to take when she retires soon, and that we may not be able to live the lifestyle that she had worked hard and dreamed about.

Those problems alone might seem like dealbreaker’s, and after that, I really lost a lot of emotional trust and safety with her, although I loved her.

She said she was going to see a therapist that she hadn’t seen in a while later that week, just to talk to her about it. A week later, she said she was fine hit come to terms with all of those things, and things went back to normal fairly quickly. Or so it seemed.

Over about the next month, her behavior began declining even more… It wasn’t over the top terrible, but she would be snappy with me, and sometimes direct negative energy and hostility toward me. I was very triggered by it and didn’t respond, well, but held it together, and never aimed it back at her.

Then, at the beginning of our fifth month, after we hadn’t seen each other, for a few weeks, we had a glorious few days, but it ended terribly with her snapping at me, and getting annoyed at things that really had little value.

That night, on the way home in the car, I told her that I was not ok with that kind of of negative energy, and that our relationship would become toxic if we couldn’t find a way to not bark at each other like that. She really didn’t say much for the half an hour conversation, other than she knew she could sometimes be a jerk, and that maybe that’s why her relationships hadn’t been working out… But she also said that she wouldn’t be snappy like that if I hadn’t done the things I had done… Etc. etc. No accountability, or no real empathy toward what I was saying. Mostly silence.

Later, she told me that she felt targeted, but agreed that we should keep working on these things, even though I secretly thought she would probably want to break up with me after that. By the way, I believe I am thoroughly anxious avoidant, but more anxious than avoidant.

To try to abbreviate this long story, I didn’t see her for another three weeks because of logistics, and then, when she returned from being away, she invited me up to her house, at which point, I made her a nice meal, she gave me a few gifts that she bought while she was away, then, very strangely, sat me down and told me that she needed to break up with me.

She said it was because of living too far away from each other, 1.25 hours (it was always her that had difficulties with maintaining a schedule, and I always told her I’d be up there, almost anytime she wanted me to come), and she also said that she was breaking up because I couldn’t afford the expensive vacations she wanted, even though we had started talking about one that we could’ve gone on over the holidays… But that conversation stalled. And then, she told me that she was breaking up because we were only end up getting annoyed with each other all the time.

I only spent a couple of minutes, trying to talk with her about what she was saying, until I quickly packed my things and left, wishing her farewell. She asked me if we could eventually be friends after I got over being mad at her… And I told her that that’s not what I wanted. She said she knew that I was feeling that I was getting older and I needed to find what I wanted sooner than later…

So, I told her I loved her, and if she ever changed her mind that she could let me know, and I told her that if she can look me in the eye, and tell me this is what she needs to do, then, I will respect her decision. She said she thought it was, so I left.

We were only together for five months, but it was an active and very meaningful five months for both of us, from what I can tell, but as they say, there are always two sides to every relationship.

Part of the reasons that I think that attachment disorders may fall into play here is that after about the first couple of months, she came to me one day, after we had watched a whole bunch of videos about attachment disorders, and she told me, she said she did some research on her own, and said, teary-eyed, that she believed that she was a fearful avoidant, or a disorganized avoidant, I can’t remember exactly which one she said… She said it described her perfectly. I was pretty impressed that she went to that length to do some more research.

It is my guess that her breaking up, which came completely out of the blue, may be the result of some sort of attachment disorder, and need to gain distance from someone that was getting a little too close to the source of some of her disorder.

I tend to wonder if the “big talk” in the car that night, which really made it pretty clear to her, that she has anger and hostility issues, may have spooked her, and subconsciously created a fear in her that she could never live up to what I was saying to her that night, and that I was inevitably going to break up with her anyway, so she beat me to the punch.

Many others question this theory, and just say that the distance, and the social status difference, and the annoyance are just reasonable things that people use to break up with others, and that I need to get over it and move on. That may be true. I’m not sold on it.

Here’s where it gets tricky… From the day, I walked out of her house, after about that two minute break up, I went no contact. One week later to the day, she text me out of the blue and says… “Hi Whirl, I hope you are doing OK and will enjoy the wedding with your family over the weekend”.

I waited for a while, and sent kind of a smart, Alec one-liner back, and she responded with just what she had been doing at her conference over the weekend in Florida, then I asked her if she was going to see her sister while she was there, and she responded the following day that she was, and that she had seen a cousin, and they went to the aquarium, which was nice. I didn’t respond to that, and it’s been three weeks with no communication.

So if I had to have a question in here, it could be… Did I make a mistake cutting off contact with her after her last text? Could that have been her way of trying to make amends and reaching out and her way of maybe trying open a dialogue? If that is true, and I don’t know, not responding to her last text could now make her feel that I’m not interested, and maybe she will just disconnect more and move on?

Many online coaches, say to stick out, no contact, because she was the one that broke it, so she needs to fix it. I think she may be too shy, and feeling too broken to reach out like that. Or, she may just think that I don’t want to deal with her anymore. Who knows.

It’s only been a month, and I have done a bit of healing, but I’m still feeling so completely abandoned, and I can’t imagine what happened in that lady’s head that she would seemingly walk away from some thing that seems to have so much promise for both of us.

She knows what I bring to the table. Her and I talked twice every day. I woke up early every morning to call her on her way to work, and we did a video call every night before she went to sleep. She always seemed happy to hear from me. I almost had minimal believe this whatever happened. I thought we were just continue working on getting better at not triggering each other. Isn’t that what couples do? I guess I couldn’t tell you.

Do any of you guys have any thoughts after reading all this? What should I do? Should I reach out to her eventually? Let her reach out to me?

I saw some evidence that she may be depressed. I know from my own experiences that mental health issues can make you push people away who get too close. If that’s the case, is there really anything I can do?

It could be said that we left on good terms. I didn’t say anything hostile to her at all. One of my last words to her, although not hugely, romantic, or “I have no shortage of love for you.”

What should I do? Thank you for any input you can give. Sorry for this lengthy post.

Ahoy Whirling Dervish and welcome to MSF. I hope you make some good connections here.

I read your entire post. It was long, but you're a very good writer PLUS you used paragraphs which helps a lot!

What I'm picking up is that you really want to contact this woman and get involved again (with the hope that she'll have changed).

I don't think she'll change, sadly.

Does she have avoidant or disorganized anxious attachment? Maybe, maybe not. She might have ROCD (relationship OCD) or maybe not. Whatever the case is, it is up to her to do the work on herself so she can have a relationship. You can't do the work for her. Trying to 'fix' her would be the codependent response to the situation.

You seem like a real great guy who knows what he wants. I'd say don't settle for less. She's told you who she is, in fact she's shown you. There is the saying, "If someone tells you who they are, believe them." You'd be in for more of the same, if you go back. She is 61 and her personality is pretty set. It's a long-shot that she could change at this point.

She said you're not up to her standards... that's enough to walk away from her, right there. That's not a lack of Prozac that made her say that. That's her.

But, it hard to lose the "potential" of a relationship. But "potential" is not reality.

You made the right call by going no contact. I'd say stick to it.

Nevertheless, it hurts as it's a loss. You made an investment for during the time you were with her. You need time to grieve.

Take good care...

Again, welcome to the forum... keep on posting!

Thank you for your thoughtful and caring post. It means more to me than you will know.

The part that is really hard for me to reconcile, no pun intended, is that this lady has so much goodness inside of her, and we did really well a lot of the times, except when she kind of started to go off the rails. I couldn’t even say if it wasn’t her medication that might’ve been causing her to be antagonistic, and I’m sure that might be part of it, but she does have a very combative controlling part of her.

I could go on and on, but it would be as long as the first posting I wrote.

I mean, I definitely have been thinking about what you have said… She’s not likely to change, I’ve seen some true colors that are not hugely flattering… But you know, we all have our issues, and we all have things that we are good at and not so good at… She has so much to offer.

It is really strange to acknowledge that someone like her can be so decent on one hand, and then get very upset and semi hostile at service workers, because something hasn’t gone the way it was expected. I often would give her a little bit of slack, because she works like a dog, and her job has a huge amount of pressure and expectation attached to it, along with some likely trauma, because she works in healthcare, and who knows whether that contributes to her demeanor.

We seemed to have so much in common with our personalities… She started off as a really smiley kind of lady, and that’s kind of who I want to be in the world as well…. We both marveled at how much we felt like outsiders, and often stayed away from social conventions… It almost seems like we were two peas in a pod. We loved spending time together, which is what makes it so hard that it turned the way that it did.

It mostly turned because of these stupid things that she would get in her head that she would turn into contentions… I have multiple examples, but I’ll spare the details… To me, these contention seems no more than power struggles and nitpicking, which I think is one characteristic that is often pointed out that avoidant people often suffer with… I have heard from multiple authorities that avoidant attachment style people will often pick at their partners, because it’s a way of giving them a little bit of a push to see if they will actually leave the relationship, since they expect their partner will leave eventually anyway.

I just don’t know what to do with it. Big part of my heart is with this lady. It was only five months, but every day we were consistently, talking, chatting, having fun on the phone… I’ve almost never encountered that.

When we first got together, for the first few months, she was all about making me feel validated and appreciated… Once her nitpicking started, that started to level out, which I knew it would, because that kind of thing seems to usually taper off once routines take hold. I knew she was avoidant, so I tried to give her lots of space. I really didn’t sense any major issues with her right up until the end, other than our big talk, and how she seemed so unfazed by it, even though I knew I had sent out a fairly strong boundary…

I knew I had to set that boundary in place, meaning the boundary that the hostility couldn’t continue, or it would likely lead to an end of the relationship… But I’m not crazy about how I did it. I don’t think I really pointed the finger at her strongly in an accusatory manner, but she knew what I was talking about, and she knew it was about her. it wasn’t terrible execution on my part, but it wasn’t great, either. Probably would’ve been much better if I said, “I love you, but I want to work with you to find a way for us to not bark at each other like this, and keep on the positive side of things“. I think that would have been much more proactive, and I might still have a lady friend if perhaps I had Said it in that way.

Despite the obvious of what you say, I still have this feeling that I’ll be waiting around for the next few months to see if she checks in and says anything…

I would think that the most thoughtful people would check in with someone that they had such an intense time with over the summer and at least maybe apologize for things going down the way they did…

The break up was very odd. She gave me no mention of being troubled… I talked with her the night before, and I hadn’t seen her in three weeks because she was away at a conference, and she invited me up for lunch. I asked her if I can bring ingredients for a meal…

I get up there, she seems kind of happy to see me, but a little bit distractible, I guess. It was like a new start I thought. I made a nice meal for her, we sat at the table and chitchatted, she gave me a couple of gifts that she bought while she was away… I noticed she wasn’t wearing the ring that she had worn that I bought for her, which she had worn every single time I had seen her since I gave it to her… That seemed a bit odd, but it had been three weeks since I’ve seen her, so no big deal.

We clear the table together and wash dishes… Then I ask her if there’s anything around her house that she needs for me to do… And she had me install a ceiling smoke detector, which only took me a couple of minutes, and she helped in small ways. All good.

Then she takes her dogs out to the back porch for a few minutes, and I see her fumbling around out there, she looks a bit distracted… Since I didn’t have my shoes on, I just went and sat back down at the table and she came back in just a few minutes later, came right, over to the table, sat down, and said, “oh, by the way, I feel like I have lost enthusiasm for this, so I am going to end it”. Really? I’ve been here for over an hour, cooked you a meal, helped around the house, and now you’re telling me you’re going to end it? Of course, I didn’t say this out loud.

Knowing that in my brain, I almost expect stuff like this to happen, it didn’t really come as a big surprise, but it was a massive shock, if that makes any sense. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. This is a girl that just a few months earlier, was looking at houses that her and I could buy together, and considering trips that we might be able to go on. She would have been up to meet my family far away if it wasn’t for her work schedule. Then she uses us not being able to go on expensive vacation says one of the criteria to break up? That doesn’t make any sense

I don’t think I’ve ever encountered anything quite as strange in my dating life, but I don’t exactly have a rich, very dating light, so who knows whether strangeness comes part and parcel with break ups.

This may take a long time to get over. I had so much hope for this lady. We had covered a lot of distance in a very short amount of time. It may have been one of the best summers I have ever had. Now, it will serve as the saddest summer that I’ve ever had. I don’t think I’ve ever had as much hope with somebody as I have had with her… And it wasn’t just fantasy. Part of it was, but I was trying to accept her as the real human being that she is, as we all are… I would’ve never thought the bottom would fall out of it, like that, and with her almost treating me without a lot of consideration with how she broke up with me… No real discussion about it. No negotiation. There could have been so much more. We might’ve been able to do. We were just getting started, really.

That’s what makes me feel that something strange went down… Either with her mental health, because I could tell she was snappy that day, or maybe people in her family may have said something to her that made her feel swayed to end it. I guess I may never know.

I remember a month and a half earlier, she came to me, really happy that she said that her neighbor really liked me. Almost as if that was unexpected, and that it was an endorsement that was meaningful to her, as if she thought that maybe some people would find difficulty with who I am. That seemed a little Bizzarre, but I was happy that she told me that her neighbor thought I was a nice guy. I think she was still looking for the positives, despite her reservations about how I live my life. It really didn’t feel great, now that I think of it.

I do need to realize that there are cultural stereotypes and expectations. She had told me near the beginning that her family is very different, and her mother had said to her to be careful because guys with long hair all do drugs. She said she had to convince her mother that this was not the case. That’s pretty strange.

Ironically, the last night I saw her, before the break up day, her mother had called from an hour away and needed a ride to the ER, because she was sick… I volunteered to drive my lady friend down there at 10 o’clock at night, and spent the entire night in the ER waiting room while she was with her mother, waiting to be admitted. We didn’t get home until 6 AM that morning, and I kind of hoped that that whole ordeal would be a bit of a bonding experience between her and I. I guess not.

Her mother was quite nice to me that one and only time I met her. I treated her kindly… Kind of joked with her, escorted her in and out of the car and into the wheelchair, and I was hoping that would be meaningful to my lady friend. Apparently not enough.

I worked hard to make this lady happy. I did all kinds of jobs around her house, and she has a beach house on the ocean, and, although I was apprehensive to go there at first, after a while, we had a blast up there, and I did all kinds of work for her up there at that house, with a sole purpose of making her happy and taking some of the stress off of her already hugely heavy load.

This break up almost feels a little ungrateful on her part. So if I get it straight, you love bomb the crap out of somebody who is nice to you, they spend the summer working hard to make you happy, and take you places, and to do things for you, And then, without even a second glance you break up with them? Something just doesn’t jive with that story. It’s got to be at mental health issue. I don’t know what else to think. It can’t just be lack of character. I interacted with her way too much over the five months to believe that it’s just a matter of a lack of character. She’s got way too many other good things going on for me to come to that conclusion.

I don’t know what else to think. Someone suggested bipolar, but the symptoms don’t really line up. Maybe just significant depression? But then again, she gets to work every day no problems, although I don’t know if that is relevant to significant depression. She did say that she has had a fairly strong history with depression, and said that every year she struggles with it.

Can you tell that I’m ruminating about this? I just can’t shake the bizarreness of it all.

Struggling with this today. Feeling lonely and down.

Still can’t come to terms with how something that started off, so promising, and with someone who seemingly became my best friend, right up until the last time, I saw her… Could end so dramatically and abruptly… Almost without any real notice.

How does that happen? How can someone just turn off like that?

Well, I’ve been watching a lot of videos that theories that people who have had complicated histories with relationships, often become avoidant. Then, with a new relationship arises, they idealize their new partner, and put them up on a pedestal and pretty much love bomb. Yep I kind of did that too, because I thought she was awesome.

Then, when real life sets in, they begin to nitpick in an effort to create distance with their partners… Then they can often go into a phase, called deactivation, where they stop feeling kind of feelings that they think are necessary in a relationship, and this often pushes them towards distancing more, and eventually breaking up. They bury their feelings through a lot of this process, so they confuse their lack of enthusiasm and love, and start to believe that their partner is not the right one for them…

Ultimately, what often happens, is that once they start to come out of the deactivation phase, which is often quite a bit longer after the relationship has been sacrificed, then they can start to realize what has happened, because a lot of the feelings come back, that had been buried beneath the surface.

If this is what has happened, it’s really sad. I don’t know what to think about it. I mean, clearly, if this is what happened, do I really want to have to go through this again? I’ve been devastated over the last three weeks. It seemed like I lost my best friend And what I feel could be my last chance at that kind of happiness. I was elated for the five months I knew her, until I could kind of sense that she was starting to pull away.

I don’t know what to think. All I know is that I hurt so badly, and everything around me seems so dark and finer. I’m just starting to feel a lack of hope and somewhat of a disinterest and carrying on. Just don’t feel like I have much left in the tank.

Can anyone else relate to this?

Also… Upon reading some of the other postings on here… Some of you will say, “why don’t you just go out and find somebody more compatible?”.

Sometimes I think that’s an unkind thing to say. It almost feels like someone saying, “just get over yourself and go find something else”.

If it was that easy, that’s all many of us would do, but for many of us, our options are limited. I don’t attract women, easily or often, so this almost seemed like it was too good to be true. Clearly it was.

Dating sites pretty much don’t work for me. I get zero responses. I don’t have many places I can go where I live that I don’t encounter, married couples, and families. I try to get out at least once a day and go somewhere public to see if I can bump into someone and start a conversation… But there’s just not that many options. I live in a very high value environment, and it’s very affluent here. I just don’t fit in. And I’m stuck here. My daughter lives nearby. I have no family anywhere near here. Most of my friends live further away.

I just don’t know what to do. I’m losing hope.

Sometimes people just don’t want to be with you. It doesn’t mean they are depressed or avoidant or ungrateful or lacking moral character. Not everyone we want to date wants the same thing. It was short dating experience. It didn’t work out. It happens. Sure it’s not fun but it’s not uncommon and its just how it is

Did i read that correctly, the night in the ER was right before the breakup lunch?

Maybe mom put a bug in her ear.

My mother did that to me once, in college. I never explained to the guy what turned me cold, but it was my mother making fun of him. I could have had a normal wholesome life with a guy who loved me, but nooooo. She couldnt tolerate that. And yes i am also anxious avoidant.

Thank you for your thoughts… I have thought of that, and think you could possibly be onto something.

As our months together progressed, she told me a lot about her previous relationships… Void of real intimacy, not a lot of dialogue, certainly not much connection.

She told me that she no longer trusted her instincts with men, because her family members would point out things that her boyfriends were doing that they thought wasn’t good for her, and she kept saying over and over that she couldn’t see what her Family members were saying, and thought everything was OK… It wasn’t until much later after it all turned south that she started to realize that they were right.

So what you are saying certainly has some potential validity… Perhaps when she was at the wedding the weekend before, or even earlier, somebody may have said something to her that made her think twice about it… Something like, “why would you settle for a guy who has no money and can’t fit into the lifestyle that you have worked so hard to achieve, and has Long and has which you know could make you feel uncomfortable in front of your professional peers? You could probably have many different guys that have lots of money they could make you feel a lot less insecure about things… What’s stopping you from doing that?”

I am betting that if someone in her family or friends said something like that to her, it would devalue me significantly in her eyes, knowing that her family thinks she can do better. That would explain it clearly, but I really have no evidence that this is what has happened.

To the person that responded previously… Of course it’s possible that she just didn’t want to be with me anymore, but I’m not buying that. Her and I were best friends right up until toward the end, and the shift seemed to come quickly, and there were no obvious signs that she was in distress… No suggestions that we needed to talk about anything, no indications that she had anything on her mind. That to me just doesn’t sound like the girl I knew. At all…

This seems way more like a situation of self-destruction or outside influence.

Of course I might just be naïve or gullible, or hugely vulnerable to think these things. Maybe time will tell.

Thank you for engaging me on this. It helps me a lot to know what others are reading and responding. I certainly need that right about now

By the way, did you ever interact with that fellow that you went cold on after that? Did he ever reach out to you or continue to try to pursue you? If so, could there have been anything that he could say or do to have changed your mind back then?

How long did it take for you to eventually recognize that you may have sabotaged, if that’s what you want to call it?

Thank you… For whatever reasons, your story means a lot to me. It means I may not be completely off my rocker thinking that something doesn’t make sense here.

We had some mutual friends but the relationship was over. He moved on. I didnt realize until i went no contact with my family in late middle-age how much they had interfered in my high school and college romances. Which of course is when normal people make their matches. My brother wanted me to find someone HE liked, which how gay was that? My parents just wanted me to be an old maid so i would take care of them in their old age. They knew how to shame me and it worked.

I know you dont want to hear this, but dude, cut your hair. I would advise this to a male or a female! The 1960's are over. A short haircut looks smart and sexy. Even Mark Harmon could use a good trim, IMO. And second, c'mon. It's at least 10 women for every man at our age, i dont know what the actual stats are.

Thanks for your insights…

I am an aged rockin roller. I’ve looked this way most of my life. I just like the way I look as a long-haired rock ‘n’ roller. I think I look stupid with short hair. I look about 13 years old and like a child with short hair. I’m very effeminate overall, and the short hair doesn’t help.

I have had long hair for chunks of my life, and shorthair for chunks of my life. I had an awesome career for many years, and I’ve been penniless for many years like I am now. It hasn’t made one single difference with women. I just don’t attract women hardly at all. I don’t attract people hardly at all either gender. Doesn’t matter how nice I am, or kind I am I’m a simple, easy-going guy that is kind of shy and avoidant. I think people can sense that a mile away, and it makes them uneasy.{

I think that’s why it has struck me so hard that I was able to attract and do well with what would be considered a high value woman. Not that I didn’t love her, I did. It wasn’t just because she had one of the most desired careers on the planet. I really enjoyed her, and I know she enjoyed me, right up until nearly the end. But clearly, she is troubled,. At least from my perspective. I have so many stories that illustrate that.

As far as ratio of men to women… I could probably put out 100 nice personalized messages on the dating sites that I have been on, and I would be lucky if I would hear from even one back. Dating sites are the exact opposite. There are probably 100 men to every woman on there. Women get inundated with messages from all kinds of guys, and it makes it very difficult for them to read through them.

Since they get hundreds of suitors, why wouldn’t they go for the ones that are tall and masculine? I get zero responses, except for an odd one or two that I just don’t find interesting or attractive. It’s been like that for years.

I hold little hope for the future for a partner or romance. I could go on and on about this.

It's not necessary for anyone to say "why don’t you just go out and find somebody more compatible?”

The alternative to being with that person is not finding another person. Maybe it's being by yourself for a while. Maybe it's dating a few people for a while instead of attaching yourself to another person.

As divine said, just because someone doesn't want to continue having a relationship with you it's not necessary to hang a label on them or diagnose what kind of attachment style they have. Nothing went wrong - she just decided not to continue with you. Maybe there's someone else on her horizon, maybe she wants to be alone. Who knows and it doesn't matter.

I'm like her - if I'm done and I've told you, you won't hear from me again. I doubt you are going to hear from her if she went to the trouble to tell you she didn't want to keep seeing you.

I am not sure I am agreeing with you. If this is true, then she’s either a really good actress, or I am completely blind. We were basically best friends until just prior. You can’t fake that.

There are online therapists that illustrate just this kind of break up. They will say… “You know what you felt, and you know what you saw. You know that they loved you, because you can’t fake that”.

That’s how I saw it. She couldn’t fake it. The last time her and I were together intimately, which was before the last three week break, it was clear that there were still a lot of gas left in both of our tanks. I just don’t see gas disappearing like that, without some sort of collapse. I just don’t. That could never ever happen in my head.

This girl and I spoke every single morning on her way to work for most of the last four months I knew her… And pretty much every single night before she went to bed, right through her last trip a week before she announced she was ending it.

She always seemed happy to see me. Always was eager to talk and connect. You can’t just make that stuff up. Something went down with this girl. Either outside influence, or mental health crisis.

Yes, I may just be disgruntled, or incredibly heartbroken, looking for reasons to validate why I feel jilted and jaded. I deserve to feel that. I put a lot of effort and love into being with her. I didn’t deserve being ousted without even a chance to truly Negotiate in earnest. I think I deserved that.

And lastly, she didn’t say she didn’t want to see me. She wanted to remain friends, “maybe after a while, and you aren’t mad at me anymore”. Something like that. So, she kind of wanted her cake and eat it too. There’s not a relationship coach or Therapist anywhere that recommends that.

She’s 61. I find it interesting that you are referring to her as “a girl”. Why?

It’s possible there is something wrong with her or something went down but in a long run why does it matter? You can’t make her date you. I’ve met men who were convinced that me saying “no” to dating them wasn’t really valid and they need to continue pursuing me despite me not being interested. Rejections are hard but fighting it isn’t going to resolve it

Of course she liked you but does it mean she must continue relationship with you? For whatever reason she just decided against it. Maybe she decided that starting relationship in her 60s just isn’t worth the hassle. Maybe her family influenced her. Maybe it’s something else. But there’s not much you can do about it

My best friend is a single 60 something woman. She decided she doesn’t want to date at all and will not get into relationships anymore. She lives a very busy exciting life. She doesn’t want to entangle herself with a man. There is nothing wrong with her. It’s a perfectly valid option to stay single as well as option of staying friends. Maybe your lady decided it’s too much work

Also many older people with comfortable life style don’t want to start relationships because it might mean they need to take on and financially support another human being or they need to substantially alter their life style. Many don’t want to do that.

I suspect you are right on many accounts… I just don’t think she has it in her, at least, for now to keep fighting herself on this. I guess it doesn’t really matter, but I do wish I knew more about what was going on with her.

I suspect the big talk I had with her damage her sense of self in the relationship, because I suspect that the pedestal that I was initially on, had been coming crashing down, and that probably was the final blow. I didn’t think that was gonna sit well with her, and I thought I had perhaps dodged a bullet, but clearly not.

Still, almost all of the dating experts, some of them long time, therapists, insist, that if you had a good relationship, and there was enough love and care in it, which there was, and you didn’t have a hostile break up, chances are more than likely, it’s not quite good, that I will hear back from her again in the future.

They say that I shouldn’t be waiting around for that to happen, and I am not. I went out on a rare date, if you want to call it, that, a week ago, and I don’t want to stop moving towards other opportunities. My heart is having a bit of a hard time with that, though. Many would say it’s not proven to be looking towards moving on already.

All this being said, there are so many pointers that this came from some sort of mental health crash, then I could probably give you point after point of potential evidence, but as you say, what does it really change? It’s not gonna change me, feeling jilted and abandoned by somebody that I thought care deeply about me. I know she cares deeply about me. Why someone that cares deeply about somebody else with so quickly stomp on their heart, and barely without, any kind of real care about why they are doing it or seeming empathy that they are hurting you. That just seems incongruous with the girl that I knew.

As far as calling her a girl… I think I call all the ladies I know girls. I called myself a boy. Perhaps because I still feel somewhat like a big kid… :-)