Divorcing a disordered person

It’s best if you don’t take your wife’s calls. That way she has to text and you have anything she says in writing. That will also help you to take time and not respond in any kind of anger where you give her information that’s best not said.

Plus your wife is triangulating you to get to your daughter. That’s a typical narcissistic game, don’t play it with her.

She called our old school style landline.

The only person who usually calls that is our elderly neighbor.

Does it have caller ID? An answering machine for voice messages? Strange that she would call that number. Well, now you know not to pick that up. Maybe give your neighbor your cell number.

I just want to let you know that you did not fail because you picked up the phone and your wife pulled you into that toxic conversation. All that experience did was confirm how manipulative and toxic your wife is as a person. The relationship failure is not your fault and you have been slowly learning how to see your wife as she truely is instead of what you created in your mind of her.

Your wife only focused on her needs in that conversation and insisted on blaming whatever problems are taking place on you. Nothing you could have ever done or can do will change the person your wife is. Your wife doesn’t nor ever will have your values. You still have these moments where you feel a loss of the person you created in your mind of her. It takes time to accept that person doesn’t exist. You had more of a limerence about her than actual intimacy and love. When we are young we have a tendency to limerence instead of developing actual love and genuine connection. You talk about someone else getting the best of her. That’s the limerence talking. There is NO best of her RD. She just proved that to you again.

"Your wife only focused on her needs in that conversation and insisted on blaming whatever problems are taking place on you."

"You had more of a limerence about her than actual intimacy and love. "

You're right.

It's hard to face that I was so completely snookered.


RDM

I never jump on someone and tell them to leave a relationship. It’s very important the person be helped to slowly see the reality for themselves. That can take time and patience. I am proud of you as I see you making progress. I know it’s not easy.

@RDMercer checking ng to see how you are doing?

Quote:

Originally Posted by RDMercer "Your wife only focused on her needs in that conversation and insisted on blaming whatever problems are taking place on you." "You had more of a limerence about her than actual intimacy and love. " You're right. It's hard to face that I was so completely snookered. RDM

I wouldn't feel snookered.....when we are young we don't have the deoth of perception we have as we get older & have seen & understand so much more.

It wasn't until 11 years after leaving my marriage & asking my almost ex at that time why he got married because it was obviously not love on either of our parts that he said it "was because that was the thing to do after graduating college" For me it was an escape from my family though red flags told me different right before the wedding & put me in defense mode (& some offense mode too).

As we get older we get so much more understanding because we are always learning which is good. It's the adults that are stuck at a childhood emotional age that cause the problems as many seem incapable of learning & never grow up to meet the needs of an adult relationship.

My ex always proudly said he would never grow up. One of the foundational reasons I left. I didn't get married to him to be his mommy. I wanted an intelligent PARTNER who was my equal. Those details don't always show up until years into the marriage even though we get hints along the way that build with time

Hi Open Eyes, hi eskielover,

All good. Really, just good.

I can't explain how much I like being home. It's just perfect.

Eskie..... Thank you for sharing that. That's really insightful. Thank you.

I went through a period last month of really questioning myself and my oldest said, "Do you not see how highly regarded you are by really, really good people?" That was nice to hear.

Viewing my wife as an emotional child has really reframed things for me. There WILL be tantrums and pettiness and deflection and storytelling.

I'm getting better.

Your oldest is very wise.

@RDMercer checking in to see how you are doing. You ok?

Just saw a quote that made me think of you

Narcissists try to fix themselves by breaking you.

This is especially hard for a child of a narcissist.