Divorcing a disordered person

I got a court summons this week.

Wow. Just.... Wow.

Every apology, every letter, every request for counselling, every request for family counselling, every admission of guilt has been submitted.

10+ years. My file is the size of the phone book.

My pleading heartfelt letters and texts begging for peace held up as proof of my guilt.

My numerous (previously ignored since years) requests for family counselling held up as proof of how the kids need her.

My emails saying "please stop, please get some help ", held up as examples of my harassment of her and labeling her.

My emails saying my income can't support two homes and pleading for peace held up as proof of how we have to liquidate everything immediately.

There's no emotion in anything she's doing. Just vindictiveness.

I've been remarkably low for a few days... Feeling hopeless, ashamed, guilty, old, and just not wanting to exist anymore.

I sent her texts, emails, letters where I poured my heart out. They were full of vulnerability and sincerity and they're weaponized against me.

And here's the thing.... Because I "loved" an illusion, I'm scared I'll never experience anything that strong again.

I'm also scared to be vulnerable again.

Wow this hurts.

RDMercer

RD, the court will see through her. Have faith. Those messages are only proof that you did everything you could to make it work, to heal your family, and care for your kids. Her submitting them like that will backfire on her. Stupid call by her attorney, if she has one.

Sent from my SM-N986U using Tapatalk

Yes, she has an attorney.

I'm in a lot of pain right now. All my vulnerabilities are exposed.

The worrisome thing too is that I am battling the feeling I had for years that there is no future, nothing good, nothing to look forward to.

And GUILT. My close friends have told me they have never seen anyone carry as much guilt and blame as me.

I'm extremely thankful for this board and the real life supports I have around me, and that I'm able to understand the things I read and learn about all this.

RDM

@RDMercer it’s understandable how this is upsetting for you. This is what your wife wants, a reaction, especially a negative one so do NOT respond.

All this proves is that she has had a plan for a long time and has been baiting you to react. Please know that YOU are not the bad guy and all this does is provide proof for you as she had been abusing alcohol for a long time to where even her own children were afraid of her.

All this does is prove she is impatient and is trying to force you into liquidating so she can get money. NOW is a bad time to do that in that both home prices and interest rates are high so many are staying put because they have low interest rates on mortgages.

Calm down, all she is doing is trying to MANIPULATE you. This information should be shared with your lawyer. Remember, your lawyer already told you that she can’t force you to displace your children from their home.

I bet her drinking and bar scene party life is not turning out like she thought. Nope, it’s usually a path to experiencing addicted problem people like herself.

Please share this with your lawyer and he can instruct all future legal actions to be sent to him.

I’m sorry you are experiencing the reality of how selfish your wife can be. I have experienced this kind of behavior myself so I know how disturbing it can be. Unfortunately we can end up fighting some very twisted battles in life even by people we thought it was safe to love.

Remember! This is BAIT to get you to react so do NOT react. If you need to vent come here but do not react to her as she has just proved that she will try to use it against you.

Wow. Mind numbing. My heart and head are reeling for you.

^ This a thousand times over.

But you probably already know that.

In CoDA they say if you don't know what to do, DO NOTHING. I repeat that as a mantra in my head regularly

A while back I saw an interview with a divorce lawyer who was talking about the seedier side of his job. Apparently there's a saying in the divorce field that "the truth lies at the bottom of a bottomless pit." Chances are this is hardly the first time they'll have seen someone weaponize the other's well-intentioned pleas. It's unlikely that things will get weighed in her favor as much as she'd like to think. But, damn, she's gonna try...

Imagine the amount of work it took to put that packet together. That alone sounds manipulative, and not rational. Especially so when considering that she hasn't been around for the kids, they don't seem interested in seeing her (and they seem old enough to make that decision themselves), and it seems as though you said that there was a counselor who suggested that contact with her was not in the kids' best interest? That doesn't paint a good picture of her either.

Your feelings are completely valid and understandable. There may be a few extra armor plates around here if you'd like to borrow some... it's okay to put a little armor on to protect yourself from some of these things. In time, you may heal and decide to take them off again. Today may not be that day, and that's okay. Nothing stays the same forever.

Also, just because she has some legal help don’t assume she has the upper hand. Lawyers bluff and play games too.

This self blaming is largely due to your being encouraged to believe the failures are your fault. However, the fact that you deeply loved your wife and she rejected you can lead to devastating emotions. However, this is not the kind of rejection that can be prevented. Bottom line is your wife doesn’t love like you she is a user and manipulator. This is something I had to learn to understand too. This is how my older sister is and she lives in her own delusional world and used her own parents for her own financial gains.

These people can act like they care but they don’t, and can be cold and selfish.

Be very patient with yourself as at times it can get emotionally overwhelming. Others can relate. ❤️

THIS!!!!

I have known plenty of lawyers to claim they have the law on their side, bluff, and try and intimidate the other side into doing what they want. That is what they do! They know full well only a judge decides. Lawyers exist to trump up and intimidate. They aren't trying to be fair or honest; they are trying to win - especially a divorce attorney.

It will likely get even nastier, but try not to let it be personal at this point. That's what she wants and what will work in her favor, for her attempts at baiting you and disparaging you in the summons to get an emotional response that proves her right.

So she filed for divorce?

Unless your letters and texts were of a threatening nature, what does it matter that you wrote to her begging her to come back. I don’t understand how it even relates to anything if she filed for divorce. Judge will decide how assets are divided and custody arrangements. I don’t see how judge would even care that you were writing to her. Who cares.

You need a good lawyer. Yes you’d likely have to sell the house or buy her out and judge will determine who gets what. But whatever you wrote to her while separated is irrelevant. It’s only relevant to demonstrate that she abandoned her children and you were distraught by that. Make sure you have a good lawyer who’ll fight for you having full custody of the kids

As about worrying you’ll never feel how you feel for her, that’s a good sign. It was not healthy, largely based on illusion and unbalanced. That creates unusually intense attachment that could be mistaken for “intense love like never before blah blah blah”. But it’s not sustainable. True happiness is contentment, not anxious obsession. So that’s a positive outcome if you never go for such relationship

You could do it. With legal help.

You have nothing to feel guilty about, it sounds to me like you are doing all you can for your kids, including trying to make sure they have both parents available to them

"As about worrying you’ll never feel how you feel for her, that’s a good sign. It was not healthy, largely based on illusion and unbalanced. That creates unusually intense attachment that could be mistaken for “intense love like never before blah blah blah”. But it’s not sustainable. True happiness is contentment, not anxious obsession. So that’s a positive outcome if you never go for such relationship"

You're right. Simple as that.... You're right.

I did beg her, for years, and then right up until March, to be more involved with the kids.

In March, my son went to the cops and hired a lawyer to find out about charging his mother with abuse, and my daughter made a statement in support of him. My daughter also told her mom that she wouldn't be with her anymore.

That was it.... Done. I wasn't going to undermine them. So, since then, I haven't tried to have both parents in their life.

My wife is extremely academically accomplished. There is work she's done that is still being referenced in her field 18 years after she produced it.

But.... She can only make $20,000 a year, and can only get part time retail work, and she needs extensive financial support and money for family counselling. Yeah, she's made big requests. She has also requested I be ordered not to leave the state for work. I have a family property, a 4BR house with an apartment that I can move to that is about a mile from where I grew up, with work I can go to there. It's like her goal is to see me impoverished and living miserably here.

This is what narcissism looks like in court.

This hurts in my heart. It really does.

RDMercer

It’s not your job to sort out your wife’s problems. What you are describing is a person who is trying to get control. It doesn’t matter what her education is her behaviors speaks for her. Your wife is a controlling entitled alcoholic with changing mood swings that frightens her own children.

I'm only stating her education because somehow she has accomplished a lot, but can only earn a part time retail salary. Really???

It's an example of her entitlement., and twisted truths.

And not only am I supposed to financially support her, I'm supposed to remain here, and support her counselling appointments with our daughter, and agree to shared custody.

She is manipulating in hopes to have you pay her bills while she can drink and hang out.

Your lawyer already told you that she can’t make you move etc.

Your wife has been proving she is a selfish user. People like this don’t love, instead they are all about self.

This is why you don’t react as that gives her a sense of power.

Just vent here as needed it takes time to accept the reality.

RD we;re always all here for you

My understanding is that you have not actually started legal proceedings. If that is the case what she is trying to do is get YOU to engage and spend the money. This is why she produces these threats. She wants you to pay for everything and get to her goal of getting money and having you pay alimony or whatever else she can get.

Don’t let her push your buttons.

She either didn’t work or worked basic minimum because she could. Most of us would live on the street and eat out of a dumpster if we didn’t work or barely worked. Even married people would be in a terrible shape if one spouse decided to not contribute as it’s really hard to live on one income. She lived that way because she could.

Yes it possibly means you’ll have to support her but you can’t change that. Many people do what they can get away with. She got away with a lot. But at some point she’ll stop getting away with things. Even if you have to pay her or sell the house, it will not last forever. She’ll face the consequences of living off others. But it won’t be your concern.

You’ll do what judge decides. But stop worrying about her. She used to lay around the house and drink and now she parties and drinks. You can’t change her. Focus on yourself and your kids and follow legal channels

This is the start. The first court appearance is next week.

My lawyer said, she can be assessed for support based on a mid-level income she has the potential to earn based on education and experience.

Not on what she does earn... Her potential earnings.

So.

Thank you all for being there for me.

RDM

Fingers crossed. Some judges base it on potential income. But some don’t. My husband was ordered to pay spousal support set number of year because his ex refused to work regardless of her having college degree and having no reason to not work and kids were long grown up.

I think your situation will play to your advantage because you are raising minor kids and she isn’t paying child support or contributing to their upbringing in any other ways.

I think your lawyer should push the point that she left. Abandoned her marriage, house and kids. Unilaterally. Not mutually agreed upon

The judge is not going to make you pay an amount you can’t afford. Don’t let her bully and intimidate you.