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Member
Member Since May 2023
Location: Slovakia + Czech Republic
Posts: 158
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Nov 03, 2023 at 04:11 AM
#1
Alright, I admit, I am young, but I always seem to have bad luck. Every time I meet someone who seems to be a good company, they either hide having a bf (and tell me after going out with me or so...) or, sonner or later, they just decide to break my heart. I have been searching for a long time without a single sign of anything pleasant or finding a girl who would be available.
But what is worse, based on what I know about myself and what I've been told, the problem is not me, how I act or what my mindset is when I'm with people so I don't know what to change. But things don't work this way, so it feels like something should be changed... But my part of the issue really seems to be fine. I know (and even have been told several times) that I can bring much into a relationship for who I am and how I act. Yet, it's just not enough to find someone to share myself with... I know I deserve to feel loved by someone and I know that I can give her the same and more. But I only know how it feels to be heartbroken, I don't really know what else to do. |
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Legendary Wise Elder
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Nov 03, 2023 at 05:11 AM
#2
Try just chilling about it & stop looking so hard & wanting to make something work. When we meet people we need to get to know them & sense a compatibility on both sides before trying to go out & make a relationship out of it. If you are using a date to determine compatibility & the other person determins it is not a compatible relationship you will continue to be disappointed.
Compatibility has a lot more to it than just being able to bring something to a relationship because it is not all about you..it is about what they want too. I dated lots of guys in college who I knew I wasn't compatible with on the first or 2nd date & that was guys I got to know around campus before a date. That is just life. Just because you are attracted to someone doesn't mean there will be compatibility as you get to know them. Better to know upfront than to waste time with someone. Dating is good because it gives you a chance to learn what personality traits & values you like, dislike in others & what is or is not compatible to you __________________  Leo's favorite place was in the passenger seat of my truck. We went everywhere together like this. Leo my soulmate will live in my heart FOREVER Nov 1, 2002 - Dec 16, 2018 |
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Member
Member Since May 2023
Location: Slovakia + Czech Republic
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Nov 03, 2023 at 05:30 AM
#3
Thanks for replying
I agree that compatibility is what is important, that's actually why I write here. You know, the problem is, I actually give it time to know get to know the other person. I don't push to make it work quick. When we are not compatible from the start that's alright, but the experience I'm talking about happens later, when it seems that we share common values. Sometimes, they directly tell me that we share them... That's why I'm curious what to do because even then, it never works out... Besides, I know what my values are, so it's not like I am okay with everything |
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 eskielover
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Nov 03, 2023 at 10:19 AM
#4
Quote:
Are you in therapy? There may be something subtle you are doing when you go out whether people are telling you that you are fine or not. Most of the time we just feel it is something not ok for us but there may be someone else who is ok with it & it is just easier not to get into it but to end it & just walk away. I had a guy friend from my horse equitation class in college. He wanted to date. I realized he had control issues & kept him at a distance. We did stay friends. Turned out he was very controlling & he destroyed 2 of his marriages. He would have never listened to what I had to say about his controlling personality so I never bothered to say what I sensed I just never allowed him into my life to be able to get that chance with me. Sometimes the other person just senses something they don't want in a relationship & end it early before confrontation becomes necessary. Obviously I don't know you or your personality & others who say things are fine may be not wanting to confront or don't even see a problem. Sometimes a therapist can help because they get to know you & are a 3rd party not really involved except as a therapist there to help you __________________ Leo's favorite place was in the passenger seat of my truck. We went everywhere together like this. Leo my soulmate will live in my heart FOREVER Nov 1, 2002 - Dec 16, 2018 |
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| jaklevco
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Nov 03, 2023 at 11:49 AM
#5
I know.
No, I'm not in therapy. Well, yes, there are things people are visibly okay with, or like them about me (and they tell me), but still... I admit, you have some good points here, although it doesn't really fit my situation (I really am told that the way I act is pleasant also by people who my relationships don't go well with). I tried a few therapists who are the best in the area. One of them didn't say much (nothing meaningful) and one other got to know my personality, didn't see anything wrong with me and literally said, "I don't know what to tell you." |
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| eskielover
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Nov 03, 2023 at 04:07 PM
#6
I was wondering how long you saw these therapists for, and also how long your relationships have lasted before they end it. Maybe the girls you've dated weren't really looking for a serious relationship. That's one possibility... (maybe they lied, maybe they have some personality issue...)
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 jaklevco
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Nov 03, 2023 at 04:33 PM
#7
Wow, two people replying to my thread. That's so... Unusual.
It was several months I saw the therapists. My relationships haven't last a minute. I've never been in one. They ended the moment they started. That's why I seek some advice because I have no pleasant experience to build upon (yet, I know what I want). I can't be sure about all of them, but I know some of them really were looking for a relationship... Also, some great wtf moments are, when you go on a date, you both enjoy it, she tells you she wants to see you again and so do you. And on the second date, you find out that she already is in a relationship... And even if they lied, still, it doesn't change the fact, that I have found only those who are unavailable... |
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| Fuzzybear
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Nov 03, 2023 at 04:39 PM
#8
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Wisest Elder Ever
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Nov 03, 2023 at 04:45 PM
#9
How many times has this happened? These relationships that end the moment they started?
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Nov 03, 2023 at 04:47 PM
#10
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Wisest Elder Ever
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Nov 03, 2023 at 04:49 PM
#11
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Nov 03, 2023 at 04:55 PM
#12
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About half a year ago, it was the most painful experience I've ever had. I was rejected (not for the first time in my life), but the way she did it, the timing and who was the person made it absolutely horrible. I really don't wish anyone to experience that... |
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| Fuzzybear
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Nov 03, 2023 at 04:56 PM
#13
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Nov 03, 2023 at 05:25 PM
#14
How is your relationship with parents & family? I ask because one of my problems was that my parents were totally dysfunctional & growing up every relationship was only surface level for me. I didn't have a clue how to have a real meaningful "connected" relationship so my dating was that way too. I dated a lot but never had a real boyfriend. Even my marriage was that way. I knew deep down inside relationships must be more than I experienced but never felt it.
I thought, I am the common denominator so it must be me with the problem. I seemed to keep attracting dysfunctional guys also. When I finally left my bad marriage & got into good DBT therapy & started processing my life, & found there were similar mental issues causing those behaviors in the people I did connect my life with & I was able to learn functional skills & being around functional people I learned how to really connect with others & have relationships. After that bad marriage I have no interest in that kind of relationship but other real friends, it is nice to be able to have meaningful friendship relations with now. I still struggle at times but have come such a long way. __________________ Leo's favorite place was in the passenger seat of my truck. We went everywhere together like this. Leo my soulmate will live in my heart FOREVER Nov 1, 2002 - Dec 16, 2018 |
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Nov 03, 2023 at 05:30 PM
#15
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eskielover
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Nov 03, 2023 at 05:35 PM
#16
With friendships it's a bit complicated. Recently, some people who are my (close) friends left my life for no reason or don't really care about me based on how they act. Now, I don't really have close friends, but I manage to speak to new peope.
With my family, I don't say everything is ideal, but I have a good relationship with my parents. They don't really know to support me mentally and I also study "abroad" (close to my home country, very similar culture and language), but still, we get along very well. I don't think I attract dysfunctional people (never was there a sign of that). For today, I will probably stop checking for your posts, it's late evening here. I will reply in the morning. |
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| eskielover
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Nov 05, 2023 at 05:56 AM
#17
I thought some more about the situation with friends. It is true that I don't really have close friends now (we all went through some changes, normal for our age). Although I don't have many friends now, I felt "connected" to some of my friends in the past (only a few people, but I did). There were some "friends" who were abusing and manipulative, but they weren't close to me so it was not difficult. People who I connect with are not dysfunctional. Of course, we all have some struggles, but nothing what would have influenced our friendship.
Based on this, I don't think the problem is that I would attract dysfunctional people. |
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Nov 08, 2023 at 01:29 PM
#18
@eskielover, @Fuzzybear, I'm totally exhausted now, some unpleasant things happen in other parts of my life. Nothing I can't solve or so, but it just sucks energy out of me. It feels like something bad is going to happen soon. I will see my parents tomorow for a couple of days (not like previous weeks, one evening) so I hope I can recharge my energy...
Also, tomorow there is a meeting concerning my studies which just f***s up half of this week's schedule Last edited by jaklevco; Nov 08, 2023 at 02:54 PM.. |
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Nov 09, 2023 at 03:32 PM
#19
Yeah, so the meeting was awful. Besides,, I almost missed the last bus to my home town because of it. Found out my mother has covid, so after weeks of not being home, I won't see her anyway.
I found out my "friend" doesn't really care about my well-being. All in all, very "pleasant" week. And it's just Thursday |
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