Sexual Abuse // Obsessional Thoughts

Hello everyone,

I'm writing here to seek help, and find inner peace. Here's the situation: I've recently started dating a girl who is 4 years younger than me. The two of us have an idyllic relationship, full of tenderness, love and kindness. I'm in love like I've never been before. However, she had told me that her EX had been bad to her, and she told me their story better:

She was 18 and he was 35, they met at work
He charmed her (in the manner of a narcissistic pervert) and then put her in
The only thing she refused was triolism, on which he was very insistent.

She told me she was in his grip, that she was afraid, that she couldn't say no to him. If at first I was angry/jealous because she was still seeing him during our seduction phase (romantic as it was), I understood that she had been the victim of a twisted predator (she never gave her name to anyone, for fear that someone would press charges).

Here's my problem today:

- It's horrible, but I wonder how she could have accepted all that. I've read testimonies, articles and documentaries on the subject and there's always this notion of control, which I've come to understand. I just find it hard to accept, and I know it's horrible, but I feel my darling's value has diminished in my eyes (I'm not a boob, I'm rather dirty too, but it's always been respectful and fun). I find it hard to believe that for over 2 years she could have been used as a "v*** c*****" by someone who didn't respect her in any way (those were the words he used with her).

- I wonder if there are any after-effects on our sex life today. I've read that some victims develop a "fanaticism" even after separation for the person and the type of practices associated with him. I'm uncomfortable when I think she's secretly dreaming about him, or imagining him when we're making love and she closes her eyes (she's retained a submissive side from those days). Or, that often victims start to anticipate the predator's need, and it hurts me even more to imagine her getting into his game and "acquiescing/repeating" the insults and practices.

- BIGGEST PROBLEM: The images in my head that loop back and forth, fueled by I must admit years of consumed adult films. I imagine her in the worst productions, I'm sorry to be so "raw", but it's the best way to express my feelings. I have the images on a loop, I can't sleep all night and I start thinking about them again when I wake up.

I don't know what to do. I thought about just leaving, telling her it was too much. Maybe it would be easier to mourn the relationship rather than have obsessive episodes where I don't want to do anything, not even eat... On the other hand, what a horrible person I'd be if I left her because of a trauma she suffered?

I thought of accompanying her and urging her to lodge a complaint (they both worked at the gendarmerie) or at least talk to the people responsible, because she can't be the first young recruit to have fallen into his clutches, but if she hasn't done it herself and managed to forget, why would I go and drag her back into the story? Just so that ME can say to myself "He did this to her, but he didn't get away with it"?

I got information about the practices through roundabout questions (and by elimination + what I've read in articles about "narcissistic perverts in their sexuality". I know she's ashamed of it, but I'd like to ask her for the details so I can maybe learn that it's less "humiliating/degrading" than I thought. Maybe that would help? I'm not a jealous person, and never ask about the "size" or "prowess" of exes. But now this man is in my sights and I'm fixated... How do victims feel at times like this? Do they take pleasure, even unhealthy pleasure? Do they take refuge in their heads?

P.S.: I'd like to anticipate comments like "her sexual past is her business" or "you're a machist and a mysoginist". I have respect for everyone and all practices, as long as they are done with consent.

Thanks to those who took the time to read.
HELP! HELP¨! HELP! HELP ! HELP ! HELP! HELP!

Hi Laurenoir59


I read your post and this is what comes to me:

It's very sad and traumatic for her. Keep in mind that she's young (like 20? from what I gather) and likely has codependency issues, plus she's scared and ashamed. She trusted you with this information. But for you, the genie is out of the bottle: you can't get the images out of your mind and they're on a loop. That must really torment you.

The other guy surely watched some of the same type of videos that you watched and probably even more extreme ones and probably picked up his moves from that. There is an epidemic of porn these days and it's becoming more and more extreme which is really frightening, tbh. People aren't grounded anymore.

I feel really sad for the young woman, especially...


Do you want advice? I'd say that it's too much for you and that you should leave her, as it's actually not fair to her to be with someone who doesn't love, trust, and respect her.

I had two men in my life that I'd like to talk about in relation to this situation you're in.
One man I met when I was 19 and he was 31, and I was as green as could be... he didn't treat me well and gave me VD and didn't care, etc. The second man I met was a decade later, and he insisted on knowing my sexual past... I can tell you that it was a mistake on my part to tell him. He always had the images on a loop. And, in the end, he didn't treat me well either... even admitted that he'd stopped respecting me.


So, hearing you say that "I feel my darling's value has diminished in my eyes" is not far from "not respecting" her anymore, no? Think about that.

Doesn't this injured human being deserve to be in a relationship where she is respected and valued? I ask you.

Staying in a relationship with her will feel like you're doing her a favour, but trust me you are doing her no favours by staying.


I'd say the young woman should go to counselling for what she's been through and the reasons why she stayed. She could also work on her courage to face life on her own, alone, but on her own terms. There is CoDA.org which is Codependents Anonymous where she could find meetings to attend online or in-person. I hope she gets the care she needs.

It would be hard to prove that she was a victim if she lodges a complaint because of the issue of consent. It was ongoing for two years and it would be hard to demonstrate that all along, she was not consenting.

I think you are overreacting. For instance, you say that her closing her eyes means she is still being submissive, but many vanilla people close their eyes during sex. Apparently it allows one to focus on the sensory experiences better.

I think you need a therapist to give voice to your fears and images/thoughts on a loop. Separately, it would be good to go see a sex therapist as a couple, but interview sex therapists ahead of retaining one to ensure you get someone experienced in this domain. I think it would be far better to be crossing this treacherous terrain with the help of an skilled professional.