Weaponized Incompetence

Please don't mistake this for a male-bashing post. Men, women, and people who identify as non-binary are all capable of this.

Weaponized incompetence is when you don't like doing a certain task, so you deliberately mess it up, badly and repeatedly. You know that eventually your parter or roommate or family member will get frustrated and give up and do it themselves instead of asking you to pitch in. Ka-BAM!! You win! Now you'll never be asked to put away the laundry / wash the car / go to the grocery store / watch the kids / cook dinner / whatever, ever again. My experience has been with men doing this to women, but as I say, I'm well aware that's not the only way it happens.

I have seen people:

1.) Happily agree to cook dinner, but suddenly forget how to multitask, even though they can do so quite well at their job. They don't start the side dishes until the main course is done, and then they cook one dish at a time. First the meat, then the potatoes, then the vegetable, then the salad, then the dessert. Not only is dinner going to be very late, but most of it is cold before it's on the table. By the way, they've dirtied every dish in the kitchen in the process, and it's of course a sheer coincidence that you agreed to do the dishes if they'd cook. Don't like the way they did it? Cook dinner yourself next time, then. Which, of course, was their goal and the reason for doing it this way.
2.) Use bleach on colors, and/or throw colors in with whites and then wash it in hot water. Oops, the clothes got ruined. Sorry about your favorite dress, love. Please don't be mad at me. I guess I'm just not good at laundry. You'd better do it yourself from now on.
3.) Send a child to school in a dirty, wrinkled outfit, hair unbrushed, with whatever they ate for breakfast still all over their faces. Plus they're tired because they stayed up too late last night, watching a movie on TV that wasn't kid-friendly and gave them nightmares. Just not good at watching the kids, I suppose. You'd better do that yourself from now on.
4.) Ruin an expensive vacuum cleaner trying to pick up toys and socks with it, and an electric skillet trying to wash it in the dishwasher.
5.) Have to be told, EVERY SINGLE TIME, how to use the washer, dryer, dishwasher, and vacuum cleaner. Let the bathroom fixtures get grungy beyond belief because they "don't know" what product to use that will clean it.

Etc. Etc. Etc.

With my husband, after fifteen years of marriage he still doesn't know a dress from a nightgown, or pants (slacks) from leggings. If I have a sprained wrist, or can't do the laundry myself for any other reason, this makes a difference. We don't have a lot of closet space. I fold leggings and put them in a drawer, and my nightgowns go on hooks. Dresses and pants/slacks are put on hangers. We have had conversation after conversation about this, and yet repeatedly I find my night gowns and my leggings on hangers. Even though when I bought my newest night gowns, I pulled them out of the package in front of him, and explicitly told him they were night gowns, not dresses.

Just two weeks ago I held a dress up next to a gown and pointed out that the dress has buttons and a waistline, while the gown is shapeless and made of thinner fabric. Today he STILL thought that very same dress was a gown. It was as if the conversation two weeks ago didn't even happen.

I don't understand why he still doesn't get it. After all this time, I'm convinced it's another case of weaponized incompetence, that if he keeps messing it up often enough, I'll give up on asking him to put the laundry away, and just do it myself. And I am so sick and tired of that game. I don't ever want to have the "this is a dress, this is a gown, these are pants, these are leggings" conversation with him again. He can instantly spot the difference between a '73 Chevy and a '75 Ford. He grasps the concept of categories. If after fifteen years, and hundreds of conversations, I'm still having to tell him the difference between gowns and dresses, then he just doesn't care. He's not stupid. He *can* learn. He just doesn't want to.

I can't offer any solutions, but I can offer validation.

You're right. Totally right.

What you're experiencing is ridiculous. I've been on the receiving end of it myself and have seen this game.

You're dealing with someone who views you as their servant, or that these tasks are your job, and your frustration or your pain and injury doesn't matter, because this is your role to them.

And you're treated like a nag for saying anything.

This isn't gendered... I'm a guy. It's been done to me too.

RDMercer

I think your last three sentences sum it up: "He's not stupid. He *can* learn. He just doesn't want to."

It is not incompetence. It is a choice to do it badly or carelessly. So much for equal partnership..

And yes, men are typically guilty of that: 'I will mess it up, so that *she* has to do it herself. Hahaha'. Good for you for not giving up on yourself, despite the frustration.

I worked with people like that. Eventually they aren’t given any serious tasks because they ruin or half-***** everything. That’s likely why they do everything poorly. No one asks them to do anything

I can sense your frustration, and I've experienced similar lack of effort.

The same person who every day empties the dishwasher can't seem to remember where to put the items when loading it the same night. For over 20 years.

I find myself hiding my dirty laundry so it doesn't get ruined in the washer or put away wrinkled.

Then there's coworkers...

I wonder, does your husband ever do anything the right way? If so, it would be good to offer praise as you would to a clumsy child.

As well, if there's something he wants you to do, you could claim to be too busy hanging dresses and folding leggings because "if I don't do it, no one else will," or "these leggings won't fold themselves."

Do you have the means to hire someone to provide the help you need, or can a family member or friend provide the help?

Maybe just remember to breathe...

I think laundry is just something that isn’t important to him. He doesn’t care if his own shirts are on the hangers sideways with one sleeve inside out, so it stands to reason that he doesn’t care how my laundry is put away either. He thinks I’m being a perfectionist and making too big a deal over something minor.

Maybe I wouldn’t be quite so annoyed that he thought my dress was a gown, again, if I hadn’t just used that same dress two weeks ago to demonstrate the difference. What I say goes in one ear and out the other. If it’s not important to him, he’s not going to bother retaining it. And I am getting so sick and tired of having the same conversation over and over, only to have him completely forget everything I said, the next time the situation comes up.

Thank you everybody for not telling me I should shut up and be glad I have a husband who helps with laundry at all.

You’re absolutely right. “Weaponized incompetence” isn’t the same thing as just plain incompetence. It isn’t that you (general “you,” not aimed at anybody) don’t how to do something. It’s when you are *pretending* not to know how, and you consistently refuse to learn, so you get out of having to do it in the future. It’s done deliberately. Although my husband will insist he’s not doing it deliberately; he honestly “forgets” and can’t tell a night gown from a dress.

I wanted to elaborate. One time I held up two hangers side by side, with shirts on them. One was hung exactly as I described here. Sideways on the hanger, sleeves toward the front and back instead of at the sides, with one sleeve inside out. The other was hung properly. I asked him if he could see any difference between the two, and he swore up and down they looked exactly the same to him. All he saw was two shirts on two hangers.

He doesn’t see it because he doesn’t want to see it.

If one of my shirts were hung like that, I'd notice it immediately and fix it even if I already were late getting to work.

I was thinking all day that "Weaponized Incompetence" would be a good title for an album of a punk rock or heavy metal band.

It might at that.

So, we're all ok with bashing one gender or the other on this thread?

Looks like OP is too, since they quoted you and supported your statement.

I've been married to an abusive wife who's found umpteen reasons to not have virtually any responsibilities for about 15 years.

My uncle married a woman like that too.

So did one of my coworkers.

And so did my uncle's son.

And a friend of mine married an utterly useless man.

So..... Maybe it's not a gendered issue.


RDMercer

The original post on this thread was valid.

Broadly painting 49% of the population isn't, and that degree of disparaging generalization shouldn't be acceptable.

If a statement was made on this forum that people of color, or trans people, or gay people, are typically purposely incompetent due to laziness there would be repercussions.

I'm just dumbfounded how any of you thought that was OK to say, to support, or to quote.

As someone who lived in an abusive home and did everything from earning a pay to packing the lunches for the kids, and who still received disparaging comments weekly of how useless I was, I can't tell you how much this implies about each of you. Because I STILL never generalize about ANY group of people despite my own experiences.

RDMercer

@RDMercer I intend no offense. Sorry to have triggered bad memories. No it is NOT gendered. In my examples, the one who kept having to be told how to operate the appliances and didn’t know what product to use in the bathroom was my college roommate. Female, and two years older than I was.

Ironically enough, the one who ruined the central vacuum system trying to suck up toys and socks was my husband’s first wife. He’s been on the other end of it too.

The reason people tend to think it’s gendered is that an awful lot of comedians make jokes about how they manage to make their wives or girlfriends do more than their share by pretending to be idiots. One comic bragged about how he offered to do the grocery shopping, and his wife all but panicked. “NO! All you do is text me questions the whole time. I’ll do it.” The comedian smugly concludes, “Husband level: Expert.”

Which I don’t consider funny.

I supported and quoted the post in order to clarify that it’s deliberate, not just ignorance on how to do things. The “ignorance” is entirely feigned. I didn’t think it was being said that all men do this, and no woman ever does. I think it was being said that statistically it’s more likely to be a man. But not really typically. More like stereotypically.

This is a husband / man trait. There are several you tube channels and tick tocks that address it. As women put their notes together they realize this is a common way for males to get out of work and avoid conflict.

I even find it at work. My boss, who got to the position because he is clearly an expert in the field... constantly plays dumb so I will do things for him. It is his way to avoid telling me to do something and being the bad guy.

We have to be able to call this behavior out and that it is far more common with men before we get shamed for painting with a broad brush.

Have to agree that both genders do this to an equal extent, but the methods they employ may look a little different. Given that a lot of this type of behavior is learned in early childhood, that may not be too surprising.

Pretty much all human beings use passive aggressive behaviors at one time or another, but there are people who have made it a habit because it serves them. What'll really blow your mind is when you move past the point of thinking they do it to get out of having to do something they don't want to do, and you realize they do it because the sense of power and control they get from your reaction actually gives them pleasure. There's a book titled The Angry Smile that spells out the aspects of passive aggressive behavior very well.

My increasingly disordered H is prone to some of these "typical man things.". Though in his case, he has lost mental ability over the last few years, so it's hard to say where the line between intention and inability is anymore.

My MIL and mother both manifest PA behaviors as "accidental destroyers" among other things (which can be much worse than the little games H tries to play). A few years ago when the inlaws were visiting, no one was paying the attention to MIL that she wanted (busy with other things, not ignoring her). I watched her take FIL's phone and carefully balance it precariously in a side pocket on her bag. Couldn't figure out what she was doing, but it looked suspicious. About five minutes later, she too loudly exclaimed that she needed to show me her new bag and swung it around, sending FIL's phone flying and skidding across the tile floor. Of course he was mad, and they had a fight, which was probably a means to an end for her, and exactly what she wanted.

Had I suggested that she did it on purpose, she probably would have loved to light into me about how paranoid and cruel I am for suggesting that it was more than an accident

Passive aggressive behaviors are best ignored unfortunately. Plausible deniability is a hard mountain to climb.

I’ve seen my share of women doing this, so I can’t call it gendered, although it is probably more likely to come from a man. Certainly not all men. In this thread I think it would be better to leave gender out of it and just discuss how frustrating the specific behaviors are.

I don’t know the term for it, but there is a subset of weaponized incompetence that I would like to call malicious misunderstanding. My brother did that a lot. Only reason for the past tense is that I no longer have contact with him. Malicious misunderstanding is pretending they don’t get what you’re saying. You’re trying to set a boundary, but they just can’t grasp exactly what you’re asking of them. You say don’t call at night because you have to get up early in the morning for work, and you need your sleep. They have lots and lots of questions. What does “night” mean, exactly? After sunset? You specify after 9:00 PM. Do you mean THIS time zone, specifically, or 9:00 PM in any time zone? Does it change with daylight savings time? If they happen to call you at 8:59 and thirty seconds (which they will!) are you going to hang up on them, or can they finish the call? What about emergencies? Surely if Daddy had a heart attack and is on his way to the hospital, you’d want to know. Or do you just not care about Daddy? Say it’s OK to call if it’s an emergency, and they’ll pelt you with endless scenarios wanting to know if that’s an emergency.

They keep asking you to explain it again, but no matter how clearly and simply you say it, they still just don’t understand your point. As dang dumb and thickheaded as this may make them look, they have a reason for doing it. You will eventually decide they’re never going to understand, and in frustration you will give up trying to tell them. Good. Now you’ll drop the subject, and they don’t have to hear another word about it.

One of my favorite examples of this is my telling my mother not to call me unless somebody was sick or dying, then she calls to tell me that the lady who used to live next door to their paesano in italy is sick so of course i get mad, then she doesnt call me when my closest cousin passes. Just vicious.

They do understand. It’s not weaponized incompetence. They play dumb on purpose. Pretending. You can’t explain anything to people like that. Go about your life with no explanations. Sometimes they do it in order to start a fight. You have to either disengage or play the same game back.

Can relate!

They twist your words and use it as an excuse to violate your boundaries. They punish you for setting boundaries by deliberately going all the way to the other extreme. Which isn’t healthy either, and they know it, but now they can say you’ll complain no matter what they do. You call them out on smothering you at a time when you’re doing fine. You don’t need help. Yet they’re getting in your business and trying to make your decisions for you, and you’re perfectly capable of taking care of yourself, thank you. Then the next time you do need help, as we all do sometimes, “Oh, but I thought you could take care of yourself!” They’ll never help you again, no matter how legitimately you need it, unless you eat crow and agree to hand over total control of you again. It’s all or nothing.

Like that endless string of nonsense nit-picky questions. If you get frustrated, they flip the script on you. “Well, I’m not a mind reader! How do you expect me to know what you want me to do if you won’t tell me?” And here you are, telling them as plain as day, but they’re deliberately not hearing and understanding. They *know* what they’re doing.

Which leads to the next game in line: pushing you to the end of your rope, then when you finally react, you’re the problem. Now any further discussion is all about you being angry instead of about them provoking you.

Playing dumb on purpose is the definition of weaponized incompetence. They are not actually incompetent. They are pretending to be. That’s where the “weaponized” part comes in.

I’m editing out where I got impatient, but I don’t understand why I’m being told they’re pretending, as if that’s new information, when I was saying that all along. Of course they are not genuinely incompetent or genuinely misunderstanding. Of course they’re pretending. That’s the point.

I see. I think I got confused because if you knew they are pretending, why would you keep offering explanations. Since they are pretending to be clueless there is no point in explaining anything to them.

I see a difference between those two situations. Based on my experience, people who pretend to not understand are looking for a fight. Those who pretend they can’t do job well, hope you’ll leave them alone and do tasks yourself. Of course i am simplifying here but that’s the pattern I observed

This is really interesting... and so disgusting. I think if you are with someone who does this, it's more than just a quirk or even laziness. It's passive aggressive and malingering. There may be "dark triad" type personality disorders involved. They have likely been doing it since childhood and people ignore the red flags.


Honestly, how anyone reaches adulthood without being able to cook, clean, do laundry and look after themselves is ridiculous and clearly their parents pampered them too much.


My husband is disabled and there are certain things he can't do. But he is competent with laundry, housework and cooking - and I don't have to insist that he does these things - he takes the initiative. This is what a PARTNER in life does.


Also, when I do things he can't (like home repairs or taking the car to the shop) he will willingly accompany or assist me and look things up and won't be off playing video games or doing his own thing. He is willing to spend the time and investigate the problem with me.

Another thing is that when I have worked all day and he's been off that day, he will do housework including cooking AND insist on doing the cleanup after dinner as well (we do have a dishwashing machine). He has a sense of fairness that we should be spending equal amounts of time contributing and if I have just worked an 8-hour day and he hasn't, he will make sure he contributes. I do the same.


It's definitely not limited to one gender, but I think because most traditionally-female tasks like cleaning, cooking, child care and laundry need to be done EVERY DAY, whereas traditionally-male tasks like yard work or home repairs are more occasional, means that it could be more obvious when men are shirking. The traditional division of labour is not fair if both members of a couple are working full-time.


In short it's not okay for someone to use others - but I doubt this is something that can normally be solved by discussion or blame. Maybe marriage counselling if the shirking partner is amenable to it - which I suspect they would usually not be.

Sorry it took so long to get back to this.

At the time, I suppose I didn't realize they were only pretending not to understand. Particularly with my brother, I honestly thought I just wasn't making myself clear. Now I know, that's just exactly what he wanted me to think, so I'd give up trying to express my opinion and get down off my soapbox. If I "can't" explain my position adequately, then maybe I'm full of baloney after all.

He knew perfectly well, all along, the point I was trying to make.

I do believe that pretending not to understand what I mean is a form of weaponized incompetence. It doesn't seem to me that my brother was looking for a fight so much as he was trying to get me to shut up. In either situation, whether pretending not to understand, or pretending not to be good at doing the chore, the goal is to silence the other person.

Let me give an example of my brother pretending not to understand. Before I went no contact with him and blocked him on Facebook, my husband came down with pneumonia right around the same time I had a pretty nasty cold. On Facebook, I used this real-life situation as an analogy. My cold still needed treatment, even though it wasn't as serious as my husband's pneumonia. We were both sick, and both needed to take care of ourselves (and each other). Ignoring my own symptoms and insisting I'm not sick, just because he is sicker, wouldn't have done him any good. Likewise, we shouldn't compare trauma. We need not pretend we haven't suffered, just because we know about somebody who went through something worse.

My exact post:

"Telling people they shouldn't feel traumatized because something worse happened to somebody else is like telling them they shouldn't take medicine for that cold, because somebody else has pneumonia." ----Me

Several friends responded and indicated they got exactly what I meant, but my brother instead tried to steer the conversation in another direction. He wanted to talk about people who only THINK they have pneumonia, until they meet somebody with REAL pneumonia..... Yeah. By the same analogy, he was saying our childhood wasn't abusive because other people had it worse. He just wanted me not to talk about the abuse. That's why he pretended not to get my point.