Suggestions: Tactfully saying "No" without guilt

Hello All:

Brief update for those keeping up: I resigned from the "forced fun" job, went on vacation, and just picked up a freelance gig that fits my personality MUCH more.

Now to my topic. This is the first year that I've decided to change my narrative on the holidays. As a child, I dreamed that my family's holidays would reflect the commercials and holiday movies. They never did. My "relatives" (I've learned that family is what you make) put the "D" in DYSFUNCTIONAL. I spent most of my adult years trying to mimic that dynamic (and putting way too much pressure on myself in the process).

Needless to say, it was exhausting, and now that my Dad is gone and I am single, there is no need to do "all that". For some reason, people (that I don't know very well) feel compelled to invite me to Thanksgiving dinner. Apparently they feel like it's a bad thing to be "alone" for the holidays, but I actually find it refreshing. It's nice to not have plans and just be able to relax...

...but I feel bad for saying "no". It's really nice of them to ask, but my "no's" have been met with follow up questions that really aren't anyone's business. I was recently called "Scrooge" which also makes me feel bad.

Any suggestions on how to just say no and not have to deal with the backlash?

Hey zen, I got that a lot when I was single with no family down in Texas. A lot. It takes time to learn to say no without the guilt. I just told them that it was my day to relax. Somewhere else I described how I love to clean in the morning, also doing all my laundry, change the bed, then have a long, long relaxing bath. Then just snuggle with my cat and read or watch tv. That’s special to me. I love it. Thanksgiving is a bit different in that I watch the dog show before having a bath.

You can do it. Just keep saying no. Thank them for thinking of you but you’re covered.

I have been alone in the town I moved to for 16 years. When I plan on being alone for a holiday.....all you have to tell them is that you "already made plans". They don't need to know those plans are to enjoy the holiday alone. You don't have to reveal all your details to anyone asking...the details are none of their business & there should be no guilt in doing what you want.....changing your thinking regarding guilt may be something that needs worked on in your life

First thing, you actually have a "good" problem. That is, whether you know them well or not, you're surrounded by people that want to host you for the holidays. I get that there is a negative connotation for being "alone" during the holidays but I'm sure they mean well. If you want to spend it / them alone, cool. Do your thing.

Just on a personal level, years ago I was on the USS Abraham Lincoln CVN-72 and we were steaming to our home port of Alameda, California with an arrival date of just before Thanksgiving. There was a signup list in the galley to be "adopted" by a local family to go to their house for Thanksgiving. I'm usually an introvert but not wanting to eat galley food on turkey day, I thought, "What the heck?" so I signed up. I got adopted by this WONDERFUL family in Walnut Creek. They picked me up, took me home, welcomed me, fed me, etc.etc.etc. We stayed in touch for YEARS after I got out of the Navy and I regret not keeping in touch with them. They were wonderful people.

It is your choice how to spend the holidays, but I think you owe them an effusive expression of gratitude, and only after you have paid that debt, say no. Hopefully, feeling that you have appreciated them will deflect any backlash.

You aren’t alone in this dilemma. It’s kind of assumed that people would be getting together with families. Sadly it’s not always desired and isn’t always a good time. We supposed to appreciate having a family or other people to go to for holidays but it’s more complicated than that.

We had some fun activities at work yesterday and one of my students hurt his leg playing basketball. He was limping and dragging bag of ice around but he looked strangely happy. When asked why, he confided that he’ll use that as an excuse for not going to extended family for thanksgiving. I demonstrated fake cough I use to get out of things (it’s a joke, I don’t do that). We had good laughs. it’s a common theme in people’s lives

I decided to not partake in thanksgiving festivities either. Nope not feeling guilty. My husband works this holiday. Kids are not in a vicinity (too far to travel for just a few days). My dad wanted to go to this annoying extended family. So he is going. I can’t stand them so I am home.

I am having time of my life. It’s the best. Decorating our house for holidays. Playing music. We have pre made thanksgiving meal picked up yesterday. I have some tv shows to catch up on later I don’t feel guilty about anything. I bet some people would think oh poor divine alone for holidays. Little do these people know. It’s a blessing

You are under no obligation to go anywhere you don’t want to go

Hello ZenZeta, What has worked for me when I’ve been asked to others’ holiday celebrations and I don’t want to go is to thank them and then tell them I haven’t decided yet what I am going to do. For some reason, that has satisfied the people asking me, and it’s true—I can do whatever I want. Good luck to you!