Feeling weird and pathetic when I open up to others

Does anyone else feel weird and pathetic when opening up to others especially when you get older? I know people say it's okay to open up and it may even be healthy but it still feels weird and can open up many opportunities for people to judge you. I've been judged before and I've seen others be judged for opening up which is why I always reply with "I'm fine" or "pretty good" when someone asks how things are going. I've learned that most people don't actually want to hear anything negative when they ask how you are and I learned that the hard way many years ago.

It just sounds weak and repulsive when I open up and I always retract what I say when I accidentally tell someone that I'm not having a good day. I worry they will wonder why I felt the need to tell them that I'm upset and may feel weirded out so I tell them everything is actually fine even if it's not. There's always a stigma of disgust when someone opens up about how they feel especially if you're a guy even if people say they're okay with it and that there's nothing wrong with expressing yourself. The only time I'm okay with telling people about something negative I experienced is when I'm using it as a learning lesson and telling them how I made changes to ensure it doesn't happen again but otherwise I don't tell people about my problems.

It depends who you open up to. I don’t tell people about my problems either. Unless they are close friends/loved ones

I am also very careful who I open up to.

It does depend on the relationship, although it’s not always the case that a close relationship is always a one I feel safe opening up in. For instance my sister and my parents both have ample enough worries, I don’t want to burden them with mine, so they’ll get the abridged version of what is happening in my life.

It often feels a little uncomfortable to me opening up so I have to do it gently, a little at a time, if that makes sense. Like dipping my toes in the water.

Here is a good place to open up I feel, it’s anonymous and reciprocal. How do you feel about opening up here with us?

I agree, I don't even like opening up to people I do feel close to. In the rare times I do open up to a friend, I give a very basic summary instead of going into detail but even that feels weird.

I agree it does depend, I never open up to family and I give friends a very basic summary of what may be bothering me. Even then I feel weird opening up, I do feel comfortable opening up here but it still feels weird at times since it sounds whiny when I do so.

Sorry to hear that. Some people will definitely judge you for telling them anything that is not 100% positive. You should try to avoid being around people like thst as they are super judgmental. Trying to be positive ALL the time is exhausting.

If you feel like someone is going to judge you or not careabout what you have to say, then don’t tell them anything at all.

If you’re not sure about things, then test the waters a little. Open up about typical gripes like illness or work issues. Or maybe having to deal with traffic or bad wether. Stuff that most people can relate to.

I find that most people tend to be more empathetic towards issues they can relate to.

If you’re dealing with depression for example & talking to someone who’s never had any issues with being depressed, then you’ll be a lot less likely to receive any support or understanding.

Do you have a therapist that you can talk to? It sounds like you need someone to listen to you & offer support without judgement.

Actually learned to open up a bit in my DBT group. Learned how mostly to try to give an overview, not all the massive details.

After that group, with friends I only said something if it comes up in conversation.

I just got involved in some leadership training for the Celebrate Recovery group that is starting for the community in Jan. 2024. Our small study group is amazing & has bonded so well, we are able to share & talk over everything with each other. Never experienced this before in my life & we all realize we do have many similarities even though different....it is nice to have others who understand to open up to. None of us feel pathetic because we know everyone understands.

Outside of groups like that like I said....only open up when it is part of the conversation & especially when it has been a personal exlerience I have had & the discussion needs some enlightenment cause they seem to have a limited point of view. I was only able to do this once I got to know what I had gone through & the words to express well what my personal experience actually was.....at that point my understanding is expert & I don't feel pathetic because then I am in control of opening up & expressing my personal experience which many times is so different from their unknowledgable perception built in no experience.

I agree that being positive 100 percent of the time can be exhausting due to having to wear a mask and put on an act. Also I do tend to test the waters with most people and it's very easy to determine who may be okay with some venting and who I avoid venting to at all costs. One of the big signs someone doesn't want to hear venting is if you mention anything that is even remotely negative and they cut the conversation short especially in an abrupt manner. I always make sure to never ever say anything negative around those kinds of people since they clearly don't want to hear it.

Also no I don't talk to a therapist mainly because I don't feel as though my problems are big enough and don't have the money. I also hate burdening other people which is also why I dislike venting even if it's with a therapist and it's also why I always retract what I say too. I'm one of those people who may vent on occasion but then I say that everything is fine the next time I see that same person which sometimes things really are just fine. I don't want people to shy away from me so that's why I always try to be positive despite how exhausting it can be.

Oh congratulations on joining the group, sounds like a great experience to be a part of and not feel judged. Also I'm the same way in terms of telling people my personal issues, I only talk about things if it's brought up in conversations or if I'm telling my personal experiences as a learning lesson. I've noticed some people are more accepting of hearing negative personal experiences if you talk about it as a learning lesson, I think it's because it involves how you solved or will solve whatever the issue is rather than just simply venting and feeling pathetic in the end. Even then I keep things very light and try not to get too intense about it, I don't want to weird anyone out or push anyone away.

I’ve struggled mentally these holidays, there’s been a lot going on within my family. Very few people know the full extent, even those I trust I’m careful how much I share so as not to upset them. I identify with what Eskie says, I share the bare facts, not details. Most people close to me know sort of what’s going on but not the distress I’ve been in - although I post anonymously here that I’ve been crying I don’t want to share that depth at this moment with anyone.

Sorry to hear that. Is there anyone that you can talk to? It might help to talk to someone. There must be at least one person you know that you can trust.

@rdgrad15 This is why I pay a therapist. Mine, at least, has a way of never coming across as judgmental (she may be judgy, but I can never see it).

Thanks, I do have a couple of people I trust but they have so much going on in their lives right now I feel it’s unfair to burden them.

I see. That’s to bad.

Yeah it’s like the OP described, I feel like I’m burdening them when I open up.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Discombobulated Yeah it’s like the OP described, I feel like I’m burdening them when I open up.

That is exactly why I kept my T after she said I was ok & really didn't need her any more. I explained to her when big issues came up still dealing with that past that I just needed someone to talk those things through without burdening my friends who really didn't even know the complexities of my past even though I knew exactly how to handle them myself

That makes good sense. When I came to the end of therapy many years ago the T seemed confused by my request to hang on, she felt like we were done but I did feel like you that I’d wanted someone to talk through with. Unfortunately I felt like I was bothering her too, so we did end. I should’ve followed my gut instinct.

Sorry op I don’t mean to hijack but I do experience a lot of this now too.

I’m sorry you’ve been struggling and the holidays definitely don’t help. Also I give people the bare basics as well since I don’t want anyone to feel pressured or burdened and pull away from me.

That’s good your therapist isn’t judgy.

Yeah I don’t like the idea of burdening friends either.