Should I reach out to my mom for the holidays?

MuddyBoots · Nov 25, 2023, 03:14 AM

She kicked me out at the beginning of the month with Hep C, malnutrition/a severe eating disorder, nowhere to go, snow on the ground because she thought I was on drugs (I wasn't at the time even passed an at home drug test, but I was previously).

She didn't call me for Thanksgiving, and I haven't called her. I feel like I should because she's family, but now that I've had time away I've realized how toxic she is.

Molinit · Nov 25, 2023, 08:43 AM

I think space is probably what both of you need. Concentrate on getting treatment and becoming more physically healthy, and then make a decision whether to contact or not.

jesyka · Nov 25, 2023, 04:13 PM

No. Sorry to hear that. It sounds like she was making excuses to kick you out as your drug test came out clean.

She is toxic. She needs to apologize for what she did to you. If she doesn’t, then stay away from her.

Where are you staying now?

SpaghettiLegs · Nov 25, 2023, 09:14 PM

If your mother's toxicity is the root cause of your problems or a major contributing factor then it's probably better to wait until you're feeling strong enough to stick to strong boundaries. I don't necessarily believe we should totally cut ties with people we deem toxic if we can remain mindful of the toxic traits we can learn a lot about ourselves by interacting with them? Like, how do they try to manipulate me, how has it conditioned me, which toxic traits have I inherited?

It's natural that you want your mum to love you and care about you so you'll always want to give her another chance no matter what, because you are a good person and believe in the good in others, which sometimes may not exist or can't be accessed because of their own trauma.

Revenge Tour · Nov 26, 2023, 12:23 PM

"Family" is a very relative term. I'm closer with a lot of friends whom I consider more "family" than my own blood.

With that, your call. I wouldn't feel obligated.

Tart Cherry Jam · Nov 26, 2023, 09:53 PM

Wait until you are stronger, in all senses of the word, and then you can consider initiation the process of repairing this connect. I agree with the above poster that now is not the time.

MuddyBoots · Nov 27, 2023, 12:55 AM

I didn't think so.

I'm staying at this guy's apartment. We were supposed to be bandmates but that's on hold for the moment.

Open Eyes · Nov 28, 2023, 04:17 PM

The most important thing you should focus on is both your physical and mental health. Stay away from using drugs because all they do is make things worse.

Unfortunately a parent can fail their child because they don’t know how to interact with a child in healthy ways and are clueless when it comes to child development So any kind of challenge can lead to anger and frustration.

It’s important to find people who can help you find resources. Going to an AA meeting can be a good start as there are often people there that can guide you towards helpful resources.

BeyondtheRainbow · Dec 01, 2023, 09:58 PM

This is just my experience but I'd wait. When something potentially painful happens I think it is best to not have it happen when there are seasonal reminders. My nom-bio dad died just before Chriastmas and Christmas always will have a little tinge of additional sadness that wouldn't be there if he's died in March.

I hope that when you reach out it will be positive but overall it may be highly emotional either direction and with something you may want to forget a less memorable time. (On the other hand everything could go perfectly and you'd have a happy memory. But I don't think many things in life go perfectly). I hope this doesn't come across as negative.

MuddyBoots · Dec 02, 2023, 02:35 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

This is just my experience but I'd wait. When something potentially painful happens I think it is best to not have it happen when there are seasonal reminders. My nom-bio dad died just before Chriastmas and Christmas always will have a little tinge of additional sadness that wouldn't be there if he's died in March.

I hope that when you reach out it will be positive but overall it may be highly emotional either direction and with something you may want to forget a less memorable time. (On the other hand everything could go perfectly and you'd have a happy memory. But I don't think many things in life go perfectly). I hope this doesn't come across as negative.

Thanks. This was the most helpful response (not that the other responses weren't helpful...) but yeah, I don't want every holiday to be "Yup, Sam was drinking/drugging and running off on ke now!" even if that was a twisted version of the truth.

Open Eyes · Dec 07, 2023, 10:11 AM

@MuddyBoots I noticed a post of yours in the addictions forum where you shared that your father was/is an abusive psychopathic alcoholic and that affected you.

I think that his abusive behaviors also traumatized your mother and it triggers her when you engage where she experiences a powerless and helplessness and gets angry. When one is exposed to someone that is controlling and abusive, part of the damage that takes place is not feeling safe enough to love.

Unfortunately toxic people choose to be abusive because all they want is power over and control. These people prefer to instil fear and they will punish anyone who challenges them. When someone is a victim if they break free from a toxic person, it can take years to develop a sense of power and often the person struggles with ptsd.

It’s very possible that your mother is extremely sensitive when it comes to dealing with any kind of substance abuse.

You ask how is it that people who care react in ways you see as extreme or not helpful. People can care and genuinely want to help but they simply don’t know how.

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Should I reach out to my mom for the holidays?

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