Triggers

Sometimes I kick myself for having gone back to my abusive ex husband after our first separation.

During our marriage, I secretly joined several narc abuse support forums on Facebook.

When I went back to my ex, I stayed away from these abuse forums because people there would have confronted me with the truth, I didn't want to hear it at the time, and I went into a complete state of denial, thinking that my husband had many good qualities and so he really couldn't be that way.

I see many victims on my FB forums doing the exact same thing about the abuse they experience. They don't want to see it, they don't want to admit it and they cannot face it, so they deny the abuse.

I think this is because it's SO damaging to one's self esteem, self worth, self image and perception of one's judgment to admit that they are being abused and mistreated.

Most especially I see this happening on these forums with victims who have been involved already with one or more previous abusers.

And so the victim vehemently defends their next abuser and places rose colored glasses on, denying, excusing, explaining away, and minimizing the abuse, all while espousing that person's so-called "good qualities". I've even seen these victims express rage at survivors who bare the truth to them and who expose the abuser for what they are. That's denial.

It's very sad, it's very pitiful, and it's also very maddening for me. It's a trigger for me because of my own brief denial of my ex's abuse towards me, so I have to greatly limit my time on these FB forums.

What's sad to me is that these victims will continue to lie to themselves and to everyone else, they will continue to defend and excuse their abuser and get mad at those who expose the truth, all while they are being destroyed emotionally, mentally & even financially.

But, realistically, that's their issue, not mine, and their choice, and not mine. I have to step back and understand that I cannot save victims in denial. They have to save themselves at some point and face the truth at some point. And it's not my job to show them the way.

So, I am limiting my time on these abuse forums because they're so very triggering for me at times. I now visit them maybe once per week and respond to some victims' posts, but not many.

Bottom line is - I still have triggers because of the abuse I experienced, and I have to protect myself.

And whenever I experience "abuse amnesia" or feel the trauma bond pulling at me again, all I have to do is return to my forums, read several entries, and then I am brought right back down to reality.

I feel very sorry for those victims who choose to stay in an abusive relationship or marriage. I guess all I can do is pray that they will see the truth one day and will choose to save themselves.

I avoid triggers & triggering situations too ...

I personally believe it's the best self-care we can give ourselves.

As I recently told a friend that kept saying & doing things that were triggering to me ...

That friendship is now broken due to their insensitive behavior.

I hear you.. I am trying to pay greater attn to my triggers and also do far greater self care. Self care is SO important, and I am learning that more and more as I mature, learn and grow. Unfortunately, sometimes that means separating from and distancing from people who trigger us.

I have seen abusive couples in public. Arguing, belittling, etc. I can only imagine what goes on behind closed doors. Nobody should have to live like that.

For those that tolerate the abuse, by not doing anything, you're empowering your abuser.

Behind closed doors it's far worse. My ex used to follow me from room to room, screaming at me. I would try to stop it by leaving the room and closing the door. Inevitably, he would stand outside the door, pounding on the door and screaming to be let in. Sometimes, I had to run away and leave the house altogether to escape. It was HORRENDOUS.

And yes, I agree with you. When the victim chooses to stay, despite knowing that it's abuse, it's enabling and allowing the abuse. However, I also know of victims who have to stay due to financial constraints, or children and lack of resources. Those are the victims I feel the worst pain for because they feel they cannot escape. In that case, I don't feel or believe that they are enabling or empowering their abuser. They are stuck and have to find the means to get out, like by escaping with nothing to a shelter, even with their kids. And women do this... I know of women who have escaped with no belongings and no money to a shelter. Thank goodness shelters exist for just that reason.

But I also know of victims who choose to stay out of fear of worse abuse if they leave. Abusers often will escalate if they think their victim is trying to leave and they often will make threats to take away the children. So, fear will stop many victims from leaving as well.

There are lots of different case scenarios. But the most triggering for me are the victims who try to excuse and explain away the abusive behaviors by saying oh, they have mental health issues, or they have this diagnosis or that, so that's the cause of the abusive behaviors, not that the person is in fact, abusive. That's where I get seriously triggered. In this case, the victim in my opinion is being foolish and is lying to themselves. And I have trouble with that.

I, myself, only went into a somewhat state of denial for about a week. Once I had my husband back and experienced the abuse all over again, I couldn't deny it. But I still thought we had a chance because at the time, he took ownership and so we went to therapy. Boy, was I mistaken. Therapy does not work with abusers. They don't change, and I realized how foolish my own thinking was at the time. I wanted to make it work. I wanted to have hope. But eventually, I gave up and walked away.

I am rip roaring pissed off at my ex narc husband!

I received a letter in the mail yesterday from Honda Financial Services.

It had a letter and an unpaid parking ticket that my ex had gotten, not me. It appears as though I am still on his Honda lease agreement, when he had allegedly taken out a lease two years ago in his name only?? I had been on his prior lease, and he promised he took out one in his name only two years ago.

But now MY drivers license is in threat because of HIS unpaid ticket! That's what the letter said, and it's well past the due date.

So I broke no contact. I wrote him a scathing email asking WHY I am still on his lease and telling him he better not cause me any trouble, or I am going to be rip s*hit. I also told him that I paid his f'ing late parking ticket. Two months of no contact - broken. I am SO upset.

Now I have to call Honda to see if I am in fact, on my ex's car lease. And if I am, there's going to be BIG trouble with my ex. UGH!!!!!!! And here I thought I was done with him!!!

This is all very triggering, and I can't smoke any cigs! I quit 7 days ago!!!

Edited to include: I checked my credit report, and there is no listing of a current car lease with Honda.

So, perhaps that letter was sent to me by mistake & I broke no contact for NO reason???? That's upsetting to say the least.

I am not on his car lease and it was some sort of mix up, thank goodness. I did have to have contact with my ex though, who did pay me back. I don't want any contact, but this situation forced me to reach out to him. UGH.

I am very triggered right now.

I quit smoking cigs over a week ago and am learning how to cope with triggers without smoking. Deep breathing helps. But I am triggered.

Other people's opinions are just that - an opinion, not fact. I am choosing to completely ignore someone's opinion that triggered me into a state of emotional upset. It rocked me for a bit, but I am Ok and I know that I can easily just dismiss this issue and go about my life.

However, I am dealing with SO much right now and am just trying to hold it together and function at work.

Triggers are tough to deal with. I am not drinking much these days either. One way I am coping is to smoke some herb at the end of my work day. Is that so bad?