My brother ordered me out of his hospital room.

Thank you for asking. I just now discovered your post. My mental health is not good.

I am very sad and depressed. I keep trying to think of a plan I can believe in. Nothing I think of, or tell myself, gives me any hope.

I should just get up and finish picking up around the place. I should get dressed. Everytime I get up, my urge is to go back to sitting or lying down. If I could just get out of the house, but it's too hard to even get off the couch.

I want to get some help, but I don't think there is any for someone like me. I've had some negative experiences dealing with mental health professionals.

There is a lot of judgementalism out there. It is understandable. The reason is that a depressed person appears very much like a lazy person. When you see someone lying around, doing nothing, it's hard not to believe that the person is creating her own hell. In a way, that is true. While depressed, we do create our own hell. Many think a depressed person needs "tough love" and not molly-coddling, because the depressed person needs to get off their ***** and do something, which is kind of true.

If only I didn't have to be alone so much. I don't need to have anyone throw a pity-party for me. It would help just for someone to believe me. Over the past month, I have made efforts to not just vegetate. There is no way to explain how hard it has been to do ordinary things that I magaged to do. Anyone might say, "What's the big deal?" There is no explaining this state of mind. Mornings are really bad. If there were somewhere I could go to be with other people, even for just an hour in the morning, I'ld likely feel less distressed for the rest of the day.

Rose, this is just an idea I want to share. I often drive past our local adult day school (a school for adults that is part of the public school district) and they have signs "volunteer tutors needed". So I thought to myself today that this is something I would want to do if I ever have time for it, to give someone the gift of GED or even reading, or ESL. But for you especially, I think you are a very nurturing person, having seen your posts on other people's threads, and so it would give tremendous satisfaction to be such a source of advancement in another person's life. Plus, tutoring sessions are probably held in the evening because tutees must be working low skill jobs during the day. And by evening, you can get out of bed, right? I think if you had to go to an appointment, to teach a lesson, i.e. go somewhere where another human depends on your skillset and generosity, it would be much easier to get out of bed and get bathed and dressed than when you just tell yourself not to vegetate. Maybe your local adult school seeks tutor volunteers, too? I know public libraries also run programs matching tutor volunteers with students.

What a difficult situation. I don't have any advice, I just hope you're doing okay.

I've saved my bro a few times and it's cost me dearly so I'm starting to accept that next time he's on his own. It's easier when they're ghosting, takes the moral dilemma away for a time. *Hugs*

That's a very good suggestion. I believe I'ld like doing that.

It's 4 a.m. and I just got into bed. I tried to brush my teeth first. I couldn't find the energy to put the toothpaste on the brush. So I brushed with just water and not very well.

This can't possibly go on and on.

Your post helps me, even without advice. It helps that someone notices and wishes me well.

I'm sorry your brother tends to get in trouble. There comes a point where you have to let go and detach.

I wonder what it would have been like to have had a nice brother?

I know, i know! (waves hand frantically)

One time my neighbor was moving, and her brother showed up to help!

Another time, it was another neighbor's birthday, and her brother came over after work and met us at a restaurant. I was like, this is so nice of you to come all this way! It turned out, he and my brother lived in the same suburb.

And i think, just about everybody's brother shows up for their big fat italian wedding. It didnt even register how humiliating that was. Mine didnt, but he did take me to lunch after my divorce, a few years later.

I must admit, there were about 20 years where there were monthly family dinners as my nephew was growing up, but no contact with my mother resulted in no contact with my nephew, despite my t's insistence that there could be a separate relationship. Like father, like son, i guess.

I think there are all kind of different variations of dysfunctions.

My brother is very nice but family dysfunction is still there.

One time my daughter dated some guy with a very dysfunctional family and she said oh they are so awful compare to these people we are the most wonderful family on the planet. Lol

I think it’s all relative. Sometimes I think I wish I had a family like XYZ people but then I think I bet they have some drama I just don’t know about.

I think sometimes having in your face awful family might be better because then you know what you get. Like loud mouth get drunk at family dinners and get into fist fights kinda crazy. You know what you get. You come prepared so to speak. My family is very civil on surface. “On surface” is operative terms. I don’t know what’s better

When I am depressed, I cannot do dental hygiene at all. It is actually the first thing, dental hygiene, that I do when I come out of a depressive spell.

Thanks for posting that you understand about the teeth-brushing. You mention coming "out of a depressive spell." That also shows you know what I'm talking about. Depression for me comes as an "episode" or, as you say, a "spell." It has a starting date and time. It has an ending date and time. Sometimes I'm in a spell. Sometimes I'm not. My problem now is how to "come out of" this "spell" that I'm still in. I don't know what exactly does it, but I know when I've "come out." It's like my head was held under water, and then suddenly I can breathe. That's the "coming out." I wish I could make it happen because this spell has gone on too long.

When I decorated my Christmas tree, I felt better while I was doing that. I know I should get up and do things.

My retired friend just got matched with the kid she’ll tutor starting January. I think I posted about it before that her recreation community center does tutoring services for kids in the area. The one she tutored last year she actually became friends with a kid’s parent because of it. I think I probably posted about it before. I wonder if community center by you does something like that? My friend wanted to do adult literacy tutoring but ended up liking spending time with kids.

And schools always need volunteers. Just need background check and then you can read stories ti kids and what not. I understand it’s not for everyone but you might like it.

@divine1966 - thank you for talking about your friend who tutors. Where I live is a big enough city that there has to be opportunities like that around me.

Right now I am very low. I need to get a little better than I am to be able to even begin investigating what I might find to do.

I've been trying to fall asleep. It feels like I can't face anything.

I tried to find old posts of mine to remember when I was doing well. I know I posted that I was doing well back in October. I want to get back into that state of mind. I try to understand how I was doing so well and what ruined that. Right now I don't believe this is going to blow over. It just won't let up. I keep breaking down. This can't possibly keep being my reality. Something has to give.

Maybe I should try to find a movie. I know suggestions have been offered, either here or in another thread of mine. Maybe I should set a timer to make myself do something, until it rings. Sometimes, I've felt better once I managed to start. The starting was hard.

I just want to go sit with someone somewhere. At the same time, I want to avoid people. I get a lot of social anxiety sometimes, and it's bad right now. I took an extra Vicodin 2 hours ago, hoping for an opioid lift. That didn't work at all.

For years I've thought that, if I got in extreme despair, I would go to the pound and adopt a dog . . . as a last ditch effort to make life tolerable. I'm afraid I would regret doing that.

Years ago, I tried to use alcohol as a pain killer of mental pain. It didn't work. It was helpful for tension and anxiety, but not for depression. So I never became a big drinker. My latest remedy has been edible cannabis to get to sleep at night. That has worked pretty good at knocking me out at night. I've been up until 3 a.m. a lot of nights. That's when I take one half of a gummy (15 grams of THC) and, next thing I know, it's morning. I've tried lots of stupid ways to feel better. If I would just stick with doing something smart on a regular basis . . .

Something's got to end this. I'm so lucky to have so many things that are going okay. I have the material things I need. My health is pretty good. So many people lack necessities and live in a constant state of severe want. I have a decent foundation to build on. I just need to make a few connections. Yet, I'm overwhelmed, like I fell into an abyss.

Movies are a good idea. Old Christmas ones. I don’t know what your taste is but there are tv shows are periodically rewatch that are always a good mood lifter.

I managed to get dressed and eat some breakfast . . . at 2 in the afternoon. I think I need to get out of the house now. There has to be a way to ease this.

Sit in a coffee shop drink something and read a book or a magazine? You can spend two hours there.

Just posting a whole pile of loves here for in case you can feel them through the computer screen, Rose

I've been sitting on the couch for over 2 hours telling myself to go out before it gets dark. Almost dark now. I failed to move.

I will go now . . . maybe to a coffee shop. Any move in any direction will be better than this paralysis.

Thank you for these latest posts. It's nice for anyone to care.

I know I have to help myself. I know I have not been trying enough.

*takes Rose out to a coffee shop and treats her to coffee and cake*

I got from the bed to the couch. I'm very tired.

I think of asking for some psych help, but then I remember how that didn't help much in the past. In the past, it made me feel worse.

Maybe you'd get connected with a better fit this time if you asked for help? Or maybe not. It's hard to predict.


The other tricky thing about depression is getting so weighed down by the 'shoulds.' Beating ourselves up for not getting dressed or leaving the house or whatever isn't great motivation. I hope you treat yourself to something you enjoy this week, whatever that is.

@hvert - yes, it is hard to predict. I keep expecting the worse. I remind myself that good things happen too. How I've been looking at things sure hasn't given me motivation.