Tired of Disrespectful Adult Children

Decided to check on my 31 year old son and this is what I get. I probably shouldn't have said I'll be dead soon but I'm tired of him always saying I'm annoying. I don't even want to have Christmas.



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From what you shared, it looks like your son is trying to set boundaries with you and you try to make him feel guilty by talking about your problems.

Raising our children is about helping them learn how to be independant and self sufficient. Part of that is also having boundaries and that means even with family.

"Probably" shouldn't have said you'll be dead soon? C'mon now.

I promise I'm not trying to make light of your situation. I truly hope you can work things out. Based on the snapshot, it appears that you and your son need far more help than an online forum could ever offer. And I'm not one to say therapy is the magic pill because it's not. I had issues (very similar to this) with my own son. We did therapy, programs, medication, you name it. Nothing worked. We talk some now but the relationship is damaged and I know he's set in his ways that I don't agree with. That's why he doesn't live in my house any more. I simply couldn't (and still don't) trust him. Am I correct in saying your son doesn't live with you?

Lastly, you have all my sympathy about not wanting Christmas. I have been there. In the REALLY bad years, we didn't even get a tree yet I'd STILL feel obligated to buy him presents. My daughter (two years younger than my son) is the one who REALLY suffered and I'll never forgive myself for that. Now the roles are reversed. She comes home from school and is welcomed into our house for her breaks. On Christmas day I run a plate of food over to my son's place and spend some time with him. It's obviously not ideal but I do what I have to do.

I just hope you can find peace and solitude.

To give some context, my 31 year old son has addiction issues, adhd and a very bad temper. He behaves like a 15 year old and is on his phone the whole time he has his own 3 year old son. (Whom I watched for him daily when he had temporary custody)

So I was trying to remind him, because he forgets so easily, that he has an allergy to penicillin. Any time at all I try to have an adult conversation or gently suggest (and believe me I way my words carefully with his Temper) he tells me I'm annoying.
I've had it with that constant disrespect. He can't converse his feelings to me or speak to me with a modicum of respect and I'm done.

Yes we could benefit from counseling but he quit going. He's an angry, bitter, immature man just like his father and I'm only venting hoping someone else understands.

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Thank you for that. My son does not live with me.
I just figured family should support each other emotionally. Like "Hey don't forget!" Or " I know you like..." etc.

But my kids have all been damaged so deeply by their fathers abuse and my mental illness that every conversation is filled with stressful cutting jabs at each other.

I'm sorry that you know how it is. I'm glad to see that you've been able to establish a connection at least with your son

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I'm sorry to hear about your struggles. It sure isn't easy and there's certainly no "right" way to approach it. I know this will sound extremely cold but, given the toxicity in the relationship, I'd very seriously consider just cutting ties altogether. I get it. He's your son. But you also owe it to yourself to be happy and content. I don't know. Kicking my son out of the house was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. He was living out of his car for a while and I felt terrible but I was tired of his abuse, theft and the basic misery he brought into the house. Nobody should have to live like that.

And you're right, while I do have some sort of connection with him, it's far from ideal. He'll always be my son and I'll always love him but even then there are boundaries.

That sounds so much like my son except my son is 23 with no kids. Addiction (at one time), ADHD, volatility, and immaturity? Check. So difficult to deal with.

It helps to have more information about your son. However, the conversation you shared that you had with him still shows you are expecting him to give you something he is just not capable of giving. This is especially true for those who have attention deficits as they have a hard enough time sorting through their own challenges. He genuinely doesn’t have the patience to fix any of your emotional problems. So telling him about your fears regarding your health is trying to emotionally blackmail him and that NEVER works with someone that has your son’s challenges. Your son has developed addiction problems because he is trying to escape his own emotional problems. It sounds like his father did the same thing and you and your children suffered from it.

Yes. This exactly. I don't know how to talk to my son. I feel like my kids can't stand me
Maybe I have adhd too

This is why I'm glad I posted this here.

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I did emotionally blackmail....
Thank you for bringing that to my attention

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I sympathize with you in that having a partner or child that has ADHD is a constant challenge. My husband has both ADHD and Dyslexia and I have been married to him for 43 years. My mother in law said to me on my wedding day “good luck keeping up with him because I never could”. Well , I sure found out what she meant and I was also going to learn about alcoholism and binge alcoholism. Though my husband has been sober for 32 years, the alcoholism is still a part of his life as he goes to AA meetings just about every nite. He helps others and he seems to need that social outlet. There are many others in that program that like him have ADHD. They just NEED to be busy and social.

For the most part these individuals are driven and wrestless and tend to have less dopamine receptors in their brain so when they are introduced to alcohol that stimulates dopamine they are very susceptible of developing an addiction to where they can drink more than others and even black out and seem to still function until they finally pass out.

It’s actually important to understand this challenge so these individuals can learn how to stimulate the dopamine they do have in healthy ways so they don’t end up alcohol drug dependent where they hurt themselves and others.

Luckily for me I ended up having two therapists, both men, that are married to someone with ADHD. My last therapist’s wife and son both have ADHD and he had to learn to be very patient. These individuals are very busy and active. They don’t like to sit around, they can get very bored. No they don’t do well sitting and listening, they just don’t have the attention span. Yes, they can get frustrated and angry. It’s a spectrum so some are more difficult than others. One therapist I had that met my husband told me that he noticed right away that my husband is VERY ADHD.

My mother in law told me how my husband as a baby had to be driven around in the car just to go to sleep. I finally got to the point where we have to sleep in separate beds because my husband is loud and busy in his sleep.

Your son should be getting help to stop drinking AND how to better manage his ADHD.

It’s not easy because often these individuals prefer to live in denial that they do have a problem with alcohol/drugs. Expecting him to pay attention to your emotional challenges etc is a waste of time.

I sat in on some AA meetings and I got overwhelmed because so many in the room had ADHD. Ironically, so many in the bars/clubs that are actively drinking have it too. The difference is how one group lives in denial and often dysfunctional behaviors while the other group pretty much hit bottom and finally are on a path of learning how to live a better way.

My husband just seems to need that social environment. I admit that I feel lonely or that I am not enough. Now that I am older and have my own challenges, I am glad my husband is sober and has a way to get his adhd social needs met.

I acknowledge how immensely difficult it must be to be in your shoes and just want to make a small comment.

You wrote that reminding your adult son of his penicillin allergy is an example of trying to have an adult conversation. I think it is rather treating him like a child: an adult is supposed to know of his allergies and if he forgets, by now it is his problem and you shouldn't bring it up. You did all you could in the past to raise his awareness of his allergy I am sure; now, let him deal with it. If he gets a bad reaction, he will learn. He may be somebody who only learns this way.

I suggest that you not call him "disrespectful" or otherwise criticize him/call him names.

I know that he may richly deserve it, and desperately need guidance. But unless he asks for guidance, criticism sounds (to him) very provocative, seems to lead him to unhelpful replies, and drives him away.

This is true

I am just struggling to get over the fact that when his son was born, he and the mom were alcoholic/addicts (using around a newborn) and eventually my son left then took care of his son full time ( my daughter and I babysat full time)

My son has slowed down but behaves like a 15 year old even around his son. He has used again, let his new gf of 1 week spank my grandson ( they split up), ignores my grandson, plays way too rough and is fooling around with the baby mama again (who had cirrhosis at age 31 and is severely mentally ill, lives near addicts and dealers who hang out with her kids)

How do I sit back and let him be when there is a child involved and my son can't even take care of himself?

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If he is drinking and using drugs and neglects or abuses his three year old child then you should report this to DCYF. This child has no skills to protect himself.

Don’t sit back and watch an innocent child be subjected to the behaviors of a father or anyone that abuses alcohol or drugs and becomes a danger to the child.

It would be a wrenching decision to call Child Services, but I agree with Open Eyes.

I wonder if you and your daughter are in a position to consider caring for your grandson again, especially if Child Services intervenes.

I agree. If you possibly can, get custody of your grandson with assistance from child services.

You have to make CPS report and maybe even police report and you might need to petition courts in regards to your grandson being neglected/mistreated. Asking your son if he informed doctors about his allergy wouldn’t solve the issue of your grandchild being mistreated. Please call CPS today

MY adult sons, in their thirties, can be disrespectful, too. I haven't addressed it with my therapist, but i will if they "act up" when I see them at Christmas.

I suggest you go to therapy on your own, It works well for me. (I often talk about frustrations with my hubby, though.) We can give you our advice, but we're not trained counselors. I agree that he probably felt you were mothering him too much--a hard balance to keep. I do feel for you--and I think a counselor can be a lot of help. Just one addditional thought i have is he might have some brain challenges due to his mother's alcohol abuse when he was in his womb. (Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.) Those children can be very irritable, etc.