Fiancée ended longterm relationship suddenly

Hello,

This weekend my fiancée made the decision to end our almost 10 year relationship out of the blue.

She thought she was making me miserable (she wasn't) and she was unhappy that we had started to argue more.

She had come to learn a few months ago through work that she has and avoidant attachment style which she mkept to herself, I have misunderstood this for her sometimes being disinterested or seeming to not care aboht certain things. She has never been overly affectionate but things took a turn a week away where she became distant seemingly out of nowhere

I was only made aware of this over the last week , if i'd have known i would have tried to be less pushy with my feelings as at least i would have been aware of how she was feeling. As she struggles with talking about that.

I am absolutely devastated, i think we could have worked around these issues now we are both aware of them l,but she seems to have given up. I don't want to give up on this until she tells me it's useless but i don't want to push. She still wants me in her life and is still currently living with me, but she seems to be in a far worse place now than she ever was before. She went to family over Christmas and said that she missed me and still loves me/is in love with me. I just don't know what to do for the best.

Does anyone have any experience being in a relationship with someone with and avoidant attachment style? She didn't mention anything about the breakup to family or friends until she couldn't avoid it anymore.

Any advice will be appreciated,thanks in advance!

I personally have always found that the problem usually lies much deeper in the relationship than the label stuck on it. If you both want the relationship to work out then I would suggest a quality couples therapist.

Your "fiancee"? Did you have a wedding planned on in the future or was this just a label used as a kind of "committment" to each other?

Sounds like you both could work of what is dysfunctional in your relationship & both benefit from it individually & as a couple

Whenever I hear people have fiancées of ten year, it’s never a true commitment. What’s the reason for not being married? Which one you doesn’t want to be married?

I do understand that not everyone wants to be married and it’s perfectly fine but then why referring to each other as a fiancée?

I’d say if it didn’t work out after ten years there is no point to drag it longer. I think it ran its course

These l-o-o-o-ng relationships with no legal commitment always have stuff under the surface. Whether she had feelings of ending the relationship days, months ago or longer, it’s over. With your next relationship, if you can’t get to some legal commitment within 2-3 years, let it go and move on.

Like posters before me, I am confused by the use of the term "fiancée". If indeed a wedding was planned, has she officially called it off? How much had you done in terms of wedding planning prior to that? And when did you agree to get married, meaning, when did she become your fiancée? What prompted the decision to become engaged after such a long term relationship without legal commitment?

I know people who spend their whole life together in a committed cohabiting relationship and some raised children together etc They just didn’t want marriage (or couldn’t legally marry. It’s perfectly great. But then they never claim to be engaged or refer to each other as fiancée. They call each other “partner” or “life partner” or some other more appropriate term. Maybe in places where common law marriage is legal you can say you are actually married if you cohabitated long time. Still not calling each other fiancées.

And I’ve met some people who call themselves engaged or if broken up they call the person “ex fiancée” just because they casually discussed “what if we get married one day”. Or the woman just bought herself a ring and called it engagement to a random person.

Some interesting situations.

In my understanding engagement means acknowledgement to ourselves and the families and friends that we will be getting married and then get married.

I think sometimes people call things certain way because they have wishful thinking about something, but it’s not really what it is

@HauntingPrior493 as everyone else has questioned, why were you two engaged for 10 years and never married? Can I ask you why you’ve stuck around for ten years, knowing your fiancée has no real interest in getting married to you? Now she’s called off the proverbial wedding that has devastated you. I’m very sorry that this happened to you and please post here as much as you need to, as long as it helps you.

I guess I’m wondering if there were other signs over the past 10 years that this relationship wasn’t headed for marriage?

I dated a guy 12 years ago who is exactly like the woman you’ve been with for ten years. He strung me along, and was an expert “future faker” who made lots of promises to me about our future together that never actually materialized. As it turns out, he was cheating on me with his coworker the entire time we were together. I discovered their text messages on New Years Eve while I was cooking. His cellphone was on the kitchen counter and I glanced at it when she texted him a very steamy text message full of innuendo. He denied it until he decided to come clean and broke up with me. Then he went home over Christmas and proceeded to play mindgames with me by texting and calling me — to complain about his family to me. He later married the woman that he cheated on me with.

No one can mindread your fiancee unfortunately. You will need to find the courage to ask her the hard questions. And then, be willing to accept if she truly wants to end the relationship. As it stands from what you’ve written, she’s breadcrumbing you, which manipulative people do when they want attention for their ego boost.

What would happen if you walked away?

Hello, sorry emotions were running high and i wasn't al clear as i should have been. We got engaged in Nov 2019 and then pbviously Covid happened in March 2020.

She isn't the biggest talker when it comes to feeling unfortunately. Any mention of feelings makes her take a defensive stance almost immediately! Even now she is continuing to flip flop. I feel right now like i am currently there to ween her out of the relationship while also being there as her friend.

Hello, the problem does definitely lie deeper. She is desperate for children and thinks that her current age is already too old (31). Her sister was very recently diagnosed with early menopause and i thinknthat has compounded her fears.

I have no issue asking those questions, the issue is that she won't answer them. I am.not blameless in this and i'm not egotisitical enough to think so. The difference is that i am.willing to work on my shortcomings (currently finding a counsellor) whereas she is of the opinion that she has been the same for the 9 year relationship so why should she change

Hello,

Sorry i should have clarified, my mind wasn't in the greatest place. We got engaged in November 2019. Covid hit in March 2020 and our plans were halted. After speaking to her, marriage was 3rd on a list of House,kids,marriage,drsam holiday.

Hello, apologies for the delay in replaying. I misspoke slightly, we were in a relarionship for 9+ years. We got engaged in November 2019. Obviously with Covid it set us back slightly. The hope was marriage in 2025.
After a conversation before the break up, i established that her priorities were - House, child,marriage,dream holiday.

We have had our ups and downs, and we have argues over the years. Now i see those arguments could have potentially been avoided as i always assumed her being dismissive was just that. I guess i was wrong.

I'm sorry that happened to you, i abhor cheating and would have ended the relationship before doing that.
She has questiodned my commitment to our future because i haven't saved enough for her liking.

My only issue with that is, for 4-5 years i was paying all the bills/rent etc as she was either out of work or getting paid peanuts. She doesn't seem to appreciate that. There's ~£14,000 of rent and bills she has not had to pay and now questions my commitment. I also gave my mum jist ahy of £4000 to stop her losing her home. Her response was essentially that i shouldn't have done it🤦*♂️

Hello all, thank you all so much for the replies. There was a slight change over Christmas.

On the 28th, after discussing what we both wanted, she saod we can give it 12 months and see if i stick to my financial commitments with regards to saving for deposit.

Since though, she has been the same as the last month. Closed off, distant and unaffectionate. There were glimpses of old, she hugged me and gave me a kiss before work.

Two days ago she cuddled up to me in bed (Recently she gets as close as possible without actually making contact). Rightly or wrongly, today i asked if she saw me as a partner or a friend, her response was. "At this point i think we are more like mates"

I responded with, that's your POV. When you said we were in a relationship again, intreated it as such. I asked bluntly, "if you don't want a relationship,house and a child with me, just say the word and i won't ask again and we can sort this out properly".

Her response was "i didn't say that". I changed fhe question to, "donyou want these things with me?" I was met with silence ince again.

I left and went for a walk, that was 3 hours ago. She has continued to message about where i am, what i'm doing etc.

I feel like i am being kept there as a friend, to ween her off her love slowly. If i wasn't there (financially not viable) Inwonder if she would think differently. I am her best friend (only friend- her words) I feel like i am being kept close for that reason. As i have said in replies, i'm.not perfect or blameless. I see my flaws and i am.working on them.

She think i am trying to change her. She has been copped upmfor 3 weeks (her choice) sleeping 16 hours a day. I said she might have a touch if depression. She had a go at me because i'm trying "to make her seem like there's something wrong"

Having suffered with depression on and off for years, i can see the signs. I have asked about couples counselling. She refused before i finished the sentence. She had counselling in her youth (physical trauma) which she lied to her therapist and is oddly proud of that. So she now thinks they are useless.

Sorry, just needed to vent. I have been string along for a month and although sje said "she doesn't want to hurt me" she has hurt ke more than if she wpuld have broke up amd just left my life.

Hope you all had a good New year!

Happy New Year to you, too! I think it is time for you to wean yourself from that relationship.

Quote:

Sorry, just needed to vent. I have been string along for a month and although sje said "she doesn't want to hurt me" she has hurt ke more than if she wpuld have broke up amd just left my life.

Maybe it is time for you to do the breaking up & stop the hurting that is going on. What is she actually contributing to the relationship? Sounds like she is expecting you to do everything????

I lived with a financially irresponsible husband for 33 years....you don't sound irresponsible if you are the one paying all the bills & staying out of credit debt.

Hope you can sort this out but from what you write it is all about her wants.

Unless you want to play word games and spin your wheels for more years, cut this off and go find someone who wants to be in a real relationship.

“Mates” is….ugh.

Wow so you are the one paying for everything while she sleeps 16 hours a day? Time to call quits

I was irresponsible years ago,when i was quite a bit younger but haven't been for a while. She is paying her way now as she found a decent paying job around 2 years ago. The 5 years before that that, i was paying for almost everything and did end up in a little debt, but it is now sorted. This annoys me a lot as that didn't seem to get taken i to account when she made this decision to end the relationship. It's all about the last 2 years (because she is now in a position to save)

I have asked outright, look me in the eyes and tell me you don't want to make a go of this and she won't. She said "things won't change in a few days". I am actively improving myself to show i want it to work, but i think i am deluding myself
It's annoying because if she is dragging this out until she is emotionally ready withought considering my feelings, she isn't the person i thought and i will re-evaluate my last 9 years with her.

I feel like she is disntancing further if i mention the relationship,it feels like i am being dragged along at this point. She has no issue with us holding hands or cuddling but i think that is to just keep me on thw hook enough i won't leave.

Thanks for the reply!

No sorry, for 5 years from 2016 to 2021 i did. She got a better paying job in 2021 so she could save. Her decision for me not saving enough only takes into account those 2 years and is ignoring the fact i covered everything for 5 years....

I'm unfortunately.coming to the same conclusion. Starting again in my mid 30s is terrifying at the moment though.

Yeah, i wasn't overly pleased when that was said. Mates is not a great word when trying to describe what is left of a 9 year relationship!

Starting again mid-30s is better than mid-40s, trust me.