Venting About My Son

eskielover · Dec 28, 2023 at 12:34 PM

I have a personal experience with someone who sounds similar to your son. Sadly I was married to him for 33 years before I finally walked out. Back in 1974 when I met him in college there was no diagnosis for ASD or Aduld ADD.

I saw red flags before the wedding which was big. He always bragged about how smart he was, his high IQ & how well he did in high school but he barely passed his Computer Science major for his BS degree. The excuse he gave was that he was working & didn't waste time doing work or studying in classes where he "knew" he was smarter than the professor. So getting hired with a low GPA outta college was tough & the company he wanted hired by wouldn't hire him. He was mad at them because as he said, my GPA doesn't reflect how capable I am. I was mad at him & let him know tgat his crappy GPA was a direct reflection of his crappy attitude. Those 33 years all reflected that same bad attitude until I could take him destroying my own life no longer. At age 54 we were in therapy together & an attitude topic came up & I dumped everything in that session & our T basically said my H (at that time) had the emotional maturity of a 13 year old.

I left soon after that when I sold the family house I inherited & had the $ to leave. That was 16 years ago & using his emotional immaturity & his diagnosed adult ADD & tge other symptoms of ASD that seemed to my T's where I moved to, to be very much possible. He lost everything I walked away from because of the fight he was giving me about getting divorced. Come to find out, he was sure that a divorce would make him look like a failure....but losing everything he owned wouldn't? His mind does not function normally & until I realized why, I EXPECTED him to act like a normal intelligent person he claimed to be. He never learned the hard way. He is still living on overdraft coverage & credit he only pays minimum on & has made some major STUPID decisions that I have had to hire lawyers to resolve even after the divorce is final. Lots more to this.....but the point is, no matter how smart they are or how lazy they look to us, there may very well be some underlying mental condition that is causing their brain to short circut from how we expect. Worth it to have a knowledgable professional assess at this point so he & you can have actual realistic expectations or know for sure it isn't because of those reasons.

Revenge Tour · Dec 28, 2023 at 02:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Has your son ever been tested for Attention deficit or possibly being on the spectrum?

He was diagnosed with depression years ago. He was on all kinds of medication when he was a teenager. I truly believe it made him worse.

Revenge Tour · Dec 28, 2023 at 02:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Discombobulated

It’s tough when our adult kids flounder and lose motivation. Really tough. I’m so sorry Christmas went the way it did for you. There can be so much loaded onto having a nice day but of course it’s just a day and situations are still as they were.

You’re not asking for advice so I’m not giving it, but I think your idea to give yourself a rest from advising him sounds sensible, you’ve given him your thoughts, it’s his choice what he does with it. Our kids individuate and that isn’t always the smooth transition we hope it’ll be. Hugs to you all.

Discombobulated simply rules!

Revenge Tour · Dec 28, 2023 at 02:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by eskielover

I have a personal experience with someone who sounds similar to your son. Sadly I was married to him for 33 years before I finally walked out. Back in 1974 when I met him in college there was no diagnosis for ASD or Aduld ADD.

I saw red flags before the wedding which was big. He always bragged about how smart he was, his high IQ & how well he did in high school but he barely passed his Computer Science major for his BS degree. The excuse he gave was that he was working & didn't waste time doing work or studying in classes where he "knew" he was smarter than the professor. So getting hired with a low GPA outta college was tough & the company he wanted hired by wouldn't hire him. He was mad at them because as he said, my GPA doesn't reflect how capable I am. I was mad at him & let him know tgat his crappy GPA was a direct reflection of his crappy attitude. Those 33 years all reflected that same bad attitude until I could take him destroying my own life no longer. At age 54 we were in therapy together & an attitude topic came up & I dumped everything in that session & our T basically said my H (at that time) had the emotional maturity of a 13 year old.

I left soon after that when I sold the family house I inherited & had the $ to leave. That was 16 years ago & using his emotional immaturity & his diagnosed adult ADD & tge other symptoms of ASD that seemed to my T's where I moved to, to be very much possible. He lost everything I walked away from because of the fight he was giving me about getting divorced. Come to find out, he was sure that a divorce would make him look like a failure....but losing everything he owned wouldn't? His mind does not function normally & until I realized why, I EXPECTED him to act like a normal intelligent person he claimed to be. He never learned the hard way. He is still living on overdraft coverage & credit he only pays minimum on & has made some major STUPID decisions that I have had to hire lawyers to resolve even after the divorce is final. Lots more to this.....but the point is, no matter how smart they are or how lazy they look to us, there may very well be some underlying mental condition that is causing their brain to short circut from how we expect. Worth it to have a knowledgable professional assess at this point so he & you can have actual realistic expectations or know for sure it isn't because of those reasons.

Wow, eskie. You sure had (have?) your hands full. Who knew? It sounds like you went through a years-long emotional roller coaster as well. Yes, it's exhausting and so frustrating.

As far as a professional assessment goes, we have exhausted every resource you could possibly imagine. Countless doctors, programs (even including a military school for a few months), court orders, etc. There is truly nothing new to try. He knows what he's doing too. When we would go to his weekly court-appointed mental health hearings, he was a complete angel in front of the judge but on the way home in the car he was all about F you.

This one is on him. I know what he truly wants. He simply wants to do what he's doing (working here and there) and have me give him cash when he needs it. Uh.... no. I have thought about him doing things around the house but then, he's not welcome here. When he lived with us, things would come up missing or get destroyed. It's a shame but I just can't trust him.

eskielover · Dec 28, 2023 at 09:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Revenge Tour

Wow, eskie. You sure had (have?) your hands full. Who knew? It sounds like you went through a years-long emotional roller coaster as well. Yes, it's exhausting and so frustrating.

As far as a professional assessment goes, we have exhausted every resource you could possibly imagine. Countless doctors, programs (even including a military school for a few months), court orders, etc. There is truly nothing new to try. He knows what he's doing too. When we would go to his weekly court-appointed mental health hearings, he was a complete angel in front of the judge but on the way home in the car he was all about F you.

This one is on him. I know what he truly wants. He simply wants to do what he's doing (working here and there) and have me give him cash when he needs it. Uh.... no. I have thought about him doing things around the house but then, he's not welcome here. When he lived with us, things would come up missing or get destroyed. It's a shame but I just can't trust him.

I get it....no matter what their "issue is" they are still responsible for their behavior. Best thing I ever did for myself was to leave....it was my only way to get sanity & peace into my life. We have to make those decisions based on what is best for us

Open Eyes · Dec 30, 2023 at 01:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Revenge Tour

He was diagnosed with depression years ago. He was on all kinds of medication when he was a teenager. I truly believe it made him worse.

It’s very possible you are right that the AD’s made his challenges worse. In the teen years the body changes and not only physically but hormonal. This alone is stressful and confusing. Male teens can go through awkward stages.

Depression is an anxiety disorder. It’s not unusual for a teen to pull back and withdraw. However, some teen males get aggressive. And they have no experience when it comes to understanding and verbalizing their challenge

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