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aphexx13
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Default Dec 29, 2023 at 04:57 PM
  #1
im a 52 year old male my wife is 43 we have been together 5 years married 2. l have felt something was off between us for 1 month but every time i asked her she said we were fine. last night she said she is divorcing me. we have a blended family and the kids are very close. im in shock right now. ive had 2 women do the same thing to me so i asked my wife when we got married to please communicate any issues and not blindside me like the previous 2 women did. she promised that she wouldnt do that to me and i trusted her completly. i feel like such a fool.

she refuses to go to counciling. she has major depression and i have a panic disorder. her complaints are that we dont bond over the same music. that i want to spend to much time with her. i thought putting our time together on our weekend without the kids a priority. im very affectionate and because of her depression she can be very cold. i try to be patient but she doesnt let me know shes in a depressive state and i feel rejected.

im a mess im not suicidal i would never leave my 10 yr old daughter but i dont want to be alive right now. can this be saved?
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Default Dec 29, 2023 at 09:22 PM
  #2
If she doesnít want to go to counseling thereís not much you can do. This is very unfortunate, and sad that she did not speak up. Doubly frustrating and sad that thereís kids involved. Seems sheís not taking anyone except herself into consideration.

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Default Dec 29, 2023 at 09:36 PM
  #3
Welcome! I'm sorry this is happening to you.

My wife and I don't like the same music, either. Yet, we've been married, um..., a very long time. Oh nearly 30 years!

I've had only two semesters of psychology (I'm an engineer) but it sounds like you and your wife have "opposite" attachment styles that drive you apart. Your wife might be "Dismissive-avoidant" or "Fearful-avoidant" whereas you might be "Anxious-preoccupied." For example, the more "space" she craves, the more you crowd her.

I hope you go to therapy by yourself if your wife refuses to go -- it can be very helpful!
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Default Dec 30, 2023 at 12:50 AM
  #4
I wonder if your wife might be going through early stages of menopause. If her estrogen levels are dropping it can make her irritable and depressed and even wanting to distance from intimacy. She should see her gynecologist and have that checked. She can get help to boost her hormones and feel much better physically and mentally.
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Default Dec 30, 2023 at 01:10 AM
  #5
I am sorry. Itís painful. Not liking same kind of music is an excuse. I mean itís nice to like the same music but Iíve never met anyone who considered taste in music a required component of a deep commitment. If such people exist, they are very shallow. So itís likely she makes it up.

Whatís the true reason is hard to tell. Does she feel you donít give her enough space and she feels suffocated?
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Default Dec 30, 2023 at 02:16 AM
  #6
Would be interesting to know the commonalities of the previous 2's reasons for leaving & the real reason why your current wife's reason for leaving. IT IS NOT about different taste in music....that is an excuse not a reason.

Knowing this information might give you some insight into your own self & maybe some areas to work on in therapy.

When I left my husband after 33 years I told him why as clearly as I could & he was still clueless & was in the delusion that I would come back within 2 years.

Could be you have an issue with picking the same kinds of women who do this to you or possible you have a trait that pushes women away. I know with my now ex, his financial irresponsibility & emotional immaturity drove me away & I tolerated it for way too long until it destroyed my own mental health. No amount of therapy helped our marriage because what was broken could never be fixed

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Default Dec 30, 2023 at 05:50 AM
  #7
Eskie might be on to something here. Are these similar types of women? I didnít give it any thought that you had two women abruptly leaving you. What were the other twoís reasoning?
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Default Dec 30, 2023 at 12:21 PM
  #8
she actually just went last month. she said everything is fine.
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Default Dec 30, 2023 at 12:24 PM
  #9
yes im a anxious attachment style and she seems to be the avoidant type. ive brought this up to her and said we should work on learning how to deal with the difference. she had no desire to even read about it.
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Default Dec 30, 2023 at 12:29 PM
  #10
i believe so. she is very bad at communicating so i have to guess when she needs space.
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Default Dec 30, 2023 at 12:43 PM
  #11
my first wife is a serial cheater she goes from 1 man to the next. shes been married 6 times and her pattern is to jump from 1 house to the next. i was my first real long term relationship so i was naive. she told me she was divorced when we met only to find out they were still married and he had no clue. then she did the same thing to me. i should have left as soon as i found out she lied. the second one was a diagnosed bpd and had the i will leave you before you leave me thinking. Im very affectionate so maybe i can be smothering at times.
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Default Dec 30, 2023 at 12:49 PM
  #12
the first one left because she got tired of being a mom and having a husband that wanted a normal married life. she wanted no responsibility and wanted to come and go as she pleased. she abandoned me and our 4 yr old son and her 7 yr old daughter my stepdaughter to move in with the next guy.

the second one was only using me to make her ex husband jealous to try and get him back. she was also bpd.
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Default Dec 30, 2023 at 02:38 PM
  #13
she has stopped wearing her rings and taken her relationship status off and removed all our posts from her page. she wants me out of our house asap. the problem is i moved into her house that we rent and i brought basicly no furnature because i had a house fire that destroyed everything. we have maxed out our credit cards and in on long term disability needing major back surgery which was coming up soon. how am i to live and give my daughter somewhere to sleep. i dont own any furnature. we bought a few things together. but not much. all my money went to this houses bills. ive had no time to prepare. im terrified. i have no family to help.
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Default Dec 30, 2023 at 05:00 PM
  #14
Itís very stressful. Try to stay calm

As a single disabled parent sheíll get way more disability than living with a husband. Also other benefits are way higher if you are alone. It sounds like she herself has ton of problems but took on a man with nothing and now is in worse shape than if she was single. Is that a reason she wants out?

Itís probably better for two disabled jobless people with no possessions not get married but just date or what not. Why was there a need to get married?

She cannot legally make you leave immediately. Even in the most dire situation, people are given 30 days.

Now is your name on a lease? If not, itís mistake number one. Donít live anywhere without being on the lease or on the deed. Itís way too dangerous.

Go get free lawyer consultation before you do anything drastic. Do not move out. Even without being in a lease, you have tenant rights. Donít freak out. Wait to talk to legal aid or free consultation. Stay calm
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Default Dec 30, 2023 at 05:23 PM
  #15
You or her needing the back surgery? If you, she took on a lot starting with your house fire. I personally NEVER would have moved in with anyone at that point. Would have resolved the situation myself rather than the possibility of someone taking me in because they may feel sorry for me adds way too many complications to a relationship

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Default Dec 30, 2023 at 05:47 PM
  #16
shes not disabled i am. Unfortunately im not on the lease because it would have uped our rent and we were supposed to buy a house this summer.
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Default Dec 30, 2023 at 05:50 PM
  #17
i need back surgery. i ddnt have the back injury until a year into our relationship. also the house fire didnt happen until 1 month after we moved in together. i shared a house with family and lost all my furniture in the fire.
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Default Dec 30, 2023 at 06:03 PM
  #18
i was considering talking to her tonight about me going to counselling and addressing the issues she brought up. i was also going to ask her to consider marriage counselling and give it some time to see the changes in me. i feel like she wants it over quick because she might change her mind. she changed her facebook pic to a girl riding a horse in a open field . makes me think she feels free of marriage now. i thought if i told her to reconnect with her friends and not feel like she needs to be caged at home in a marriage and in time she might balance out and we can reconnect slowly.

i know im making things harder on myself but we made matching love chests for christmas 2 years ago we had no idea we had the exact same gift for each other color scheme and all. anyway we put all our cards and memories in them . i pulled out all the cards and read them and every one of the cards up to last november said the complete opposite of how she told me she feels now.
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Default Dec 30, 2023 at 06:19 PM
  #19
From personal experience even though I had issues from the beginning of my marriage, when I finally decided I had enough it had only been a thought to leave but the final issues werebwhat pushed me into action.....kinda like a build up internally till the dam breaks.

It is worth it to try to discuss going to therapy. All you can do is see what she says. Don't lay all the blame on her though for how the marriage is because that would be a sure fire no therapy decision for me & would just make my decision stronger to end it.

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Default Dec 30, 2023 at 07:20 PM
  #20
I am not sure if both of you or one of you lives in a fantasy land. How could you buy a house if you maxed out your credit cards? If you have no savings, how would you pay down payment and closing fees?

Does your daughter live with you and thereís no mother at all? What do you mean where would she live? Where would she live if you didnít move in in the house your wife was renting?

Before youíve met this woman you lived with a family. Whatever happened to that family after you moved in with this woman?

You donít have to answer any of these questions but it sounds like thereís some stuff to look into
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