It's complicated...

Honeycat · 06:00 PM

I'm in a screwed up relationship and I am having a hard time trying to leave. It's not all bad and it definitely could be worse but im not happy and we argue all the time; its getting ridiculous.

My boyfriend's a decent guy. He's divorced with two kids. The oldest isnt his biologically but he raised him and after the divorce he continues to claim the kid. He genuinely enjoys his kids and is a great Dad. He tells me im beautiful often and has my back when my Mom and I get into it. He and I get along great the majority of the time. The sex is good. He's amazing with my kid and not in a weird way. He cooks for me and asks me about my day. Watches whatever weird movie I want to watch and actually watches it.

He's got a great job and work ethic. He's great in general until he's not..

Our issues include

My boyfriend's sexuality. I found gay porn on his browser history by accident a couple months into us dating and confronted him very softly and with no judgement. He lied to my face and said it was probably one of his kids (both under 13). I blew that lie out of the water with undeniable proof it was him and he accepted that he was found out.

He claims he's heteroflexible. Says he just likes to be topped and he doesnt even like it that much. Says he likes women and prefers sex with women.

He has lied to me about things that involves his sexuality our whole relationship. I've caught him on Grindr many times. 90% of the time he denies it was him and his excuses are either someone stole his photos and is using them to catfish on grindr OR someone is trying to sabotage our relationship. I've caught him on Tinder and other dating sites as well.

I've confronted him with undeniable evidence of cheating many times and hes denies and stands firm on his denial.

Cheating online and physically and often.
Lying constantly even when confronted with damning evidence against him to cover up his cheating second life.

Gaslighting when I confront him with evidence and stonewalls me.

Its like there's this split personality he has as a bi/homosexual man that he's completely unaware of and he lives a double life.

I do not trust him anymore. If I leave him for longer than an hour i expect him to be on Grindr/Meet me or arranging a hook up.

He's sloppy when he cheats. I find **** all the time. Condom wrappers, lube he didnt tell me he had and didnt use with me, things he used to douche with etc. And when I confront him with it he denies it and no matter how damning the evidence is he wont come clean.

I've been NOTHING but supportive and encouraging of his sexuality. It is not a big deal. I just don't want to be cheated on.

Its killing me. It's hard not to feel crazy.

I don't know if he's a narcissist or whats going on with him. Im almost positive hes not gay...

Either way i need to leave but its not easy because im attached. And hes my only friend.

Rive. · Jan 07, 2024 at 12:35 PM

So, from what you write: he cheats, he lies, he gaslights you and you do not trust him.

Is that the relationship you want to be stuck in because he is your only 'friend'? Are you wanting a friend or a romantic partner?

However you look at it, he is neither a good 'friend' nor a good partner.

divine1966 · Jan 07, 2024 at 01:32 PM

He is a cheater and a liar. Him being gay or bisexual or heterosexual is irrelevant. Cheater is a cheater.

I hope you don’t have unprotected sex. I know someone who contracted HIV from her husband who slept around. It is a big price to pay for a little bit of a fun.

I don’t know in which way he is a decent person but he surely is an awful partner.

He cooks? Asks about your day? Who cares? It’s not even anything important. I ask my neighbor about her day and a local restaurant has a good chef. Those aren’t relationship standards

Molinit · Jan 07, 2024 at 01:49 PM

I was out the door at his sexuality and it went downhill from there. Go find someone who feels you are enough.

Revenge Tour · Jan 07, 2024 at 03:25 PM

I see nothing but a sea of red flags. This isn't "complicated" at all. It seems pretty simple, actually.

Tart Cherry Jam · Jan 07, 2024 at 06:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Honeycat

I'm in a screwed up relationship and I am having a hard time trying to leave. The sex is good. He's amazing with my kid and not in a weird way. And hes my only friend.

It is dangerous to keep having sex with him. You really need to stop and wait for 3 months and get tested for STI's and hope for the best, keeping your fingers crossed. At least you are finding condom wrappers so he is not having unprotected sex but still. You are not even reporting some amazing sex with him but just "good"; you can survive without it. As for friendship, you can keep him as a friend if you wish after stopping the boyfriend/girlfriend relationship; such arrangements can be made. But why don't you have other friends? that portrays an impoverished life; why so? when did you stop having other friends? How was it in the past? It was not always the case that you did not have friends, was it?

Tart Cherry Jam · Jan 08, 2024 at 12:53 AM

@Honeycat, if you cannot wean yourself from having sex with him, I would consider taking Prep. Basically, view him as a high risk partner, as someone who can transmit HIV to you.

From the website of CDC: "Pre-exposure prophylaxis (or PrEP) is medicine taken to prevent getting HIV. PrEP is highly effective for preventing HIV when taken as prescribed. PrEP reduces the risk of getting HIV from sex by about 99%." When I was in New York city last year, there were public service advertisements for PrEP inside trains.

This is medication you will need to take faithfully every day. Your local Planned Parenthood should be able to put you on it. Note that it won't help prevent the spread of other dangerous STI's including hepatitis.

And whether you are able to detach, do go to a doctor or Planned Parenthood and get the full battery of STI tests right now.

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Rive. Magnate Member Since Sep 2013 Posts: 2,214 11	Jan 07, 2024 at 12:35 PM #2 So, from what you write: he cheats, he lies, he gaslights you and you do not trust him. Is that the relationship you want to be stuck in because he is your only 'friend'? Are you wanting a friend or a romantic partner? However you look at it, he is neither a good 'friend' nor a good partner.
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Molinit Grand Member Member Since Nov 2015 Location: Michigan Posts: 871 9 91 hugs given	Jan 07, 2024 at 01:49 PM #4 I was out the door at his sexuality and it went downhill from there. Go find someone who feels you are enough.
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Revenge Tour Member Member Since Apr 2023 Location: Michigan Posts: 366 1 106 hugs given	Jan 07, 2024 at 03:25 PM #5 I see nothing but a sea of red flags. This isn't "complicated" at all. It seems pretty simple, actually.
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