Weird relationship with former colleague

I was leaving my former work place and I had a lot of handover meetings. I had a colleague at this job, with whom I didn't hang out at all except for a few work matters (we are not really extroverted people). She was selected to pick up some work after me, so my final handovers were with her. I was explaining my work to her and she was glad for it, since no one there had paid such attention to her before, despite the fact that she had a junior position. I explained her some portion of my work and we also talked about some work gossips, so overall really nice experience. I felt like I found some really nice colleague and I was quite sad that I only started talking with her when I was leaving.

This workplace was not really perspective, so I asked her if she is not considering leaving. I also suggested to her that I can send her phone number to HR in my new work place. She wasn't quite sure because she had been given a raise before so she wouldn't leave, but eventually she agreed and went to interview next day. I wrote her on Whatsapp and called her after the interview and since then we were in nonstop contact on Whatsapp (that was in August).

Our chats on WA started right where our last meetings ended, so mostly work gossips but also different topics and the whole conversation had a nice flow. She asked a lot of questions and I was not in a position to not know what to respond next, it was really easy to chat with her and I was really surprised by it, as I basically didn’t know her at all. I decided to found out if she has a boyfriend, so I asked her some smart indirect questions and sadly found out that she has a boyfriend. I also noticed some weird pattern in her responding, she responded to my messages mostly during work time and only rarely after work and during weekends (but all of her responds were normal interesting messages with a lot of questions). I asked her about it, as I completely respect her relationship, but her response was, that she is not by her phone a lot when she is home and our conversations continued normally.

I finally started to work at this new job and it was tough. I was describing my struggles to her and she was really supportive. I was also sending her a lot of memes and humorous messages and those were awarded by laughing reactions all the time. I started to really like her as a person, so I decided to ask her out on a coffee and I was 100% sure she will decline and this will be end. I wrote her that I would like to meet her as I have so much stuff that I want to talk with her about and I know this place with amazing sweet coffee, that she never had before.

I was shocked when she agreed. I was really happy, but also little bit nervous if our chat dynamic will be preserved in physical conversation. We agreed on some date but eventually she canceled it. I was thinking that she changed her mind and this is the end, so I just offered that we can meet next week and she reacted with heart emoji. I was surprised when she wrote me on Monday, that we can meet today after work. It was really nice we were there for two hours and I felt like it was just half an hour, we could talk for hours with no problems. Then I walked her to the bus and we splitted with her offering to pay next time, which will be during her second interview 3 days later.
We also met 3 days later after her interview, but it was shorter coffee during work time. The dynamic was preserved and it was even better then on Monday. We were looking into each other eyes and I felt great when I make her laugh. But there weren’t any other physical touches or hugs as she has a boyfriend. That was in October.

Our chats on WA still continued in the same dynamic (she responding mostly during work, but always asking a lot of questions and no issues with holding the conversation at all). I decided to ask her out again in November. She agreed but canceled it multiple times shortly before meeting. I told her if she does not want to meet, that we don’t have to, but she responded that a lunch on next Friday is possible. We finally met in December. I paid for lunch and she paid for coffee and again it was really nice. We splitted and she told me that we will hopefully see each other before Christmas again. We didn’t as she left earlier for holidays.

During Christmas she responded rarely (as I was expecting). But she sent me screenshot of some guy requesting follow on her IG, he had same name as me (pretty common name, so not something weird), but completely different face and age. And she was asking if that’s me or just guy with same name, I responded that it is not me and I am not in his age for some time and I sent her my nickname on IG, expecting her to follow me, but it didn’t happen and she just responded with laughing reaction. Weird.

This week they finally contacted her again from my current work about those interviews, so next week will be interesting.

Sorry for a long post but I felt the need to describe our dynamics. For me this relationship is completely weird. I don’t know if she considers our relationship completely as a friendship. I don’t know if I have a chance to be something more than a friend. I don’t know if she is just nice to me. I don’t know what’s the dynamics in her current relationship. I know nothing basically.

For the record I am completely fine with being just a friend with her. I like her as a friend, I like her as colleague a like her as a person. I also like her as a girl, so if there is possibility to be something more, I want to try it, but I don’t want to ask her directly because that will be end to our friendship. She is the first new friend of mine after pandemic, she knows my work background, my business plans, my profession, I can talk to her easily about anything without any pretense or shame, so I don’t want to lose her just because of pathetic attempt to become something more than a friend and destroying her current relationship in between.

Were you in a similar situation? What’s my best plan for future of our relationship? This whole type of relationship is new for me a I cannot really comprehend that in my mind.

I'ld advise you to protect your heart. Women are pretty good at picking up when a guy is really into them. It's not normal for a woman in a relationship to be meeting up with another guy for lunch and coffee. Think about it: If you were involved with a woman - like in a relationship - how would you feel, if you discovered she was meeting some guy for coffee, supposedly just to be friends.

"All's fair in love and war", so if you can win her away from some other guy she's dating, I'ld say, "Go for it." On the other hand, platonic friendships between a single guy and a woman in a relationship usually just lead to the guy getting frustrated. There's been lots of threads on that topic here on this forum. Watch out that you're not being used. Seems like she asks a lot of questions and may just be pumping you for what workplace info she can get out of you. I'ld strongly encourage you to try and meet other, more available, young women.

I don't think she is using me, I told her a lot of info she couldn't know as I have good relationship with former manager and know a lot of gossips, but she also provided some valuable information to me, so it's pretty mutual I would say. She is asking a lot of questions not only about work, but in general, it's like type of her communication. Like for example I was telling her about Christmas party and she asked if I finally got to know my new colleagues better, or we were discussing that she is planning to call somebody and the next day she asked "Do you know that I forget about it?", or I was showing her my new project and she asked "Wow it also have this functionality?". Basically 70% of her replies include questions like this, like she is trying to keep conversation going on, but she is also replying not really often so I am not sure about it.

One part of me is thinking the same way as you "It's not normal for a woman in a relationship to be meeting up with another guy for lunch and coffee" and other half of me is thinking that she probably goes to coffee also with other guy friends as she is working in a technical field filled with men, like maybe she believes in friendship between man and woman. But still, I would be not happy if I knew that my girl is going out to a coffee with former colleague. I also have this feeling that he probably does not know about our friendship or meetings at all, as she is responding to my messages 90% of time during worktime and 2 out of 3 of our meetings were during worktime too (she proposed lunch time, I was suggesting time just after work like the first time).

And there is this question that if she is really chatting with me secretly behind her boyfriend's back, does she want something more? She can always propose another coffee with me or start asking more deep questions, or start replying more often, or followed me on IG. At this point she could be pretty sure about me as I was always pretty enthusiastic about our meetings. Is she expecting from me to make first serious move? But I am not planning to do that cause she is in relationship and I know nothing about the state of her relationship, maybe if I knew that she is not happy, I would do some first move, but I don't know that (I basically know nothing about her relationship). And I would also make an *** of myself, as I am fundamentally opposed to harassment and recognise professional working relationships.

Thank you for your reply and sorry for another long post. I needed to discuss this topic with some strangers, because it really boggles my mind.

@terure I think this is a very complicated situation for the following reasons.
---The first is it is a work situation. In the back of my mind when relating to coworkers is I do not want to compromise my job over a relationship.
---She may not want to alienate someone that is a coworker that she may have to work closely to so she is being cordial with me and I may be misreading her signs.
---I do not want to get in a rrelationship with someone who is in a relationship. It is hard enough to be in a relationship with an unattached person. Those in a relationship who cheat on their relationship may do so again. What cheating is is open to interpretation, but a triangle is not a secure relationship in my book. I do not want to be thinking all the time, is this a good time to send this? Will he see it? That sounds more like a movie on Netflix than what I want my life to be.

I do not want to date people I work with because it is just too confusing a social situation to me.

Even if she wants something on the side from her BF, I do not want to get into that complicated a relationship where I might always be on the back burner and may have to hide my communications to them.

Those are my thoughts about how I approach things, but I am in no position to advise you what you might want to do.

CANDC

[If you want me to see your reply to this post please include @CANDC in your message - not in requoting my message

On YouTube, you can punch in "Chris Rock - Women's Platonic Friends." It might give you some hope.

What do you find weird in this relationship?

What sounds weird is you initiating, inviting her, then feeling surprised that she accepts. She hasn't made any romantic overtures towards you and she told you she had a boyfriend. She is being friendly with you. She never led you on.

The question and confusion is actually about *your* intentions. You know she has a boyfriend and you claim you are fine to only be friends with her, yet you admit Your intention is what is not clear and frankly, not honourable. You are pursuing, and hoping for something more with someone you *know* is attached. Yet, you are questioning *her* motives?? When she never gave you anything but friendly vibes. The confusion stems from you more than her.

There’s nothing wrong with dating former colleagues. You don’t work together so it’s all fine. But the issue is that she has a boyfriend. Why would you pursue someone who’s not available?

If you think it’s weird that a woman in a relationship keeps meeting up with you, then why are you asking her for meetings and pursuing her? There are plenty single unattached women you can go for. Either just continue friendship and professional relationship or just stop it all together. You think it’s weird yet keep initiating it

Thank you for all your replies. I will answer some questions, in this message.

"What do you find weird in this relationship?" The weird part is, that if I didn't know she has a boyfriend I would be like 99% sure she is interested.

"Why would you pursue someone who’s not available?" Connections like these are rare, it's like a magnetic attraction. I would be angry with myself for the rest of my life if I didn't try to maintain contact with her more. And it's still more on her side to say no, if she is the one in relationship.

"you claim you are fine to only be friends with her" I am, but those mixed signals are giving me feeling that I may be something more than a friend and I am fine with that too.

"why are you asking her for meetings and pursuing her" I actually wanted to ask her out even before I knew she has a boyfriend, but I was not 100% sure she is single so I asked her what was she doing during the vacation, expecting that she will mention a boyfriend if she has one and she did. After this some weeks passed and we were still in contact, so I decided to ask her out anyway as I was eager to speak with her again and couldn't help myself (I was actually angry with myself, that I am pathetic and my bestfriend told me that I am crazy, but I did it anyway as there was basically not any other option to me) and she surprisingly (to me) agreed. The second meeting was proposed by her. The third one by me and when we were saying goodbye to eachother she said that we will hopefully see each other again soon. Also in our WA conversation I am not sending her some random messages, I am mostly answering her questions and I am asking questions much less than her. The longest period when we didn't exchange any message (only one week) was ended by her. So I would not say that I am pursuing her very much, I just keeping the relationship going same like her.

"There are plenty single unattached women you can go for" Connections like these are pretty rare, I would say that most people will connect with somebody like this just a couple times in their lives, many people will not experience that in their whole life. And I not mean it only in romantic way, also friendships like these are rare. Basically all of my friendships developed trough a much longer time, in which we were basically forced to be together (like in school, work, hobbies or hangin out with mutual friends). This friendship started just after a few meetings and there was just only one week since then when we didn't exchange atleast one message. I even told her that it's so weird that we didn't even talk when we were working together and now we are like best friends and she agreed.

"Either just continue friendship and professional relationship or just stop it all together" I am doing that, I am not planning to do any romantic gesture till she is not single or till I know she is not happy in her current relationship.

I wrote on this forum because I am interested in whether people have experienced a similar relationship in their lives, because to me it's completely new and thus weird. If you think that I am a bad guy for keeping this relationship going you might be right, but I bet that you would act very similar if you were in my situation.

Nobody thinks you are a bad guy whatsoever. I disagree that we all would act the same way in your situation. If a guy had a girlfriend, I’d not be hoping to get romantic relationship going with him. So, no, not everyone hopes to start romance with unavailable people. Honestly you sound very young. I can ensure you that there’s more than one woman on this planet you can have relationship with

She obviously likes you enough plutonic level wise and knows that you like her and it sounds like your interest in her is probably giving her an ego boost.

But if she has a boyfriend then there's not much else further this can go unless one of you makes an obvious attempt to "cross the line".

If she made negative comments about her relationship with her boyfriend then that would be one major kind of indication that she is suggesting that something could happen with you. But if not I think it's just that she sees you as a friend who gives her the occasional ego boost because of your obvious interest.

UPDATE: Our lunch/coffee meetings started to be more regular, we are meeting at least once per month since june (we had been around 5 times since then). We are not messaging each other so frequently, mostly few messages before meetings. Her boyfriend most likely does not know about me, because she is still responding to my messages only during work hours and we are also meeting each other only during work hours. Sometimes she wants only coffee and does not wanna eat (because she has food at home), so she patiently waits till I eat my food and then we grab a coffee. These meetings last around 2 hours, we share humour and we are laughing a lot together, we are discussing a lot of topics. These meetings take place close to my office, in local park (she takes cab to get there, I am going by foot). She even feels bad when I pay for the coffee, but I am insisting because she pays for the cab. She always came nice dressed and seems happy to see me.

I still don't know much about her relationship, but she never talked badly about her boyfriend and their relationship seems to be happy. I asked about wedding plans and she said that it depends on her boyfriend if he will propose to her, so I asked if she wants to be proposed and she said, she don't mind altough planning the wedding currently is hard and expensive.

I am still confused by the dynamics between us. We seem to be very compatible, we share our values and also humour. We are basically flirting a lot, but there are no physical touches or hugs (I am keeping my distance because of her boyfriend). She needs to be totally ignorant if she does not see my attraction towards her - I am teasing her a lot, I am always nice to her and always happy to see her.

I am growing really close to her and when we say goodbye to each other I am already awaiting our next meeting and she is always fine with meeting again after 2-3 weeks. These lunches have been the highlights of my life lately, even though there are a lot of things going on in my life at the moment (I am at happy spot in my life currently).

So the thing is: Should I tell her that I have feelings for her? or should I just let it continue like this (maybe involve hugs or more non verbal signs that I want to be more than friend)?

I'll bet she knows you're interested. If you enjoy the lunches, keep doing them. I'ld hold off a bit longer on saying anything to her. Maybe she's starting to like you. Maybe she has misgivings about the boyfriend. She can change her mind.