He thinks Im lazy/ Pre-Divorce

Ive been with my husband for 10 years now, 5 married with our two kids (a set of twins). My husband works the third shift and when he comes home hes always complaining. If its not something I did, its the kids, and if its not the kids its the cat.. it goes on.
He doesnt give me credit for anything i do either with the kids or the house. It makes me depressed and anxious. Im sad that I look forward to the nights hes gone, so i can just feel like me and not on a edge. I know i am not perfect, but I live as a sahm and my friend group is extremely small, almost non existent. My sister told me my family doesnt come around because theyre scared of him.. and it shows because i really feel alone.
Before work tonight, he just went to bed on the couch. Its becoming more of our norm. He doesnt even discuss anymore, just ignores me if i ask anything. Im treated like im dumb. I get called selfish, lazy, but the worst part is hell say names at me in front of the kids too. I dont know what to think anymore...
He likes to dig and knows i hate to be called my mothers name so he will do that too. He will compare our relationship to our divorced parents. He keeps saying ill see how good I had it once he goes, but he never does.

Divorce is always an option, isn't it? So sorry you're going through this pain - nothing is more painful than feeling alone and abused within a marriage. He berates you, he calls you names, he insults you, he gives you the silent treatment, he calls you by things he knows you do not like, and he doesn't discuss important issues with you. Those are ALL abusive behaviors.

Can you start to think about a separation and a divorce? I don't think there is anything to salvage here and no reason to try to hang onto such a toxic and unhappy marriage.

I think the only reason we really are together anymore is that I am home & child care. He is the money maker and likes to make point of it. Im not sure what bringing me down does for him but man he makes sure of it... i dont have any finances. We own a home together, have grade age kids, a cat (whom he hates, he makes a point shes my animal) and chickens. Telling me i dont do enough doesnt motivate me to do more, it makes me want to crawl in a hole. Guess first part is to not connect myself to the situation, just keep going. I know he wont change so its leave the only life ive known or learn how to "deal with it".

It sounds like your husband can be very narcissistic and projects his unhappiness on you. This is not something you can fix as he is used to punishing and blaming others when he is not the center of attention getting constant praise and validation. Instead he never sees or acknowledges anything you/others contribute.

Does you husband drink?

No suprirsingly he doesnt drink. Hes a former heroin addict clean since 2015. He is diagnosed bipolar.

Is he being treated for bipolar disorder? And is he in any type of recovery for drug addiction? Addicts are addicts even if they aren’t using. He might be clean but it doesn’t stop him from behaviors that are common for addicts.

Having said all that, it’s his responsibility to get treatment or what not. It’s not your job. I think if people are childless and want to endure abuse, it is their business. But when kids are involved, it gets tricky. They watch dad abusing mom and will think that’s ok. They will have Ms y issues growing up and having their relationships.

If he’s the only one working, courts will award you some alimony and child support and you can rejoin work force after divorce. Divorce doesn’t mean you’ll be homeless and starving. He will have to provide for his kids and likely you until you are on your feet

Would it be smart on my end to be the one filing for divorce? I am terrified of being left on mu butt homeless, or really depending on people. I guess im embarassed too to tell people how it really is.

Youre right i come from a sad home myself, my parents stayed together till i was 18 and it was terrible.. and no, he doesnt get help with anything. Hes someone whos too good to do therapy at this point in life he thinks...hah!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Twinmama831 No suprirsingly he doesnt drink. Hes a former heroin addict clean since 2015. He is diagnosed bipolar.

That explains it all. Sad we don't pay attention to the red flags in the beginning & not go there in the first place.....but you are there.

Can you make a business out of selling your chicken eggs for maybe just a little less than the going rate to build up business. Keep that money in an account (or place) he can't find & save it up until you have some money to get out. You are right....it will not get better unless he wants to change & there is NOTHING you can do to make it happen & there is no real good way to "deal with it" without it destroying you long term

If someone is an addict and stops abusing drugs/alcohol unless they get counseling the toxic behavior pattern doesn’t change. They call this dry drunk behavior. Addicts are very much in their own world and never learned how to regulate their emotions. One of the ongoing behavior patterns is avoiding and blaming others when experiencing emotional challenges.

Unfortunately these behaviors are acted out in front of children who think this is normal adult behavior. This is why individuals that grow up in dysfunctional homes miss the red flags that means they are getting involved with someone they see as safe.

Because you are beginning to see the dysfunction you are in it’s normal to not know what to do. And some partners can actually be dangerous.

True - he will not change, unless he sees the need to change, and that must come from him, not you.

Sounds like he likes to feel better about himself by putting you down and by negatively influencing how you feel about yourself. Tell yourself that all he says about you isn't true - validate the opposite for yourself. Then plan your exit strategy. Can you move in with family until you get back on your feet financially?

I'm going to be very blunt. I looked up your older post, skimmed thru some. Get out NOW.
There are shelters for women and their children. Call one. There is no hope of him changing and you are going to regret leaving your kids in the middle of you two with these fights. They need healthy upbringing. I was not at all a great mother. I wish I had left sooner. I did my best but leaving when the abuse is this bad is the only choice there is. Wondering about a divorce doesn't matter. Finances will work themselves out. You may be able to get govt assistance. Please leave him.