He thinks Im lazy/ Pre-Divorce

Ive been with my husband for 10 years now, 5 married with our two kids (a set of twins). My husband works the third shift and when he comes home hes always complaining. If its not something I did, its the kids, and if its not the kids its the cat.. it goes on.
He doesnt give me credit for anything i do either with the kids or the house. It makes me depressed and anxious. Im sad that I look forward to the nights hes gone, so i can just feel like me and not on a edge. I know i am not perfect, but I live as a sahm and my friend group is extremely small, almost non existent. My sister told me my family doesnt come around because theyre scared of him.. and it shows because i really feel alone.
Before work tonight, he just went to bed on the couch. Its becoming more of our norm. He doesnt even discuss anymore, just ignores me if i ask anything. Im treated like im dumb. I get called selfish, lazy, but the worst part is hell say names at me in front of the kids too. I dont know what to think anymore...
He likes to dig and knows i hate to be called my mothers name so he will do that too. He will compare our relationship to our divorced parents. He keeps saying ill see how good I had it once he goes, but he never does.

Divorce is always an option, isn't it? So sorry you're going through this pain - nothing is more painful than feeling alone and abused within a marriage. He berates you, he calls you names, he insults you, he gives you the silent treatment, he calls you by things he knows you do not like, and he doesn't discuss important issues with you. Those are ALL abusive behaviors.

Can you start to think about a separation and a divorce? I don't think there is anything to salvage here and no reason to try to hang onto such a toxic and unhappy marriage.

I think the only reason we really are together anymore is that I am home & child care. He is the money maker and likes to make point of it. Im not sure what bringing me down does for him but man he makes sure of it... i dont have any finances. We own a home together, have grade age kids, a cat (whom he hates, he makes a point shes my animal) and chickens. Telling me i dont do enough doesnt motivate me to do more, it makes me want to crawl in a hole. Guess first part is to not connect myself to the situation, just keep going. I know he wont change so its leave the only life ive known or learn how to "deal with it".

It sounds like your husband can be very narcissistic and projects his unhappiness on you. This is not something you can fix as he is used to punishing and blaming others when he is not the center of attention getting constant praise and validation. Instead he never sees or acknowledges anything you/others contribute.

Does you husband drink?

No suprirsingly he doesnt drink. Hes a former heroin addict clean since 2015. He is diagnosed bipolar.

Is he being treated for bipolar disorder? And is he in any type of recovery for drug addiction? Addicts are addicts even if they aren’t using. He might be clean but it doesn’t stop him from behaviors that are common for addicts.

Having said all that, it’s his responsibility to get treatment or what not. It’s not your job. I think if people are childless and want to endure abuse, it is their business. But when kids are involved, it gets tricky. They watch dad abusing mom and will think that’s ok. They will have Ms y issues growing up and having their relationships.

If he’s the only one working, courts will award you some alimony and child support and you can rejoin work force after divorce. Divorce doesn’t mean you’ll be homeless and starving. He will have to provide for his kids and likely you until you are on your feet

Would it be smart on my end to be the one filing for divorce? I am terrified of being left on mu butt homeless, or really depending on people. I guess im embarassed too to tell people how it really is.

Youre right i come from a sad home myself, my parents stayed together till i was 18 and it was terrible.. and no, he doesnt get help with anything. Hes someone whos too good to do therapy at this point in life he thinks...hah!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Twinmama831 No suprirsingly he doesnt drink. Hes a former heroin addict clean since 2015. He is diagnosed bipolar.

That explains it all. Sad we don't pay attention to the red flags in the beginning & not go there in the first place.....but you are there.

Can you make a business out of selling your chicken eggs for maybe just a little less than the going rate to build up business. Keep that money in an account (or place) he can't find & save it up until you have some money to get out. You are right....it will not get better unless he wants to change & there is NOTHING you can do to make it happen & there is no real good way to "deal with it" without it destroying you long term

If someone is an addict and stops abusing drugs/alcohol unless they get counseling the toxic behavior pattern doesn’t change. They call this dry drunk behavior. Addicts are very much in their own world and never learned how to regulate their emotions. One of the ongoing behavior patterns is avoiding and blaming others when experiencing emotional challenges.

Unfortunately these behaviors are acted out in front of children who think this is normal adult behavior. This is why individuals that grow up in dysfunctional homes miss the red flags that means they are getting involved with someone they see as safe.

Because you are beginning to see the dysfunction you are in it’s normal to not know what to do. And some partners can actually be dangerous.

True - he will not change, unless he sees the need to change, and that must come from him, not you.

Sounds like he likes to feel better about himself by putting you down and by negatively influencing how you feel about yourself. Tell yourself that all he says about you isn't true - validate the opposite for yourself. Then plan your exit strategy. Can you move in with family until you get back on your feet financially?

I'm going to be very blunt. I looked up your older post, skimmed thru some. Get out NOW.
There are shelters for women and their children. Call one. There is no hope of him changing and you are going to regret leaving your kids in the middle of you two with these fights. They need healthy upbringing. I was not at all a great mother. I wish I had left sooner. I did my best but leaving when the abuse is this bad is the only choice there is. Wondering about a divorce doesn't matter. Finances will work themselves out. You may be able to get govt assistance. Please leave him.

I am in a very similar boat, sorry you are going through this and I’m sorry I can’t give any advice myself. I just wanted to say thank you for sharing your story it has made me feel so seen, I was starting to believe there was something wrong with me. Thank you to everyone that commented.

Hopefully I don't offend anyone, but I used to be very similar to this man...I wish I could tell you that you can save him but you can't, he has to save himself. From what I'm reading he isn't even trying to do that, he doesn't realize he's a monster yet. There are programs and people to help you get out as other users have stated.

I'm not qualified to give you any diagnosis on his condition, but if he's the monster I was it has absolutely NOTHING to do with you, the kids, or even the cat. There is a chance he will get better, but you shouldn't stay in the situation until then. My wife stuck with me through all of it, it took me years to heal and I'm still not all the way there. We are 18 years in and it's finally safe enough for her to move out and rethink the marriage. It isnt worth it for you to be damaged by this in my opinion. Leave before you're truly trapped, further damaged, and regret the one life you have to live. Maybe being alone will force him to face what he truly is...

I glanced at your previous threads, as well as reading your posts here. I did that because your situartion sounds so dire. I think you will remain depressed as long as you stay in this marriage.

The main impediment to a woman leaving a marriage like yours is usually financial. I saw that you were following a course of study that should lead to employment. Even with such a job, you will struggle financially being on your own. But you can survive on your own. Women with less education than you manage to make it. However, it might be prudent to complete your course of study first, if you're terribly afraid of not being able to cope financially. Don't tell your husband that you plan to leave. Managing very small kids on your own will also be tough, but I doubt your husband is much help with the kids now. I'ld advise you to plan on leaving, but pick the time when you will be more prepared than you are right now. How much longer before you complete your program of study?

From how you describe him, I don't see where he has any potential to ever become much different from exactly how he is now. This sounds like a loveless marriage. This guy sounds really mean. Anyone that mean is never going to become "nice." You'll never be happy living with this man.

Once you conclude you need to escape this marriage, it becomes a matter of figuring out the logistics of doing do. I'm mainly talking about money. It's a tough challenge, but other women have managed to do it. So can you.

You are being mentally abused. If you can, try to get to a support group for abused women . . . though I don't know how you can get to a meeting, if you're caretaking small kids around the clock. Make a phone call to an agency that counsels abused women. You can get some suport over the phone. Do a Google search for domestic violence resources in your area. If you have the funds, make an appointment with an attorney. Don't let your husband know you're doing that. He'll just get nastier with you.

I think your situation is awfully serious. Staying in it will eventually lead to you becoming more and more beat down psychologically and more and more convinced that there is no way out. He will browbeat you into believing that. Keep posting and getting the support you can get here, and get any support you can from elsewhere. It's going to be tough, but there is a pathway out. Arguing with a man like that is pointless. Keep you thoughts about leaving to yourself, until you are ready to actually make a move. Pleading with him on your knees won't change how this marriage is. It would be good to keep a journal, if you can keep it hidden from him. In it you can document what you are going through. If there's a risk of him finding your journal, then do it electronically. You can use this website to record the bad experiences you have with him. I hope to see you continue posting.

I'm sorry you're going through this. He does not sound like a pleasant person and is not treating you as an "equal".

I know you feel like you're stuck in this situation because of your financial dependence on him but you're not. You can always reinvent yourself and make your way in this world without him. Will it be easy? No. However, the longer you stay with him, the more empowered he's going to feel because of his perceived "financial dominance" and the more miserable you'll be.

I'd call his bluff, too. If he's threatening to leave to show you how "good" you have it, I'd make the first move and get the hell out of that toxic environment.