I am alone... and it is my fault.

I have spent maybe 30 minutes of where I should post this, as I felt i was compartmentalizing what are symptoms and stuff as I am undiagnosed by a health official. The only thing I do know or suspect I may have is ADHD/ADD as it runs in my entire dads side of the family, while my mothers side are alcoholics.

I hit the rock bottom. No, this is not a professional wrestling pun. This has been the lowest I have felt why entire life. In the duration of the past 2 years, I have been disowned by my moms side of the family for not wanting to drink and giving them money to get booze. My dads side, did something similar only with religion.

I had to let go of what I considered a friend circle, as it was extremely one sided and yet they demanded more and more. So I cut off the toxicity. I also got out of an abusive relationship cut out her friends. another case to toxicity on top of her being abusive.

Cut to current day. I isolated myself. Due to housing and financial situation. On top of the area having a poor outlook on people in my social status, I isolated and decided to not talk to anyone for a year and a half. I personally don't want to speak to others, but I know my human nature and/or instincts needs social interaction. The more time goes on, the more I divulge in attempting to interact with others, but days later, I push away.

I have never been a interesting person. I don't have hobbies that I haven't been interested in, nor do I desire them. I am easily comparable to Siri or Google assistant, but they do a better job. I used to read wikipedia a lot. I played guitar, used to play games very badly that the toxic acquaintances would convince me to play. I wrote when I was younger, but that has been almost two decades. I forgot everything I knew back then.

Everyone I attempt to communicate with, usually within two days I push away. Either I argue, attempt to just disappear, or just do something I am used to doing, not talk at all. I have strong social anxiety when I am in public. Crippling so much, that I can only run errands at 6am or near store closing 845pm. I am conflicted. And I am annoyed that I struggle with this.

A completely different take on a portion of your current situation? What if you change your viewpoint to see it from a far more positive light? What if you realized that you have been severing many toxic relationships, clearing your life for more fulfilling, equal, like-minded, healthy people you could meet and relate with. When you meet people you can truly relate to, where it's easy and natural to connect, talk, share, and laugh without feelings of uneasiness, anxiety or fear, the loneliness goes away. Do you know the people I'm talking about? Have you ever just "clicked" with certain personalities, the types of people who immediately "get you", understand you, and relate to you? Have you ever had that in your life? This, imho, is what you need.... the social anxiety can literally be resolved or held at bay when you meet, find, run into , bump into people you can connect with on a real, down to earth, human, and soulful level. Thats' when you don't feel so alone, when everything rights itself again, and when you feel a sense of purpose and meaning.

Perhaps think about counseling to help you overcome your social anxiety? It could be due to trauma. Abuse is traumatizing to a person's body, soul, and mind. Something to think about.

I have and having recently admitting myself, and seeing a person to help me network, it did not prove very fruitful, as anything counseling or mental health related is very backed up here. Waiting lists can have a 2+ year expectancy time frame. Its not a option to jump right into at the moment.

I do not know what your talking about to be honest. I sort of just went through motions. I gravitated to those I guess would be considered toxic. And it shows. Maybe I despised myself when I was younger and it grew into self depreciation and self sabotage. Gender dysphoria, trauma, dealing with family, etc... its all I had. My personality is very cookie cutter generic. I am not overly intelligent. I have been compared to in the past to Siri or Google assistant only they can do what I did better and more accurate. With as generic as I am, its easy to phase in the background. Not to mention having weak social skills and bad decision making with friendships.

I think I am at a point where I don't want to better anything. I don't see much of any benefits to do so. Humans are the downfall of human kind. We will always let each other down as our own survival will take precedence. I hate being a human myself and often feel extreme shame when its in the back of my mind.

Sent from my SM-G960W using Tapatalk

It's a matter of perspective, mentality and the direction you ALLOW your thoughts to go. We can CHOOSE to see life very negatively and ourselves negatively, or we can choose to see things from a far more positive light. This is part of what I was getting at. The other part was to help you see that you can form healthy relationships.. you have to be open to that though. And now you have room to do so since you severed many toxic friendships. It allows room to meet more like minded and healthier people for yourself.

Perspective is also determined by ones situation also. Here in the Atlantic Coast of Canada, living a life of alcohol, partying and activities between the sheets are an extremly common lifestyle amoung people here. And if you can not benefit these people with incentives, you don't see the light of day.

I cannot drink, between ADHD and born an Alcoholic, those two addictive traits not worth venturing down with alcohol.

Partying usually involves drugs and stuff between the sheets. I haven't done drugs since highschool and it was Marijuana. I am asexual.

I have tried in the the last 2 years, attending 5 support groups. Being a male over the age of 25 greatly reduces the options available. Four of the groups had stopped due to lack of people attending. The last one just stopped. These sessions felt, yet again, one sided. I could have just caught the recording on YouTube. The average age for these sessions would have been people in their late forties and was hard to connect with, like a barrier.

Perspective is also understanding others are a variable, which we can never predict or plan fully for. No one is guaranteed a Disney story.

I feel like I can rant and what not but its neither her nor there. And I apologize for coming across argumentative and stop.

Sent from my SM-G960W using Tapatalk

I do understand.... what I am trying to get at is you can change your perspective. A person's perspective does not need to be written in stone and permanent. We can shift our thoughts and therefore, our perspective. Perspective does not need to be dictated by circumstances - that sounds very defeatist.

You could be depressed? Have you considered that you could be suffering from depression? You are speaking like someone who feels defeated and depressed. Depression is like wearing a pair of tinted glasses that color everything in life negatively.

And it sounds like you are choosing not to live the unhealthy lifestyle that is common where you live. That's a positive. Perhaps these support groups that you've joined haven't been the right fit and haven't worked out for one reason or another, but does that mean you can't get any help at all? No. There are options. You just have to have the resources and the motivation to seek them out for yourself.

In life, we have to fight our own battles, be our own advocates, and fight for what we want. If you want to live a. better and happier life, you have to fight for it. You need to resolve the problems. And the first step in doing so is to identify what the problems are. From my viewpoint, it seems like you could be suffering depression and a darkened perspective coming from a depressed state of living. Isolation will also cause depression. We are naturally social creatures and need human connection to thrive and be happy.

I don't have all the answers... I am just throwing out some thoughts for consideration.

I am alone & it is MY choice. Never cared for the party scene. I focused on getting my degree (Accounting/Computer Science) then on my career & I did get married & had our daughter. But even then I loved my quiet at home life with outside activities at a minimum being racquetball with the guys I worked with & the chamber music groups I played in with my flute.

I left that bad marriage 16 years ago & bought a small farm that keeps me busy & I do have friends with similar interests. But my home is my retreat that I thoroughly love & now share with 2 dogs & 2 cats & all the wild critters including deer, raccoons & possums. Alone is definitely not bad especially after a marriage of 33 years tgat was nothing but arguing & fighting. Peace & quiet is what I treasure

I commend you for everything you have accomplished for yourself. It is really neat you have come this far and accomplished so much to be where you are today.

Can I ask you both, do you have a support system in place? I can assume that you both do, but that is only an assumption. For me when I left my ex, I lost the people I considered friends as they were her friends. My biological mother and Biological father and their families I do not contact because of toxic behaviors (Alcoholism and forcing religion)

I don't have proper social skills, and they seem to be at a 14 year old's gullible state despite being in my late 30's as I end up befriending some people I should never have done so with in the beginning.

So Maybe personal development is a factor. Financial stability and housing stability is another factor. Untreated medical issues (physical and mental) also comes into play. Still on a wait list for a GP and still no word.

Alone is fine. Isolation is detrimental for any human being.

My parents are both decessed & I am an only child. Mt daughter had moved halfway across the country before my mom died. When I left, I was dealing with major depression & PTSD & anorexia from the stress of what I went through that caused the PTSD. I knew if I didn't leave then I would not live. I took a flight even farther across the country than my daughter had moved with my dog (Leo) & stayed a couple of weeks working with a RE agent to find a small farm. I ended up buying the farm I have now outside of an amazing little historical town where I knew absolutely no one. I got to start my life completely over at 54. Didn't get my divorce for 11 years because of his financial irresponsibility with the IRS & I am still legally dealing with stupid financial issues he caused me....but I am free from ever having to live around or close to him ever again.

Yes, I started exploring my new town (8000 people vs Los Angeles where I moved from) & went to the book club at the library. Wow, that was not me, but it proved to myself that I could enjoy reading books & retain what I read & get involved in discussions. None of which I could do when I left my marriage because of the stress level I was having. I went to awesome historical events in town & met people & horse people & began riding with the people I met & getting to know them. We formed a couple of horse groups right after I moved here. One was for back country riding & the other was just a group of older women who owned horses. That group got into a stallion rescue mission while the lady was on trial for abuse which got me to meet many of the officials around town.

I was invited to a Bible study 6 months after moving here by a complete stranger. I went to that Bible study for many years & became friends with a group of lady's from there.

What helped me most was that I, by chance found the most awesome therapist in my 13+ years of struggling with depression. Go figure, in a small town in Ky. She had a DBT group & we met together for almost 2 years. The group formed a bond because we knew each others struggles. I was seeing her up to the point when covid hit & she had been telling me for awhile that I was just fine now. I kept going off & on just when I needed to talk through things that came up regarding my ex.....& when covid hit, she was right....I was finally ok.

I am going to a new church just this last year & very involved including being in on the ground floor of the Celebrate Recovery group they are starting for the community this week. Religion is not all bad.....but it does depend on the people involved & the beliefs they hold.

I am more a part of this awesome community than I ever was in Calif. I do have support but I very seldom lean on it at this point. Knowing good people in the community, if I need work done I put out feelers as to who is reliable. I have been burned when I first moved here but support I didn't even know I had stepped up to help. One reason I would NEVER live in a city ever again. We are a small farming community & I love it & we connect & support each other. I know my neighbors here even though our farms are separated by acres of land. First time in my life I truly do not feel alone & I feel this is home & this is the first time I ever lived alone in my life. I was more "alone" the first 54 years of my life because I was always fighting against those around me for the life I wanted for myself. I had no idea just how dysfunctional those around me were all those years & I grew up with dysfunctional skills that DBT & my wonderful therapist helped me change & adapt into functional ones. I can enjoy being with others now & I truly enjoy my alone retreat on my farm.

My new puppy (8 mo old now) enjoyed a beautiful (ALONE) hike through my woods yesterday checking out the frozen creek & stream. Not a person around & I love being in nature like that & having my wonderful puppy buddy to enjoy it with

Hi Lorna, so sorry you’re going through such a difficult time. It’s hard to be alone, but it’s better than being around toxic people.

Self development is quite important, especially since it’s taking so long to find any counseling or treatment. Don’t wait to start feeling better

It’s fine to not be interested in any hobbies.
Just try to focus on improving your mental health one day at a time. No need to rush, just stick to the basics- good nutrition, exercise (even in your room is fine), no toxic people

I know meditation seems boring, but people never say the real reason to do it. The point isn’t to just sit there, but to feel what’s going on in your brain and body and reprogramming yourself.
It takes some getting used to and some patience, but it really is worth it

Even if the people around you suck, you can still feel good about yourself. Eventually you’ll find the right friends