About my friend

I made a new friend who also became close real soon. I met him two weeks ago. He loves getting hugs. Especially for grounding. He’s really cute and sweet too. I’ve found a good friend.

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Originally Posted by Blah nlah I made a new friend who also became close real soon. I met him two weeks ago. He loves getting hugs. Especially for grounding. He’s really cute and sweet too. I’ve found a good friend.

Don't jump to conclusions about someone being a "good friend" until you really get to know them. When i meet someone I connect with I basically tell myself that they have the possibility of BECOMING a good friend AFTER I really take time to get to know them. You can never really know that quickly. It takes time to truly KNOW if good friend compatibility exists or not.

This also eliminates emotional rollercoaster feelings of thinking someone is a good friend then finding out they aren't like what you hoped they were like when you first met them. It is a much more functional way of relating to other people

Listen to the ^! Much wisdom there.

@Blah nlah

Well.
What can I say. You were right.
I’m not sure what happened to me, but I seem to be getting ghosted. I’ve realised this is a sign for me to work on my self love.

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Originally Posted by Blah nlah Well. What can I say. You were right. I’m not sure what happened to me, but I seem to be getting ghosted. I’ve realised this is a sign for me to work on my self love.

It is more than just about self love. It is learning interpersonal effectiveness & learning how to read others before jumping into what you see as a relationship

Perhaps I was blind. I didn’t see the signs that this will happen. According to my mom and sister, I am dealing with it quite well. They were afraid I’d get depressed. I was sad for a while, cried a bit, and thought about what happened. The guy said he has to be obsessed with his work now. I guess I agree. I’m going out today, to find an internship. I hope I get it.

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Originally Posted by Blah nlah Perhaps I was blind. I didn’t see the signs that this will happen. According to my mom and sister, I am dealing with it quite well. They were afraid I’d get depressed. I was sad for a while, cried a bit, and thought about what happened. The guy said he has to be obsessed with his work now. I guess I agree. I’m going out today, to find an internship. I hope I get it.

Don't think it is so much about being blind to the signs, there are just safe ways of starting off getting to know people & keeping yourself in logical control & not thinking something is a friendship before it is ever a real relationship of any kind beyond an acquaintance.....or making sure something never gets past the acquaintance stage if you see any real incompatibilities.

Not every acquaintance we make is meant to be a friendship. Being selective is actually a healthy trait.

Glad to hear you are not taking it hard & getting on with your life

Thank you. Yeah I’m doing my own thing now, even though there’s no reply from him. I have posted elsewhere but I’ll say it here too. I need to work on my mental health since I clearly did not see what’s happening. He said he wanted to be friends with benefits after I kissed him, I said no. And that he’s not ready for a relationship. I was glad, since it would save me energy from hoping. But the next day we kissed as though he really loved me. Now there’s no hope. He said he doesn’t have time to even be friends with people. That’s great. I have work too, from Monday. Probably looking to stay near the office. Distance is great, distraction is great, I hope I process this with my therapist. I know that something’s off, as to why I didn’t see these things as danger signals early on. Attraction is natural, and craving too. This is the first time someone reciprocated this much. What with the kisses and hugs, one might think he is really in love with you! But yes. Danger signs. His calm and serious way of talking won’t let people doubt what he’s saying. When he says “I used to find ways to sleep with people.” One might think he’s being vulnerable. And yet, it’s probably that which he still does.

Everyone has told me to cut him off. Great, I can do that, since I may be moving to another house, and not be in the neighbourhood. Earlier I thought it’s impossible to cut him off since I’ll keep seeing him on weekends or whenever he is coming home on his scooter. Even so, can anyone help me cut him off mentally? I may block him, but can I stop thinking about him suddenly? This is because I have been sad and numb since a while. Even my mother told me she understands. I’m glad I could find someone to talk to. But it doesn’t leave me mind does it? It’ll go eventually, I hope. I just wanna know. What was that? I’m not angry, not that much anyway. Maybe indignation. I have been loved by my parents physically except when my mom is upset at me I may not get hugs.
He said he avoids physical contact at home, his parents do not talk about sexual issues and relationships at home. Comparatively I am lucky, since everyone is willing to talk to me about it! Even my mom, sis and other trusted friends.

Kissing and hugging isn’t an indication of being in love at all. There are ton of other reasons for kissing and hugging. I’d not attach any big meanings to it. I suggest to get very busy with your own life and that would help you to stop ruminating.

I understand. I’ve realised that humans have a drive for sex since it is hardwired into our brain. And yet the emotional part of it is still there, which means we want to love the person we have sex with, or whatever leads up to it. For pleasure though, people get used very often. I am quite sure, that he would have imagined it, since he said he wanted more. Now he wouldn’t openly say what since it may be embarrassing for him. But I know that in real life it would not work on me. Since I’ll be numb like a stone. The knowledge that someone doesn’t love you can greatly change how much response we show, I feel. So with him, as much as I want from him, I’ll never enjoy it.

It is true, that all of that stuff is hardwired into the brain and when not careful may lead one to doing something they would not normally otherwise do. It takes time to get to know someone and, much like a therapist, you really need to build sort of trust bank with them. Those drives are powerful, and we often times may see or think someone is something they are not. So, take your time, get to know them, then when that trust is there, then you can proceed. I hope the best of luck to you and maybe they are what they seem.

If a man doesn’t love you and you want his love, then it’s a bad idea to sleep with him or continue seeing him. That’s why I suggest to keep busy so you don’t preoccupy yourself with what’s not there

This afternoon something unexpected happened. I had promised not to open his chat, but I got frustrated and curious and impatient. So I opened it, last was two weeks ago.
I hoped he would have sent something at least. When I opened the chat and found nothing there, it moved me to tears. I went to the bathroom for privacy, I am still feeling a deep ache in my heart between my throat and chest. In the morning and for the past few days, I've been having dreams and they've been very sexual. I have a therapy session scheduled for this week, and my therapist and I are focusing on this topic, she said that it may take some time to work through.
I have become faster at work now. I amazed myself.

I think the therapist is right and you will take time to work through that and it is OK. You should not rush yourself. Amazing that you have become faster at work. Congrats!

Sometimes working through stuff it helps to jump out of the hole we are stuck in & see it from a different perspective