Leaving My Schizophrenic Husband

I already made a post about leaving my husband here:

Had The Strength to Leave My Husband Today - Update

But like in true form and fashion, I have been holding on. One of the most difficult things of this divorce process and separating myself from him is not only do still I love him with all my heart, but it is also REALLY difficult to blame someone for their illness. He is a very sick person, but I can't go on blaming myself for his issues.

I've been bad ya'll. I have been tormenting myself for the past two weeks; from the time he disappeared to go on a possible drug binge, to him ending back up in a psych ward because a psychiatrist wouldn't prescribe him meds because he said my husband needed more care than he could provide.

I have been robbed of sleep and punishing myself. I have been feeling so much guilt, shame and remorse over this whole thing because I keep thinking about the times that he stuck to his medication and was the man I fell in love with. The times I did talk to him on the phone since he's been back in New York has been civil, with us both knowing that its over but still wanting to remain in each other's lives.

But you can't romanticize and stuck in love with an IDEA of a person, it just isn't healthy.

The hardest part of this process is how sick he really is and how much of a monster he can turn into. I am his Rep Payee on top of all of this and have been trying to send his clothes and money to his mom little by little in the backdrop of all this drama. But I just can't anymore. Tonight, he called me and told me that he needed his bank cards, (my bank cards) and that I'm an imposter who is trying to rob him. He was really nasty and cold, and I just know that this is God's way of telling me I have to let go. It's his delusions and stress of being back in the hospital, but enough is enough. How much more can I do this?

The hardest lesson? Love just isn't enough to make a relationship work. I need to take care of myself before I get myself sick too.

You are doing the right thing for your own mental health by disconnecting with him. His mental illness can get worse and dangerous. The fact that he indulges in drugs along with being mentally ill makes him even more unpredictable. This is not something you can fix.

When someone is prone to getting psychotic and take medication only to stop taking the medication where they once again risk having psychotic episodes, they put others at risk. Their thoughts start getting delusional and add alcohol or drugs to that is much too dangerous for you or others.

@Open Eyes you're absolutely right - he is a danger to himself and others and has been for a long time. The fact of the matter is that the destructive behavior never stopped - the only time when he was the man I married was when he was institutionalized in a structured environment when I used to visit him. That's the harsh reality of the place he needs to be. Enabling him from afar helps no one, and this is the best thing I could have done.

The hard part is actually picking up the pieces and moving on.

Leave the pieces and walk away. Do not pack your mental bags with pieces that do you no service. Take things one day at a time and commit to learning to heal and focus on your own mental health.

Sometimes we can't save the ones we love. However painful it is, we do have to let go because holding on means sacrificing yourself and continuing this cycle of suffering.

You are showing a lot of self-growth in the decision you are making. If you don't choose yourself, you will drown too..

@Open Eyes you have no idea how much this means to me. I am learning to take things one day at a time, sometimes, (especially today, it's been one hour at a time). I have been focusing on my own mental health by cleaning my place and having a safe space, taking a shower, and just resting and reflecting on how blessed how truly in my freedom. Thank you so much for your support.

@Rive. I am not going to lie. this process has been really hard. Even though I have pretty much gotten used to him being out of my life, the emotional ties are still there. I have had a self-care/self reflection day and have really come to terms slowly at what is really happening. The longer time goes on, the more healing will come. Today I choose me, and that is the best thing I can do. This act of self-sacrificing has got to end, or I will never be truly free. Thanks so much.