Looking back on things with clarity.

((I am unsure if this should have been posted in relationship sub category or in men's health category))


So, I have been stewing on a great many things. I have tried super hard to keep my thoughts as impartial as possibly as I feel when I look back on many things, I lie, or alter to better suit my mood. I know one way I try to do is the second set of shoes philosophy, but I digress.

So I think I may have convinced myself that I am someone who never will never experience romantic or sexual attraction due to a medical issue I have never addressed. I know I have a desire or longing to experience them but I am not sure If I can or have. The cues don't work or never clicked in my head. Looking back, I never felt a desire or motivation or ambition like I noticed others (male or female) show when there is some form of attraction/crush. I had surrounded myself with peers, who all thought very similar in the matter that if you don't have a spouse no matter your orientation, that you are going to end up forgotten and will not not be able to contribute to society. So I forced myself to attempt this relationship thing, and I REALLY regret it as it has left me with for mental instability then before.

Before I begin, the classification of how endowed a male is, was literally never a thought for me before I met my second ex back in the late 2000's. I didn't have friends in Highschool, and I kept to my own vices. My biological father and stepmother were super strict to begin with. I think I tried to befriend people in the beginning, but not being able to control my time, I suspect others felt betrayed, or I seemed showed no interest, and people naturally stayed away to the point I was the outcast and bullied. Any conversation I had was more or less ... weird as it sounds... business. School work, projects, group work, etc... I was overlooked with Prom and graduation and was only given an apology from the school counselor upon picking up my graduation certificate after finishing a shift at work. I think for me it didn't bother me though as I never established a connection with anyone so at the time time, there was no skin shaven off my back.

Before I begin, I am a bit nervous having writing this as their is a sense of emasculating myself and to avoid the post from getting flagged or removed I am trying to use generalized terms. It was a weird moment. I didn't know how or what to feel but... I felt a sense of embarrassment. I left, even before getting dressed.

Looking back now, I know both relationships I had were unhealthy. My exs were rebounding from a previous relationship. I know I wasn't good either as I was dating because of Peer pressure, the culture of the areas I lived and I was confusing the terms companionship with a more intimate definition of relationship. I also thought if I did this, I wouldn't be bothered by my peers and could be regarded as someone on equal grounds. Those peers ended up ditching me anyways (Small Victories). But my first ex was bad. I noticed two things. I was extremely anxious when she want to take things to the bedroom. I created excuses for about two weeks until I had no more. It was as bad as I envisioned. She was highly disappointed and even visibly disappointed. I had moved out the next day. To this day, we have never talked or contacted each other.

After moving out, I can only speculate, as I knew she liked to party a lot, she had told people back where we were and rumors started spreading that I was so disappointing I turn women into lesbians. This became evident as I had moved in briefly with my mother for a small bit to work a job and save to move out. I had gone to the grocery store to help her out. I left and waited out by the car. Two weeks later I decided the best course of action was to leave the province and head out west, as I was living on the East coastline at the time.

My second ex was a bit more unique. She tried to, I would assume so, be nice maybe (?) I am not very sure as she showed narcissistic tendencies, and she had rebounded from a rough relationship and had some heavy burdens of her own. So I struggled very hard to be able to perform in the bedroom. It was evident there was issues at this point. I was taking Citalopram, Had a back pack of untreated mental health stuff, and like before didn't have a connection. I was always told by those who helped me said about trying to find someone. She lied to me I guess to stoke the ego. She was a avid weed smoker, and was always on her phone calling the few friends she had and sharing all the details of a past week with them. This time she had forgotten to close the door and had mentioned to her friend who was a nurse that I struggled to perform in the bedroom and that I was really small and she had to act because she felt sad for me. She then said that this relationship wasn't going to work as she was hypersexualized.

When We had first started dating, she was 'poly' or Polyamory. I felt uneasy about that for many many reasons. Those reasons being made fun of by others, or even performance issues, little alone sleeping with other people. I didn't fault her for sleeping with others, as I know I couldn't satisfy her in that department, we grew distant, and I just fueled that bad part of her. I can't say or know for sure, if this is authentic or a result of her mental mind games altering my line of thinking, but I do feel bad. Because I wasn't honest to myself, I couldn't be honest to her. Is it wrong for her wanting to find someone who can satisfy her in what ever spectrum of intimacy and romance especially when it comes to a love interest? No, I really think In a way I forced a hand of cards on her that she wasn't prepared for. I have seen a bunch of people misconstrue some advice that everyone should drop everything for that partner. I don't think that is right. At the same same time communication could benefit situations like this.

I regret being honest to myself because I feel like I hurt others because I with held information about me, and never seeked out proper help to assess my health (Physical and Mental), decided to please others over not only my own but my well being. I cannot for sure say that I am unable to experience an attraction as I don't think I experienced them as of today. I know despite being considered.

I know I now need to be careful especially if I ever decide to ever try and get involved with someone. Whether its peers of theirs talking about their escapades, and that partner feels left out or becomes a constant wear moving forward. I guess this was something I should have been honest with my second ex with, as well as her.

Hi LornaKay,
I happened upon this post and wanted to offer you some support. I've been with someone who was not "well endowed" in the past, and frankly there can be quite a bit of pleasuring even with a smaller phallus, particularly if you get very hard.
Also, sex isn't only about penetration. Most women enjoy sensual foreplay, involving hands, mouths, lots of touch and caressing and licking and sucking, all over the body. Next time you find yourself being intimate build up her arousal by pleasuring her in such ways, which may also add to your arousal and hardness of erection, then at penetration a different position. I particularly enjoy being on my side with my husband on his knees penetrating me sideways, so a different angle than missionary or rear penetration.

I am so sorry to hear about this. Please look up if there are practitioners of Sex Surrogates: What They Do and When to See One, a WebMD article in your area. This might be the avenue to become much more comfortable and at ease with sex. Nor burdened by all the things you have just described in your former partners.

@LornaKay regarding the first sentence of your OP: you are allowed to cross-post in two forums. Not more than that, but 2 is just fine. You will get more exposure and more diversity of responses by cross-posting.

Sorry for not replying. Been super busy. I don't think I was expecting any advice, but MORE SO, just getting it off my chest. As far as sex is concerned it is the LEAST of my worries. I am currently awaiting to head to a program from another province to get the proper care I need to help myself deal with trauma on top of seeing if I can one continue with my transition with HRT. I'm currently awaiting to hear back from all the referrals, and when I can official leave to go there. Again, I wasn't expecting to get response, more so this is how I get stuff off my chest. Dunno if that comes across as silly, but I don't have family or friends. Thank you for the suggestions though ^^

You are correct! And my self esteem issues had let peers dictate misinformation all my life. To a point where I was scared to come out as Transgender. They judged me on my physical appearance, and I regret listening to any of them. I may not have anyone IRL, but I know I no longer have to live under anyones expectations of what they want me to be. I know there is more to sexual encounters, but when you are surrounded by people with similar views with this, its easy to get caught up in, especially with anxiety issues. I am doing SO much better now. And I am on my way soon to get help with my mental health issues and address some past trauma. Again, thnak you for you suggestions and I hope you have a great day ^^

I'm sorry @LornaKay, I don't quite follow something you said.

Are you transitioning M to F, or F to M ?

I'm sorry you went through this with your former partners.

Some people seem to be able to be far more relaxed about physical relationships. I was with the same person for over 20 years. I'm terrified of having a physical relationship. I'm scared of being rejected, or rejecting someone and hurting them. For some of us, that level of physical intimacy is intimidating.

I'd like to be with someone, but ultimately decided being on my own for a good long stretch, maybe permanently, is the safer and healthier choice for me.

And you know what?? Those tool bags who were cutting you down can go pound sand! Eff that! Seriously! Respect the privacy and the intimacy of your partner! What a bunch of potholes they are! Moving and putting that BS in your rear view mirror is a good thing.

Imma hug you now 🤗

RDMercer

LornaKay is transitioning M to F, if I understood correctly

Hi @LornaKay

Are you OK?