Request for Help In Leaving a Toxic Relationahip

Hello everyone. I have been struggling for some time with leaving what I feel is a toxic relationship. During our first years we obviously had our honeymoon phase but I eventually saw the cracks. From past experiences she experienced with abuse and her ongoing abuse of alcohol.

For the last three years I have planned my leave, but have never been able to pull the trigger.

I feel like I am more of a cash cow to her rather than her boyfriend/so. She has been out of full time work for over four years now and refuses to pursue a part time job. She always claims that she needs to be there for her daughters. At the time of our meeting they were young but now one is a junior in high school and the other a college freshman.

I just no longer feel attracted to her. She complains about every aspect of her life, ranging from family to all of the bad breaks she has received in life. She still receives money for child support which was cut in half this past summer. I have paid for major expenditures and it is something she just expects. I also pay the typical utility bills.

I have spoken to therapists about leaving and they have all given me great advice. But I no longer want to be there but fear that she will fall into a spiral that she will not come out of. I know that I can not take the relationship any longer and do not feel that I am finically obligated to care for her. She is perfectly capable to work and still have time to be there for her children.

I tried to leave several months ago as I told her that I was unhappy and asked if she was unhappy which she responded yes. She then broke down and became manipulative stating that I had all the power as I was the one that was leaving her. I asked what was powerful about ending a relationship.

Her tears kept me there but I long to be by myself as I feel more comfortable being on my own and in control of my life.

Any suggestions on leaving peacefully and amicably? I feel the only way out to avoid more manipulation or even an extreme anger outburst is to pack up and leave when she is not around but I want that to be a last resort only.

She is not rational when it comes to things like this.

@Supergolfer12 welcome to MSF. I am sorry you are in a relationship that is not what it used to be.

Every relationship I have been in reaches that point where the honeymoon is over and reality sets in. I have tried the leaving strategy and the result was deep regrets for the suffering they experienced.

I have tried the stay under many unfavorable conditions and complained bitterly about that. There is no right way to resolve relationships unless it is to do what your conscience tells you is the right thing.

Another way to go is to accept that you are roommates and begin living your life in more creative ways. If you need to get away how about going on a vaca by yourself or with a friend where you are not going to get roped into another relationship?

Another option is to join a gym or practice yoga or take up painting or creative arts. You are the captain of your fate but sometimes there are reasons in our past that make it difficult to break off a relationship. You are not making any snap decisions. Maybe ask yourself why.

Sometimes there is not a good alternative. That can happen. I think it is better to look in your own mind rather than ask other people for advice, which is really asking them to make the decision.

I think you can use this as an opportunity to reinvent how you see your life. What do you say? Give it a try and do some serious brainstorming. Then rationally decide what is best for you in the long run.

CANDC

[If you want me to see your reply to this post please include @CANDC in your message - not in requoting my message]

@CANDC, thank you for your input. I understand where you are coming from. However, I can not be just the roommate. I have taken me time as I do attend the gym frequently and have gone on trips by myself. I just do not want to be a cash cow for her. She needs to be the self sustaining person she was. I was her biggest cheerleader up until the point she quit her full time job out of the blue. I cheered her on even after. However, we have been together for nearly seven years and I maintain a property where I resided before we met and only kept it as I had a friend who was living with me as he was going through a divorce as well. Unfortunately he passed away several years ago. I work longer hours so I do not have to go home. I volunteer for any work event that needs attended so I don't have to be around her. She does not take care of herself. I finally was able to get her to purchase health insurance through the marketplace (though I filled out the app). I know she is an alcoholic, but denies it though she goes through four bottles of vodka a week. My therapist told me that it is not my responsibility to care for her nor enable her to take these actions. I know she suffers from depression and goes days without showering. We have no common ground and when really didn't from the beginning. I am career driven and financially conscious. She is not. I must make the break as I have been slowly planning it for several years. Now it is a matter of finding the least harmful way to do it. So I am not necessarily looking for other people to make my decision but asking for advice on how to leave without imparting maximum damage. I know that I will not have regrets when I leave or look back and think I made a mistake. I know this is what must be done.

I think leaving when she is not around to manipulate you with her tears is a good choice. You’ve told her already and she has done nothing to change. You can stay in the situation forever waiting for her to accept it but that’s not likely to happen

@Nammu. Thank you for your input. I totally agree with your suggestion. That is what my therapist suggested as well. I have been thinking about a time that she will be gone in the near future. I have been moving things out of her home for many months (I still own another property in another state closer to where I work). I know she will never change and I wish I would have seen it much sooner in terms of her drinking and various other things. I have only myself to blame for that. There hasn't been a connection for a long time and since the time (and times prior to me trying to end it) she has always used some form of manipulation, such as using "the girls view you as their father", and obviously her tears when I told her when I wanted out. The truth is, I like her girls but don't have a fatherly love or bond with them.

@Supergolfer12 I hear you and I am not sure I have the ability to suggest ways to avoid maximum damage but here are options.

Get her into a residential treatment program. very difficult because in denial.

Find a friend of hers or relative that is willing to take her in.

Ask your therapist the how to do this. They know you and the situation best.

Get her into couple therapy to try to get to the problems she is masking with alcohol.

You could set boundaries and tell her those boundaries are conditions for her staying in the house. Work those out with your therapist if you think that is a tenable idea.

Sorry these are only options; only you can decide what will do the least damage and end your support of her.

All the best to you.
CANDC

Sounds like she is an alcoholic and expects you to be codependent. Have you talked about that with a therapist?

I hate to tell you.... If it was me....

I'd be pulling the pin and leaving with as little drama as possible.

I say that as someone who stayed in a marriage way, way too long. BUT, I was attracted to her, and we had a family, and I had been emotionally beaten down and abused and thought I couldn't make it on my own. I also was committed because of religious convictions.

That's not you.

You've been manipulated by tears. The next step is manipulated by drama or threats.

If you want to leave on good terms, pre-pay a couple of months of utilities and leave a gift card for some groceries. Tell her you'll wait for a period of time before pursuing a relationship in the event that she can make some progress in the next 3-6 months. She won't.

The longer you stay, the more "on the hook" you'll become. If she is damaging your finances that will continue. My wife blew about $100,000 in 6 years on practically nothing.

She will verbally slander you. Oh well.

Here's a video that might help.

Paul Simon - 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover (Official Audio) - YouTube

RDM

@RDMercer Thank you for the advice. She has already almost broke me financially. When she quit her full time job and was relying on child support, she jumped from part time job to part time job only to quit with in a matter of weeks. Always finding fault with some co-worker or supervisor. All during this time she was using my credit cards to pay for new work clothes, etc.

I do not care about slander and such and she can talk however she wants about me. Her home is located more than an hour away from my hometown in another state where I still own my home.

I am tired of being a cash cow and I am tired of her complaining everyday about how bad her life is. There isn't a day that goes by that she doesn't say "today is a bad day".

In regards to the leaving a few months worth of bills, I am less inclined. I currently pay for her teenage daughter's car, as well as their cell phone bill. I plan on paying the car off in the next year and will tell her that I will pay the cell phone bill until her youngest is out of high school in one and a half years. Neither are cheap and she needs to learn how to be independent and stand on her own two feet as that is how she always described herself. Independent and did not need a man to support her.

Wow.

Wow wow wow.

My wife has told our sons to respect powerful independent women.

She's told our daughter how important it is to be independent.

Her and her best friend both spouted this stuff in our house.

Her BFF is over 50 and has never had a job. She has been completely supported by her husband working two jobs. He also did most of the parenting.

My wife hasn't worked regularly in over 6 years, and hasn't completed any of the education she started since 2012.

She did work PT. I thought I'd notice the loss of income. I don't. We're better off financially than when she was here.

"Independent and powerful"

You're going to have to just rip that bandaid off - no more asking if she is unhappy. She will say no and will pull you back in. You've got to tell her you are done, you are leaving, and that the relationship is over. Unequivocally and without question or doubt. Don't make the mistake of asking her how she feels again. Just say it like it is, tell her, and tell her your plans for the logistical details. You do not owe this woman your life or your financial support. You owe it to yourself to get out and to be happy in your life again. Make a plan for the logistics, and then plan a time to tell her in person. She will be forced to stand on her own two feet and support herself. If she makes any threats to harm herself, call an ambulance. Her life is NOT your responsibility. That's my two cents.

@Have Hope, thank you for the advice. I agree it does need to be like ripping a band aid off. However, I wasn't the one that actually asked her if she was happy. We were at dinner one evening and I was less than talkative, as I have been slowing withdrawing from the relationship for several years. She looked over at me and asked me if I was happy. I replied that I was not. I didn't go into great depths as we were in public. I asked her if she was happy and she said no. That is when I told her that I believed it was best for me to leave. That is when the crying started and manipulation began. This is when she claimed that I held all the power and could leave whenever I wanted with no responsibility.

She is right. I would have no responsibility. They are not my children, it is not my home, so on and so forth.

For the last six years, her ex (who makes a very good living, well over $400k yr) she complains because he won't pay for this or that for her girls. I tell her that you have an divorce decree that states that he is suppose to (and his wage increased vastly) and I told her to take him to court. Her excuse is that she does not believe in the court system.

I told her than she should not complain if she is not going to legally do anything about it. Her child supports could have went up and she could force him for all the school supplies, school travel and various other bills that the decree stated he was to pay. You know who paid for these things?????...... That's right.... me.

I am currently setting a time frame to make this move as I can no longer hearing how miserable her life is, and how she gave up a career because she always knew she wanted to be a mother. My mother and many other mothers work very hard to support their children. My mother and father are still married and love each other but my mother was the bread winner in the family and she worked very hard over 42 years. She was at every important event. I just can't listen any longer to her complain if she is not willing to step up and do what I have seen many parents do.

@Open Eyes, I have spoken to my therapist about her use of alcohol. She told me what I already knew and that was about her dependency on alcohol as well as her codependency with me.

I have stopped buying her alcohol (2 years ago) and I told her that I don't want to tear her apart or bring her down, but I do not see a logical way to split amicably in person. There will be some sort of manipulation or possible altercation. The therapist actually said to pack up and leave when she is not around.

I am currently planning the date of my departure, but feel that leaving a letter is not much of an adult thing to do, but I fear it may be the only resolution to get me out of there.

BE CAREFUL!

If you document and set a precedent for supporting her or the kids, you can potentially be held to that in court!

If she sees you as an easier mark than her $400k/year ex, she can potentially come after you for support for her and the kids if it can be demonstrated that you accepted those responsibilities.

That's why I'm saying.... Pre-pay some utilities, and a handful of gift cards for groceries etc. It's no big deal to pre-pay utility bills and then have to walk away from that money. Gift cards aren't tracked.

Be careful of the noose you are putting your neck into!

RDMercer

The least harmful way to leave is to be upfront about it and tell her you are leaving. That is also the healthy, mature, way to leave.

There is not going to be a 'peaceful' or 'amicable' way to leave. It is going to be painful, either way. Running away behind her back is, frankly, the worst thing you could do to another human being.

Take your share of the responsibility in this relationship and give her a chance to hear a 'goodbye' and some sense of closure in knowing 'I am leaving'. Don't sneak out like a thief in the night, unless you want to create more damage than you could imagine.

@Rive.

While I agree with you, based on what we've heard so far, there isn't any requirement to worry about the wellbeing of someone who hasn't worried about your wellbeing.

There's not always a reason to "face the music" and "man up" to say goodbye to someone who is exploitative and manipulating.

Worrying about closure doesn't matter. A truly disordered person doesn't experience closure the way others do. ANY scenario can be twisted into one of self victimization by them.