So conflicted and don't know what to do and scared of regretting it

Hello everyone. I've been really, really struggling with a big inner conflict, that has been so troubling and negatively impacting me, on whether I should end my romantic relationship or not, and in other words whether I'd be better off, and happier ending it or staying in it... I'm pretty sure the vast majority of me feels like I should, but I'm just very scared I'm going to regret it if I do...

I know that I love my partner, I know that. I've truly never felt the things/way I do with her, romantically, and non-romantically, with anybody else, even my own family. But I also know that just because you love something, doesn't mean it's good for you and you should continue with it. People love drugs but drugs are bad obviously. People love fast food and sugar, but, they're bad for you of course. So even though I know I love her, I'm just not sure if it's a good thing for me to continue the relationship, and if I would be better off ending it and being on my own. Not only that, but sometimes I feel like there's, at least certain things about her, that I just really don't like. I love her and lots of things about her, but also things I really don't like, or love even. (I'm sure she has lots of things the same way with me too.)

So after a little self-reflecting here is a little more info/things to consider, marked with * for level of importance/severity:

*****-I've never really 'experienced life' on my own due to certain limiting and hindering personal mental health issues I had in the past, and I honestly probably kinda jumped into a relationship (honestly mainly for the physical aspect I'm pretty sure when I think about it) very soon after I conquered those mental health issues. So: 1.) Maybe I'm slightly afraid (even if just deep down) of not being able to handle and function in the world/life on my own if I did end the relationship, and 2.) I'm not sure and am unable to know whether or not I'd even enjoy life better on my own than in a relationship. I've been in a relationship at my best/highest, but I've never really 'experienced life' on my own, at my best/highest.

***-I'm not very good at expressing my inner thoughts and feelings, so communication isn't always the best. I mean, I can manage enough needed like maybe half the time, but the other half I feel like I'm not able to truly and accurately explain things in my head and gut how they truly and accurately are and need to be.

***-The physical aspect, as in like holding hands, snuggling cuddling, hugging, kissing etc. isn't the same and I honestly don't think I even really like it now, at least not as much/the same, because I feel like it's maybe just grown kinda old/worn out, and also kinda inconvenient/bothersome due to the frequency of how much we have to. I feel like/think maybe I just craved and longed for it before, because I was lonely and never experienced it to know what it was like, and now it's just kinda 'old' and not the same and 'fresh' as when it first started. But it also kinda goes up and down too. I'll not really like/priorotize it for a while, then after a while I'll really long for/like it when we do. Either that, or maybe just the deep down emotional/higher spiritual connection of it has just faded/changed due to all the various non-physical issues and concerns we've had.

***-I also am scared of and don't want to hurt her by ending it. She claims I'm the love of her life, soulmate, best friend, etc. etc., so if this is really true, then I just am afraid of hurting her. We've had close ends before and the way I feel when I see her cry is just so horrible and I hate it.

**-I can go from feeling 100% bad about the relationship and like I want to and am just going to end it tomorrow, to feeling 100% good about it the next day, and like I want to stay and it'll be alright and work out, and I'd be happier not ending it.

**-I'm not even 100% sure whether or not I want to/should have kids or not eventually anymore, and that is a big thing for her, because she wants to have kids - although she has tried to claim it's not a big deal anymore and she's just accepted that she's probably not going to, but I really don't believe it/think it won't be a problem in the future if we didn't.

***-We've had many good experiences and times together, have traveled thousands of miles together, and been to lots of places together and I guess what I'm trying to say basically is just have built up so many experiences/memories together.

****-There are also a lot of bad things and bad experiences and whatnot, that I feel don't really make us a good match together. But the main thing there is, these bad things are what make me want to end it, but I feel like if I do end it, then I'll of course only be able to think about and remember the good times/things, and I won't even be able to really think about/remember the bad things that were the cause of me ending it.

****-I'm like 90% pretty sure that, similar to the physical aspect points, I'd be happier free and on my own out in the world, but I fear it would just get old, and I'd eventually get tired of it and go back to the longing for and craving being with somebody, like a reversal.

So those I think are the main points of conflict/most important information. I'm just so conflicted internally and it's really wearing down on me... I've also struggled with this for a while now, probably roughly a good year or so... I just don't know what to do, and what would be the best thing to do, and am so scared I will regret it either way...

This reminds me of the saying; the grass is greener on the other side of the fence.

I can’t say one way or the other. Sometimes people just torture themselves with what they don’t have and need to experience it for themselves

Do you and your partner have the same goals and values? You mentioned that she wants kids and you don't--that is an example of not having the same goal. At the beginning of my marriage, my husband taught me about managing finances (something I still do not do well because I love to spend money). During our first 5 years of marriage (when we didn't have children), we lived on his salary and saved my entire salary. Because of this, when we were affected by a RIF (reduction in forces-active duty), we were able to buy a house even though we were unemployed. This decision has been a blessing to us for more than 30 years. There have also been situations where we did not work together and it made a real mess out of things. So are you, for the most part, able to work together on things that are important to both of you? Do you support each others goals?

I have also struggled with these same kind of conflicting feelings. Are you seeing a therapist?

Wow that’s really interesting. Could you tell me more about how your goals aligned? I’m happy for you and the house you both worked towards.

If you don’t mind me asking, what are those bad things that happened that are affecting your decision?

I am right there with @TunedOut as a voice from my experience & after finally leaving a bad marriage after 33 years. Same goals & values are important. I had never been on my own either but if things had been in balance with values & fighting against each others values hadn't become the norm, having never lived alone would have never entered my mind. In reality it didn't until after I left & alone felt so good after all those years of fighting.

Our biggest conflict was finances. We were both computer engineers but he liked to spend & live on credit paying interest on everything. I also had an Accounting degree & seriously he went against everything I believed financially.

Obviously over 33 years we did lots of things together but looking back, I enjoyed the things & experiences of traveling but I did NOT enjoy it because I was with him, I enjoyed it because the experiences were awesome & I learned alot but not because of him. Actually trips were get aways from tge fighting & that was why I enjoyed them so much.

Important to understand the foundational reason you want to end the relationship & it sounds like there may be something deeper than the surface level things you listed or if not, maybe that is why you fear regrets.

I had no fear of regrets when I left & living alone was probably why I cound out later he thought I would come back to him. I have my finances totally under control & I would never go back to that kind of life. Seriously I wanted out of the marriage even before the wedding but talked myself out of the red flags & gut feelings I was experiencing even at the age of 21.

I would say therapy might help but for me it didn't & just provided a final location where I ended up attacking his thinking & made up my own mind I could not live that way any more. In my case 16 years after leaving & living alone 2100 miles away, I have never been happier even though I am still legally fighting some financial things he did to me 5 years after the divorce.

Important to spend time truly understanding those conflicted feelings & seeing if there is a much deeper issue involved that you may not even be aware of at the momemt.

If I had not had very important issues that caused me anger I probably wouldn't have left & walked away from everything I had....but now I own my farm & he lost the house we had to foreclosure because of his financial irresponsibility & I am now legally divorced.

If she wants kids and you are not sure, you are stringing her along while you are vacillating and being busy exploring your internal conflict. It would be better from the standpoint of not wanting to hurt her to leave now, before time runs out for her to have children. She can then get with another man without wasting precious time.

What were your mental health challenges? Could it be that your mental health makeup contributes to your vacillating from being 100% in to 100% out?

Every rose has it's thorns but we still accept the rose. If the good is outweighing the bad then maybe it's about accepting, coping with, rationalising, the imperfections of life - until you can't bear it anymore. At that point it's time to move on. That's my whole approach to people in general.